5

FEELING: THE BRIDGE TO COMPASSIONATE ACTION

IN HER EXPLORATION OF how we live out the concept of empathy, writer Leslie Jamison makes the point that empathy is both a feeling and a choice: “Empathy isn’t just something that happens to us—a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain—it’s also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves. It’s made of exertion, that dowdier cousin of impulse.”¹ Contemporary scientific research echoes Jamison’s observations, with neuroscience and laboratory studies validating the fact that empathy is both a largely automatic feeling and an effort that is under the control of our choices.² This research shows that while empathy can happen instantly, it doesn’t always. People can take on other people’s postures, facial expressions, and feelings after just a fraction of a second of being together, and this automatic social connection is undergirded by mirrored or synchronous patterns of brain activity.³ But sometimes we close our hearts and minds instead.

We have the capacity to “turn on” and “turn off” feelings of concern for other people. Research shows that this capacity is strongly influenced by perceptions of empathy’s social benefits and costs, such as how much time or effort we think it will take to empathize with someone or how emotionally taxing it seems, given what’s going on in the situation.⁴ Researcher Jamil Zaki suggests that the fact that we can choose empathy is hopeful because it shows that we can grow our empathy in two ways, each of which is important for awakening compassion at work.⁵ First, we can build individual skills that help us to understand our own and other people’s emotional lives and connect in deeper ways. We will talk about some of those skills in this chapter. Second, we can create organizations that make empathy more desirable and rewarding, which science shows is a reliable way to increase people’s feelings of concern. We will explore that more in the third section of the book, when we talk about how to design systems that amplify compassion.

A GLANCE AT THE SCIENCE OF EMPATHY

By looking at empathy more closely, scientists now emphasize that this word encompasses multiple human processes of relating, including knowing another person’s feelings and thoughts, feeling what another person feels, imagining oneself in another person’s circumstances, feeling concern for another person’s suffering, and more.⁶ The science of empathy is complex and changing rapidly, so we will just take a glance at this fascinating field and what it tells us about awakening compassion at work.

Unlike theories of the past that suggested a drive for self-interest was primary or exclusive in human nature, the new science of compassion and neuroscientific investigations of empathy are leading us to understand that the capacity for empathy and human connection is innately core to human nature.⁷ New studies show that we can pick up on suffering and respond with concern based on even the slightest facial expressions or voice cues. Brain imaging allows us to see in new ways that when we are confronted with the pain of social exclusion, it shows up in our brains, and our bodies respond to it as physical pain.⁸ And when we see someone else in pain, we sometimes actually experience it as physical pain ourselves.⁹

In relation to compassion at work, we focus on two ways in which we come to feel empathy. The first is cognitive, referring to our ability to stand in someone else’s shoes—in research this is called perspective taking. The second is emotional, referring to our ability to feel concern for what others are going through—called empathic concern. Throughout the book, we will refer to empathy as the feeling part of the compassion process, and we will highlight how feeling concern for others motivates compassionate action. This does not negate the fact that to feel empathy is also a cognitive choice—in fact, we hope that our work reveals both new ways to increase feelings of empathy and new reasons to choose it.

Empathy can be difficult to access at work. Our willingness and capacity to feel concern for other people or take their perspective is easily blocked by task focus, time pressure, and the high cost of making errors.¹⁰ When work conditions make empathy seem costly—for instance, if expressing concern for someone who made a mistake might make us seem equally to blame—we might shut down our feelings.¹¹ We may actually feel indifference or even aversion when we encounter suffering at work if the situation is costly. So while our brains are wired with the capacity to feel empathy instantly and automatically in the presence of others, our work may put obstacles in our path.¹² When that happens, we have to choose to extend ourselves, to take others’ perspectives, and to invite the feelings that widen our circles of concern.

SKILLS THAT FOSTER EMPATHIC CONCERN

Our glance at the science shows that we can increase empathy by building skills that make us more capable of connecting with others. These skills help us choose empathy when we need it. Let’s look at this somewhat abstract point from research as it might appear in a workplace. We found an instance that shows both how feelings of empathy can be blocked by factors in the work context and how skill can restore empathic concern and motivate compassionate action.

