Introduction

Two million views. I stared at my smartphone in shock. My article “Marriage Isn’t for You” was going viral.

It was November 3, 2013. I had been visiting my family in Utah for Halloween and was on a flight back to my home in Florida. My transfer flight had just landed in Baltimore. As soon as the flight attendant gave the OK, I turned on my phone and immediately saw that my blog had received nearly 2.2 million views in thirty-six hours. Every time I refreshed the screen, the stats had gone up not by hundreds but by thousands—tens of thousands.

In three days, the article received a staggering twenty-four million views. It was reprinted in the Huffington Post and was prominently featured and discussed on the Today show, BuzzFeed.com, Daily Mail, Cosmopolitan, MSN Living, Yahoo, Deseret News, Today.com, KSL News, TheBlaze.com, HuffPost Live, HLN, and numerous radio programs.

On top of all that, Kim, my wife, joined me for national television interviews with Fox & Friends and Good Morning America.

The article has been translated—by volunteers—into more than twenty languages and has gone viral (one hundred thousand views) in the German, Slovak, Czech, Portuguese, and Spanish languages. As of the spring of 2014, with all the reprints and translations, “Marriage Isn’t for You” had well over thirty million hits.

But why? What was it about the message that transcended cultural differences and resonated with millions of people around the world? Why did my article go viral?

Well, first of all, it wasn’t really my article that went viral because it wasn’t really my message. It was my dad’s.

It was counsel given to me in a moment of indecision—at a time when I was debating whether or not I should marry Kim. Was she the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

My father answered these questions with the advice that has gone viral: “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy…. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

His counsel was life changing. It went completely against the grain of my selfish fears. Perhaps that’s why his advice resonated with so many people. Because I think we all recognize—on some level—that selflessly loving others is the right thing to do.

Yes, my dad’s advice saved me from selfishness, but it wasn’t the first time that he had done so. Five years earlier, my dad had pulled me from a car and dialed 911. When the ambulance arrived at my house, the EMTs immediately began the process of emptying my stomach. I had swallowed a full bottle of sleeping pills and half a bottle of painkillers. I had just tried to take my life.

Before that day, I had been living a life of abject selfishness. I thought only about myself, my wants, my feelings, and my problems. My selfishness was a downward spiral that led to a veritable prison of isolation and despair. Unable to find my way out of the darkness and depression, I decided to end the pain and kill myself.

When I woke up in the hospital the next morning, I was surrounded by my family members. Brokenhearted as they were, and unsure and untrained in how to respond, they nevertheless rallied to support me as best they could.

I had become so self-absorbed that I had walled myself off to everyone and eventually tried to take my life. But standing outside those walls of my selfishness were people willing to give their time, energy, and lives to preserve mine. Although it was incomprehensible to me at the time, my life somehow meant something to other people. My life wasn’t for me—it belonged to other people as well. If I was to truly recover from trying to take my life, I needed to learn how to give my life away.

But how? How do selfish people (like me) move from selfishness to selflessness? For one thing, it’s not an event—it’s a journey. And while I’m certainly not the shining example of selflessness, my experiences have brought me in contact with the lives and literature of those who are. Their examples have been like the Northern Lights in my life—they have lit my path and guided me forward.

So even though I will share many of my own personal experiences, this book really isn’t about me. It’s about the people, literature, and events that have taught me this life-giving philosophy.

But before I get into that, I feel compelled to address a few things. First, in this book I will talk about serious matters such as depression and suicide. What I share, I share from experience and not from professional training. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, this book and the principles it espouses are not intended to be used as substitutes for professional medical help. Many of the things I share in this book are things I learned while I was receiving proper medical attention. If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I strongly urge you to reach out to trusted friends and seek professional help.

Second, it must be understood that I’m a very selfish person, which is probably why my editors chose the subtitle that they did.¹ But remember, it was not my advice but my father’s advice that went viral. In like manner, it is not my actions that are exemplary but the actions of others. It is through them that I have learned these principles, and it is my experiences with them that I will share with you.

Finally, not only am I a very selfish person, but also I’m a very sarcastic person. And although I fully believe in this philosophy that I’m about to share with you, it doesn’t change the fact that it sometimes sounds a little too peace-love-hippie-happy, even for me. So, my publisher has graciously agreed to give me space in the footnotes to add my occasional … commentary.

All right! I think that’s everything. Ready to lose your life?² Let’s begin!