CHAPTER 6

DRESS UP YOUR BIG DEAL DREAMS

It all started when I bought an overpriced little black dress for a party that I definitely wasn’t invited to. And my boyfriend almost dumped me for it. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me just drop you right into this scene, mid-shouting match:

“I didn’t lie!” I sweatily shouted at Hartman. “I dressed up my dreams!” He just looked at me incredulously with his mouth open, not even able to respond to what was, in his opinion, my rapidly elevating level of outright insanity. As I watched him seriously reevaluate his potential future wife, I scrambled to explain: “OK, I know I told you I landed this client before we actually, technically did, but I wasn’t lying to you! I was manifesting! It’s different!” My brutally honest, Excel-spreadsheet-loving, computer programming, engineer-minded future husband remained firmly unconvinced as he slowly explained, “Erin, there’s a hard line between truth and lies.”

Before you judge, let me explain . . .

After two “failed” ventures, I just knew that my third time at the entrepreneurial bat would be the charm. Why? Well, because I had no other choice. I literally could not afford for it not to be. One day, working from my kitchen table with my “team” (a fresh-out-of-college unpaid intern named Alexa whom I met in the bathroom line of a local dive bar), I realized with horror that I didn’t have enough money in my checking account to quickly pay a $100 cell phone bill. Let me just make sure we’re clear about this: I had raised seven figures of capital. PMS.com had been covered in Forbes. I had worked myself in and then back out of massive debt. And now I was broke.

The reality was that after listening to the gurus, taking coffee cup motivational quotes as actual business advice, and hustling my heart out, I was a penniless 31-year-old sitting in my pajamas with my teeth unbrushed at 1 p.m. on a Wednesday. Alexa-the-unpaid-intern absolutely had more money in her checking account than I did at that very moment.

Have you ever experienced a record-scratch life juncture like that? If you have, then you know it triggers a tsunami of desperation that feels like you are drowning on dry land. So you size up this stranger (formerly known as You) and decide she’s not who you thought she was. And she’s certainly not who you know she is capable of being. As the universe challenged me with a sliming of shame, the bitterness of that instant shocked my mind into seeing right through my carefully curated, fiercely guarded narratives around why, at that exact moment, I couldn’t pay the most basic of bills.

I was forced to face the chilling reality that maybe it wasn’t the idea that wasn’t good enough. Maybe it wasn’t that the timing had been wrong. Maybe I had to finally admit that the reason that not one but two ventures tanked, and the reason I was broke, the reason I was a failure, was for one reason and one reason only: I simply wasn’t enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strategic and visionary and efficient enough. There was no one and nothing else to point the failure finger at. Falling flat on my face twice was for no other reason than my lack of enoughness. And if you’ve ever been punched in the face by the invisible enemy of Not Enoughness, you can probably guess what happened next.

After excusing myself from Alexa, I went into my bathroom, locked the door, and bawled on the floor. Afterward, looking in the mirror at my swollen, puffy red face, I gave myself until next month’s cell phone bill. If I couldn’t pay it, I would quit. It was time to call a spade a spade. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag. It was just about time to give up on my dreams of being my own boss, and go back to reporting to one that would afford me a steady paycheck in exchange for the shackles of a cubicle. (No shame in a corporate gig by the way, but if that’s what I was going to do all along, I should have stayed in that world so I would have a decade of 401(k) investments, savings accounts, and a lot less gray hairs.)

The combination of urgency and desperation to avoid admitting defeat and settling for what I felt was a lose-lose option lit an urgency inside me that I had never experienced. This was like every sports movie of all time when you’re down in the fourth quarter and the only option at all is a full-on Hail Mary moment.* And this was the moment when Hartman started calling me a liar.

I knew I needed to do two things. First, I had to convince myself (and subsequently the universe) that I was already kind of a Big Deal. This, clearly, was a lie. But here’s the thing: I wasn’t going into battle with puffy-faced pathetic me. I was going in with Big Deal me, and only she would know exactly what type of strategy we needed.

But this attempt at bridging the gap between current Hot Mess me and future Big Deal me was going to require more than a few yoga classes. It was going to require a full system reboot. How? By serving up what can only be described as Big Deal delusion. I wrote the pump-up Post-it® notes (to myself, which I’ll tell you more about later) and sent myself motivational text messages. I pretended that I had a huge team and staff catering to my every personal and professional whim. I sent myself actual flowers from a fictional client as a thank you for all the spectacular work we had completed on the client’s account. (Oh you think things are getting weird now? Just wait.)

