The effects of language

The language with which we choose to express ourselves makes a significant impact on how we are seen by the world at large. There are a lot of words out there, but more often than not we tend not to choose them as wisely as we might, particularly in the heat of the moment. How many times do you walk away from a situation that hasn’t gone so well wishing you had said something in a different way? Sometimes it might just be a case of wishing we had or hadn’t said anything at all.

We all carry a lot of insecurities. That is just one of the many facts around existing as a human being. The fundamental differences between people lie in whether we allow those insecurities to dominate or whether we keep them in a healthier perspective.

I have lost count of the amount of people I have met, both professionally and socially, who have said things such as, ‘I didn’t go to university, so my language isn’t that great’, or ‘I don’t really read books, so I don’t have as many reference points as you’, or ‘I don’t understand some of those long words and what they mean. I’m from (fill in the blank) you know. We just say what we think there.’ and all sorts of other associations around language and identity.

My response is always the same. Have you lived life and do you have your own experiences within it? Have you spoken to people in it? Have you solved problems and got through difficulties? Have you built relationships with people and do you have some fun memories? Answer yes to any or all of these and I can tell you that you have all the words and language you need.

It’s more a case of allowing yourself to say the things as you want to, instead of worrying about how it all might be perceived. That tends to be the bigger demon we are dealing with in all of this.

We tend to worry about what people will think. ‘Ooh, listen to them, all posh-talking, who do they think they are?’ can be a strong-enough deterrent from even trying to articulate fully what you want to say. If you are from an area that takes pride in its working-class roots, or from a family or workforce that is proud of its ability to be forthright and not get ‘too emotional about things’, then you may well have had an inner critic policing what comes out of your mouth. It might stop you from being in the mid-assertive ground because it is the norm that you either put up or shut up (become over- or under-assertive). Other fears might be around responses such as, ‘Oh, get over yourself, it isn’t all about you, you know,’ to, ‘How dare you talk to me like that!’ (Does that one remind you of school, anyone?)

Using more straightforward language and getting directly to the point can often be looked upon as uncouth in other circles, such as meetings or networking events or even the family get-together. ‘Oh really, do you have to put it like that?’, or ‘Can’t you explain more fully what you mean by that?’, or ‘I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that is it?!’ can lead to yet another combative discussion that can feel like point scoring and is frankly just exhausting.

So, instead of risking either of these unpleasant scenarios, we say nothing. Or we might try to get the point over with so quickly that it is mumbled and unclear. Or we might just not be able to stop talking/over-explaining/justifying why we are saying what we are saying and, again, we lose clarity and risk weakening our point of view along with our very presence in the room. We lack assertiveness in any of these examples.

When we look at some of the language around under-assertiveness we can really start to see where we can fall down. So many of us just keep talking and talking whenever we feel uneasy about a situation. By continuing to talk we don’t have to deal with the direct feelings involved. Language can become the major distraction from the situation itself.

	To speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks.
	Ben Jonson, Renaissance dramatist, playwright and poet

Padding and blathering

So why do we really say too much and what are the effects of that? Well, in those tricky situations where we need to assert ourselves and voice that a boundary has been crossed, or try saying something new, it can feel terrifying. We can feel afraid of what will come as a result: a fall out of some sort, an argument, a loss of trust, responsibility, money or a job role.

Usually this fear is unfounded and people really aren’t going to go to such extremes simply as a result of us saying what we want or setting a few boundaries, but in those moments our body has already hit an adrenalised mode and we over-talk by way of keeping something happening. We’re scared to stop and see the effect of what we have said. And none of this happens on a conscious level, so it’s a difficult habit to shift. Happily, though, it is not impossible.

It is worth identifying the causes of why we ‘pad’ vocally. Usually there will be experience in our past of someone behaving irrationally to what we have done or said. We feel responsible for their ‘blowing’ and we’re trying to keep the lid on all future exchanges with anyone. Think about this. If this resonates with you then think about how you can relate this behaviour to just one specific person and realise that it simply belongs with them, and not you or every situation you find yourself in.

Words and phrases we tend to use to fill are things such as ‘just’, ‘sorry’, ‘would you mind if’, ‘I’m sorry to disturb you’, ‘would it be okay if’, ‘I only ask because’, and other such phrases and apologies.

