There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend.

Socrates

How can you find a tribe of like-minded people who have your back? Finding your tribe enables you to create something much bigger than you would individually. In his brilliant book Tribes, marketing guru Seth Godin says that ‘leaders lead when they take positions, when they connect with their tribes, and when they help the tribe connect to itself’. Connect people in your social network who have common interests; give them access to the information and resources that they need; and let them know that you’re available if they need help. We all know someone who is brilliant at doing this!

When you run a business the path can be a lonely one, unless you choose otherwise. It’s a path where you’re guaranteed to be challenged every single day; it’s a path where not many lines are straight and change is the only certainty. I am a free spirit at heart and in many ways would be happy being a hippie. People give me energy and I need to work and collaborate with people. So for me it is important to build close and lasting relationships. That’s how I best play to my strengths. Of course, I have learned to make the hard calls and do it quickly when things aren’t working or get tough, but I also knew that the stereotypical female role models of the 1980s and 1990s in their power suits, with super-bitch personalities, were never going to be me. If I was going to lead a business I had to create my own style and my own way. That meant building close relationships and a culture that is an extension of the family.

Having a tribe of supportive, open, honest and non-judgemental women around you makes life so much easier and in many ways you can do anything if you have this support. I think it’s a fallacy that women don’t want to support each other. In my experience it’s certainly not been the case. Maybe it’s a sign of the times that women can hold on to their femininity and be strong at the same time.

Women of the 1960s and 1970s fought so hard for equality and in so many ways we have come so far but in other ways we still have a long way to go. In the 1980s and 1990s women really did have to become like men if they wanted a successful career. They even had to look and act more like men: suits, haircuts and the way they spoke. We can now celebrate the fact that we no longer have to do this and can be ourselves. We can also be kind to other women, have them in our tribe and not work against them. At the same time when I am in a room full of men, I don’t want to be that woman who puts barriers up on them and changes the way they behave, unless their behavior is inappropriate. I just want equality and for people to have an equal contribution, regardless of sex. Real relationships and a strong tribe can only ever be built if you can be yourself, and connect on a real and deeper level. Putting your energy into defending, politicking and building a wall around yourself will never result in healthy relationships on a professional or personal level. There has to be trust, and there have to be shared values and beliefs. I believe we all have a strong instinct and desire to belong to our ‘tribe’ of like-mind people.

I was fortunate to hear Elizabeth Broderick, who was the Australian Sex Discrimination Commissioner for over eight years. Elizabeth believed it’s not the women who need to become more like men to survive in the business world; it’s the culture, systems and structures — or space, as I like to call it — that need to change to accommodate women. Unfortunately this is still not the case for many organisations, which still set up in very masculine ways. We know that a lot of successful women are still opting out of the workforce and the kids or elderly parents are often cited as the reason. The main reason is they simply are not valued. Many organisations are now working to quotas and targets to increase the number of women on boards or C-suites. This is not going to solve the issue. The issue is around establishing an inclusive culture and one of valuing individuals and diversity. In my experience many working mums will get the job done, and get the job done amazingly — but give them a job and a deadline and don’t except them to bundy on at 9 am and off at 5 pm. I am fortunate that I work in an inclusive culture and while I work just as hard as anyone (and the rest!) it’s in my DNA. I do it because I do it in my way. I don’t think I could do what I do if I had to conform to traditional big-corporate structures and norms. The future of work needs to be more projects-based, and more outcomes-based. It’s come a long way in the past 10 years but it has a long way to go. I remember starting my career in advertising. We worked hard, the hours were long and you wouldn’t even consider working from anywhere but the office. People still smoked at their desks; there was a ‘trolley lady’ who brought around food and a café so you didn’t have to leave the office for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Don’t get me wrong: I loved it as we worked hard and played hard, but the idea of working from somewhere else just didn’t exist even in the mid 1990s. Thankfully, many workplace spaces are evolving to allow for more like-minded women to belong — to give their all to work and to be mums too. We no longer have to pretend we belong to a workplace, culture or tribe that doesn’t enable us to be who we need to be. Over the years I have met many incredible women who I would consider to be part of this ‘tribe’ of working mums who can talk about their business strategy and challenges, and also their kids’ day, all in the same conversation and in the same work space. This wouldn’t ever have happened, as Elizabeth Broderick so rightly pointed out, if women had adapted to be more like men and the work space of the past.

Choosing your tribe

Sadly, still to this day there are not many female CEOs, or female CEOs who are mums too. Luckily for me, I knew one of the first things I needed to find when I took this path was a few people I could trust and reach out to when the shit hit the fan — people who were part of my ‘tribe’ and really understood. In Oprah Winfrey’s words, ‘surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher’. Luckily I have my dad, who I talk to nearly every day. Sometimes I know he doesn’t feel like listening as his passion is painting, but he still listens. Sometimes that’s all that needs to happen. But other times, I need others who aren’t family. I report to a board and while it’s not unconditional, they are there for support or to give me direction.

