What is interesting about the human condition is that we understand things intellectually very quickly and very well. What is even more curious is that it is quite another matter when it comes to us actually doing them.
Harvard professor Howard Gardner identifies well with this when he speaks about his theory of the multiple intelligences of the human being. Gardner suggests that man understands the world through several different intelligences, not just the cognitive. Included in there are the likes of spatial intelligence and bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, which would suggest that our physical understanding of the world may be different from our logical understanding. This would make sense of how emotions can overtake our ‘logical’ thought processes and it would make sense as to why our instinct is usually right.
In the acting world it is certainly true that actors can understand a range of techniques very easily in concept alone but it is a significant shift to get into any performance space and ‘live’ the changes. Sport is in the same territory.
What we really need to do is start walking the walk to create shifts in the less helpful patterns currently linked to non-assertive behaviour.
As with every learning exercise, in order to make this chapter work the best it can for you, you will need to practise the exercises and tools. You will need to speak and you will need to move. There’s no getting away from it if you want things to shift for the better.
It’s all about what we do
What we communicate physically makes a huge impact. For the most part, we don’t really have to pay much attention to our body language because we are working holistically without even having to think about it.
Sometimes, though, we need to make conscious some of those things we take for granted in order to maximise our impact or achieve a more productive outcome. This is particularly true if we have some difficult internal thoughts or feelings accompanying the situation. Our body tends to let on that something is amiss very quickly and human beings are extremely astute at detecting these signals from one another.
There have been many so-called ‘rules’ about body language and its meanings but, of course, two things need to be noted here. One, we really are trying to challenge rules in this book because rules tend to hinder the human working as a whole rather than help things. Two, there can be a lot of variations in the patterns of body language depending upon culture and historical references so it is impossible to have any definitive statements. We can only have guidelines. These ‘rules’ should be accompanied with a mental question mark where possible and there is always room to adapt depending on your position and your individual situation.
Working with intentions
So now it is time to steal a key technique from the acting world and use it in a real-life, day-to-day context. It is crucial to note that acting is not, as it is very commonly misunderstood to be, pretending. Acting is being. Acting is being truthful, warts and all. It is about being human. It is about being flexible, responsive and imperfect. Once this is clear in people’s minds, anything that relates to acting throughout this book should be taken simply as a state of being in a truthful way within life itself and not one that involves pretending or ‘acting’ as if you are somebody else.
Intentions are a major part of any actor’s toolkit. They are the reason that anything ever happens on stage or screen. There is always an intention behind what is happening, major or minor, as in life. For example, in the well-known Shakespeare play Romeo and Juliet, Romeo’s intention at the balcony is to woo Juliet. Everything he does has this end-goal in mind. So let’s relate this to the day-to-day in our life and, more specifically, the world of assertiveness. If you are going into a meeting simply thinking, ‘It’s just another meeting, it will be boring – let’s get through it as fast as possible and get back to that pile of work on my desk,’ then that is exactly what the body will be communicating to the world, or in this case the meeting room.
Walk into a meeting with the intention of driving a specific issue forward or getting a decision on a project and you will conduct yourself quite differently, even without thinking once about what your body language is communicating. It just happens by the very fact that we have that intention.
When you are clear about what yours is/are then you will likely operate with more decisiveness and awareness. You are more likely to be outspoken about certain things because they affect the outcome you walked in aiming to get. There is a kind of pull that dictates very clearly what is necessary at any given time. Aristotle and his definition of assertiveness1 would be extremely pleased with that one!
To use some sporting analogies in order to help frame this concept further, it is the difference between running a race just to take part and running a race to win a gold medal or get a personal best. It is the difference between playing a game of football just to take part and playing with the intention of scoring a hat trick in the first half.
The differences in outcome are pretty significant here, just as they are in life. Give a so-called ‘monkeys’ about any situation and your presence, confidence and assertiveness levels will inevitably rise. Your body simply responds to what your mind is doing. They are inherently linked and it makes sense that we start to become more conscious of this and use it to our advantage.
So, breaking it down then, here are just some of the components to be aware of when going out into the world to operate from an assertive and confident place:
Eye contact
Generally we are all quite hard-wired to give an appropriate level of eye contact (not too staring, but enough). However, it is important to note where we can inadvertently get caught out with this one.