If you are someone who tends to over-talk in those challenging moments, make a list of the padding/blathering words and phrases you use regularly. When you know what they are you can watch out for them and realise you are blathering:

Hedging our bets with words

This can be a common one when we have to speak up in front of an audience, at a meeting or where we feel we might be putting ourselves on the line in terms of our own thoughts and opinions. We want to make our point but we are over-worried about being fair, or offensive, or we just don’t have the self-confidence to say what we need to say assertively. Words and phrases added in here might be along the lines of ‘perhaps’, ‘maybe’, ‘in my opinion’, ‘from where I’m standing’, ‘it could be said’, ‘it might be thought that’, ‘according to some people’, ‘I only say this because’ etc.

If you are someone who hedges your bets with words or phrases, for whatever reason, make a list of what these sound like below:

Our voice and us

Our voice is fundamental in what it communicates to the world in terms of how assertive we are. Or indeed how assertive we aren’t. What is tricky to manage here is that our voice operates as a result of all the muscles that respond to different types of nervous stimulation. Anyone who has ever wobbled vocally, or suffered from dry mouth or throat tension in those moments where they need to say something important (that’ll be all of us then), can understand this. Your voice is an expression of you and while it cannot be separated from the body or mind, and nor would we want it to be, it is still beneficial to look at some of the components in detail here.

From the mouths of babes

It is worth considering how babies use their voices. Whenever they need something they cry out, fully and loudly, but without any tension or hoarseness as a result. This is quite different from how we use our voices in confrontation. We will often walk away from such situations with throat tension or, if voices have been raised, we will be sore and hoarse. So why is this?

Firstly, when we are small we work as one unit – everything is connected; all of the systems in our bodies are naturally supporting each other and working together. We are also fearless – we haven’t yet learned to be anxious or afraid. As we grow we learn these fears, which create tension in the body and therefore a ‘disconnect’ with our voices (an easy example of this is the tension we can hold in our shoulders and necks, which immediately limits the space in our throats where voice is created). So when we do need to use our voices to assert ourselves, quite often we will over-compensate by pushing, will fly to over-assertive behaviour and hurt our vocal system. Babies simply ‘say’ what they need there and then in the moment and it is dealt with. There is no need to hold tension because of not ‘saying’ something or having let it all out at once. This non-productive vocal behaviour only happens in adults.

Being too scared to breathe

Sadly many of us breathe badly. We don’t support our systems, our voice and, even more essentially, we don’t support our own sense of self when we don’t breathe properly. But let’s not pick up the blame stick here and inflict it on ourselves. Let’s look at the many valid reasons as to why. See if any of the following are familiar to you from the past:

• Being told to shush.
• Being told not to make so much noise.
• Being told to play quietly.
• Being told that children should be seen and not heard.
• Being told that you are making a fuss.
• Being told that you are too loud.
• Being told that something is your fault.
• Being told that you are breathing too loudly or heavily.
• In fact the list goes on and on . . .

This may shed some light onto why many of us don’t breathe properly. Fear can keep us holding our breath, especially in a stressful situation, and in more severe cases can lead to breathing-related illnesses, such as asthma. (There are some types of asthma that are triggered by other factors but it is worth checking if you are breathing into your belly/diaphragm as it will still help.)

Sometimes there is such a deep belief that we and our opinions matter so little that we don’t even bother breathing properly. In other words, we don’t think we’re worth being our full selves and existing fully in the space.

The key steps to breathing

Breathe down into your diaphragm, expanding the lungs as you go. Beware of shallow, chesty breathing. Inhale through the nose gently and exhale through the mouth gently. Slow your breathing down. Keep your chin dipped into your chest but not forced – that is the middle place between thrusting your head and neck forward or backwards. Relax, smile and allow your breath to take as much space as it needs to.

If you catch yourself not breathing properly, or panicking before a meeting, pitch, presentation or other important conversation, then be careful when ‘taking deep breaths.’ It is the thing most people say to each other in these situations and it is definitely something we tend to say to ourselves, but there is an important distinction to be made. Don’t make the inhale the point of focus – if you do this you are likely to add to your anxiety, and in worst-case scenarios it can cause hyperventilation. Instead, focus on exhaling as fully as you can and then replenishing the breath with a gentle inhale, not a sucking one. Exhale as fully and as easily as you can and try not to push. This way you are breathing out and releasing nervous energy in the form of carbon dioxide, not taking more in.

