CHAPTER SEVEN

Upset and Aggressive Customers

Let’s be realistic—even though complaints can be seen as “positive opportunities,” they aren’t always pleasant to receive. Frankly, most CSRs don’t like aggressive complaints. Here are some of the comments I have heard from complaint handlers:

Customer aggression has been around probably for as long as customers have been purchasing. However, evidence shows that attacks by customers have become more prevalent in the 2020s.¹ What’s worse is all this aggressiveness has increased in frequency and intensity.

Are Attacks Inherent in Working with the Public?

In October 2021, Time magazine referred to September as a “bad month for manners” in terms of attacks on service providers. Hans Steiner, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, pointed out that a lot of the pandemic rudeness is directed toward customer-service staff because “people feel almost entitled to be rude to people who are not in a position of power.” Bernard Golden, the author of Overcoming Destructive Anger, agreed with Steiner and said people are not controlling themselves as much as they used to. The internet has given people the freedom to attack without facing the people they attack. Golden said, “People feel like they can say anything. They no longer guard themselves . . . and they transfer that lack of filter into public life.”² Physical attacks are not addressed in this book, except today almost every organization needs some type of security and instruction for employees about protecting themselves from physical danger. In the accompanying A Complaint Is a Gift Workbook, filled with 101 activities and exercises, Victoria Holtz and I have included information that essential workers who have contact with the public need to know about how to recognize signs of physical threats. They should not hesitate to move away and get help when necessary.

In the workbook, we address customer verbal insults and contempt when words that can deeply wound are used. Sometimes the verbal attacks put tremendous fear in service providers because they are concerned they may lose their desperately needed jobs. Worse, the words could also be a precursor to physical attack. I’ve heard it called a “galloping insanity” infecting our civil life. It may sound almost funny, but the results are real and damaging.

Many new-to-the-workforce employees do not know how to deal with upset, aggressive complaining customers. The only way many of them say they learn is with experience, and that can take years to get solidly in place. Many young people believe attacks by customers are just an inherent element and price to be paid from working with the public.³ I hate to agree with that belief, but let’s assume it’s the case. If so, CSRs desperately need strong backbones to go home emotionally and physically unbruised. I know many CSRs who go home at night, sit in their bathrooms, cry, and remain sleepless throughout the night. They’ve told me so. Health-care workers talk about the utter dismay they feel when they do everything they can to keep their COVID-19 patients alive, yet patients and their families attack them. Many quit or at least feel like leaving after a particularly bruising day. It’s possible to argue some service providers earn the abuse they receive. And that happens. But in this section of the book, we will look at how CSRs can protect themselves from verbal abuse or help customers see the damage they do to people attempting to help them.

The Difference between Anger and Dissatisfaction

I distinguish between dissatisfaction and anger. A simple way to look at the difference is that you can have dissatisfaction without anger, but you will not see customer rage without dissatisfaction in most cases. We’ll consider what service workers can do to stop feeling personally attacked when customers’ anger comes at them. We’ll also look at how service providers’ nonverbal signals can help customers move from an antagonistic to a more reasonable position.

Anger is at the top of the most potent emotions humans experience. It affects both the person who gets angry and the people who have to endure it. Angry customers tend to be nasty and loud when they complain. After all, how do they show the intensity of their anger without volume? People get angry to show something is important to them. They believe without a display of anger they will be passed on without being taken care of. Angry customers may consider acting violently, but most don’t. Many will exaggerate their complaints and make “I’m never coming back” types of threatening comments.