My first and only mentor is a wonderful woman (who a friend introduced me to). She is a mum and entrepreneur who truly knows what it’s like to walk a mile in my shoes. I spent three years with her, meeting once a week, and if it was up to me I probably still would be meeting her once a week. She basically fired me, telling me it was time to move on and find someone else. At the time I thought, ‘Are you serious? Isn’t it my role to decide when it’s time to move on?’ The good thing is we became good friends so I haven’t lost her in my life.

I’m also fortunate that I love what I do. Of course, there are hard days and things that I would rather not do, but because I am passionate about work, and it’s part of who I am, it’s become a lifestyle. I don’t turn on at 9 am and turn off at 5 pm. I am always working and it’s not a bad thing. I am always thinking about things — new ideas, how we can do things differently — and looking at the broader world for inspiration. I think people associate work with stress and it being a chore. It’s not like that for me — it’s a lifestyle. Life and work are one and the same for me. I have chosen that work is part of my life and I don’t turn it on and off.

The wonderful part about belonging to a big network like Ella Baché is that you get to meet and collaborate with some incredible people — and 70 per cent of those people are women. They’re inspiring, especially the younger therapists who are about to embark on owning and running a salon for the first time. But equally, the older women, who remain open to changes, technology and new innovations. Their cup is always half full! Their passion for their craft and openness to learn is awesome. There are thousands of people who put their heart and soul into the Ella Baché brand: therapists, salon owners, suppliers and many others. This means there is always someone to turn to if you have a question or need help — someone to share ideas and aspirations with during challenges and times of learning.

Ella Baché has created life friendships and many are like sisters. It has allowed people to connect with each other where they would not otherwise have made connections. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. You can’t force these networks and relationships; you can’t go in there wanting to get something back instantly. Relationships have to form naturally over time. Trust and respect can’t be forced. You have to work on it and sometimes there is an instant connection, while sometimes a connection only comes over a period of years.

So often we think it’s our skills we need to develop, or further education we need to embark on, but often it’s more important to surround yourself with the right people. How often do you find yourself spending 80 per cent of your time on poor performers or negative people? Over the years I have learned that I first always see the good and potential in everyone, but not everyone has the same wants, desires or values — and that’s okay, but it’s important to recognise that quickly and move on. Don’t try to rescue them. Don’t try and force the relationship to work. They may not want it. Surround yourself with people who can support you to achieve your goals or vision, or people who will be kind, honest and give you that support unconditionally and expand you by bringing different but equal strengths to the table. At the end of the day, choose your tribe wisely as the people who you surround yourself with will have an enormous impact on your happiness and success.

Over the years I have found these people both by chance and organically. But there have also been times when I have clearly identified a gap I had to fill and gone out there and found a mentor or role model or network that has given me the support I needed to achieve my goals. Either way the people I am closest to in my life have all been a big part of who and where I am in my life today.

Pay it forward

At Ella Baché we put a lot of focus on holding events that encourage deep relationships, networking and time spent together to build our tribe. A lot of time is put aside for yearly conferences, award nights and events, the purpose being to create relationships but also to learn. Show up: what you put in you will get out. Be positive, be genuine, ask questions and be friendly. You never know what someone is going through in their personal world. Everyone’s life is complex, and there are many times when I haven’t slept (thanks, kids!) but I wouldn’t ever tell anyone how tired I was or how I just wanted to be at home in bed instead of being there. I would always show up and remain positive.

My favourite annual event is the ‘Ella Awards’. It’s always a huge night with a few hundred people gathered to recognise those Ella Baché business owners and therapists who have achieved so much throughout the previous year. It’s a night full of passion, laughter, tears and lots of great, close relationships. So many are so passionate about Ella Baché and they put their heart and soul into what they do, and achieve great things. For me, it’s truly a privilege that my heritage and family has been able to create an environment for opportunity.

I have had the privilege of being part of so many girls’ journeys as they go from their early twenties as young passionate beauty therapists, and their ambitions and confidence grow to wanting to run their own business. They learn and grow as they open their own Ella Baché business and take on running a business in their own right: managing a team, clients, marketing, financials, training, leases and suppliers. To watch them go from young girls to businesswomen is awesome. They often go on to get married and have kids and I often feel like the mother hen. I certainly don’t claim to know it all, but being able to share the experience with incredible Ella Baché women (and men) is such a great part of the company.

The ‘old is gold’ tribe

I am fortunate to have found my tribe of girlfriends when I was 12. We went to high school together and still talk nearly every day. We are all very different, and among us there are singers, directors, photographers, mums, teachers, corporate high fliers and architects. But all that goes out the window when we come together because we care deeply for each other. There has never been any competition or bitchiness among us — and never any judgement. We laugh hard together and it never matters how much time has passed, it’s always ‘straight in’. We are all so different, but our values are the same and that’s the glue that holds us together. Half of the girls have moved out of Sydney to escape the intensity of life, but we come together at least once a year for a weekend away. No kids, no partners. It’s so good for the soul: we eat, laugh, drink, walk and talk. We always end up in sessions where we just talk and open up to each other like we would open up to no-one else. It’s Chatham House rules and we need this time and space to show vulnerabilities, imperfections and laugh at each other’s stories and experiences. It makes it real. Too often you think the world needs to see perfection, but that’s not where the depth sits.