From there, I parlayed my Big Deal delusion into Big Deal action. Naturally, to turn around my small business I would need more than a few small local clients to make ends meet. Being that I was a Big Deal CEO, naturally I only worked with Big Deal clients. Making a list of said Big Deal clients, I wrote out a list of the most absurd, ridiculous clients I could ever fantasize about landing. Clients that were coveted by some of the biggest, fanciest agencies in the world, from LA to London. Clients that would change the trajectory of my business overnight. Clients that would take us (both Alexa and me) from broke to baller instantly. I couldn’t afford slow growth. I couldn’t afford to strategically test and learn. I was out of runway. It was now or, as was looking more likely to the point of inevitable, freaking never. Friends, this list was absurd. The Olympics. The Super Bowl. And at the very top of that list, the Academy Awards.

I couldn’t manifest the whole list, so I just started at the top. I lied to my journal about the productive meeting I’d just had with the Oscars. I lied to my computer and created (but didn’t send, obviously) the press release announcing how the Oscars had hired the Socialite Agency. The weirdest thing was I had this mantra the whole time: “The stars will align.” I have no idea why—it just came out onto paper one day—so I went with it.

And as the final freaky ultimatum, just to show the universe how serious (desperate) I was, I went to Bloomingdale’s and charged an overpriced little black dress to my almost maxed-out credit card. I lied to myself, telling myself this was the dress I was wearing on the red carpet in a few months.

When I told Hartman we had landed the Oscars and we most certainly did not, that’s when I crossed the line, and he was technically correct with his categorization. But I knew he was the only one who likely understood my temporary insanity and would forgive me. Or so I hoped. That day when he called me out, I saw the line between lies drawn right there in the sand. (Literally. We were fighting on the beach.) Lie to others never. “Lie” to yourself if you need to (until that lie becomes your new truth, that is).

So what happened next? After that one moment of morally wrong insanity, dressing up my Big Deal dreams (coupled with hard work, a creative idea, and a metric ton of faith) began to actually freaking work.

Using what years later became the basis for my “PUB” method (which is outlined in my sales book Digital Persuasion and explains that you should open a conversation with something Personal to your recipient, offer something that is truly Useful, and keep it brilliantly Brief), I researched decision makers and reached out to every single Big Deal prospect on my list. Dozens of PUB messages went out into the digital universe. And, of course, no one wrote back. Why would they? I was only a Big Deal in my own mind, and those people were actually the Biggest Deals of them all. Except that something peculiar happened. The week my next cell phone bill was due, one of these dozens of Big Deals did write back. An idea I sent to a producer for the Oscars miraculously spawned an email exchange that sparked a live meeting. And I’ll never forget sitting in my beat-up Prius (that I had been coasting on the downhills all the way to LA because I was afraid of running out of gas) and crying into a contract. We were hired. By the freaking Oscars.

On the momentous red-carpet day that eventually followed, I remember being backstage with my headset and clipboard managing my newly-hired team of social media journalists when I turned around and found myself face-to-face with Elle freaking Woods. I just stared with my mouth agape, starstruck, as she bounced away with her bubbly laugh. And in that moment, I realized that the stars had literally aligned.

After the event, when I actually sent out my formerly imaginary press release (which you can still find online today), not just my agency but my life was never the same. The Oscars led to Fashion Week and Nelson Mandela’s family fund-raiser, which led to working with the US Navy in the Pentagon. This one manifestation shot Socialite into the stratosphere, where we had the opportunity to work with some of the world’s biggest brands, and I could finally pay for a lot more than just a cell phone bill. I eventually moved into writing books about digital communication (and now audacity!), and now my full-time job is pinch-me incredible. I have the great honor of speaking at conferences around the world helping women and a few good men. I’m living a life that when I think about how far I’ve come from that horrible phone-bill day, I can cry on demand, I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude.

That’s how powerfully you have to believe and desire and work for your vision in order for it to come true. You possess Big Deal Energy that once unlocked, empowers you to behave and operate like the thing you want most in this world has already happened. You audaciously know that you are, already, a Big Deal and that you deserve this dream. You know in your heart and soul that you radiate that Big Deal Energy, not someday in the foggy future, but right here, right now, exactly where you are. You have to ask yourself: Am I audacious enough to double down on my “delusionially” Big Deal dreams? Am I audacious enough to ignore everyone who calls me crazy? Obviously, your definition of big is only for you to define. For me? If at least one person in my inner circle doesn’t think I’ve lost my mind, that’s a great indicator that what I’m doing isn’t as big as it could be.

Should you decide those answers are yes, can you prepare yourself for the nonsexy fine print that it is always darkest before the dawn? Because pushing through with that one last effort, that one last reinvention, that one last message, that one last time—that one lastness is where the magic almost always happens. “Lying” to yourself (but not others!) about your positive goals, dreams, and desires—even if it’s shocking and/or offensive to others or yourself when you admit it—is 100 percent how you can create your own Oscars magic. It’s how you can catch your big break to open those big, juicy, legendary opportunities in the movie of your own life. Because it only takes manifesting one dream to trigger the rest into your new reality. It only takes that tipping-point plot twist for your stars to align, just in time.

