CHAPTER 1
Common Managerial and Supervisory Discussions

Mediating disputes among subordinates, responding appropriately to requests for confidential information, and providing advice before a holiday party are all part and parcel of being a leader and manager. These oh-so-common conversations, however, can trip up well-meaning supervisors who may not be thinking through some of the possible ramifications of the advice they dole out.

Consider this chapter a crash course on Management 101. The tips and strategies here will help you to navigate common but potentially dangerous pitfalls that await you as a manager. Not only will these discussions help you lead more effectively, but they’ll also help your subordinates learn how to manage more effectively when they themselves are placed into leadership roles further along in their careers.

Scenario 1: Mediating Disputes Among Subordinates

Every line manager in corporate America has felt frustrated over employee tensions and unresolved conflict. And let’s face it: There’s typically more than enough work that needs to be done without involving hurt feelings, resentment, and that walking-on-eggshells sensation that makes you feel more like a referee than a supervisor.

With the critical need for retention of key talent, however, managers have to find ways to get their people “plugged in” again or else face premature turnover. The reality, though, is that your staff members will almost always take the path of least resistance with each other—which is avoidance—rather than address problem issues head on. As the manager, you must intervene in a mediating role to ensure that a lack of communication doesn’t lead to performance problems or turnover.

Pretending that a problem doesn’t exist or allowing staff members to work out problems on their own may be a safe strategy when a new interpersonal conflict first arises; however, once that initial frustration has festered over time, it becomes time to step in.

The Solution

When two of your staff members are at war, meet with each individual separately and explain how you intend to resolve the problem:

Sam, I’m meeting with you one-on-one and will do the same with Christina once you and I are done. I want you to understand how together we’re going to resolve the underlying tension that’s become fairly obvious between the two of you.

First, I’ll want to hear your side of the story, and then I’ll share that with Christina when we meet. I’ll then want to hear Christina’s side of the story, and I’ll share her feedback with you before the three of us come together as a group. This way everyone will know everyone else’s issues, or the what of it all, and we could come together and focus on how to resolve it.

In short, we’ll solve this in three meetings: Our meeting right now, Sam, is the first one. My meeting with Christina right after we’re done will be the second one. I’ll follow up with you after that and give you her feedback. Finally, we’ll have a third meeting this afternoon where we can talk this out together. Again, everyone will know the issues, so there won’t be any surprises, and we’ll solve this like adults, maintaining each other’s respect and dignity. Are you clear on how I’m planning on handling this?

Privately find out Sam’s side of the story at that point. In your meeting with Sam, ask him why Christina may be feeling the way she does. Ask Sam what he’d like to see happen ideally in terms of his relationship with Christina, and then ask him what he’d be willing to change about his own behavior to elicit a different response from her in the future. Afterward hold the same meeting with Christina, learn her side of the story, and then share her perceptions with Sam.

The third meeting where you all come together is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. Understanding that employees may be nervous or anxious that a serious escalation may occur, set the ground rules as follows:

Okay, Sam and Christina, I’ve got two key ground rules that we all have to follow before we begin.

First, you shouldn’t hold anything back. This is your chance to get it all out in the open, and if you withhold anything, then you’ll have missed a golden opportunity to share your side of the story. You’re not going to get another chance to readdress these pent-up issues and frustrations in the future. After our meeting today, I’m re-welcoming you both to the company as if it were your first day of employment. I’m also holding you both accountable for reinventing your working relationship from that point forward. Understood? [Yes.]

Second, everything that you share has to be said with the other person’s best interests in mind and in a spirit of constructive criticism. There is no attacking and no need for defending in this meeting; this is really more a sensitivity session where you both get to walk a mile in the other’s moccasins and hear firsthand how the other is feeling. Do I have your agreement on both of these ground rules? [Yes.]

Setting up a meeting with these qualifiers automatically de-escalates feelings of angst or anger in the participants. It also gives you the chance to take a gentle approach to interpersonal issues that, like scars, sometimes run long and deep.