Often if a person is feeling under-confident eye contact will diminish, and so it is important to make it more consciously rather than relying on habit. If one feels confronted then eye contact tends to go to one extreme or the other (either wide-eyed rabbit/staring or a complete withdrawal of it).
Another thing to be aware of is the proximity and how that can limit eye contact. If we are too close to someone often our eye contact goes and we can forget the option of simply moving to one side or creating more space to allow for a stronger eye connection to happen. The other thing to be aware of is the fact that if there is a group of people around a table, or other, we tend to forget the people immediately to one side (left and right). Too much eye contact here might be a little strange but this is simply a reminder to include them with a light glance.
On the whole, in group situations spread your eye contact. It has the amazing effect of helping you to feel in balance and in charge and is therefore key in raising confidence. If you want or need to make a strong impact, then ensure your eye contact does not get stuck in any one place. The assertive effect is profound both for you and for others.
An important cultural difference with eye contact
Normally good, measured eye contact is considered assertive and respectful. However, it is important to note where some differences lie so as to avoid miscommunication or misguided negative assumptions. In some Caribbean, Japanese and Australian Aboriginal cultures younger people are instructed (and therefore it has become one of their ingrained social ‘rules’) not to look at someone in the eye when being spoken to by someone older or hierarchically above them.
Facial expressions
We read a lot on people’s faces and we can make a lot of assumptions, both positive and negative, about what is being expressed. Our faces can be a great way to express what is really going on, but can also let us down when it comes to assertiveness unless we have some awareness about what messages they are sending out.
The smile
For the most part, we all love a good smile and we love a good laugh. It can make us feel safe and accepted. It can make us feel approved of and liked. From the moment we’re born, we are faced with people goo-ing and gaa-ing into our prams, cots and buggies and very quickly we learn to do it right back. It’s one of the main ways we bond as human beings and on the whole it is an incredibly positive bit of body language.
But, if we are not careful, our laughter and smiles can also undermine how effective we can be when it comes to assertiveness. Many of us smile without even being aware that we are doing it. We smile because inside we’re worried that we won’t be liked or approved of. It’s a way of keeping a professional boundary between us and the world, as well as acting as a bond, particularly in work situations. None of us wants to be perceived as miserable, unhelpful or unapproachable, so the smile sneaks its way onto our faces when we’re not looking. Well, kind of.
If you need to stand your ground on an issue, present some serious numbers to a room of investors, or voice a major concern in a meeting then the smile can dramatically weaken your impact. Try it. Try talking about a serious issue with a smile on your face and then gradually smile less and less and you will actually feel the difference it makes.
If you are someone who is a natural grinner then it is next to impossible to stop grinning completely, but it is possible to grin to a smaller degree. Bear this in mind when you need to assert yourself and have a decent amount of presence in a room. Bear this in mind when you need to say no. If you want to be taken seriously, let your face back up that message.
The well-known frown
Just like smiling, there are some people who are natural frowners. We can frown for all sorts of reasons: we’re tired; we’re worried; we’re thinking; we’re upset, irritated or annoyed; we need new glasses; the sun is in our eyes; and probably a whole host of other possibilities.
Usually, though, if someone is on the receiving end of a frown the assumption is a negative one. We can feel intimidated or a little scared. This person on the other end of the communication dynamic is not someone to be messed with! That is fine if that is the message you want to send out but usually it isn’t useful. If we were to hang the frown and what it conveys on our assertiveness spectrum then it could be considered overly assertive behaviour (if we take the intention or the reason out of the equation, that is).
So it seems that the best way to manage a frown, whether it is on your face or somebody else’s, is to admit it is there. If you know you are a frowner, then it is a good idea to manage the other person’s expectations around it. I am one of life’s big brow-knitters. Not because I am grumpy but because, one, I’m a big thinker and two, it’s a family trait. So I do tend to be very aware of how other people are affected by it, particularly if they approach me when I am in the middle of working on something. If they don’t know me well, I will make a conscious effort to smile to combat the effect, and I will usually say something like, ‘Sorry about the brow, I’m not that formidable I promise’, in a light-hearted manner.
