Epilogue
Clearing the Way
To realize that you do not understand is a virtue; not to realize that you do not understand is a defect.
—Lao Tzu2
Mission Statement
Perception is the key to your success—both in the acting and the asking.
New York City lies about 1,200 miles from Michigan, where, as you know, I grew up and went to college. By current accepted wisdom, my adopted hometown, New York, is considered the center of business and culture in the Western world. It has more theaters, museums, corporate headquarters, and high-end shopping per square mile than any other city in any other country on Earth. Because of its history, or maybe in spite of it, New York is also the number-one high-value target for job-seekers looking for an opportunity in finance, business, entertainment, the arts, fashion, advertising, cable TV, sports, food services, and hospitality. New York, New York: It really is the city so nice they named it twice. And for good reason.
But like all good things, there’s also a downside: New York can be a cold, unforgiving, unpredictable, often-inhospitable landscape in which even good deeds are frowned upon, and the laws of cause and effect go out the window quicker than the Naked Cowboy’s pants come off in Times Square.
I spent the formative years of my professional life working for others as on-air talent in TV news, as a congressional speechwriter, as a buyer at retail, working in public relations, and as a senior executive and member of the executive committee at a Fortune 500 company. I’ve spent the bulk of my working career running my own business as a media, PR, and strategic consultant to a wide range of mostly interesting, sometimes-terrifying, never-dull movers and shakers; captains of industry, many of whom have senior roles in corporations all over the globe. Some of my clients even run those companies. Somehow, I’ve also found time to speak at upward of 200 live events a year and still managed to build a family with my husband, David, and daughter, Avery.
With all of my life experience, if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that no matter what you think, perception is reality. So the first thing you must learn, or re-learn, or let seep into your consciousness as we launch you into implementing your ultimate success plan is this: It’s not always what you do that counts the most; it’s how what you do lands on others. The funny thing is I didn’t learn this lesson in the boardrooms and grand ballrooms that have occupied so much of my time these past 20 years. I learned it on a New York City cross-town bus.
The fall day was cold and the air held the kind of crispness you might smell in a small-town apple orchard. Even though this is the big city, there are still subtle nuances about it that can surprise and delight, like smelling fresh cider on a city street corner in late fall. For those who don’t know, Manhattan is laid out like a big banana, roughly 3 miles wide and 8 miles long. The famous avenues, 5th Ave, Madison Avenue, Park Avenue, Broadway, and so on, run uptown and downtown, and are crisscrossed by its famous streets: 57th Street, 42nd Street, 34th Street, and 14th Street, in a seemingly endless patchwork quilt of cars, pedestrians, cabs, and above ground mass transit that knows no equal. One morning, not long after I changed my life again and relocated to the city to begin my third or fourth career—this one in public relations—I got on the 57th Street cross-town bus.
In New York, all classes of people take public transportation and that day was no exception. Even if you have a pile of cash, one of the best ways to commute comfortably and inexpensively from New York’s Upper East Side (a bastion of well-heeled apartment buildings and well-to-do upper-middle-class families) is to take the bus from the East Side across town into the heart of the business district.
On this day I got on the bus, winded and ready for a nap, and my workday hadn’t even begun! Sitting across from me, two aisles away, was a nice-looking, rather affluent older man wearing a tailored suit and a large gold Rolex watch planted firmly on his left wrist. He was sitting alone. I remember traffic was light and the bus was less than half full. A stop or two after I got on, a couple of young toughs came on board and sat opposite the guy with the Rolex. It didn’t take long for me to see these guys were looking at the man like two half-starved predators sizing up their prey.
The older man stood up. Maybe his was the next stop, or perhaps he just had a feeling standing was the right thing to do, or in this case the wrong thing to do. As soon as Rolex man entered the aisle, one of the young thugs got in front of the man and backed into him. As he did, the other thug came from behind, reached into the older gent’s pocket, and snatched his wallet. Lucky me, all this was happening right in front of my face. With almost no regard for life or limb (okay, so that’s a little dramatic) I began hitting the hand of the predator who had just grabbed the wallet.
I jumped out of my seat and started slapping the mugger’s hand with my purse. I’ll tell you, the memory of the look on that guy’s face, even today, is priceless. He couldn’t believe this young girl was attacking him with her handbag and yelling with such ferocity that the driver was forced to stop the bus and open the doors. The robbers assessed the situation and without further drama bolted from the bus, one from the front door, the other from the rear. The bus lurched forward and, as it did, I almost fell onto my perfectly pleated rear end. As I hung on for dear life, I could see the two goons now on the street running after the bus, arms pumping, four letter words flying, threats mixing with angry spittle, but I didn’t care one bit. I was a hero. I was a hero!