Special Note

During the group meeting, you’ll sometimes notice that each employee will first address his or her concerns directly to you—the mediator. It will be as if the other person weren’t even there. Third-person “he-she” discussions need to be changed into an “I-you” dialogue. To accomplish this shift in audience, simply stop the conversation as soon as one of the participants begins speaking about the other in the third person. Ask the individual to speak directly to the other person as if you weren’t there. That may appear a little challenging for the participants at first, especially if emotions are running high, but direct communication works best. After all, you’re helping them fix their problem.

In addition, you should encourage your two staff members to use the phrases “this is how I feel” and “can you understand why I would feel that way?” Feelings aren’t right or wrong—they just are. Since perception is reality until proven otherwise, it’s each individual’s responsibility to sensitize the other regarding the existence of perceptions that have developed over time.

Knowing that guilt will allow for the assumption of partial responsibility for an imperfect situation, that element of accountability will serve as the seed of goodwill that helps heal old wounds. For example, if Christina feels bad about her relationship with Sam, shares with him why she feels the way she does, and admits that it takes two to tango and that she’s part of the problem, then Sam will likely respond positively to the olive branch that Christina’s extending.

Once you’ve pierced the heart of the combatants, so to speak, then the battle is won. You’ll know you’re there when they’re talking to each other, agreeing that they’ve got a problem on their hands, and demonstrating a willingness to fix it. These kinds of management interventions aren’t normally investigations of fact-finding. Instead, they’re sensitivity training sessions where goodwill and openness naturally heal the wounds associated with ego and principal.

Conclude the meeting this way:

Christina and Sam, you’ve both heard the other side of the story now. I’m not asking you to become best friends, but I’m insisting that you both demonstrate respect and open communication toward each other at work from this point forward.

I’ll end this meeting with two questions. First, do I have your commitment that you’ll view the other with goodwill and assume good intentions from this point forward? Second, do you both understand that if the situation doesn’t improve and the work flow is negatively impacted in any way, my response next time may result in formal progressive discipline rather than a goodwill sit-down like this?

And voilà—you’ll have given both employees their day in court, so to speak, where each vents and shares perceptions of the problem. You’ll end the meeting on a constructive note where both agree to change their behavior. And you’ll also create a healthy sense of paranoia where both realize that if the problem surfaces again, there may be a more formal management response—most likely in the form of a written warning. Congratulations! You’ve treated your warring parties as adults and held them accountable for fixing the perception problem on their hands.

Remember, no matter how much you care, you can’t manage their differences. Only they can do that. Still, you can provide a forum for solving employee disputes that brings out the best in people. Establishing a culture of openness means confronting people problems in an environment that’s safe and that maintains the individual’s dignity. It enhances your position as a leader and establishes your reputation as a fair arbiter of disagreements. There’s no better formula for employee retention than treating people with respect, dignity, and a caring ear.

Scenario 2: Appropriate Responses to Requests to Speak “Off the Record”

Have you ever had an employee come up to you and ask to speak with you off the record? Many well-intentioned managers have been happy to grant their employees full access, without qualifying the nature of the issue up front, much to their later chagrin. In fact, you’ve got to be very careful about promising confidentiality before you know what the employee is about to divulge for one important reason: Certain issues, by their very nature, require immediate disclosure. You simply won’t have the discretion to maintain confidentiality under any circumstances by the very nature of the topic, and your promise to do so may indeed place you in a precarious position in terms of breaching a subordinate’s trust.

Here are some real-life scenarios that innocent managers have inadvertently stepped into without realizing that they would have to disclose the information to the company’s HR or legal department:

John, I’m really concerned about Marlene. It looks to me like she’s being harassed by her supervisor, and she’s just not the type to make waves or formally complain. I feel so bad for her, but she’d die if she knew that I was telling anyone about this. Poor thing! She knows I’ve overheard his rants and shouting sessions, but I’m sure she thinks I’ll keep it confidential. I certainly wouldn’t want her to know that I mentioned this to you.