Language limitations

There are times in life when we just cannot find the words to say what we want to say. It might be that we feel we just don’t have the language in the heat of the moment, it might be that we feel we’re not communicating what we can see in our mind’s eye or we may simply become tongue-tied altogether. In these situations it is a good idea to say what is going on. Here are some of the possible things to say in the moment:

1. ‘I can’t find the right words to say just now. I’m going to take a moment/ten minutes (or another time of your choosing).’
2. ‘I don’t think this is coming over clearly/how I’d like it to. Let me try to say it a different way.’
3. ‘I’m feeling a little bit tongue-tied. I need to take some time to think about this.’
4. ‘My mind is blank. I’m going to take myself off to think about what I want to say clearly. I will be back in ten minutes.’

Usually these language limitations only happen because we have got what is the equivalent of stage fright in a moment where something happens that pushes our buttons, for one reason or another.

When we get ‘stage fright’, and this is not just something that happens to dancers, singers and actors but something that can happen to anybody when they are in a pressured work situation and they need to make some sort of positive impact on others, our breathing is interrupted.

Once our breathing is interrupted so are our thought patterns, our digestive systems knot up and our nervous system goes into overdrive. We can feel hot, sweaty, nauseous, our chest can feel tight, we might go red and flushed, we panic and the upper part of our body goes into freeze. Of course we are not at our most assertive when any or all of that is happening to us, and it really does feel like it is happening ‘to’ us.

What makes this anxious state more intense is when we fight it, and most of us do just that. The minute we feel any of the above happening we think along the lines of, ‘Oh no, I’m rubbish, why me? I must stop that thing from happening. It is bad and I am not worthy if I clam up/sweat/feel sick/etc.’ It is that inner fight that is exactly the thing that creates more of the panic. So making it okay for ourselves to have a little stage fright in that moment can make all of the difference to how we feel and therefore how we come across to others. We are then able to stay far more in charge of our assertiveness and have the impact we choose to have.

The speed of speech

There are lots of vocal variations that can communicate. We have the tone of voice, which tends to convey mood, we have the pitch, which is linked directly to both breath and stature, we have musicality, which is linked to enthusiasm and engagement, and we have speed. Let’s take a look at speed.

The benefits of stopping

Our habitual response where both voice and behaviour is concerned is an immediate launch into our patterns. We do things the way we are used to doing them and say things the way we are used to saying them without really thinking about it. If we want to shift vocal habits, or indeed any other habits, that are undermining our assertive position then the first thing we need to do is stop.

By stopping the response we are rejecting the outcome of the unhelpful behaviour and therefore consciously choosing something different – empowering and in charge. That feels good and we can be more aware of the big picture, even though we also exist within it.

Where voice is concerned, the decision to stop, using pauses or silence, also has the benefit of raising our presence within a situation. It gives whatever we say more weight, more importance. Others are more likely to really hear what you have to say and you are likely to find the words you want, even in the heat of the moment, because you have provided your brain with the space it needs in which to think.

Pausing helps us to learn to trust that our brain will come up with the most useful option in the heat of the moment. It also aids communication because it allows other people to engage more fully with what we are saying and therefore a common understanding or agreement can be reached far more quickly.

	If you wouldn’t write it and sign it, don’t say it.
	Earl Wilson, baseball player

Use of imagery

If the words you are using when you’re trying to communicate your point of view aren’t serving, think about the option of using imagery. By this I mean either as visual language or actual images or prototypes. As we are all different and we all communicate in different ways, some people might not grasp what feels crystal clear to you. For example, you might be saying something along the lines of, ‘The ideal outcome for me in this situation is that this project gets divided so that each team gets their area to work on and it gets handed back up at the end.’ If this creates some confusion then you have a few options here.

Firstly, think about drawing a diagram to represent what you mean. It need not be perfect. Whiteboards, SMART boards or large pieces of flipchart paper are ideal for this. And, most importantly, visual representations that accompany language in this way ensure more clarity of communication across the board and can save time.

