Introduction
Imagine this . . . you get everything you want in life.
Sounds good doesn’t it? What does it mean?
Well, imagine that you’re perfectly happy to ask for what you want. It wouldn’t occur to you not to. It is second nature to you. You set your own priorities and stick to them. You decide what you do with your own money, time and energy. And if anyone challenges you, you handle their questions with confidence and ease.
What’s more, if life hurls a curve ball your way you face those challenges and risks knowing that you feel utterly capable of handling them and you take risks to find solutions.
You’re also happy asking for what you need without apologising for it. You have the choice as to whether you speak up or not in response to situations.
Your self-esteem is wholly intact.
As a result you are happier, more successful and clear about your direction in work and in life. You stand up for what you believe in and people respect you for it.
Sounds really good doesn’t it? In fact, it almost sounds too good to be true, wouldn’t you agree? Surely only innately confident, happy people achieve this?
Well no. It’s what assertive people experience everyday. And the good news is that anyone can learn to be assertive. It’s simply a matter of giving yourself the head space to achieve it and working honestly with yourself. And, let’s face it, you’re worth that. Right?
Assertiveness isn’t a rigid set of rules, it’s about the state of mind you actively choose. The skills of assertiveness can be adapted to suit your personality, to suit what you feel comfortable doing and saying in the particular situation you find yourself.
So think of the term ‘assertiveness’ as being a flexible spectrum of behaviour, rather than something fixed that you either do or do not achieve. What we are working with throughout this book are endless choices and many degrees of variation within them.
And what we’re really looking at is tweaking your behaviour so that you can achieve that persona imagined at the start of the introduction. As with any behavioural change, it isn’t enough to be aware of how to do it, you have to actually take the plunge and do it.
Why we act the way we do
Here’s the science bit. The way we respond in situations is governed by a complex set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours, which are all inherently linked. We react in the ways that our brain thinks are most useful. Sadly, however, these reactions are often governed by how we have been conditioned by our life experiences. This means that sometimes we can get into the pattern of not always opting for the most useful response.
To understand why this happens we need to take a quick trip down memory lane. As we grow up, various things happen to us, good and bad, and we respond to them in various ways. As each experience happens, our brain codes it and stores it up as a type of behaviour. At its simplest, if we touch something hot and burn ourselves the brain says ‘let’s not do that again’. The same mechanism works for more complex issues – how we dealt with the school bully, with rejection by a friend or love interest, or how we accepted praise or success. Every facet of human life is coded by the brain so that the next time the situation arises the brain offers us a short cut to how we should respond.
The bully at school drove us to hide away from them . . . so guess what? The bully at work will have the same result! The hard work we did on our school project got us the acclaim of an admired teacher . . . so, of course, we strive for high performance to gain that same acclaim from our peers throughout life.
It’s a clever system and without it we’d find day-to-day life very difficult. But you need to be aware that the way you think, feel and behave is not set in stone, it’s just a code, and if it’s not working in your favour you can change it, with a bit of willpower and patience. Once your brain grasps this, it will also grasp that it’s important to stay curious and question regularly how you are responding to things, otherwise you risk getting stuck in behaviours that aren’t very helpful to you yet again.
The really good news is that you can help your brain to develop better bits of code, and once they are stored in your subconscious you’ll see how much power you have to make decisions about how you want to react to the circumstances in which you find yourself.
In life we can all get ‘stuck’ if we stay only with the theory of how we would like things to change, so it is crucial that you also begin to practise doing things differently so that the body gets it on a behavioural level. It’s almost like developing a new muscle memory of how to respond.
As soon as you start to become assertive in your life, even in small ways, everything begins to shift. Suddenly there is a smile on your face, clarity in your mind, a spring in your step and everyone wanting whatever it is that you’ve got! Being assertive and taking charge is a pleasant and empowering place to be.
How this book works
Part 1 of this book will explore what assertiveness really means in the world at large and why assertiveness is the best position to operate from. It will also look at how social conditioning through childhood, adolescence and adulthood has an effect on people’s behavioural patterns, and how that can result in the ability or inability to be assertive in different situations. For example, some people are assertive at home but struggle at work while others are the reverse. Keep in mind here that, while there are a few exceptional people who are assertive all the time, most of us struggle at some point and there are numerous reasons why, which Part 1 of the book will make clear.
Part 2 offers some practical tips, tools, techniques and exercises that will enable you to be more assertive. These exercises will help you understand the components of what makes up assertive behaviour and how you can adjust them, sometimes in a very small and simple way, to make them work for you positively and productively.
The last chapter of the book will include a personal plan that can be adapted for your own areas of development. This will work to keep you supported, empowered and on track.
Bring it on!