I turned back, reached down, picked up the wallet, and handed it to the Rolex-wearing gent who hardly seemed to notice that his wallet and possibly his watch were the targets of brazen mid-town robbers. Without so much as a thank you, the man sat back in his seat, eyes forward. Well, so much for gratitude.
As I turned again to sit back down, a woman in her mid-60s behind me leaned closer. I thought, “Here it is,” finally a little recognition for what I’d just done. “You had to get involved, didn’t you?” she hissed, “bet you’re pretty pleased, being a hero and all. Do you realize you’ve just ruined it for the rest of us? Shame on you, missy. Shame on you!”
I was confused.
“You heard me. Don’t pretend you didn’t. Now we’re a target. Sure as we’re sittin’ here those idiots are comin’ back and will seek revenge.”
“Revenge,” I thought, chilled by the idea of it. She continued.
“Mark my words. Who’s next? Me? You? Him?” She nodded her head toward the thankless old guy. “Thanks for nothing. Next time that’s exactly what you should do. Nothing!”
As if to emphasize her point she stood up, stabbed at me with her cane, and hobbled to the rear door. As she exited the bus, her facial expression said it all.
I thought I had just interrupted a brazen mid-morning robbery on a New York City bus, but it had turned into a misstep in the eyes of my co-rider who feared retribution for my actions. I was confused. More than that I was intrigued. How could something so right seem so wrong in the eyes of another?
That leads me to one of the key lessons from this book: If you’re going to get recognized, rewarded, and promoted for the things you do, unless the people around you—your team, coworkers, and most importantly your superiors—opt into your actions and believe you’re doing exactly the right thing at the right moment, then no matter what you do, it might never be good enough, or right enough, or recognized enough.
Because this is a book about thriving in a business environment it’s important for you to realize that the effect you have on others is a factor than can influence your destiny. Sure, there are plenty of other ways to make a living that don’t involve being in a company. But if your dream is to make it and succeed in the hallowed halls of the big and small, new and old infrastructures, the awareness and advice gleaned from Your Ultimate Success Plan will prove extremely useful.
It’s never been a better, more thrilling time to work in a business environment that excites you and makes you happy, if not eager, to get out of bed in the morning. This is truly one of life’s great pleasures. To be ensconced in a work place that holds no excitement, that bores you, terrifies you, makes you want to play hooky every day, or makes you want to quit and sing opera aboard a cruise ship, is a stultifying, oppressive condition that can actually lead to a host of bad things including anxiety, depression, overeating, undereating, nail biting, and the list goes on. If you’ve taken this book to heart, none of that is going to happen to you going forward, at least not without a big, juicy fight. So, here is my pledge to you: Together we’ve journeyed through a book (that I wrote and you’re reading) dedicated to helping you thrive in a business setting, no matter what the size, and even more importantly, it’s a book that gives you permission to remove the chains that have been holding you back from getting what you really want so you can “go for it” with more appropriate, helpful, and meaningful insights and strategies than ever before.
Let’s uncouple the previously mentioned chains. I’m not referring to the kind of restraint that others place on you, but instead the self-imposed chains that prevent us from establishing a trajectory that makes sense and fulfills our deepest, most passionate goals. I said in the FAQs that if you got this book, or previewed this book, or someone loaned you this book, that there would be takeaways, helpful tidbits or useable insights on almost every page that could help you right away. So let’s remind you of one right now. At least for the moment, forget all about being recognized, rewarded, and promoted. Forget about the outcome. Instead, think about what you dream about or love doing the most, whether it’s your job or a hobby that has nothing to do with making money. It doesn’t matter. It just has to be something you love so much that simply in the doing of it you feel successful.
Are you thinking? Good. Now, hold on to the notion that the first place success begins—the place where your ultimate success plan has to start if it’s going to work—is inside of you! You don’t need a boss or a coworker or your husband or girlfriend or your sous-chef to tell you what brings you joy; that’s your territory, and who knows what you like better than you? Deal with it.
Here’s another thought: You start being successful by feeling successful, and that process starts with you being the boss of you. Though that might seem like a bit of an oversimplification, it’s not. The only way we’re going to get others to buy into what you’re selling is for you to believe in the product. In this case, the product is you! When you feel good and are motivated to do a great job, when you’re doing something you like or love it’s much easier for others to feel your passion and to believe in you.