If someone else is frowning then it is a good idea to ask a question if you are concerned that it will get in the way of the communication exchange. Something like, ‘How is everything with you?’ will give you a better gauge rather than going straight in with, ‘What’s the matter?’ If somebody is a natural frowner then a question of this directness may cause some offence.
Of course, if there is a negotiation happening over workload or a push back of a boundary and the frown emerges during this, it can give some indication of the impact the situation is directly having on the other person. It’s all about context and relating the behaviour to the specific situation.
Stillness and expressiveness
No two people are the same with how they use their body language. There are some folk who are incredibly expressive whenever they speak, occupying much space, gesticulating whenever they explain and finding it difficult to sit in a chair for too long to discuss an issue. Others are stiller, using minimal gesture, moving around little and generally being more contained.
To consciously back up your level of assertiveness we are operating within quite a wide spectrum because it would be impossible to ask someone who is naturally very expressive to suddenly be still, or someone who is very still to suddenly start to walk around and talk using their hands. It is a good idea, then, to work as if our behaviours are all on a moveable scale. Just like with facial expressions, altering something just a little can create a very different impact in terms of assertiveness.
Stillness in its extremes might be perceived as disengagement or it might be perceived as not caring. If you are a naturally still person then sometimes slightly tweaking-up your physical expressiveness might be a useful thing to do. On the other hand, if you are very expressive by nature this could be perceived as too much, as overreacting or as too bubbly and therefore not taking things as seriously as you should within a given situation. In these instances, if you are an expressive person it may serve your assertive impact to tweak down your natural settings in order to create more of a serious effect.
Behaviour as an entirety
On the whole, if what you are doing behaviourally does not seem to be working in the way that you would like it to, then you can choose to vary it and try something different. This need not be anything major – a small change will suffice. This may be the difference between sitting back in a chair during a meeting to sitting forward so as to appear to be more engaged in a discussion, and therefore raising your presence and assertiveness level within the group. It is all contextual.
A client of mine was having trouble with an aggressive boss. He would storm up to her desk and loom over her like some kind of harbinger of doom, while barking out ‘What are you doing?’ She found it terrifying and stumbled over her answer, sounding flustered, breathless, panicked and, in his eyes, looking incompetent (or so she imagined).
I suggested that the next time it happened she simply stand up, take a step away from him and take a moment to breathe deeply. The effect was miraculous. Not only did she calm down, but being physically equal to him (he was not a tall man) gave her the confidence to tell him assertively what she was doing and outline some of her plans to improve her department’s performance. He left a happy man and she felt a huge sense of relief and a new emotion – empowerment. A nice win-win.
The main thing to have in mind about any behaviour you are exhibiting is to give it a positive direction. It is not the aim to make the individual so preoccupied with their own behaviour that they become self-conscious and therefore come across as contrived, but merely to raise awareness levels around how things are landing with others.
It is also worth bearing in mind that the way someone behaves does not define who they are within themselves. For example, if someone reacts in a defensive manner towards an issue it would be incorrect to believe them to be defensive in their entirety. They are merely responding in a defensive manner to that specific thing. Behaviour cannot be generalised as something that is immoveable in another.
Practising it all
It is a big ask to request your system to make a change to an old habitual tendency in the heat of a highly important moment, particularly in front of colleagues or people who matter to your work or life in one way or another. I wouldn’t recommend for a moment that you leap straight in and try something dramatically different when the stakes are high.
What I would recommend is that you start by watching situations, watching how people interact with one another and seeing which words, behaviours and facial expressions create different tones and moods within a particular context. Then start to make the shifts in your mind.
Consider possibilities and be aware of other people using them and then try them out where it really doesn’t matter if you wobble, for example in situations such as sending food back in a restaurant or changing your drink at a bar. Only once you are familiar with the other options you have, both in mind and within your system on a visceral level, should you start to make those changes in the situations where it really matters that you make that assertive impact for the better.
Keep moving forward . . . literally
The term ‘moving things forward’ appears to have a very clear meaning in our heads. It means to resolve, to not get stuck in the past, to see what the future holds. I would like you to experience what it actually means to inhabit the ‘moving forwards’ of which people speak.
Find yourself some space in a private place with some clear room ahead of you (about two metres is enough). Now visualise a situation in which you recently felt emotionally, financially or politically stuck or overwhelmed. This is your starting point. Envisage the situation in as much detail as possible.
