Everyone likes a bit of a moan, especially in Britain. We don't like to complain, but we like to moan.

We moan as a way of letting off steam when we've had a confrontation at work, someone's been rude or we've got angry about bad service or being treated unfairly.

But moaning can also unite us. It's an ice-breaker, a way of creating a bond with someone you don't know. Say you get in a taxi; you can immediately start a conversation by moaning about the weather or the traffic.

“It's one way to create rapport”, said Joanna Wolfe, a professor of English at Carnegie Mellon University whose research focuses on communication styles. Complaining about a late bus with other passengers, for instance, “creates kind of a solidarity”, she said.

The trouble is if we moan too much it can be really bad for us.

The thing is, we see it more as a way of letting off steam than as negative energy. If someone told you about a person who was extremely negative, you probably wouldn't be that keen to meet that person. You'd think their negativity would just bring you down. But when we “have a bit of a moan”, we don't really see it as being particularly negative, more of just a need to chat about something that's been bugging you.

But unfortunately even just the smallest of moans is still a negative thought. It may feel like you're just getting something off your chest, but you're sending it straight to your brain. Because when we moan it creates the stress hormone, cortisol. And cortisol has a bad effect on the hippocampus, which is highly sensitive to negative stimuli.

The hippocampus is the area in our brain that deals with the formation of long-term memories and spatial navigation and also one of the few regions able to produce new neurons. Severe damage to the hippocampus leads to memory loss as in Alzheimer's and can also lead to the inability to form new memories.

Robert Sapolsky, a professor of neurology and neuroendocrinology at Stanford University's School of Medicine, has done extensive research on the effect of stress on the hippocampus and has found that moaning for more than 30 minutes leads to elevated cortisol levels that hamper synaptic connections and speed up cell death. Over time, repeated bouts of negativity will cause the hippocampus to shrink, resulting in “declines in cognitive function, including the ability to retain information and adapt to new situations”.

If that's not bad enough, you're not just affected by moaning, you're also affected by listening to someone moan.

Of course stopping moaning completely would be incredibly hard. Thierry Blancpain and Pieter Pelgrims started the Complaint Restraint project (complaintrestraint
.com), a project to help people create a more positive life by eliminating negative statements. They've blocked out February (because it's the shortest) as a month to try not to moan. But they freely admit they fail their mission miserably every year. Things we do habitually are really hard to break free from, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

We all need to have a bit of a moan at times. In fact, research has shown that if we do keep things bottled up, it can reduce our life by up to two years. The aim is just to reduce the amount we moan.

Don't Moan. Complain

One thing you actually can do is to complain instead of moan. Complaining is a positive action and is much more likely to get a gripe out of your system.

Say, for example, your train was delayed for the third day in a row. By calling up the train company or writing them an email, you've acted, and just by doing this, your annoyance at it will subside. If you moan about it, it doesn't make your annoyance subside, if anything it adds fuel to the fire.

You can actually feel the difference between complaining and moaning. Take the train scenario for instance. First try to imagine you're talking on the phone to someone from customer service at the train company and imagine the conversation you would have. Okay, now try imagining you haven't complained, but you're moaning to a friend at work about the terrible train service.

I don't know about you, but when I did this I really noticed the difference. When I imagined myself complaining to customer service, I don't know if I felt angry exactly, more of a righteous indignation and a forceful energy. When I then imagined myself just moaning to a friend, I actually felt my shoulders drop and definitely felt more negative. I had to fight to stop myself shaking my head from side to side. Even if you didn't feel exactly like that, it's interesting to feel the difference between the two.

But the trouble is we usually moan rather than complain. Dr Guy Winch, a psychologist and author of The Squeaky Wheel says that research has found that 95% of consumers who have a problem with a product don't complain to the company, but they will moan about it to between 8 to 16 people.

“We tell ourselves that we need to get it off our chest, but each time we do, we get upset all over again and end up 10 to 12 times more aggravated,” says Dr Winch.

How To Complain

So to get the problem off your chest it's best to complain about it, but it's important to know the right way to complain. If you don't, when you're unsuccessful, it'll just give you something extra to moan about – and that's the last thing you want.

Dr Winch says complaining the right way may not only create a solution; it can curb anxiety and improve relationships. He offers these seven tips:

A complaint should have a purpose

Before you share your woes, have a specific goal in mind.

The more you think about what you want to achieve, the more rational and level-headed you'll be.

It makes it easier for the person dealing with your complaint. If you don't know what you want, the other person may not know how to resolve the situation.

“Identifying a purpose is most important when complaining to a spouse, friend, or colleague,” says Dr Winch, “because this is when you're likely to take the least amount of time preparing. Don't voice dissatisfaction until you're clear about why you're upset and what you want.”

Start with a positive statement

Before you launch into the problem, set the stage for a positive outcome. Even customer service professionals will get defensive if you start out in anger.

“A complaint is an accusation,” says Dr Winch. “It's natural to get defensive, but you want to deliver your complaint in a way that motivates the other person to help.”

State something positive, such as the fact that you've been a loyal customer or that you share a common goal. This makes the person less defensive and more likely to listen to what you say next.

Deliver a lean complaint

“If the problem has been going on for a while, don't go into each and every detail,” says Winch. Instead, talk about the most recent incident. Stick to the facts as much as possible and hold back on emotions.

End with another positive statement

Finish your complaint by ending on a high note. Tell the person if the problem is resolved, then it will improve your relationship. Or simply say something like, “I would really appreciate your help.”

Dr Winch says wrapping your complaint between two positive statements builds a complaint sandwich that's easier to swallow: “When you add in the positives, you're more likely to get the result you want. The person will find you much more pleasant to deal with, and they'll be more motivated to use their resources to help you than if they feel abused because you were having a go at them.”

Consider your listener

If you are complaining to a company, remember the person you're talking to probably didn't make the product or the company policies.

“A complaint is a request for help and when we ask for help, we ask nicely,” says Winch. “This can be tricky because we are not motivated to be nice when we are most annoyed.”

If you can't control your emotions, then at least acknowledge them. “Tell them, ‘I'm sorry if I sound annoyed; it's not you,'” says Winch. “Let them know it's not personal. They will appreciate that.”

Use social media properly

Complaining on social media can be effective because many companies monitor their accounts.

“If you complain on Twitter or Facebook, you're likely to get a helpful response if you provide enough information for them to contact you,” says Dr Winch. “If your flight was cancelled for example, you might get immediate results by posting your problem on Twitter rather than standing in line with everyone else for 45 minutes.”

Let it go

Whatever the outcome, be prepared to let it go instead of dwelling on it. Taking the time to complain properly can help.

If you have done all you can, it will be easier for you to mentally close the case.

“Get” Your “But” Into Gear

You can't complain about everything, but you can stop yourself moaning about it. Here are two tips that might help. Imagine you've got a boring document to write:

1. “But-Positive” – If you find yourself moaning “I've got this really boring document to write” add but on the end with a positive thought: “I've got this really boring document to write, but at least once I've done it, I won't have it hanging over me.
2. Change “have to” to “get to” – You change a moaning voice, that implies whatever it is you have no choice in the matter, to a more empowered voice. Change “I can't come out to lunch I have to write this boring document” to “I can't come out to lunch, because if I get to write this boring document now, then it's out of the way.”