Doing something you like to do is important. As famous piano man Billy Joel exclaimed, “If you are not doing what you love, you are wasting your time.”2
Face it: It’s much easier to get out of bed on a rainy morning and make the commute into work when you’re excited about what you’re doing. It’s estimated that somewhere between 20 to 30 percent of our work life is spent getting to and from the office. There have been times in my life when I’ve spent more hours commuting than I did with my family. Ouch. Traveling can be exhausting and everyday commuting is one of the struggles we face as some of us live in metro areas where being close to the office often means it’s too expensive to live there. There’s no doubt commuting can take more time and energy than you’d like, so by the time you get to work you’re already hungry, tired, and looking for a break. Do that for 15 to 20 years, over and over, and tell me how you feel.
Amy Poehler, the wonderful actor and comedienne, writes in her memoir: “Creativity is connected to your passion, that light that drives you. Career is different. Career is the stringing together of opportunities and jobs…career is the thing that will not fill you up and never make you truly whole.”3 In short, the quickest way to build or re-build the new independent state of you is to focus on your passion and then maybe, if you’re like many who’ve come before, career success will follow. It can happen. I’ve seen it. What gets in the way more than the cranky boss or the crummy coworker, more than the demanding spouse or distracting kids, is you. And that’s what we’re aiming to change.
As Gretchen Rubin, best-selling author of The Happiness Project admonishes, “So, if there’s something that you wish you did more regularly, try doing it every day. Write every day, pack a lunch every day, go for a walk every day, read every day. It’s easier!”4
In order to be recognized, rewarded, and promoted (now we’ve got our sights eagerly set on outcome) within large and small companies alike, you not only have to think and act differently in an ever-changing landscape, you also have to step up your game by shedding behaviors that no longer serve you!
Here’s another takeaway; this one’s a bit harder to see in ourselves but easy to see in others: We live in a reactive world, where most people tend to deal with specific events and circumstances with conditioned behaviors that yield only short-term benefits and negative long-term consequences.
People take action in response to constriction or deficit, and if done often enough wonder why the corner office isn’t looming large in their legend. The answer isn’t an enigma wrapped in a mystery. It’s quite clear! These limiting behaviors simply don’t work.
Consider that sometimes it is way better to keep your eyes open and your mouth shut! You want to be relevant; looking for and responding to the non-verbal cues of others are critical. So is the need to be memorable. Translation: “Think long and talk short.” Distill in your head, do the silent drill down, and deliver information that’s digestible, value-added, and relatable. Your job isn’t to succumb to the “curse of knowledge,” as described in the popular tomb Made to Stick, in which authors Chip and Dan Heath examine how unsuccessful people “bury the lead.” They assert that these hapless subjects make themselves forgettable and then wonder why peers, superiors, and subordinates don’t act on their information.5 This concept is a foundational cornerstone of my keynotes. I peel back this phenomenon in my workshops as well, using a common comparator to illustrate the point how effective communicating is like packing a Travel Pro versus a steamer trunk. The small carry-on roller bag requires purposeful editing: When space is at a premium, you take just what you need for your trip, versus the steamer trunk, which encourages you to pack any and everything, regardless of whether you’ll actually wear it or not. The result is that you literally haul around excess baggage that ruins the trip, tires you out, and even costs you money, as you can’t possibly carry it yourself and are constantly tipping others to transport it.
If you routinely find yourself over-talking, revisit your mission. Are you trying to telegraph how smart you are (which no one cares about) or how right you are (which, depending on benefits, makes people care a lot)?
Although it’s important to get to the point, it’s also important to make your point and ask for what you need, want, or deserve.
Don’t Be Afraid to Ask
How we get “stuff” (goods, services, favors, relationships, help, promotions, assets—you name it) occupies much of our thoughts and deeds each and every day. For the most part, “stuff” doesn’t just fall into our laps; we have to ask! As mentioned in the Preface, we all want people to buy from us, date us, elect us and promote us, but the sad truth is that for many, the “ask” is very difficult. This begs the question: Why is it so hard for us to ask for the things we so desperately need, want, and, in most cases, deserve?