Now very slowly take one step forward. What happens to the situation in your mind and is there a physical response? Do this a second time with a second step forward. And then again do it a third time.
After each step take a moment of reflection and make a mental note of what comes up for you. Try not to write anything down until you are at the end of the process and then notice what options or possibilities have presented themselves to you.
Note them down here:
Now jot down any emotional feelings that you felt as you walked forward along this invisible line. For example, did you feel apprehensive, did you feel relieved, or were there a range of emotions at different points? Again, spend some time to reflect and write these down:
There w.as likely some dialogue or optional responses as you went along the line too – things you may have said differently or things you would have liked to have said at all. Jot these down and then repeat the exercise, this time speaking out loud anything that comes up for you in terms of feelings or conversation:
Once you start to move forward, quite literally, the body grasps a more thorough understanding of what is possible in terms of being assertive and self-aware. Our stomachs give out a lot of tiny electrical pulses, which are received by the brain. When we move, our brain and gut (instinct) work in tandem, but when we are sitting or static for any long period of time, they cease being as connected and as sharp as they might be.
The Eastern holistic approach
There is much to be gained from the East in terms of philosophy, medicine and exercise. With particular link to the mind/body connections, some yoga poses are an interesting physical exploration of assertiveness and the fears we often hold around it.
Yoga
I would advise a weekly yoga practise to anyone who would like to improve their confidence and assertiveness in life. The fundamentals of yoga, the breathing, the postures and the relaxation, are all excellent foundations for managing stress, confronting fears and staying centred.
In particular, any yoga pose that opens out the chest and involves some backward bending will usually bring about some anxiety or panic initially because it tends to tune in directly with our feelings of vulnerability.
Backward bending
From a primal perspective this makes complete and utter sense. When we bend backwards in a yoga pose, and this should only ever be done with an experienced yogi in the room, we open up our chest (and therefore heart), our stomach (and therefore solar plexus), our throat (and therefore jugular vein), and our hips (and therefore stomach and reproductive organs).
All of these organs are vital to our life and therefore when thrust forward the human body responds with some strange sensations. These can be anything from feeling slightly nauseous to full-on panic and tears. However, regular yoga practise will strengthen our courage and trust within these postures, which ultimately will lead to a stronger emotional and mental state and an ability to take more risks in communication and life in general.
Just as with this posture you start to embrace, look forward to and love the strong, courageous and open positions, the same is true of those feelings of being in the assertive middle ground physically, mentally and emotionally.
The Wheel
Standing poses
The standing postures in yoga ensure that we are grounded and help us to connect physically with who we really are and be confident in that. To hold these standing postures for any length of time requires both stillness and strength within the body and mind. Again we can draw parallels with the assertive position – in order to hold the middle ground we need to be at a still and strong place to perceive the realities of what is going on.
The Side Bend
Breathing and meditation
The breathing and meditation elements to yoga bring about a stilling of the mind and are therefore an excellent combative of stress and feelings of being overwhelmed.
They also allow the negative self-talk in our heads to wash over us more easily and allow a more objective viewpoint of the day-to-day, making it easier to employ assertive techniques and to raise our consciousness when we are slipping into an unhelpful emotional pattern. These practices tap exactly into the resources we need to give us the strength to make alternative choices.
The Cross-Legged Position
T’ai chi
T’ai chi is a practise of tuning into the different energies around us – through stillness and focus of the mind we can tune in to positive and negative energies, and with strong, specific bodily movements we can change that energy into something productive. It doesn’t take much thought to see that we can extend this into the practices of assertive behaviour. We can take charge of the energies around us if we choose how we are going to respond to them. This is an empowering place to be.
Other sports and fitness
If we don’t move we risk seeing things from a limited perspective and our emotions can ‘get stuck’ within our systems. It is these emotional sticking places that can lead to stress, resentment and illness. We literally stop ‘moving forward.’
It is true to say that every sport or physical activity can help to tune us into our physical and emotional selves and the world around us in a strong and productive way. These physical activities allow our bodies to think as a more three-dimensional human being.
Those people who through illness or disability have limited movement options should ask advice as to what they can do safely. The goal is to physically move forward, whatever version is right for you.