Vic, I’m having a really bad day today. In fact, if anyone bothers me, I may be upset enough to really ruin someone’s day (pulling a bullet out of his pocket and tapping it on his desk).

Millie, not that it’s my business, but it looks to me like Doris is moonlighting for our competition on the weekends. Don’t say anything! I wouldn’t want her to get in trouble or lose that extra income stream, but I wonder if she’s feeding any of our proprietary information to our competitors.

The Solution

These scenarios point to the real-life danger—both to the company and to your own physical well-being—of promising confidentiality before you know the nature of the issue. That’s because subordinates often don’t realize what they’re asking you to do when they request that you keep matters confidential before knowing what those matters are about. When someone asks you to speak off the record, respond this way:

Laura, I’d be happy to speak with you confidentially, but it depends on the nature of the issue. I can’t speak off the record if the subject has anything to do with one of three things: (1) harassment and discrimination, (2) potential violence in the workplace, or (3) a conflict of interest with the company. If what you’re about to say has anything to do with those three things, then I’ve got an obligation to disclose the information and can’t keep it confidential. So before you say anything to me, keep in mind those parameters and understand my obligation as a manager and officer of the company. That being said, do you still want to have a confidential discussion?

Yes, this may sound a little formal, especially if you know the employee well. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t have the discretion to keep matters confidential that could negatively impact the organization. In addition, remember the low threshold used over and over again in harassment and discrimination cases: Once a supervisor or other member of the management team is made aware of a problem, then in the eyes of the law, the entire company is placed on notice. That’s an awfully large burden for you to bear if a lawsuit ignites based on the fact that you were the sole supervisor informed about a serious problem. It smarts all the more when the plaintiff’s counsel then alleges that your being put on notice was the same as your company’s CEO being put on notice.

Remember, you don’t have the option of responding, “Well, I didn’t say anything because the employee asked me to keep it confidential.” That’s the death knell for your case, and any experienced defense attorney (representing your company) will roll her eyes once she hears that and recommend that your company simply settle out of court. In short, you’ll have no defense and will have provided just about the weakest excuse imaginable because “my employee asked me to keep it confidential” is an outright breach of your fiduciary responsibility to your company, and everyone but the most unseasoned and untested supervisor knows that. It’s a sucker punch of the highest degree, and it’s one that you’ll want to avoid at all costs.

Likewise, after you’ve promised confidentiality to an employee, you don’t really want to be the one who goes back to HR and divulges that the individual made a veiled threat of violence by tapping a bullet on his desk. Of course, you have to disclose that information for fear of workplace violence and in light of this threat to others’ safety; however, the employee will know that you’re the only person who knew of his “comment” (aka threat), and that could bode poorly for you in terms of protecting your own health and safety. Add this red flag to your management toolbox so that any time you’re asked to talk off the record, you’ll know how to respond up front.

Scenario 3: Promoting a Neophyte into a First-Time Supervisory Role

At first glance, this topic may seem a little out of place in this book. After all, what’s so tough about promoting someone into a first-time supervisory role? Shouldn’t that be a topic of joy and jubilation rather than potential confrontation? Well, it depends how you look at it. Of course, it’s always wonderful to promote people into roles of leadership, but the truth is that most newly minted managers require “the talk” before you go ahead and officially bless their promotion.

Why? Because if they assume that they’re simply getting promoted and earning more money to do more of the same, they’re mistaken. Promotions into supervisory roles require a whole new set of skills and strategies, and if your company is willing to invest in them and promote them, then you have every right to establish your expectations on a go-forward basis. As a result, this can be a challenging discussion for you to give and for your employee to receive, but more often than not, you’ll find that establishing this new mind-set will go a long way in helping newly promoted supervisors to excel and thrive in their new roles.

However, don’t be too surprised if you get some initial resistance and even a challenge or two. After all, goes the logic of the newly promoted supervisor, why would you consider promoting me if I wasn’t doing an outstanding job, and why are you killing all the fun and taking away from the moment by telling me about all my weaknesses?

