INTRODUCTION
HOW DARE YOU?
The tampons were piled up in the middle of the long conference table. Outside, the deep-blue Pacific Ocean sparkled in the distance beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows. Sitting around the table were not Girl Scouts in a middle school health class, but a dozen tan, buff alpha males. Shifting in their chairs like they had ants in their designer jeans, they looked up; they looked out; they looked down; they looked anywhere except directly at the scary sticks of feminine dynamite directly in front of them.
It was 2013 in Newport Beach, California, and I found myself smack-dab in the middle of my very own real-life Shark Tank moment. Except there was no Lori. Or Sara. Or even Barbara. Instead, the room was full of dudes who looked like they were straight off their own reality show, one where the opening credits began with a Ferrari screaming into the parking lot of a CrossFit gym, blaring Kanye.
I was looking for this boardroom of fratastic finance bros to back my hot new startup idea. And this idea was hotter than the latest fintech app. Sexier than cryptocurrency. More futuristic than artificial intelligence. What did the world need more than anything? (Dramatic pause.) A tampon delivery service.
As I rattled off my carefully practiced stories (packed full of erotic, enticing nouns like blood and cramps), I suddenly locked eyes with one particularly tan broski who looked as though he was going to vomit his hundred-dollar sushi lunch all over the beautiful, shiny table.
Instantaneously, I lost all focus and began profusely sweating through my Spanx. My heart began to race, my hands started to shake, and I had to remind myself that this was not one of those dreams where you go to school naked but then wake up. Nope. This was actually happening (not the nudity—although I imagine that at least one of those men wanted to faint assuming I was about to do a product demonstration). Scanning the disgusted, shocked faces of essentially every extra from The Wolf of Wall Street, I suddenly found myself sharing in the queasiness of Tan Broski Investor Number Three. My confidence crumbled like the feta on my lunchtime Greek salad (at least I wouldn’t be throwing up overpriced sashimi).
I contemplated sprinting straight out of the room. This moment that I had worked so hard to make happen now seemed like an absurd, ridiculous, and just plain stupid mistake. Not only did none of the potential investors look interested in my blood-sweat-and-tears venture; they looked like they would rather get a root canal than listen to one more word from Madame Tampon Fairy.
Suddenly, one of the investors, a guy named Todd (there’s always a Todd), broke the awkward vibe by grabbing one of my sample tampons and tossing it across the table at another guy. “Dare ya to open one!” he challenged.
“Ewww, no way, dude. Dare you to!” Todd was pelted in return. Suddenly, to my horror, almost in slow motion, like one of those car accidents that you want to look away from but can’t, the world’s very first game of tampon-hot-potato broke out. In the middle of an actual boardroom. Right as I made my way through my carefully cultivated pitch deck where I was asking for seven figures of capital. This never happens on Shark Tank.
Then I noticed something. Todd’s audacious (albeit immature) move had lightened the mood and made the other guys smile and relax for the first time since my train wreck of a pitch. And in that moment of desperation, of nothing-to-lose-ness, I realized something. Todd didn’t care if it was unprofessional to throw tampons around a boardroom. Todd wasn’t worried the other investors would think he was an idiot. In the absolute best possible way, he straight up did not care if it was shocking or offensive to everyone else in the room. So in that moment, I decided to channel my inner Too Tan Todd. I made a split-second decision to say “Screw it” and release my fears of what these guys thought about me and my idea. And in that fleeting moment, just embracing that thought let me lighten up, stop overthinking, and let go of the anxiety. I threw out the perfectly rehearsed pitch and the self-judging trash, and I went for it. Like a delusionally confident Newport Beach guy hitting on someone way out of his league, I told myself that it was likely they loved it. That it was highly probable I was crushing it. I convinced myself—my sweaty, stammering self—that I had every right to be there, because although they (and the rest of the world) didn’t know it yet—I’m kind of a Big Deal. Just like Todd.
Yeah, I know. Thinking like that is insane. Delusional. Cray cray to the max. But you know what else it was? It was audacious.