Regardless of how we communicate, face-to-face, verbally, and digitally, the ask is relatively complex. There are many kinds of asks: a favor (“Could I borrow your car this evening?”), a demand (“I am asking everyone to be here by 6 p.m. sharp!”), a negotiation (“Will you give me a discount if I pay in cash?”), advice (“Will you please think about what I’ve told you?”), even a statement disguised as an ask (“Do you believe she actually walked out of the house in that outfit?”). The hardest asks are those that are perceived as giving power to the “grantor” because, unless they agree, you cannot move forward. So, depending on the level of importance, we must go through a sequenced process leading up to the ask in order to increase the chances of a yes:
1. We ingratiate to make sure the grantor thinks positively about us.
2. We figure out a way to lead into discussing the situation that requires the ask.
3. We (sometimes nervously) narrate the scenario that creates the need.
4. We get to the actual ask, but we’re not done yet.
5. We follow up the ask with a modifier that makes it okay if the answer is no (“Look, I understand if you can’t do this, but…”).
This is an extremely stressful procedure that requires us to go through all sorts of mental and ego gyrations, analysis, and preparation in order to feel confident enough to go for it. We initially approach the individual whom we think presents the best odds of saying yes; unless it’s an emergency, we play down the need in order to avoid looking too desperate, we ask for the absolute minimum so the grantor doesn’t think he or she has to give too much, and we make the ask optional so the potential grantor doesn’t feel bad if they have to refuse. Whew!
It was in 1933, at the depth of the Great Depression, that Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his first inaugural address, quoted the immortal line “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”6 But it is that very thing, fear, that stops so many of us from the ask. What is that fear? Quite simply, we will do anything to avoid hearing the word no! Remember our examination of Go for No in Chapter 10? For most people, no is the poster-word for rejection and, for most of us, rejection is intolerable. Rejection has a tendency to bring out the worst in us—shame, fear, and a paralysis that floods our thoughts with fury, while at the same time, eats away at our self-confidence and esteem. It threatens our whole feeling of being part of something greater than ourselves. Much has been researched on this subject, especially the activity of the brain when one experiences rejection. Not surprisingly, what was discovered is that when we’re rejected, the same parts of the brain get activated as when we experience real pain. The two reactions are so linked to each other that when scientists gave participants in a study Tylenol before subjecting them to a rejection experiment, they said they experienced much less emotional distress than the group who wasn’t given the pain reliever. Go figure.
If you ever followed the once-popular television series Survivor you will note the expression of pain on the individual’s face when they were voted off the island. It was like a stab in the chest; no wonder we’ll do anything to avoid that feeling.
But here’s the thing. It’s not about Getting to Yes, the title of the self-help book on successfully negotiating; it’s about living with, responding to, and overcoming no. It’s what the experts say stretches you and what popular author Carol Dweck asserts encourages a “growth mindset,” as a key factor in the new psychology of success.7
Presumably, one asks for something he or she doesn’t currently have (a raise, someone’s vote, a date). If you ask and are denied, then you are no worse off than you were before you made your request! It’s not like “I won’t go out with you (and by the way I’m going to tell everyone else not to go out with you either!).” The only one who punishes us when we hear no is ourselves, and managing that expectation will allow you to not only get over the initial issue of being rejected, but will also determine how you come back and ask again.
One of my favorite stories regarding how to deal with the fear of rejection and hearing the dreaded no was published in O Magazine some years ago. Successful author Suzanne Finnamore wrote about an incident early in her career in advertising. In order to curry favor with her boss and attend a fancy company trip to Maui, she prepared a massive presentation for their client. Although the presentation went very well, it wasn’t enough to impress her boss, who informed Suzanne she would in fact be staying behind. Instead of being dejected, Ms. Finnamore turned staying behind into an uninterrupted opportunity to revise her resume and send it to a large agency in San Francisco.
Her timing was perfect. Within days, she had secured an interview and an offer! She gave her two-week notice and never looked back. This two-time winner of the Oprah Book Club Pick advises, “Don’t just get even— go to a much higher place where they can’t see you from their lawn chairs, which are probably missing slats.”8
What Suzanne did was depersonalize and then strategize. She didn’t personalize the situation; she simply realized that her efforts weren’t being appreciated and, in order for her to feel whole, she needed to move on. With that confidence, she was able to ask for something even greater than what she had—refusing to engage in the self-defeating process of trying to figure out why her boss didn’t like her. In short, it’s imperative that you put your efforts into things you can control, and avoid wasting time and emotional capital on things you can’t control.