The Solution

This talk needs to be an honest and balanced assessment of the individual’s performance up to now, along with the heightened expectations you have for that individual in the new role. It may sting a bit during the time of delivery, but it’s meant to get that individual thinking about where he’s been, what he’s accomplished, and where he wants to go from here. As a result, you might want to structure your conversation like this:

Heidi, I wanted to meet with you to discuss your pending promotion. I’m sure you’re excited to see it happen, but before all the paperwork goes through and this becomes formalized, I want to talk with you candidly and openly about my expectations of you in your new role. Does that sound fair? [Yes.]

Up to now, you’ve been an A student. You’ve worked very hard, applied yourself in every way, and did everything that I assigned to you with a smile and can-do attitude. You’ve kept me in the loop regarding your progress and always let me know if you wouldn’t be able to meet a deadline or ran into any unforeseen delays, and I’ve always appreciated that. Truth be told, that’s why I’ve been so supportive of your promotion into a first-line supervisor role.

That being said, I want you to know how things look from my perspective, and I’m not holding any punches. The good news is that this will be an open and honest conversation that I want you to take in and learn from; the not-so-good news is that some of this may be difficult for you to hear, so I want you to approach this with an open mind. Fair enough? [Yes.]

Good. Let’s start with my expectations: If you receive and accept this promotion, you’ll be supervising people who are now your peers. That means that there may be some resentment or jealousy from those whom you feel closest to. It also means that you’re going to have to distance yourself from them a bit so that there’s a clear line or distinction between you and them.

That means, first of all, that you’ll need to dress more professionally. Up to now, you’ve worn clothes and apparel that are befitting of a staff member. But I wouldn’t say they were befitting of a member of the management team. Some people on your staff dress exceptionally well, and you know who they are. I don’t feel that they should dress more professionally than you; however, if you’re not careful, the people you supervise may “show you up,” so to speak. Your image therefore becomes very important, and I want you to give some thought to the image you want to portray both toward your subordinates as well as senior members of management. Is that fair? [Yes.]

Okay. Next, you need to choose your friends a bit more carefully. Up to now, you’ve been very tight with a small group of girls outside of our department—Cindy, Joanne, and Stephanie—and that’s fine. I can’t tell you who to befriend. What I can tell you, though, is that from my view, with all due respect to them, they’re kind of seen as the class clowns on this floor. People don’t take them very seriously because they don’t take their careers very seriously and are constantly joking and giggling and playing pranks on one another.

Again, they’re your friends, and I’m not dictating who you should be friends with. But I can tell you that if I see you and them as one and the same, others will too, and that’s not necessarily going to help your career. My recommendation would be to expand your circle of friends to include other supervisors and department heads. Let people see you networking with higher-level associates, and they’ll tend to categorize you upward into that group, which will help them take you more seriously. Do you see my logic here? [Yes.]

Finally, and most important, I need you to step up in terms of how you see yourself and how you’ll take ownership of the projects you work on and the people you supervise. In short, up to now you’ve been an A student. But I don’t need a student anymore—I need a teacher. And my expectations for teachers are totally different than for students.

For starters, I’ll need you to lead, not follow. I’ll expect you to take well-calculated risks, but always with advanced approval. (As you know, I don’t like mavericks and hate being blindsided.) I’ll need you to speak with authority and command a room, and I know you haven’t really been expected to do that before. This promotion, though, will change all that. They say that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, and I’d like to think that you’re heading into that phase right now.

Are you ready to teach by setting lesson plans, delivering new information, making solid recommendations, and confronting problem situations head-on? Will you be strong enough to discipline or even lay off or terminate subordinates whom you now consider close personal friends? Will I be able to count on you to reinvent yourself in light of these challenges? [Yes.]

These are my expectations, and you need to be sure that you’re ready to step up your own performance to meet them. I promote successful people into successful roles. However, there’s a risk of failure here, like with any change in life, and you need to be sure that you’re ready for the challenge.