Angry customers think they know who to blame for their situation, and usually, it is the person standing in front of them or helping them on the telephone. The displayed anger frequently gets in the way of the CSR being able to help them. One interesting behavior of dissatisfied customers who do not become angry is they tend to switch companies in higher percentages. Those both dissatisfied and angry are more likely to stay with the business as long as their anger is not about how the CSR behaved toward them. Remarkably, a great deal of research supports this conclusion despite it not making much sense. Service providers have a lot of control if they stop doing what caused the anger and instead focus on solving the customer’s dissatisfaction.⁴

To begin, let’s review some statistical data. Multiple studies have been conducted across a range of occupations, including health care, public service, security, bars and restaurants, transportation, banks, hotels, retail, call centers, fast-food locations, and, of course, the airline industry. The Federal Aviation Administration reported almost five thousand unruly passenger incidents in the first ten months of 2021. In July 2021, 85 percent of flight attendants said they had dealt with unruly passengers, many of whom were inebriated even before they boarded the aircraft. Both male and female flight attendants are subject to hostile, sexist, racist, and homophobic language; 17 percent have been victims of physical attacks.⁵

Most surveyed airline employees said they receive no or little training in dealing with this type of abuse. When asked about their reactions to violence on the job, they emphasized five themes. These reactions, incidentally, can also be found in many industries.

The Emotional Giant—Anger

Anger, as a topic, has been around for a long time. Even ancient philosophers, such as Seneca, wrote about anger. The Roman Stoic philosopher told his readers to find inner peace by simplifying their lives and avoiding anger-provoking people. This is not easy in today’s busy call-center environments! I’ll go out on a limb and say the service you offer is only as good as your complaint handling and the approach your company takes toward frustrated and angry customers. That’s not much of a limb because many other complaint handling experts support this idea. For example, authors Bernd Stauss and Wolfgang Seidel offered this insight twenty years ago: “From the customer’s perspective, the actual problem solution is not judged independently from the way the [organization] treats the customer in case of a complaint.⁷

Anger has such a strong emotional energy that it can leave anyone close to it breathless. Nonetheless, a CSR’s job is to help customers reframe or channel this energy so they walk away feeling good about what just happened. It’s a big ask, but when learned, the entire experience of working in complaint handling becomes much easier.

Even when anger is internally generated (such as getting up late, forgetting to bring a receipt for a product exchange, or being annoyed with a family member), almost all anger is caused by something external. After reviewing a number of psychological papers and books, I have reduced the causes of anger down to these three situations:

Character traits can influence how customers talk to a CSR or how easily they allow their irritation to show. Some customers might be naturally irritable, antagonistic, peevish, or without anger control. Look at a thesaurus and you will also find a lot more synonyms for anger than there are antonyms. However anger is expressed, customers whose character traits incline them in this direction will more readily display irritation and anger.

Anger is commonly used to manipulate others in customer-service interactions. Customer Care Alliance, a Virginia-based organization, found 8 percent of frustrated consumers admit to cursing at service representatives while 28 percent say they have yelled. They admit to interrupting and making unreasonable demands.⁸ Once customers get results from this type of behavior, it’s hard for them not to repeat it because it worked in the past. Unfortunately, giving in to customer-displayed anger teaches them to get angry with us. Therefore, it’s not beneficial for service providers to fuel customer anger in any way.

Five Stages of Anger

Ballistic, out-of-control anger has stages similar to the famous stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.⁹ This pattern seems to work similarly for anger but with a couple of variations. It appears that the level of anger is expressed like an upside-down U-shaped curve. The second stage of anger is blaming, and generally this is the most difficult stage for a CSR to face.

In the first phase of major outrage, denial, you’ll hear customers say, “There’s no way this could be true” or “There must be some mistake.” People say the same thing when they face sudden grief: “No, it can’t be true. Tell me you’re kidding.” Be alert when you hear these types of statements from customers. They are likely only the opening volley. Customers are still attempting to control their anger, and you are glimpsing the tip of a potential major volcanic eruption.

You have a chance to avoid a big eruption if you can answer questions, look competent, be at least minimally friendly and helpful, and provide as much information as possible. It’s a good idea to support customers’ initial emotional reactions: “Thank you for speaking up. You’re right. There must be some sort of mistake. Let’s check it out.” Get them involved with you to figure out what happened. If you are looking at information on a computer screen, which is most likely the case, tell your customers what you are doing or seeing. Don’t exclude them from the process. Keep them involved. It helps defuse their anger before it explodes.