You might also choose to represent each team with an object on a desk (four pens might represent the four teams, for example) and then you might have each part of the project represented by a small sweet or a coin, or whatever else might be at hand within a boardroom or similar environment.

Another option is to actively use metaphors and similes. For example, ‘I think the ideal outcome would be for the project to be divided so that each team has an area to work on, in the same way that a chef focuses on his/her own speciality. Sometimes, by pulling in a different concept, what you are trying to say can be quickly crystalised and made sense of.

As with all of these communication tools, the quicker and more effectively you say what you need to say, the easier this assertiveness practice can be and the more confidence you will hold in a room, both in yourself and through the perception of others.

‘We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilising drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood . . .’

Martin Luther King Jr, 28 August 1963

So what was it about Martin Luther King’s memorable speech that made it so assertive, memorable and impactful?

Firstly, language such as ‘urgency’ and the regular use of the word ‘now’ make it active, relevant and pressing. They create aliveness and immediacy. ‘Cooling off’ and ‘tranquilising drug of gradualism’ provoke the feelings of apathy and lethargy, which provide a sharp contrast to what was said before – what we ought to strive for as opposed to what we are. Words such as ‘rising’, ‘lifting’ and ‘solid’ are positive and aspirational, providing a common goal for the audience or listener. ‘Injustice’ and ‘brotherhood’ quickly get people buying into the emotional elements. Luther King talked about his dream at the beginning of this speech – he shared it with a language of imagery so that others could see it for themselves too. That can be the power of language. It’s not complicated, it’s not over- intellectualised or impenetrable, it’s direct, visionary and compelling and still resounds with us today, decades later.

Not all of us are Martin Luther King Jr, of course, but we can learn to express, day-to-day what is really going on for us by being a little braver with language. Using emotive words in the right context and describing how things feel (i.e. ‘this could be a whole new beginning that we could drive forward together’) helps to gain people’s buy-in quickly and allows the individual to express how things are for them openly in order to get what they want.

Emotional contexts

When things get heated or pressured, and we get emotional as a result, our voice tends to be the first thing to give us away. In some situations this is appropriate, but in a work context this is rarely the case. Also, once emotion enters our voice it can provoke all sorts of emotional responses from others, putting us on the back foot as an unhelpful domino effect ensues.

When working with assertiveness it is absolutely crucial that the vocal components – tone, pitch, volume, speed, inflection and clarity – remain within a strong and consistent place, with a definite degree of connection and intention. It is only in this place that positive and effective negotiations can be taken forward, conflicts can be worked through and important messages can be given with assurance.

Speaking with clarity

The effects of good diction are irreplaceable. Clear annunciation improves how well you are being perceived, increases your confidence and gives more weight and importance to what you say.

In a world full of different languages, regional accents, communication via all sorts of technology (telephone, webcam, Skype, Face Time, live conference calls, video link-ups, to name but a few), and generally working at a squeezed and hurried pace, our attention can fall away from how we form words. It’s ironic that the more communication tools we have in our lives, the lazier we can be at looking after our own personal means of communication.

Spending just a bit of time practising the exercises below can make all the difference. You can even economise on time by doing them while you shave, tidy up, do your make-up, drive or whatever else, as they don’t require too much brain power.

Tongue-twisters

Remember these from your school days? Sayings such as ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked’, ‘She sells sea shells on the sea shore, the sea shells that she sells are sea shells for sure’ and even the simple ‘Red leather, yellow leather’ can remind us how to get our tongue and teeth around any set of words.

The likes of these are easy to find by just typing the words ‘tongue-twisters’ into any search engine, and there are even a few books full of them.

Humming

Most of us do this anyway if we are mindlessly pottering around working on the car, the house, the garden and other such tasks. So keep doing it – it really is a great way to keep resonance in your voice. Next time you are humming away, have a play at ‘sending the sound’ into various places on your body. Try sending the vibrational sounds into your lips, cheekbones and nose, chest, back, forehead, ribs and belly, and monitor this by placing your hands or fingertips lightly on the area you are focusing on. You may well feel tingling or tickling sensations.