You don’t need to answer me right now. I’d rather you sleep on this, think about it carefully, and get back to me tomorrow. Know that you’re not alone in this and that I’ll always be here to help. But before you say yes to this promotion, make sure you’re clear on my expectations and in your ability to meet them. Don’t take this opportunity for granted, and get ready to enter a new stage in your career. When you meet with me tomorrow, I’ll want to be convinced that you’re ready to go and excited. Now let’s talk about what questions you have….

Wow! That’s a lot of information. And of course it doesn’t have to do with only these particular issues; chattiness, avoidance of confrontation, or a messy office are just as valid criteria. What’s important is that you’re honest in your assessment of the individual’s performance up to now as well as your future expectations. Your honesty may be difficult to hear at first, but it can serve as an advantage for the newly minted supervisor’s career development. That’s what enlightened and selfless leadership is all about.

Scenario 4: New Supervisor Syndrome

When three peers—say at the department manager level—work together side by side, year after year and one is suddenly promoted to director, now managing the two former peers, resentments and hurt feelings may occur. After all, as much as the two former peers are happy for their newly promoted colleague, that person is now their new boss, and all sorts of weird feelings and vibes may suddenly get in the way of their relationship.

In addition, the new supervisor often feels a bit guilty that he was promoted and the other two were passed over. His guilt, combined with their hard feelings, can create problems in what was once a fairly cohesive group.

The Solution

When tension and resentment show themselves, the new supervisor often responds in one of two ways: He either (1) placates the others and apologizes for his promotion, allowing the two new subordinates carte blanche to do whatever they want, or (2) turns into General Patton, taking every opportunity to establish his new control over the group. Obviously, either extreme creates its own set of problems and must be addressed quickly and definitively.

Travis, I need to meet with you regarding your transition into your new role as director. Tell me how it’s going overall, and specifically address how your two former peers—Janine and Heather—are dealing with your new responsibilities.

Don’t be surprised to hear Travis tell you that things are going swimmingly well or else confirm what you’ve heard from other members of the staff: That he’s either placating them every chance he gets or he’s isolating them by demonstrating total control over everything they do. In the first case, proceed as follows:

Travis, I’m glad you feel like things are going well overall. I want to share with you, though, what the word on the street is. Apparently more than one person on your staff has noticed that you appear to be apologetic to Janine and Heather, almost feeling guilty that you were elected for promotion while they weren’t. If that’s the case, it’s totally understandable. It’s known as New Supervisor Syndrome, and it’s common for the newly promoted peer to placate the others or otherwise allow them total discretion to do whatever they want without much direction or instruction. Is it possible that this might be the case in your group?

Again, your style and tone need not be harsh or judgmental. You’re simply trying to help Travis solve a problem, and getting him to talk about why he might harbor feelings of guilt or otherwise be hesitant to supervise his former peers is the first step in resolving the problem.

On the other hand, if you hear that Travis is taking the General Patton approach to dealing with his former peers, you might structure your initial conversation this way:

Travis, I’m glad you feel like things are going well overall. I want to share with you, though, what the word on the street is. Apparently more than one person on your staff has noticed that you appear to be taking a very heavy hand with Janine and Heather. It’s to a point where one person told me that he was embarrassed to be in the same room when you addressed them both in a condescending and antagonistic manner.

I understand that they both report to you now, and this is clearly your unit, but let’s discuss how you want to run it. More important, let’s discuss what kind of reputation you want to develop with your staff as the new unit head and what kind of culture you want to emanate from the top down.

Assuming Travis reports to you, you have every right to discuss his new transition into the unit head role. You likewise have the discretion to provide him with feedback regarding the “word on the street,” or what you hear others saying about him. Engage him openly and honestly, and you’ll more than likely find that he’ll be amenable to your constructive suggestions and willing to convert his newly acquired responsibility into benefits for his two former peers as well as the whole team.