Able-bodied people would do well to walk or run regularly at the very least. It needn’t be a marathon and it will help with your assertiveness levels.
Posture and the Alexander Technique
Just like walking forward, standing in an aligned way is the perfect way for the body to become reunited with its true instincts and feelings and it can start to release those historical fears and traumas that are literally locked in the cells.
The only issue here is that the vast majority of us have grown up with people saying things like ‘stand up straight’ and us not actually knowing what that means. Often our version of this ‘standing up straight’ is a tense and held posture that is very different from allowing the natural skeleton to become aligned.
The Alexander Technique is an excellent place to start with this and can provide all sorts of solutions to a wide range of issues, physical and emotional.
More information on the benefits of this technique can be found at www.stat.org.uk and you can also source a local teacher there too.
Letting go of patterns
As we go through life, none of us remains unscathed by drama, trauma, hurt, loss and chaos at times. In order to get through these tricky times the body literally locks itself down, building a physical armour for the short duration it feels it needs it. The problem is that even when we are through these episodes in our lives, often the physical habit remains. This can compromise how effectively we respond to situations because it causes a disconnect in the physical body that consequently causes an emotional disconnect and therefore a lack of internal clarity. This muscle memory resides and so do the feelings, despite them now being redundant.
An example of this physical armour is a life-long habit I have in my neck and shoulders, for which I now need regular acupuncture and massage. It’s a natural physical defence that kicked in for me as a youngster to protect myself from a range of situations and if it goes untreated for too long causes painful pins and needles in my hands. Now I am aware of it, I realise when my decisions are based on fear (influenced by a posture that creates a link back to a less secure time) or whether I need to stop to adjust my physical self before I make a more ‘connected’ and therefore confident decision.
When it comes to dealing with things assertively it can be these feelings that get in the way. Within them are fears about being hurt or traumatised again, and so we respond with fight (over-assertiveness), flight (under-assertiveness) or freeze (either), rather than feeling calm enough to rationalise the situation.
Write down all of the things you have gone through in your life that you feel you still ‘carry something from’ (be it something physical, like shoulder tension, mental, like being convinced that a certain ‘type’ of person means x, or emotional, such as being prone to tears easily or flying off the handle temper-wise):
You will find that as you write this list some things will jump out at you as being your patterns of behaviour and it may be that these are now typical responses from you. The question is, are they useful for you? Are there any you would like to challenge or change?
It is crucial to note that this is not about being wrong, or giving yourself a hard time about the response. This is about understanding why and exploring the options around what can be consciously shifted so that you can assertively look after your own best interests and handle the challenges life throws at you with more strength and confidence.
Lie down, semi-supine, on the floor, with a couple of books to support your head if needed (see diagram below):
The Semi-Supine Position
Close your eyes and take some deep breaths out and in (always start with the out breath). Envisage your body sinking slowly into the floor – don’t push, just allow. Think of yourself as a block of ice melting into the carpet or floorboards. Now guide your attention inwards and see if you can physically feel some of the tension areas you identified in your list above. Breathe into them and with the out breath imagine letting them go, imagine them drifting out to the sky like a balloon. Spend however long you need on each area.
Once you are done and you feel ready to stand back up, roll slowly onto your right side into a foetal position, then staying rolled up get onto your feet and slowly uncurl your spine, one vertebrae at a time, putting your head up last.
Now go back to your list of difficult scenarios and see if you feel differently about the response you had and how you feel you might respond now. Note down any differences. If we can work physically on the body, as well as psychologically, then we stand more chance of being able to move our behavioural responses into a more assertive place that serves us better.
- Do practise doing things differently. It is not enough to just understand changes on a theoretical level; to start to become more assertive in your actions your body needs to get used to how it feels
- Always be aware of what other people are communicating by what they do and the effect their behaviour has on others, both positive and negative
- There are no fixed rules where body language and what it ‘says’ is concerned – it is all relative to specific situations
- Stay conscious of and clear about what your intentions are in any given set of circumstances
- You don’t have to change much about what you do to have a different effect on your levels of assertiveness
- Our systems are all linked – our body works directly with our voice and our mind and all of the other external factors involved in what makes up effective assertive communication
1 ‘Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.’