Juana wanted someday to become a paralegal in a law firm. As a copy clerk, she would pick up documents from the desks of the paralegals and receive her instructions on how many times to duplicate them, thinking about what it would be like to work at such a big desk. She just had a locker in the basement. When a partner in the firm marked up a paper and put a sticky note on top asking for a book, Juana would gladly visit the library. She would look at the books with interest and deliver the parcel to the large offices on the upper floors of the building, imagining how it would feel to know everything in those books. But most days didn’t offer much reality where Juana’s dream of further study or advancement could take root. She ran errands, copied and stamped, mailed and printed and labeled. Often, while she worked, the steady rhythm of pages feeding into the machines felt like background music to her worry about whether her ex-husband was going pay his child support, how she could afford more training, or how she was going to feed the kids. When the drumbeat of worry grew loud, Juana caught herself making mistakes.

Juana’s mistakes irritated Rosita, a paralegal who depended on Juana for help. Rosita knew that Juana was usually reliable, but she grew impatient when she asked for five copies and only four arrived, or when she had to ask Juana to correct the filing dates stamped in big red letters on the legal documents. The staff manager on their floor, Veronica, happened to walk by Rosita’s desk and heard her say harshly to Juana, “You only made four copies of this SEC filing, but I asked you for five. How many times do I have to ask you before you get it right?”

Veronica was worried that work pressures were stamping out Rosita’s capacity to feel empathy for Juana. Veronica knew that Rosita was a stickler for perfection, but she was also usually supportive of other women in the office and was one of the most talented paralegals in the fast-track program that Veronica had created for assistants who wanted to move up in the organization. Veronica also knew that Juana was great at her job. She hoped that Juana, too, would benefit from the fast-track program over time, but Juana would need Rosita’s recommendation to get into the program. Feeling concerned for both Juana and Rosita, Veronica decided to intervene in this dynamic.

Organizational scholar John Shotter describes how people like Veronica draw upon feelings of empathic concern to act in the face of the unknown regularly at work, doing what he calls “feeling our way forward.”¹³ As we’ll see below, that’s what Veronica did. She invited Rosita and Juana to make an empathic choice to work together differently. Their story, which comes from our research, illustrates four skills that support feeling our way forward together.

PERCEPTIVE ENGAGEMENT

The first set of skills that support feeling our way forward together hinges on making the distinction between the cognitive and emotional dimensions of empathy. Cognitive aspects of empathy help us see another’s point of view or imagine ourselves in someone else’s situation, which also helps us feel concern for the person. Compassion teacher Karla McLaren calls the skill set of exercising cognitive empathy perceptive engagement, by which she means not only taking the other’s perspective, but also using this perspective to discern what will be helpful for someone who may be very different from us.¹⁴

Perceptive engagement helped Veronica to address the conflict between Rosita and Juana. She began by asking Rosita to stop by her office for a minute. Once Rosita sat down, Veronica dug in to unpack both Rosita’s and Juana’s perspectives. “I wanted to ask you about Juana’s work. I overhead you correcting an error today, and I’ve noticed that her work seems a bit off this week. I know this is frustrating. But I also know that you value supporting your coworkers. You and Juana usually work together well. I wonder, do you know whether something else is behind this pattern?” Notice the quality of Veronica’s inquiry work, gently drawing attention to the possibility of suffering and inviting a more generous interpretation. Veronica continued, “Of course, we can’t afford a continual stream of mistakes. But I don’t think everything’s quite right. So I wanted your perspective.” Veronica’s skill in taking Rosita’s perspective opened space for an authentic conversation. It also invited Rosita to take Juana’s perspective into account. By deepening their collective perceptive engagement, Veronica made it more likely that they could find a solution to support high-quality work simultaneously with compassion both for Rosita’s frustration and for Juana’s life circumstances.

ATTUNEMENT

Another skill that is essential for opening up space to feel more empathic concern is often referred to as attunement. In research terms, attunement involves being aware of another person while simultaneously directing attention toward our own bodily somatic senses and discerning how we are interconnected with each other. In the words of compassion teacher Joan Halifax: “You open a space in which the encounter can unfold, in which you are present for whatever may arise, in yourself and in [another].”¹⁵ Deeply skilled attunement is often a part of the training involved for performing therapeutic or healing work. In some workplaces, such as hospice, nursing, and social service, attunement is a valued clinical skill.¹⁶ In other workplaces, it is more of an invisible but crucial aspect of working together well. Attunement is equally valuable on a hospital ward, a manufacturing floor, and a meeting room. Managers with a capacity for attunement perform better in the eyes of their subordinates, and colleagues who practice attunement work together more seamlessly and engage in higher quality collaboration.