Scenario 5: Inheriting an Employee with Disciplinary Problems

Incorporating employees from other departments is a fairly common occurrence in corporate America. Of course, hiring someone from another group who is looking for a transfer is one thing; being told that you have to now incorporate someone from another department into your team in light of restructurings and other corporate initiatives—especially if he’s known to have performance or conduct problems—is quite another. And to make matters worse, you’ll sometimes have a newly inherited employee join your group with a set of unrealistic expectations established by the former supervisor:

“My boss promised me a 10 percent merit raise this year. Is that still on?”

“I’ve been told I’ll be promoted on my anniversary, which happens to be next month. What would you like my new title to be?”

“Yes, it’s true that I’m on final written warning for what my boss called substandard job performance, but she just didn’t like me.”

Remember, this is what you signed up for when you got into management! These individual challenges could often take up more of your time and cause you more angst than the whole cultural integration process of merging your new and old teams together. When one employee is a squeaky wheel of sorts, dedicate your time to hearing the individual’s side of the story and tending to her needs, but promise nothing until you’ve had a chance to research the situation thoroughly and through as many sources as possible.

The Solution

What prior management promised in terms of promotions and large salary increases may in fact hold true because it’s documented and because your human resources and finance departments have given prior approval. More often than not, though, you’ll find that such claims are based on assumptions on the employee’s part, so be sure and temper their ambitions while you look further into the matter.

Unfortunately, you may have the unpleasant chore of communicating to your new employee that former management, HR, and finance do not agree that this was a done deal, so the huge merit increase and/or promotion won’t be happening this go-around.

Gene, I researched your initial request regarding the promotion from assistant to coordinator that you believe you were promised. In actuality, though, after speaking with Mark in finance, Carson in human resources, and Ashley, your former supervisor, I’m afraid that your proposed promotion never formally got approved. Ashley had every intention of making that happen, but as you know, without signed approval from the department, HR, and finance, the item remains on the wish list.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to award a promotion now due to company budget constraints and the fact that our working relationship is untested. If you’d like to speak with Mark, Carson, or Ashley, you’re more than welcome to do that. I can only tell you what they’ve shared with me and also let you know how I’m planning on handling the matter as your new supervisor. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you.

In cases like this, let the individual know exactly whom you spoke with, what they said, and why there may have been confusion. That being said, confirm that all parties are in agreement with the decision, and invite the employee to speak directly with those individuals himself if he so chooses. Just remember that you weren’t part of that decision. You’re simply communicating what was communicated to you, and you’ll be open to evaluating the situation with a fresh set of eyes on a go-forward basis.

Sometimes, though, it will be more than hurt feelings or disappointment that you’ll be inheriting. Candidates who are transferred into your group on final written warning status for substandard job performance, attendance, or inappropriate workplace conduct may cause specific challenges. When that is the case, make copies of the written and final written warnings, share them with the employee up front in a private meeting, and talk about them openly. In most cases, it’s best to get things like that out in the open and to discuss them rationally, adult to adult. You might open your meeting with the employee as follows:

Michelle, I realize that there are typically two sides to every story, and the validity of the documents isn’t in question: As far as I’m concerned, they’re valid because they’re in your personnel file with your signature. What I’m looking for now is how we reinvent our relationship and move forward, on one hand with a clean slate, and on the other with knowledge that these prior occurrences are real and to a certain extent “in play.” Share with me how you’d recommend that we reconcile these two realities.

What you want to look for now is how the individual responds to those warnings. If she is very defensive and quick to blame others, you may have someone who suffers from “victim syndrome” and who fails to take responsibility for her own actions. In comparison, if she readily admits that she’s made mistakes, assumes responsibility for her actions, and is committed to avoiding those mistakes in the future, you’re halfway there. That’s because people who readily admit that they were the cause of a perception problem—even if they don’t agree with the facts—demonstrate a high level of business maturity and are much more prone to seeing the bigger picture and not repeating past mistakes.