If you’ve ever wanted to learn what to do even when the world says no, even when you’re going down in flames, even when you want to die from embarrassment or cry from frustration or just throw in the dang towel, please, please don’t. You are reading this book for a reason. And that reason is so you can walk away with a few supercharged strategies to help you overcome even the toughest of moments and surprise yourself with what you’re truly capable of making happen. Yes, even in the face of the most absurdly massive of barriers. How? By unlocking the inner audacity that is lying dormant inside you at this very moment. And this book is your how-to, go-to guide so you’ll know exactly how to channel that audacity into real-life, real-world, real-results action—just like what happened with the Todd Squad in that boardroom turned playground.
Let’s flashback to some seriously sweaty Spanx, shall we? Bursting with my newfound BDE (Big Deal Energy—why, what did you think it stood for?), I grabbed the tampon out of Todd’s hand and started to use it as my new microphone and my new pointer—and shockingly, the guys started to laugh, lean forward, and pay attention. Miraculously, that tampon transformed into my magic wand as I Harry-Pottered my way through with wizard skills I never knew I possessed. At the end, as if I were floating outside of myself like one of those ghosts at Hogwarts, I watched incredulously as I point-blank asked for the money to launch PMS.com.
The lead investor looked me in the eye and said:
Erin, we obviously don’t know much about any of this girl stuff. But what we do know is that good investments come from betting on the jockey, not the horse. You seem like you might make an all-right jockey, so what the heck . . . Did you bring a term sheet?
What I learned from that lucky tampon is that sometimes it takes more than just confidence, preparation, and hard work to win. Sometimes it takes not just daring boldly, but daring boldly even if it might shock or offend—like a presentation with a tampon microphone. Sometimes going way beyond confident to borderline crazy is the only way to flip the win switch in the highest-stakes scenarios. Sometimes it’s something as silly as rerouting a grown-man game of tampon-hot-potato that opens life-changing opportunities. Sometimes it takes knowing that you are kind of a Big Deal, even if an entire room of very intimidating individuals might disagree. Sometimes triumphing over adversity and busting through barriers are not outcomes that come in perfectly confident, prepared, and polished packages delivered right to our door. Instead, they come in slightly more audacious ones.
Whatever you’re up against in your life that feels too big, too scary, too intimidating, too “Hell no, that’s not possible!,” please hear me on this: if I can raise seven figures from the totally grossed-out Real Bachelors of Orange County using a tampon microphone, you can too. You can do the thing. You can ask for the thing. You can quit the thing. You can start the thing. You can be the thing. You can make even your most secret, massive, moonshot dreams come true. You can demand that your deepest desires become your most rad of realities.
So let’s just say what you’re facing down in this season isn’t a Shark Tank nightmare—fair enough and good call. But I know that you know you’ve had at least (at least!) one time where you were starting something so awesome, so fantastic, and you were so pumped, so excited, so ready to rock—until someone else’s judgment or disapproval, shock, negativity, confusion, dislike, or straight-up revulsion made you trip, crash, and burn. Where someone’s “No, girl” instead of “Go, girl!” evaporated every ounce of excitement and made you question not just your plan but yourself.
Maybe it wasn’t a team of investors, but maybe it was your friend, your boss, your client, your colleague—even a family member—who responded in a way you weren’t expecting. And because you weren’t prepared for how to handle a big, messy, unfavorable reaction, the pail of cold water quickly extinguished your feisty flames. And maybe that was what nudged you back into your cozy comfort zone, where you’re sitting now, reading this book.
And so maybe instead of doing that thing, you put it off for another day. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. Next time. Maybe you put off becoming a mom. Or a dog mom. Or a speaker. Or an author. Or an artist, photographer, or yoga instructor. Maybe you put off starting your own business or launching that new venture. Or asking for that raise, promotion, or new job. Or becoming a sales leader. Maybe you put off finally facing your debt problem or your addiction. Maybe you put off that new healthier lifestyle program. Maybe you put off buying a house or starting that home project. Or going to college. Or going back to college. Or getting the certification. Or running the marathon. Or learning the language. Or paying off the loan. Or moving. Or traveling. Or getting your head, your heart, your soul, or all three back on track after heartbreak. Or all these things!
How insane is it that it takes only one scary situation, one snarky comment, one silent disapproval, one over-the-top
reaction, and boom!—you’re no longer in the game.