Veronica’s questions heightened Rosita’s capacity for attunement. After her conversation with Veronica, Rosita stopped by the copy room to see Juana. Rosita didn’t know it, but Juana’s worries about her life outside of work were nearly overwhelming her. There was just enough gas in her car to get home that night, but not enough to get all the way back tomorrow. There was no formula in the refrigerator for the baby. The kids would be hungry for dinner and attention. Her former husband hadn’t stopped by with the check he had promised. Feeling hot tears rising, Juana held them back. She didn’t want anyone at work to see her cry.

When Rosita tapped her on the shoulder, Juana was so anxious that she literally jumped. Rosita began to apologize for losing her temper, which took Juana by surprise. The tears that had been on the edge of her eyelids all afternoon rose into her eyes again. “It’s OK. You were right. I made a mistake.” Juana turned a little, as if to go.

But Rosita was attuned to Juana’s suffering now. She asked Juana to wait. Reiterating that the mistake wasn’t Juana’s usual work pattern, she asked a gentle question that would open up space for the possibility of a more generous interpretation of Juana’s errors at work as well as more empathy: “Wait. This isn’t like you, and I’m sorry I snapped before. Why don’t you tell me, is something else going on?”

EMPATHIC LISTENING

A third skill that is essential in the workplace and fundamental for awakening compassion is what scholars call empathic listening. Empathic listening requires us to be tuned in enough to deeply hear another person’s perspective and to listen for the emotion behind the words. Empathic listening can be difficult when we think that it will be hard to hear someone’s suffering. It is also difficult to listen this way when we feel there is nothing we can “do” to fix the situation, because we will tend to shut down our empathy in the face of these costs. But research shows that we can choose to tap into our feelings of concern rather than close them down. When we do so, cultivating presence and validating the other person’s experience, our empathy makes a difference even if we cannot change the circumstances.¹⁷

For Rosita, as she became attuned to Juana’s worry, she also deepened her listening and was able to approach Juana’s story with a feeling of concern. Her frustration with Juana melted into the background as she listened to the description of her worries about affording gas and groceries and the difficulty of relying on her ex-husband for financial support for her children. Rosita remained attentive, watching Juana closely but kindly, hearing the anxiety and fear behind the words. Rosita did not interrupt or try to make suggestions. She simply sat with Juana and listened. Once Juana had finished her story, Rosita expressed her concern for Juana and acknowledged the stress of this kind of worry. She acknowledged the challenges Juana was facing and how difficult they felt, and she relayed a story from her own life that put Juana at ease. This helped restore their working relationship and boosted their willingness to cooperate and get things done quickly and efficiently.

MINDFUL ATTENTION

A fourth skill that helps us to develop more empathic concern for each other at work involves what scholars refer to as mindfulness—defined as an embodied awareness of what is happening in ourselves, in others, and in our environment on a moment-to-moment basis.¹⁸ This skillful way of being present counterbalances the pressures and distractions of work environments that can get in the way of our feelings of concern. Techniques for developing mindfulness range from focusing our thoughts as we take a deep breath to repeating a word or phrase or visualizing our bodies in some form of systemic relaxation. Scientists studying people who engage in such practices have documented their beneficial effects, such as better sleep, improvements in health, a reduction in stress, the cultivation of a calm demeanor, better regulation of emotion, and a heightened capacity to remain present with others.¹⁹

At work, mindfulness helps us to be better prepared to remain calm and present when we encounter suffering. For instance, Veronica was able to be mindful in the midst of Rosita’s anger and engage in a conversation that deepened Rosita’s empathy. Rosita was also able to remain mindful of what was happening for both herself and for Juana as she listened to Juana’s story. Her mindful attention and her ability to remain calm fueled her feelings of concern. Later that day, as Rosita reflected on her conversation with Juana, her mind flashed to the pride of her own mother, who’d worked two jobs to feed her children and support their education. When she had chastised Juana for making a mistake, Rosita had no idea that she was adding a straw to an almost-broken back. Mindfulness helped Rosita to shift her perspective of Juana from someone who was making a lot of mistakes and needed criticizing to someone with dignity who needed support to get through a really tough situation.