Seek mutual support

The world is moving at such an incredible speed now, and solving problems needs to happen on the spot with innovative and creative thinking. I need to learn and collaborate with my team or tribe at work. But it also applies to my friends. How many nights do you find yourself sitting around solving the world’s problems together? The power of many minds is so much greater than just my own. I have always had a curious mind. I used to drive my mum nuts from a young age by always asking ‘why’. Mum would often answer ‘because I said so’. Of course that wasn’t the response I needed, so I kept pushing and pushing. This later transferred to my teachers and I wouldn’t always buy into the answer they provided either, putting me in hot water. I have taken this attribute and now use it to push my tribe at work. I know this drives some of them mad as I push against the status quo and just because we did it last year is never a reason why we should do it this year. Maybe I need to learn to let go and that some things are okay being left unturned. Past success used to be the best predictor of future success, but for the first time in history this is no longer the case. We live in a world with unprecedented futures. So how do you navigate this as a mum, a CEO? By surrounding myself with people who support me, and can problem solve with me to solve some of the issues that keep me awake at night. You can’t do it alone.

Business models have to change every five years if they are to stay relevant, so as a business leader, I therefore need to be the catalyst of this change and also change every five years. That’s a 20 per cent change needed each year to stay relevant as a leader. The only way to fuel this change is through new learnings and knowledge. You can’t stand still; if you stand still you are going backwards. I spend a lot of time committed to learning.

Money has never motivated me, creation and creativity have always motivated me, but at the same time I can’t do things for free, or not put a value on myself or my skills. This is so common to so many women I have met who have amazing skills and lifelong experiences with value to bring to different situations, but they undervalue themselves time and time again. Putting a value on your skills is one thing, but putting a value on your time is another thing. I spend a lot of time reading blogs and articles and listening to podcasts. The fantastic thing about social media and the digital platforms is that it’s delivered to you in personalised bite-size chunks, rather than trying to read that book that’s been sitting on the bedside table for six months. The trade-off, though, is it’s so personalised today that you’re often not exposed to different viewpoints. We usually belong to social communities with only people and content that is in line with yours, which can lead to uniformity, shallow thinking and less meaning. Social media rather than mass media is very targeted in nature and therefore you turn off anything that challenges or doesn’t appeal to you. This is why I challenge it. You should keep seeking out information that challenges you and is thought provoking — it may be books, movies or travel to different cultures — to keep an open mind and ensure things challenge your views and knowledge. The same need for diversity goes with the group of people or the tribe of people surrounding you. The greater the diversity, the deeper the thinking and the more chance of coming up with innovative ways of doing things.

I was exposed to personal development courses and information — from Tony Robbins to Robert Kiyosaki — from a young age growing up with a dad who encouraged this continuously. I remember attending a ‘money for you’ seminar when I was about 17. An SBS crew had filmed it and turned it into a documentary on cults. My mum just happened to watch this show and I was banned from going to any more of these courses ... as they say, horses for courses!

The world changes so quickly and in today’s society you have to keep learning and growing — it’s now considered one of the greatest indicators of success. I was fortunate to stumble across a great global organisation (Young Presidents’ Association) that provides lifelong learning for young CEOs. It was one of those meant-to-be coincidences that took place when I was talking to our graduates at an end-of-year ceremony. A man in the audience approached me at the end of the evening and invited me for a coffee to learn about this organisation. I never looked back. There are over 100 members in Sydney — sadly only eight women — and we are exposed to unique learning experiences and are part of a forum group that meets monthly to discuss business, personal or family issues, all of which holds you to account and provides support.

The dream team

My team have their own learning objectives within their annual goals, so we all keep growing and learning and can see the complex issues of the world on a broader level and from different perspectives. It’s not only about the knowledge you acquire: it’s equally important how you do something. And it’s not just what you do and how you do it, but also how you make someone feel. Learning that your impact on others may not always match your intention means you have to be aware and mindful. I love the saying by American poet Maya Angelou, ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel’.

I believe it’s human nature to want to belong: to be part of a team or a tribe, a close group of people who accept one another and support each other and have each other’s back. The term ‘tribe’ can sound prehistoric, but it’s the same as having a sense of community and family. No-one likes to feel like they don’t belong or are the outcast or black sheep in the group. They want to belong, to feel loved and supported. Belonging to a great group of people definitely gives you a greater sense of meaning, and encourages you to pursue your vision and a better life as a result.

So choose your tribe wisely. They have an enormous impact on who you become as a person, and you certainly wouldn’t want to choose to hang out with negative, nasty people and become one. It takes both recognising the amazing people who walk into your life naturally and going out and seeking people who can help support you to achieve your dreams.