Despite your emotions, despite any barriers, and no matter
what everyday crap or life-altering challenges you are dealing
with in this moment, let me say that you, my friend, are kind of a Big Deal. Yes, you. Yes, right now. A Big [insert your
preferred profanity here] Deal. And knowing, believing, and loving your Big Deal self with upper-level audacity is the only true obstacle between your current situation and the elevated, extraordinary one you’re made for.
See, what’s probably actually holding you back—from what you secretly wish you could do, from making that progress, from sustaining your momentum, or maybe even from just getting started in the first place—is simple. And it can be overcome. Reversed. Conquered. Rearview-mirrored. And you and I are going to do it together. One audacious action at a time.
OK, let’s take a quick timeout before we dive in: you might be thinking, Whoa, wait a second. Isn’t being audacious a bad thing? Touché, fair question, and it depends on whom you’re asking. Brace yourself for this one: A 2018 study conducted by Pew Research asked 4,573 Americans to share words that they thought best described traits that society does and doesn’t value for each gender. Wait for it . . . the top three positive traits for women were beautiful, kind, and compassionate. And the top three for men were leader, ambitious, and strong. Wait, there’s more: on top of this most devastating data, those exact same “male” adjectives, when used to describe women, instead of being similarly positive, were ranked as “negative” or “neutral.” Yes, even in today’s #TimesUp and #GoGirl world. You probably wish you could unread that.
Have you ever heard of even one negotiation, one business deal, or one war that was successful using solely beauty, kindness, or compassion? Even Cleopatra’s legendary beauty didn’t drive her success in ancient Egypt. A few years ago, coins with Cleopatra’s “average-looking” (guess the gender of the reporter who wrote that) face on them were discovered, and the world had a meltdown. Wait, what? Cleopatra was powerful because she was smart, strategic, and cunning, not because she was a smoky-eyeliner hottie who slept her way to victory. The head of the Sphinx might as well have been replaced with the mind-blown emoji.
Even Mr. Dictionary himself, Noah Webster, seems a little foggy on exactly what it means to be audacious. In his semi-two-faced definition, he says that audacity is both “a willingness to take risks” and “rude or disrespectful behavior.” Webster, what? So does being audacious make you a total legend or a total jerk? Well, it’s really in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?
Was Rosa Parks a disrespectful seamstress or a brave hero? Was Marie Curie an absentee mother or a bold scientist? Was Florence Nightingale a disobedient daughter or a pioneering nurse? Was Amelia Earhart a reckless woman or a daring pilot? Is Malala Yousafzai an impertinent young woman or a fearless warrior?
What is the common denominator you see in each of these dynamos? They absorbed the refusal, threats, disapproval, and mockery of their respective worlds and used that negative feedback as courageous caffeine to energize their respective missions. And how you migrate your dreams from private thoughts to public realities is no different. Sure, maybe your enemy is the rank-and-file leadership team at your company, or an important relationship in your life you’re afraid to jeopardize, or the homogenous familial, societal, religious, or academic culture in which you’ve been pleasantly partaking for most of your life. But when it comes to reinventing, reprogramming, or restarting, you must answer one question for yourself: Are you willing to live boldly even if it might shock (or offend) others? Living boldly sounds great, but shocking and offending others? The reason most people still are stuck, mediocre, whiny, unfulfilled, and hopeless is because their answer to that question is a safe, cozy, resounding Ummm, “Thanks but no thanks.”
See, you may think the reason you aren’t more audacious already or haven’t done the thing already is because you fear a specific someone’s judgment or rejection of your choices, your actions, or your initiatives, but that’s not actually what’s going on. Too often, what you really fear, what we all really fear, is that people aren’t rejecting our thing or idea or ask, but instead they’re rejecting us. We’re terrified of their rejection of us as a human being. So when you think about your deepest, darkest journaled secrets, when you think about what comes to mind when you gaze out over a cityscape or an ocean, when you watch a movie or hear a song that leaves you with the most unruly and untamed of desires, whose reaction is holding you back from transforming those thoughts into things? Do you truly desire your future reality more than you fear your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or maybe even your own reactions in the present moment? If you are nodding your head yes, audacity is your answer.
After all, people can still love you without loving your thing. And if they don’t, well, are you sure they’re really your people?