So let’s dive into the details of how you can take clear steps toward unlocking your Big Deal Energy and start dressing up your Big Deal dreams, because we all know that attracting begins with action.

POWER UP WITH POST-ITS

Earlier I alluded to my deep love affair with Post-it notes. The variety of colors, the ease with which you can just crumple them and begin again, their ability to live anywhere and stay stuck to anything—I just love them. Virtual presentation? Post-its. Packing list? Post-its.

While I’d always used Post-its for the “to-do”–type items, it wasn’t until my friend Judi (yes, the same Judi who called me out on my procrastination back in Chapter 2) shared with me how she would plaster her hotel room with pump-up notes to get psyched before her keynote speeches that I evolved my Post-it usages from the mundane “what to do” into the magical “how to feel.” If you’re looking for a way to upgrade the efficacy of your positive self-talk, don’t underestimate the wizardry of daily self-love notes—especially if you are prepping for a Big Deal high-stakes scenario. It sounds a little looney, but I’m obsessed with assembling an army of colorful cheerleaders that can be rooting you on from any room in your home, office, or hotel room! You can be surrounded by good vibes in your bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, or, my personal favorite, when you go to open the fridge. (#SummerIsComing)

But what if you are someone who struggles to actually believe your self-sourced endorsements? I see you because I also struggled with those feelings until I read a study that completely reframed how I leveraged positive self-speak. According to a 2020 edition of Clinical Psychological Science, we can optimize the likelihood of our self-talk being more effective if we employ what’s been termed “distanced self-talk.” Because we tend to believe what others say about us more than what we simply think about ourselves, using our name and speaking in the third person proved to be more powerful in regulating negative emotions. So circling back to promoting yourself to Big Deal status via pink Post-it notes, instead of writing “I am going to rock this meeting!,” you would write, “[insert your name] is going to rock this meeting!”

Obviously, this can be a slippery slope, as you don’t want to descend into scary narcissistic levels of third-person praising in front of others because that would be crossing over from audacious to a-hole. But when it comes to convincing yourself that your BDE is firing and ready for the task at hand, the power of third-person Post-its cannot be underestimated.

BUY YOUR DREAM DRESS

You’ve heard the old adage that you should dress for the job that you want? Well, the same rule applies when it comes to dressing for the life that you want. I believe wholeheartedly that buying my Oscars dress when I had zero money to do so was the smoke signal the universe needed to believe just how serious I was about putting an end to my downward spiral and stepping into the success dimension I had been dreaming of. In that delusional power move in the formal dress section of Bloomingdale’s, I imagine that swipe of the credit card was the last straw, putting the universe over the edge like Ugh! Fine! Let’s just give it to her already!

Think of your attire like a military or a sports uniform you want to don before battle. Or the wetsuit you need to go diving. Or the helmet you need to go riding. You simply suit up for the success coming your way. And that suit is so much more than physical—it’s tricking our minds into believing that we are already living our Big Deal lives for a more frictionless alignment of the natural corresponding Big Deal behaviors, choices, and reactions.

Maybe it’s the suit you’re rocking for that winning client presentation. Maybe it’s the sneakers you’re wearing when you accomplish that fitness goal. Maybe it’s the bag or wallet you’re carrying that the decision maker’s business card goes into.

One of the most tangible ways to alert the cosmos/God/angels/the world that you are not here to mess around is to put your money where your mouth is. Or in my case, putting my lack of money where my dreams were.

If you aren’t in a position where you can physically purchase something, can you rent or borrow it? Is there a way to equip yourself with a physical representation of the path you are carving, the life you are building, or the outcome you are manifesting? Are you as prepared as possible, with your best foot forward, so that when the universe delivers, you at least look like you were born ready?

I should issue a spoiler alert though: even those that love you the most will likely respond negatively to you in this step of the actualization game. And when (not if) they do, you have two choices. Listen to them, lose momentum, and go back to Stuck City. Or listen to you, refuse to drink the Haterade, and audaciously stay your course.

Remember: big changes ignite big reactions. Other people’s reactions toward you of shock, refusal, or rejection aren’t stoplights for you; they’re warning lights for them. Warning lights that they should use caution because you’re about to make. shit. happen.

WAITING ON WISHES

So let’s say you’ve identified the goals, made the lists, taken the big actions, written the pump up Post-its, visualized the success, ignored the haters, elevated the self-talk, and bought the dress. What’s next? You surrender. And you trust. And you wait. But you can be honest with me; maybe you’re losing the faith a bit. Where is he/she/it? When you find yourself just palms up, waiting for whoever or whatever you believe in to deliver the goods, you might be wondering, “How much longer until this works”?