In the second stage of anger, the blaming phase, you run into what is generally the most challenging part for CSRs. Customers will go on the attack: “I’m not surprised. This happens all the time. Your people are so incompetent.” Even though they may not say it, they include you in this group of low-performing idiots. It’s hard not to take these attacks personally. Even though their gift to you is poorly wrapped, keep looking at the gift you are being given. If you open it, I assure you, a gift is in there somewhere.

When we are being blamed, it’s not easy to remain friendly, and all of us who help customers want to be appreciated for our efforts. Blame generally inspires a desire to go on the counterattack. If we appreciate that these blaming statements are part of the anger of dissatisfied customers who are still communicating with us, we may not get quite so defensive. When customers are operating out of this blaming phase of anger, we need to actively listen instead of saying anything. Nod your head as if in agreement, and keep reminding yourself that if you can turn these angry customers around, you are more likely to keep them long term.

When customers erupt with anger, the third stage, they also become incredibly loud. If they think you won’t listen to them, they can get even louder. The volume is a nonverbal way to let you know they want you to listen. It’s important to them. If your customers look as if they might have the capacity to continue shouting for an extended period, you could try saying the following statement: “I don’t care how angry you get with me (the first negative), it’s not going to stop me (the second negative) from doing everything I can to help you (the positive).” I’ve heard this statement used to great effectiveness primarily because it starts with two negative statements and finishes with a positive. It’s like good theater in that it grabs attention. Listeners have to figure out what you just said and anticipate what you’re going to say next. Like any good communication chain, this statement requires a little practice until you can say it smoothly and with confidence. Be sure to put small pauses in between each phrase so customers can hear and think about what you are saying.

In the fourth stage of anger, the bargaining phase, customers begin to seek a way to solve their problems because they can see anger isn’t going to get them much. Their anger is starting to subside, and they are primarily using the rational side of their brains. They’ll say things such as “Well, what are you going to do?” or “Is this the best you can do for me?” This is your opportunity to partner with them and become more active in the conversation. But you need to stay focused on possible solutions rather than problems.

Don’t be put off by their language. Remember that they are bargaining with you to solve their problem, and they are probably still angry. In the blaming phase, customers remain glued to their problems. In the bargaining phase, you have the chance to move the conversation to the issue of how to meet their needs. Customers will begin to accept the situation if they hear a promise to resolve their issue. That’s where the fifth stage takes you: customer acceptance of what is being offered.

Understanding anger’s five stages helps explain why sometimes our methods to control angry people do not work. It’s tempting to jump over the second stage and go from the first to the third stage. But angry people must go through all four stages to end up at acceptance—just as, according to Kübler-Ross, people in the midst of grief need to do. People are not rational when they are in the denial and blaming stages. They’re beginning to become reasonable in the bargaining phase and finally have a chance to integrate what is happening in the acceptance phase, the fifth stage. The lesson here means you shouldn’t try to fix your customers’ problems too quickly.

A few years ago, a woman who worked in my office ran into a problem with a shipping delivery. It upset her, but she finally got the situation worked out—not perfectly, but the package made it to our client, though it was a couple of days late. My employee, however, was not happy. She kept saying, “She never once apologized. She didn’t listen to the ‘inconvenience’ this caused. I don’t want to use them as a shipper again.”

Give your customers a chance to express the emotions they feel. It’s impossible to stop an erupting volcano. You can observe it and listen to it. As the CSR, you want to be in a position of emotional calmness to help your customers as their anger lessens. Telling them not to be angry doesn’t work.

Methods for How to Handle Anger

How do you start from a place of calm? Techniques can come in handy. One method is to acknowledge that the customer is upset but not necessarily focus on their words if they are trying to bait you. The question “When did you start treating your customers like dogs?” is designed to pull you into an argument. You could respond to them by saying, “I’m very sorry that we’ve offended you. We shouldn’t have done that.” If customers say, “If you cared even a tiny bit about your customers, you wouldn’t have such stupid policies,” they are baiting you to say, “But we do care about our customers.” Defending yourself will only give your customer more ammunition to continue doing battle: “Then why . . . ?” and the battle will rage onward.