As she reflected, Rosita felt moved to do something else. Leaving work a little early, she walked to the little market across the street. She purchased a bag of groceries, grabbing milk, bread, cereal, and fruit. It was enough for breakfast, at least. She took the bag back to the office building and placed it squarely in front of Juana’s locker, so that she would find it before she left. Rosita also tucked a plain white envelope into Juana’s locker door, safe but in sight, containing enough money to buy some gas for the next day.

When she got to her locker, Juana found the food bag and envelope. Slipping her finger under the flap, she glimpsed the edge of a $20 bill. There was no note. Juana turned the envelope over in her hands as if it were a miracle. She knew it must have been Rosita who had left this for her. Rosita’s understanding and expression of genuine concern made this seem like a gift rather than demeaning pity, which Juana didn’t want. Juana vowed to work even harder to demonstrate that she deserved Rosita’s compassion. Veronica’s skilled perceptive engagement had paved the way for Rosita’s empathy to blossom into compassionate action at work—compassionate action that heightened work engagement and commitment in invisible but powerful ways.

While the details of their story are unique, Veronica, Rosita, and Juana could be any of us. When we dedicate ourselves to practicing these four skill sets, we too pave the way for workplaces that are filled with empathy and compassion.

KEY POINTS: SKILLS THAT SUPPORT EMPATHY AT WORK

∞ Build skill in perceptive engagement, the capacity to take another person’s perspective and discern what would be helpful.

∞ Cultivate capacity for attunement, which involves being aware of another person while simultaneously staying in touch with our own somatic senses and experiences. It heightens our sense of interconnection.

∞ Develop empathic listening, the capacity to tune in to feelings of concern as we hear another person’s perspectives and experiences. It allows us to be present without needing to fix, solve, or intervene.

∞ Foster mindfulness, an awareness of changing conditions in ourselves and others on a moment-to-moment basis. It helps us to remain calm and steady in the face of suffering—our own as well as that of others.

∞ Empathy at work helps us to “feel our way forward” together and motivates compassion.

IDENTIFICATION AND EMPATHY AT WORK

In his book The Age of Empathy, primatologist Frans de Waal writes, “Empathy’s chief portal is identification. We’re ready to share the feelings of someone we identify with, which is why we do so easily with those who belong to our inner circle.”²⁰ Identification with others at work is an important way that we can broaden our circle of concern and awaken compassion. This identification can come about through a sense that we have had similar experiences, even if we are different from one another in many other ways. We can identify with colleagues by sensing that we are at similar career stages, we are learning similar skills, we are engaged in similar kinds of work, or we have similar interests. Through these forms of identification, workplaces can spark empathic concern and compassion among people who might otherwise never open up to one another.

We can see the power of subtle forms of identification in laboratory research on empathy. Social psychologists Piercarlo Valdesolo and David DeSteno invented a creative experimental way to show that if we feel similar to one another, even in subconscious ways, we are more likely to act with compassion.²¹ They paired partners who sat opposite one another at a table, each looking at a computer monitor. The participants had to tap on a sensor as they listened to tunes playing in their headphones. As part of the study, in some pairs one partner tapped out of time with the other partner while in other pairs the partners tapped on the same beat. After the computer task, partners filled out a questionnaire. The results showed that those who had tapped in synchrony felt more similar to each other and were more willing to help each other on a later task.

These kinds of effects extend beyond the laboratory as well. In our research we met Ken, an accomplished entrepreneur who had built several successful ventures. Ken had joined an investing group after the success of his last start-up, partly to see a range of new ideas and partly to encourage younger entrepreneurs. It was in this context that he met Daniel, who was also an accomplished entrepreneur and an experienced investor who coached new entrepreneurs. Though they didn’t know each other well, Ken and Daniel shared some interesting conversations at these angel investing group meetings. Ken was impressed with Daniel’s knowledge. Daniel came across as a bit gruff and mostly kept to himself, but this wasn’t unusual for an investor of his stature.

“Then one day Daniel showed up at my house distraught and at loose ends,” Ken recalled. “He was sobbing and incoherent, so I stayed with him.” Ken, untrained in psychology and unsure of what to do, drew upon a deep sense of empathic concern for Daniel to feel his way forward and get help. “Eventually I took him to hospital for a kind of urgent clinical care.” Ken did not know why Daniel turned to him, but perhaps the identification that was born from their shared backgrounds and work experiences acted in the same way that the laboratory tapping task had for strangers—bringing them together in an invisible web of similarity that fostered empathy. Daniel’s bouts with depression and seeking out Ken’s help became an enduring pattern. As Ken described it, “For three years or so he was not so good. . . . But for some reason he glommed onto me. And every once in a while, every month or so, I’d get a call and I would have to go wherever he was and be with him.”