Afterwards just try saying your name or a simple greeting out loud and you will notice how much more connected you both feel and sound. It’s a useful trick before an important presentation or meeting. A lovely side effect of this, I have noticed, is that it also focuses the mind and therefore clarifies thought, meaning we can make a far more assertive decision and impact when we choose to in these kind of situations.

Yawning

In British culture, at least, a big open yawn and stretch in public might be considered rude and offensive, but in private I would urge you to yawn away. Just the sheer mention of the word may already have you yawning as you read, so there is no time like the present (unless at this moment you are on a really crowded train or something).

Doing the biggest, loudest, most over-the-top yawns we can muster is a fantastic way to get us breathing in a more supportive way. Yawning releases stagnant air and any anxieties we may be harbouring along with it. Yawning also gets us to open our mouths and release any vocal tension, in particular the tension that has a tendency to reside in the neck and throat.

By opening up these muscles and releasing air, we are exercising the muscles that permit us to open our mouths properly when we speak, so enabling a clear and more rounded sound. By assisting with effective breath support it helps us to produce a much richer sound and have a stronger impact on those listening.

Whispering

If we whisper when we tell a story we can create intrigue and suspense. Technically when we whisper we also have to form the words in a much clearer manner in order to be understood. Whenever you need to make an important point in front of a large group, be it a business pitch, proposal at a meeting or a speech at a wedding, it is a great idea to exaggeratedly whisper your way through it first. I would recommend doing this privately of course.

Not only does whispering really get our mouths chewing around the vocal sounds so as to maximise the effect they have on people, but it also links us directly to our diaphragm breathing, which is a more supportive and ‘connected’ place from which to deliver any sort of information. Practise doing this and notice what differences whispering can make to your vocal delivery.

Many people have a tendency to get to the end of their point having begun to exercise assertive behaviour only to fall away at the end. It is almost like their brain is saying they’re done before they actually are and their mouth follows suit, so destroying any positive effects made when delivering the bulk of the content.

Always make sure that you end what you say, in any situation, with power and hit your punctuation (even if you aren’t talking from the written page). Envisage telling a story to a young child. You would most certainly give them their ‘happily ever after’ with as much dedication as you would their ‘once upon a time’ because you wouldn’t want to lose the impact of the whole tale right at the end. So why do it in your everyday affairs?

Pay special attention to how you conclude your points of view, make statements and engage in conversation in your daily life and notice how much more seriously people take you and your opinions.

Silence can be a powerful tool in a tricky situation. But if you choose to say nothing be clear in your mind that this is an active choice or positive intention. This will then be relayed through your body language so that people will see you are choosing to remain silent, rather than being tongue-tied due to a lack of confidence. This short silence gives you time to think about your response and creates space for other people to think and, if necessary, calm down. It will also show that you have the confidence to ‘hold your own’ in a given situation. All of this is fantastically useful in terms of upping your assertiveness.

Singing it out and letting it go

Notice when at home or in the car, usually when we’re alone, we will sing out like there’s no tomorrow. The sensations of doing this are fantastic because we are fully expressing ourselves. We are also connecting how we truthfully feel to what we are allowing the voice to communicate.

Yet for most of us the thought of speaking with the same connection and passion is terrifying. People would surely think it too much? They would wonder what on earth had happened to me, right? Well, yes, more than likely if you used the same volume you use when you sing alone. But what if you just spoke with the same level of commitment? The likelihood is that you would find being more assertive far easier because you would be able to communicate what you think and feel about a situation (being asked to do too much, for example) with clarity and strength.

It is something to think about and definitely something worth practising, in small stages if that feels easier.

• You already have all of the language options available to you that you need to be successfully assertive with your content
• Be aware that when you go to the extremes by either saying too much or clamming up in a pressurised situation, you need to consciously use silence or voice what is happening in order not to weaken your level of assertiveness
• It is an unfounded fear that takes hold and prevents us from using our voice to the maximum effect when we are faced with challenging situations or exchanges
• Your posture plays a big part in how well you breathe. It is this breath that supports the words that you say and how you say them, and therefore the impact that they make on the people you deal with
• If you vocally lose the end of your point of view or statement then you effectively lose everything you have said. It is the end that really stays with people once you have finished what you need to say, so always finish what you are saying with enthusiasm, intention and general aplomb