When you think of people you truly admire, living or dead, know personally or not, how would you articulate what it is you applaud them for? It’s likely that on levels obvious or not so obvious, they’re better at “politely” ignoring anyone who is offended by their refusal to play smaller. It’s likely that they’re better at not internalizing someone else’s shock or disapproval at their personal or professional life choices. It’s likely that they know, without a shadow of doubt, that they are kind of a Big Deal, and they don’t let anyone tell them otherwise. They make their stance clear, not in a braggy, narcissistic, or annoying way, but in a BDE kind of way.
What’s a BDE kind of way? Well, first, let’s start with what it’s not. BDE is not about listening to one of the most ridiculous pieces of advice people love to give: “You shouldn’t care what anyone thinks about you!” Yeah. Right. People who say they “don’t care what anyone thinks about them” are full of a certain stinky emoji. Because people who actually don’t care what anyone thinks about them are usually a-holes or psychopaths. It’s only natural to want the people we love to also love our choices. Approval, whether in the form of a verbal atta girl or a digital Instagram like, floods our brains with dopamine and makes us feel good. But the truth is, and we all know this to be true, intuition is individual. Only you can know what’s right for you. Your strongest internal guide does not exist within others for a reason. So when you’re at a crossroads and the stakes are at their highest, it’s not that you don’t care what anyone thinks, but instead you care more what you think about your choices. Tuning into that decision, trusting your instinct, and operating audaciously is exactly how you unlock your BDE.
For example, let’s hop back to those people who came to mind for you a few moments ago. It’s highly likely their BDE was their “secret superpower” they used to actually accomplish the lofty goals they set for themselves. Their BDE is the understated self-swagger they’ve relied on to design a life they love, despite the protests, judgments, and confusion of even their most favorite people. And here’s the best news: you, right now, have identical potential. You already possess the exact same BDE. It’s just waiting for activation like a daring, intuitive debit card. And over the next nine chapters, you’ll internalize how a few of the most audacious women I know leverage their BDE. You’ll understand how you can trigger micro-moment magic so you can level up how you approach your everyday with totally transformative results. And you’ll turn on the triumphs you know are 1,000 percent possible for you personally and professionally like never before.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, using BDE to activate your audacity is not even remotely close to an excuse to run through life like a self-centered jerk doing whatever you want all the time with no regard for anyone’s feelings. Nooooo! No, no, nope. Those folks are the kind of humans you likely found very easy to socially distance yourself from during the pandemic, and for good reason. It’s likely that you share my belief that the only secret to a life well lived is one that is deeply rooted in love, kindness, and serving our fellow humans with empathy and compassion. My recommendation is not to embrace your audacity as some binary, constant, all-or-nothing concept. I think about it more like a volume knob that you can dial up or dial down as you see fit—not as the world, your family, your partner, your boss, your kids, or your neighbors see fit—but as you see fit. And each situation calls for a different decibel.
Like a cocktail party where the music starts out low and sophisticated, but then by the end of the night has become, let’s say, a bit louder and less sophisticated, activating your audacity is about, one, recognizing those high-stakes, critical situations where your volume is too low and, two, doing something about it. Maybe it started off too low; maybe you turned it down; or maybe someone else turned it down for you. However it got there, this book is about preparing, evaluating, and daring to make the decision to turn up your volume, your truth, your bravery, your conviction, your drive, or whatever it is you need in that moment. Yes, even if it’s scary. Yes, even if (when) people don’t like it. But this is your life. This is your party. And when it’s your party, it’s your playlist.
Why am I so passionate about helping you crank up the volume of your level of gutsy? Because after starting three companies and speaking with thousands of women at conferences around the world, both in person and online, I’ve heard the same heart-wrenching stories over and over about what gets us stuck. What makes us sigh. What deflates our brilliance balloons. What makes us play small. What makes us shelf our success. What makes us quit. What bums us the heck out. What shuts us up. What holds us back. What stops us from asking for it. What stops us from taking it, doing it, being it, and breathing it. And through my personal and professional experiences experimenting with all the volume levels, all the playlists, and all the pushback, I’ve learned a lot about what definitely does not help a gal level up in this wild world. I’ve also, thankfully, learned a little bit about what does. And those little bits of “Well, that worked!” are what I offer for your consideration. If you’re interested in how you can finally step (and maybe even stomp) into your most audacious Big Deal self, you’re going to absolutely rip through the next nine chapters. Together, we’ll travel through stories, strategies, and tactics from my experiences and those of my friends, clients, and mentors. I’ve curated the best bits that radically transformed both my and their lives for the most beautiful better, with the highest of hopes that you’ll be audacious enough to do the same.