A better way to respond is to ask a question about their attack. You could say with curiosity, “I’m very sorry. What happened that makes you think we don’t care about you?” This question will surprise them. They expect a defense, not a question. If you do not defend yourself, it is more difficult for customers to continue their assault. It’s also critical to accept the angry person for who they are and what they are expressing at the moment. People tend to get stuck when they sense you don’t accept where they are. They want you to hear them. Your acknowledgment can help them change and soften their tone. Once they start to become more rational, you can help move your customers to a more positive emotion. With anger, this means if you do not acknowledge their anger or somehow respond to it, they will probably just get angrier.

Questions are a solid technique to use when you want to help your customers shift to a position of rationality. Generally, three open-ended questions posed one after another will help angry people become more rational. If a police officer pulls you over because you were speeding, the officer will likely start with a series of questions. The first usually is, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Your answer tells the officer what their next step should be. If you say, “Yeah! Because you don’t have anything better to do with the taxpayer’s money,” then the police officer knows you are potentially hostile and acts accordingly. If you ask innocently, “Why? Was I speeding?” the police officer moves to the second question, “May I see your driver’s license, please?” and the third one, “May I see your car registration and proof of insurance?”

Police officers don’t just randomly know to start asking speeding or reckless drivers questions. Police officers learn to do this to determine whether the driver is rational. They are under a lot of stress themselves and may find it difficult to control their own anger. They want to avoid having two emotional people confronting each other since most people who have just been pulled over to the side of the road by a police officer start out upset!

To become an expert at asking three questions of potentially angry people, you need to test your questions. Develop alternative second and third questions and possibly more if your initial questions do not yield a rational response. You also need to know your questions do not increase frustration, and the best way to find out is to get feedback in practice situations. Ask questions that make sense and demonstrate something positive is going to happen. Remember, you are trying to take the energy in the anger and convert it to a positive response.

For example, if a customer calls because the water heater in their new home suddenly stopped working and they were forced to take a cold shower that morning, they may start yelling at you, “How can this happen? We just moved in last week. I can’t believe this is happening.” Here’s what a complaint response could look like, perhaps not all said at the same time but as part of your early remarks: “Thank you! I’m so glad you contacted us right away. Ouch. I’m so sorry about this. I hate cold showers. I’m going to help you with this. Can you tell me if there was any clue the water was getting colder earlier than this morning? Do you know if any other water faucets are doing the same thing? Has the water heater made any funny noises?” You might have better, more relevant questions, but you get the idea.

If you absolutely must set limits, do it in a way that customers don’t lose face, allowing them to retain their dignity or position status— especially in public. Sometimes it helps to remove customers from crowded areas so their expressed emotionality does not cause them shame. Customers can then state their anger privately, and it also avoids making you both look out of control.

Never treat adults like children. Yet we probably have observed service providers order customers around by saying, “I can’t help you unless you all sit down/form a single line/stop crowding around this desk.” You’ll have ballistic customers if you publicly patronize complaining adults. Remember your audience—the rest of your customers who may be watching this scene. They are probably calculating how they should give you their “gifts.”

There is one final approach to consider if you have customers you know to be constantly angry and never satisfied. Such customers can be time-consuming, especially in relation to their revenues to the organization. They can also upset customer-facing staff and other customers. The final approach is to consider “firing” the customer. Oren Harari, the best-selling author of The Leadership Secrets of Colin Powell, says don’t be stupid. Don’t tolerate abusive, destructive, or violent customers.¹⁰

Whenever you decide customers may not be the right fit for your business or you for them, firing them needs to be done carefully. You don’t want to create someone who will go out and seek revenge, which some of them do. Tell them with great courtesy, based on your history with them, your service seems to make them angry regularly, and for that reason, you never seem to be able to satisfy them. You can suggest other providers that might be able to meet their needs better. In this way, you are positioning your release of them in their interests—you want the best for them and, while you are sorry about that, it’s not with you.