While none of us has a crystal ball, one phenomenon you will notice when you’re almost “there” is you’ll begin to be generally more passionate or enthusiastic about whatever it is you’re chasing down. You might find that you have that “little kid at Christmas” flutter in your heart for no specific reason.

Another element you might note is that suddenly people will mention that “you should” try something or do something, or ask if you have you heard of “xyz”—and it’s scary close to the exact thing you’ve been working toward. Other times, you’ll hear people talking about what they are working toward, and it’s eerily identical to your exact desire.

Maybe you’re not experiencing any of this and you’re worrying it all will go wrong. Maybe you’re feeling anxious about the timing lining up correctly. Maybe you’re angry that it hasn’t happened sooner because you are “due for it already.” Maybe you’re a highly practical person like my husband who just doubts that all this “woo-woo hippie stuff” is even real. Maybe you’re more of a “prepare for the worst just to be safe” kind of person. Maybe you’re getting bogged down by logistics and timelines and details, which I hate to tell ya, are clouding your ability to stay laser-focused on the high-level outcome!

If you’ve ever experienced a bout of bad luck and said to yourself, Ugh, I just knew this was going to happen, that is a big indicator that your emotions are crowding the sacred space needed for your new reality to exist within. Especially if you start to experience fear, worry, anxiety, or doubt after someone else took the winds out of your sails, questioned your sanity, or mocked your dream as being “unrealistic” or “not for you.”

So, friend, if you just felt a little too seen in these last few paragraphs, all I can say is watch your words! Be extra intentional and strategic about uttering the most dangerous words out loud like never, hate, and can’t! This isn’t toxic positivity; these are the laws of the universe. And like the last Indiana Jones movie where it’s only until he has the faith to step in the abyss that the bridge beneath his feet is made visible, the same principle applies to you on your quest.

SPREAD THE WORD

This is the most important step of dressing up your dreams, and the one that so many of us (hand raises) tend to forget! After you have experienced your “Oscars moment,” remember to stop and honor that accomplishment with complete and total gratitude. And I don’t mean, “Oh, what a lovely day!” thankfulness. We’re talking radical gratitude of the highest order. We’re talking chills and getting choked up and pinching yourself. Tell all your friends and anyone else who will listen about the unbelievable opportunity that has presented itself to you. Tell strangers in a coffee shop, your neighbors, and, most of all, tell the person in your family or friend group who is least likely to get excited for you. Tell them all.

Like summitting a beautiful hike, sit with your success a minute. Drink in the views and feel the breeze and smell the air. Enjoy that PB&J and watch the birds go by. Marinate in your success for a respectable amount of time to honor what you’ve just been fortunate enough to witness before you hop on to the next shiny mission. Especially if you are one of those people who just can’t help but want to say yay! and then quickly move onto the next thing (#guilty). The fastest way I’ve found to force my soul to savor the moment is to recall in vivid detail a time in my life when not only didn’t I have this thing, but when I would have given anything to get it. Remember when the you from a few weeks or months or years ago would give anything to trade places with the you of today?

So many times, we forget that the situation we find ourselves in right now is one that we would have killed for back in the day. Also keep in mind that to create the thing/project/place/person you’re now enjoying, there are others behind or below or beside you striving with all their might to make it happen. Your hard-won win, for them, is straight up #goals—you are. It’s time for a post-accomplishment pat on the back to pay tribute to just how far you’ve come. Good job you!

Acknowledge that, yes, the universe delivered, and, yes, you are so thankful, and . . . this did not happen by accident. It happened because you made an intentional choice. You wrested back control of your mindset, which is no easy task. You took the terrifying first steps off the ledge and into the darkness without knowing whether or not there would be a bridge, or even a net. You ignored your haters and naysayers. You paid precious attention to your inner GPS lady, and unlike a bad Lyft experience, she did not steer you wrong. You have earned this, you have toiled for this, and you were destined to live this dream. Thank yourself, thank everyone who helped get you here, and really savor in the success of this moment for as long as you possibly can. These are the moments that matter. These are the flashes of euphoric joy that will visit you in your last hours. This is living a life you love.

When you start to itch to move onto the next thing right away, challenge yourself to stay here now, for a moment longer. Sear the success into your soul. Feel the joy in your heart. Smile, knowing that whoever or whatever you believe in is always on your side.

BIG DEAL DIARY

* If you’re not a big sports person, a “Hail Mary” is a long football pass with little chance of completion, typically used when time is running out and no other play is practical. It’s an act done in desperation, again with only a very small chance of success.