Day Nineteen. Don’t Be Submissive; Don’t Be an Underdog

A person playing a submissive role acquiesces to the domination of another or others to get something he or she egocentrically values—such as a sense of security, a feeling of protection, or a chance for advancement. These people exchange their freedom to achieve these ends (real or imagined). The submissive person, or “underdog,” learns the art of helplessness. Characteristics typically include servility, or subservience, often accompanied by feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and resentment. The underdog gains some indirect influence over the top dog through flattering subservience. Ironically, clever underdogs sometimes “control” unskillful top dogs. Submitters, like dominators, can be either successful or unsuccessful in achieving their goals.

“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”

—John F. Kennedy

People are often subservient in some situations and dominating in others. In other words, they switch roles in different situations. For example, they might be subservient at the office and dominating at home, or subservient to their spouse while dominating their children. At other times, they might be rational.

Top-dog/underdog (dominating/submissive) patterns are played out in numerous settings and situations in human life, and they lead to much cruelty and suffering. Reasonable persons avoid playing either of these roles. They recognize top-dog and underdog patterns in themselves, insofar as they exist, and they work to avoid them. They realize these tendencies will come up again and again in their thoughts, and therefore their behavior.

Going along with a decision when you disagree with it is not necessarily egocentric submissive (or underdog) behavior. For example, if another person knows more about a situation or issue than you, and you are not in a position to research the information yourself, it might make sense to go along (even though the little information you have about the situation might lead you to disagree). You have to decide, in any given situation and at any given moment, whether you are egocentrically submitting to others or whether you are rationally conceding. Self-deception is always a lurking force in the human mind. Dominating and submissive egocentric thought is always camouflaged, at least to some extent, through self-deception. Hence, it appears in the mind as logical.

To get command of your subservient nature, to the extent that you are prone to this tendency, begin observing your behavior closely when you are with others. Do you tend to go along with them without thinking through whether it makes sense to do so? Do you resent doing so afterwards? Do you feel like someone else has control over you? Only by bringing your subservient thinking and behavior to the forefront of your thoughts will you be able to get command of it and change it. If you have a strong submissive tendency, be prepared for a long, hard fight with it.

Be on the lookout for...

...submissive behavior—yours and others’. One of the hallmarks of submissiveness is conformity, a phenomenon common in human life. So look closely at your behavior in situations where you tend to conform. People who are submissive to others often feel resentment. Notice when you are resentful after having “gone along.” When you submit against your will, do you notice yourself doing so, do you feel impotent, or do you just think negative thoughts? Perhaps you make a flippant or sarcastic comment. Perhaps you act in a passive/aggressive way. Don’t blame others for controlling you; instead, realize you are allowing them to do so and figure out how to stop being submissive. Also notice when others are submissive in relationship to you. Can you determine what they are after? Do they get what they want through their submissive behavior?

Strategies for avoiding irrational submission

• Pinpoint underdog behavior in yourself by identifying situations in which you tend to go along with others without good reason. In these situations, you might resent the subservient role you play. Yet your resentment is submerged. You don’t explicitly resist. You say what you are expected to say (but don’t really mean). After going along, you blame others for your frustration.

To what extent do you find yourself behaving in a subservient way in your everyday life? Why are you doing it? What are you getting for doing it? What do you think would happen if you spoke up and said what you really think? What do you think you would lose?

• Identify specific circumstances in the past in which you behaved in a submissive manner. Did you feel resentful? Defensive? Irritable? Intimidated?

• Much submissiveness in society goes unnoticed, and most people are egocentrically submissive in some areas of their lives. For example, most people do not recognize their submission to their peer group, to irrational cultural requirements and taboos, or to socially defined authorities (people with high social status) who might lead people to act against their interests. Determine how important it is to be your own person, to think for yourself, and to be in command of your life. Insisting you are free does not make you free. Freedom begins with recognizing the extent of your slavery and subservience to social conventions, rules, and ideology.

• Realize that the submitter, like the dominator, can be either successful or unsuccessful. To the extent that you egocentrically submit to others, how “successful” are you? Do you tend to get what you want through submission? What precisely are you getting? What price are you paying for the reward? To what extent are you being dishonest in the situation—either with yourself or others?

• Catch yourself being submissive, such as in a meeting or in a conversation. At that moment, speak up. Say, as rationally as possible, precisely what you think. Notice the sense of self you gain.

• Take a global look at your behavior to determine the extent to which you are dominating, submissive, or rational. In what areas of your life do you tend to dominate? In what areas do you tend to submit? In what areas are you rational? What percentage of the time are you dominating, submissive, or reasonable? Start observing yourself closely to take control of yourself. When you do, you might be surprised by the inner sense of integrity you gain.