So let’s break down our game plan with some details. We’ll begin by exploring some deeply entrenched behaviors that you might not even know are some of the real reasons you can’t get “there.” By the end of this book, you’ll be equipped with strategies and tactics to unlearn:
• Worrying about what others think about you and your choices
• Feeling guilty about not being what people need you to be for them
• Comparing yourself to everyone else online (and in real life)
• Feeling “behind” where you think you should be at this point
• Stressing about being underprepared or underqualified
• Fearing mediocrity and/or failure
• Sabotaging your own efforts
• Seeking unhealthy approval from friends and family, coworkers and bosses, or even perfect strangers on the internet
• Devaluing yourself—your time, your heart, your mind, your soul
Once we’ve unpacked all of those (don’t you feel more audacious already just reading that list?), we’ll migrate into exactly how you can start (or restart or sustain):
• Overcoming the obstacles standing between you and your biggest goals
• Performing at your best level professionally and personally
• Loving your current life while moving with intention toward your future
• Experiencing more happiness and delight in your relationships
• Taking on the world with more energy and determination.
• Knowing that your place in life has a clear purpose
• Navigating challenging situations at work more effectively
• Feeling more relaxed in social settings with new people
• Thinking healthier and more positive thoughts on a daily basis
At the end of each chapter, we’re not just going to nod our heads passively. No, no, friend. We’re going to “seal in” our mental practice by rolling up our sleeves and doing the work. We’re not here to just read about it; we’re here to take action so we can be about it, which is why there’s a Big Deal Diary section at the end of each chapter to help you chart your most audacious actions. Even if it might be tempting to skip those sections (kind of like when you drop your knees for a second during plank in an exercise class), please don’t. The only person you are cheating there is yourself, so try and commit to being brave enough to seek those tough answers. Translating words off the pages into actual wins in your life doesn’t happen by skipping reps.
Whether you decide to use a Big Deal Diary to write down your answers (which you can find at bigdeal.erinking.com) or your own notebook, planner, or even Post-it® notes, is totally up to you. Writing down your thoughts and feelings after each chapter will cover the emotional and psychological gamut. It’s also the most direct route to help you tackle, unpack, and review or restart whatever season you find yourself in at this moment.
Sometimes you’ll walk away from a Big Deal Diary session finding that you’ve ignited unstoppable momentum toward a new, bolder mindset with clear action steps for an audacious decision. Other times you’ll discover new revelations you perhaps didn’t truly know about yourself. Occasionally you might laugh. Frequently you’ll likely cry as you shed those layers with the catharsis of a good chemical peel for the soul. You’ll likely feel mortified and empowered and everything in between. It’s extreme journaling. And it’s not for the faint of heart, but it is for the audacious of spirit. And don’t worry. None of our exercises will involve explaining tampon absorbencies to a group of Brody Jenners who’d rather be playing Golden Tee and drinking craft beer.
So, you Big Deal brilliant babe, are you ready to do this with me?
If so, get ready for our first soul skinny dip in Audacity Lake. Even though it sounds nuts, please humor me for a second and say out loud, “I’m kind of a Big Deal.” I encourage you to say it loudly, even shout it, but if you’re not there yet, I’ll let it slide if you can only whisper it quietly. (We’ll get there.) I’ll wait. Oh, you’re smiling? Rolling your eyes? Changing your mind? You think this woo-woo hippie-dippie crap doesn’t work? Listen to me. (Is this thing on? *Taps tampon.*) I know we’ve only just met, but if you can trust me, I can assure you, you will not regret this ride.
OK now, like you really mean it: I’m kind of a Big Deal.
Sorry, you’re what? (One last time but with passion!)
I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL!
Yes, you are. How are you feeling right now? Like a weirdo but an empowered, excited one? Perfect.
Now, turn the page, friend, and let’s begin our audacious adventure.