Yes, these can be challenging scenarios that are sometimes forced on you, especially if you really like your current team and really don’t want the added responsibility of integrating others into the close-knit environment that you’ve worked so hard to cultivate. But don’t underestimate the value of this opportunity that lies before you. You’ll rarely be given such a chance to shine from a leadership development standpoint, your résumé will have a nice new juicy bullet point to discuss for years to come, and you may just find that today’s most sought-after attribute—the ability to lead others through transition and demonstrate key leadership skills in a changing business environment—is a hidden strength that you can apply in any workplace situation that comes your way.

Scenario 6: Stopping Attitude Problems in Their Tracks

One of the most common challenges facing supervisors is dealing with employee attitude problems. You’ll know you have this situation on your hands when you sense an entitlement mentality evidenced by rolling eyeballs, sighs, and antagonistic body language. Still, trying to stop such “silent” behavior is difficult because it’s so easily denied by employees.

Frequently, supervisors tend to avoid confrontation associated with employees who “cop a ’tude” because the path of least resistance is avoidance and because the whole matter seems so slippery. After all, as a manager, you don’t want to come across as too touchy or overly sensitive. Still, the feelings of resentment linger and all too often result in the employee being publicly shunned and isolated. Sometimes those pent-up emotions result in a public shouting match when some proverbial last straw is broken, and by then the situation is out of control.

The Solution

There are two key points to keep in mind when attempting to eradicate this all-too-common workplace problem. First, tell the person in private how you perceive her actions and how she makes you feel. Be specific and paint a picture with words so that the employee clearly understands the behaviors in question. Ask for her help in solving the perception problem that exists, and make a mutual commitment to hear that person’s side of the story and better the situation. Second, avoid the term attitude in your discussion and replace it with words like behavior and conduct, which are much more neutral and objective.

Interestingly enough, the word attitude is simply too subjective and inflammatory a word and typically escalates disagreement by fostering feelings of resentment and anger. As a matter of fact, courts have interpreted attitude problems as being mere differences of opinion or personality conflicts. It is therefore critical that you avoid that specific term in any of your conversations or disciplinary documentation.

When attempting to fix a communication problem that exists with one of your staff members, approach the matter by painting a picture with words like this:

Lisa, I need your help. You know they say that perception is reality until proven otherwise. I feel like you’re either angry with me or angry with the rest of the group. I may be off in my assumption, but that’s an honest assessment of the perception you’re giving off. I don’t know if anything’s bothering you or if you feel that I can be more supportive of you in any way, but please let me know if that’s the case.

Otherwise, though, understand that you make me feel embarrassed in front of other members of the staff when you roll your eyes upward and sigh, “Okay, I’ll get it done!” Your body language is also confrontational when you cock your head back and place your hands on your hips.

Do you feel it’s inappropriate for me to ask you to complete your work on time? Should I even have to follow up with you regarding project completion deadlines, or should it be your responsibility to keep me abreast of the status of your projects? How would you feel if you were the supervisor and one of your staff members responded that way to you in front of others? Likewise, how would it make you feel if I responded to your questions with that kind of tone in my voice or body language? Would you feel that I was disrespectful or otherwise condescending toward you, especially in front of the rest of the group?

Notice the highlights in the paragraph above: “You make me feel …” and “How would you feel …” are common phrases that invoke feelings of guilt in others. Feelings aren’t right or wrong—they just are. When combining such phrases with an opening statement like, “There’s a difference in perception here,” employees are usually much more willing to hear your side of the story objectively. After all, there are two sides to every story, and employees typically won’t deny that they’re partially responsible for the problem if it’s presented in the right way. What they often want, however, is to be heard and to gain your attention as their manager. Therefore, seize this opportunity to fix the problem verbally by declaring a truce and listening with an objective ear.

Scenario 7: Advice Before a Holiday Party or an Offsite Event

Sometimes being a manager is like being a parent. You’ve got to get “into your kids’ heads” before an important family event to make sure they’re adequately prepared and in the correct frame of mind because one careless comment or mistake could do some significant damage, both to themselves and to other family members. And how many times have our parents or have we, as parents, thought about a situation involving our kids and gasped, What were they thinking?!