More and more, I find when conducting workshops, attendees always bring technology backup, often in several forms, such as smartphones, iPads, and laptops. Everyone thinks they can multitask, so during my overview, they take advantage of being able to listen to me while checking e-mails. Initially, while finding this somewhat disconcerting, I used to allow participants to keep their laptops open, check messages, and swish through applications. I thought if I said anything, and asked them to unplug, they would get mad and disengage. Well, eventually I realized that this was not going to work. Multi-tasking is an oxymoron; you can’t really do two things well at the same time. So I had tough choices. I could risk their ire by asking them to shut off their technology or deal with the distraction by jumping around like a circus clown to get their ongoing attention. The latter was exhausting and demeaning, so that was out, and I came up with a better strategy. I would announce at the beginning of the session that I was asking everyone to shut down their computers and turn off their smartphones. In return, I would give them all ample break time to check messages and return calls. To maximize the time together, it was imperative that we would give each other our undivided attention. As part of the ask, I gave them a clear benefit, and it worked! As a result, I am rarely upstaged by an individual’s technology, and participants find the unplugging refreshing! If I had been overly concerned with how the attendees would feel about me, and fail to ask for what I needed, I would have been unable to overcome the inevitable distractions that the devices provided. Like Ms. Finnamore, I depersonalized and strategized. This empowered me to go for the ask.
Never again will your default reaction be “If I ask, they might say no, and that would be intolerable!” Use the skills discussed in this book to empower you to declare, “If they say no, then I’ll figure out an alternative and maybe get more than I initially asked for.”
A key determining factor that will influence your behavior choices, one that you can put into practice immediately upon finishing this book, and in the very doing of it might begin your transformation sooner than you think is: Keep your eyes on the prize at all times!
What this means is, you don’t have to be right, loud, proud, reactive, or mean. You don’t have to play the role of victim, aggressor, wounded warrior, busy girl, or bossy boy if it means you’re being negatively affected by your actions. Keep in mind that losing your cool doesn’t mean you’re effective. It actually means you’re out of power, and that’s a no-no in the eyes of your superiors. Knowing what you want, say the opportunity to present at your company’s offsite retreat in a month, which has been denied, may or may not be tied to an office blowup that seemed innocent to you, but enough people complained and the higher ups put you in the penalty box without ever telling you. Your only clue that something is wrong; you didn’t get to present at the offsite. By keeping your eyes on the bigger picture you might have to modulate and temper your reaction to things in the office, which will make you a more balanced, more engaged participant at work.
Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. If your rising star starts to stall, seek input and get to the source of the derailer; if you sense a negative change, ask for an explanation. A case in point: A brilliant female CEO for whom I provide executive coaching recently shared her “teachable moment.” Fast-tracked at a Fortune 50 Company, she suddenly found herself not being invited to key client meetings and passed over for important presentations. She decided to confront what she sensed was a sea change in management’s attitude toward her and was told she was too overly competitive with her peers—that her drive needed to be directed externally, not internally. Though she valued the feedback, took it to heart, and began to modify her behavior, this successful executive left the company soon after—not because of the constructive feedback (she actually benefitted from it) but because management was not transparent enough to volunteer it in the first place! It’s this fearless and frank persona that now lets her lead an organization of 8,500 employees.
Clearly these qualities are admired by the higher ups, and the cause and effect of seeming to have your act together might not instantly translate into a reward or promotion, but it will start you down (actually up) the path to recognition—reward and promotion.
For much of my adult life I’ve coached professionals at all levels from myriad companies who have struggled with their careers. Stuck in jobs they didn’t enjoy, many had to leave their workplace with no clear-cut plan how they would survive and thrive. That doesn’t have to happen to you! You’ve read the book. Consider this your Independence Day where you can control and will modulate the desired outcomes of your actions, on your terms, by applying tactics and mid-course corrections that really work.
Let’s celebrate the emergence of a new you, similar in many ways to the older, less-wise you. But now the new you is willing to take a hard look at the choices that define your progress on a daily basis.
Here’s an exercise I like to offer some of my clients: Draw a line down the middle of one sheet of paper. Write on the left side all the things that happened today that didn’t go well, in your eyes. This can be anything from a conversation that didn’t go as planned to meeting times veering wildly from your calendar. On the right side, write down what went well: a good sales call, a conversation that might generate more business—overall, the victories large and small that made the day productive and worth remembering. You don’t have to do anything other than be aware at this stage.
Although many items might land on the left side, with enhanced awareness from Your Ultimate Success Plan, you’ll begin to address patterns that in no time will transform your sheet of paper into a right-column masterpiece. But, please don’t think life is always going to give you what you want when you want it. That’s not realistic, and where’s the fun in that? Instead, you’ve already begun to cultivate a new situational awareness. Light-bulb moment! You’re getting in touch with the idea that you can follow your passion and that you must be aware of self-limiting behaviors so you can make way for more of the good—clear away the underbrush and create a focused and purposeful path to getting recognized, rewarded, and promoted.