We don’t know why Daniel sensed that he could turn to Ken in a deep time of need. Something in their work identification created trust that Ken would come to his aid. Ken helped Daniel get the professional mental health care he needed. Ken and Daniel’s story is a powerful illustration of how identification in work fuels empathy and compassion that may extend far beyond work as well. Summoned arbitrarily by a colleague in distress, some of us might not put our life on hold and go to be with the person on a regular basis. In this work relationship, however, a seed of similarity ripened into a blossom of empathic concern that helped Ken and Daniel find their way forward together with compassion.

CULTIVATING IDENTIFICATION THROUGH PRESENCE

Cultivating identification with others at work in ways that will fuel empathy and compassion requires being available, both physically and psychologically. Availability becomes real in organizations through simple gestures such as keeping one’s door open, arriving early for a meeting, holding online office hours for distributed teams, or lingering in a kitchen or a break room to be around others. Any of these small acts to make ourselves accessible opens the space for connection and mutual engagement that is a powerful form of care.²² Another participant in our research, Ralph, a professor and former dean, gave us a powerful example of the impact of this form of availability: “My wife and I lost three close relatives in one year—my mother and father, and her brother, who died of a heart attack at thirty-seven years of age. A lot of people came to our door and chatted about relatives that had died, and so on, but one couple came to our door and wept. And I said, ‘Well, come on in.’ So, they came in. They didn’t say anything. . . . And it’s interesting, because at the end of the day, my wife and I would go over the day’s grieving. And the couple that really served us and cared for us and showed compassion was the couple that had said nothing, but had listened and hugged and wept with us.”²³

Leaders who convey psychological presence with others in the organization are often described as great leaders who can command loyalty and commitment. And in the hyperconnected technological world of work, physical and psychological presence becomes a deeply meaningful gesture. Turning off the cell phone to be with someone is a move toward identification and empathy. Opening the door to another person’s experience and shutting off the email is another. When we need to bear witness to someone else’s suffering, as Ken did with Daniel, presence helps us to identify and tune in to feeling empathic concern. So, to identify at work is often to sit down, close the door to distractions, turn off the ringer, and open the door to our hearts.

Scholar Edward Hallowell writes about this kind of presence as “the human moment at work.” He insists that creating these human moments requires us to defy the daily grind: “You have to set aside what you are doing, put down the memo you were reading, disengage from your laptop, abandon your daydream, and focus on the person you are with.”²⁴ These forms of presence are important in fueling identification. The science of compassion shows us that if we are physically present but psychologically absent, we telegraph our lack of interest and disengagement through posture, body language, lack of eye contact, and a failure to ask questions. All of these signals close the door to identification with one another and to feeling empathic concern that motivates compassionate action.

KEY POINTS: IDENTIFICATION FOSTERS EMPATHY

∞ When we identify with others, we are more likely to feel empathy for them and more willing to take compassionate action on their behalf.

∞ Feeling similar to someone, even in subtle ways, contributes to identification.

∞ Physical and psychological presence, conveyed through eye contact, verbal tone, posture, and facial expressions, heighten identification.

∞ Human moments at work, when we set aside distractions and focus on people who are in pain, heighten our ability to identify with one another and awaken compassion.

AN INVITATION TO REFLECT ON EMPATHY AS A BRIDGE TO ACTION

Hidden under organizational charts and strategic plans, empathic concern is a feeling that connects us at work. Research shows us that this feeling is a powerful motivator for compassionate action. Sensitive to costs, empathy can be fragile, but we can choose to extend ourselves to another regardless. While organizations can dampen empathic concern in many ways, they can also heighten it by helping us identify with others who are similar in some way. When we feel more similar to others through workplace connections, empathy grows. We can learn and practice skills of perceptive engagement, attunement, mindfulness, and empathic listening to grow empathy even further. As a bridge to compassionate action, this powerful feeling instantaneously invites us to feel our way forward together.

∞

When has a connection with someone at work suddenly flowered with empathy and concern in ways that moved you toward compassion? Recognizing this as the bridge to action, what does this moment reveal about awakening compassion in your work?