Of course, we’re not expected to play the literal role of parent in the workplace, but it’s not too far a stretch to intuit that, like it or not, we’re saddled with a similar sort of obligation in our roles as supervisors and leaders. Company holiday parties, picnics, and outside activities are meant to be fun and lively and a way for coworkers to get to know one another outside of the work setting. However, the damage that could be done by careless comments or inappropriate behavior can have exceptionally negative ramifications for participants who aren’t thinking straight or who otherwise let their guard down. After all, hearing about people who were fired after a holiday party because they got drunk and made inappropriate comments to the wrong people is not just folklore—it’s alive and well in the business world today.

The Solution

Before embarking on a company-sponsored offsite event like a holiday party, meet with your staff to help them “get their heads on straight,” especially if alcohol will be served at the affair. Your opening salvo might sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. I wanted to call this short meeting in advance of tonight’s holiday party.

’Tis the season, as they say, but I want to spend a few minutes with all of you discussing how to best handle yourself and what to do if you’re placed in an uncomfortable or awkward situation for any reason. Also, note that alcohol will be served, and each of you will get two tickets, which will be good for a total of two drinks. That doesn’t mean that you have to use them, though, and soft drinks may be the alternative of choice after you think about what I’m about to say.

Yes, holiday parties are meant to be fun and spontaneous. And yes, I don’t want to spend so much time warning you all about potential inappropriate conduct at tonight’s bash that I end up taking all the fun away before the party’s even begun. But there are limits around what the company considers acceptable behavior at holiday parties, and people have been known to jeopardize otherwise healthy careers with just one night of indiscretion. In fact, people have even lost their jobs for having lost their cool at a festive fete. So before I set you loose on the world (and on each other) at this holiday get-together, please be sure and keep these three rules in mind:

Rule 1—Employees are responsible for holding themselves accountable for all aspects of their conduct and behavior as if they were back in the office, and that’s the standard you’ll be held to. Unfortunately, many employees forget their manners at holiday parties by overdrinking or otherwise making fools of themselves. Then they sit back and wonder why they’re being disciplined or terminated the next day because things got out of hand.

Rule 2—This is a work-related event—not a private free-for-all—and work standards will need to prevail. So here’s what we’re doing to help all of you successfully navigate the temptation that lies ahead. First, we’ll serve plenty of nonalcoholic beverages as well foods that are high in protein, which slows the body’s absorption of alcohol.

Second, we’ll be collecting car keys at the beginning of the party, and we’ll stop serving alcohol early. We’ll distribute car keys when you’re ready to leave and after we’ve ensured that employees or their family members are sober.

Finally, we’ll have volunteer spotters and designated drivers assigned to monitor the party and, if necessary, to drive intoxicated employees home. The company will also arrange for taxis or even a hotel room should anyone become impaired by alcohol. Under no circumstances, though, are you to drive while under any influence of alcohol afterward.

Rule 3—If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation because someone is acting like an ass, come and see me or one of the staff members from human resources. When it comes to inappropriate conduct and even harassment, the fact that you’re at a company-sponsored party doesn’t mean that workplace rules are no longer valid. If you’re uncomfortable for any reason, excuse yourself and come and get me immediately—even if the person acting inappropriately is a member of the senior management team.

This is meant to be a fun event, but not all managers have these kinds of talks with their staff members in advance, and I want you to know that I’m here to help—as is human resources—if you need anything at all. Have a great time, make new friends, expand your network, and all that fun stuff. But don’t do anything that would make you wake up the next morning and moan, Oh, no! What did I do and what was I thinking?

Yes, you’re ending your presentation on a bit of an ominous note, but that’s okay. If the last words that your staff hears you utter are words of caution and prudence, you’ll have done your job. Don’t feel guilty. They’ll figure out how to have fun on their own without much help from you or anyone else. What’s important is that your team is tight, sharp, and prepared to handle any situation that comes their way because of your thoughtful and proactive leadership.