CHAPTER 8

ALIGN YOUR BRAIN

Attention consists of suspending our thought, leaving it detached, empty, and ready to be penetrated . . . waiting, not seeking anything, but ready to receive.

—SIMONE WEIL

A COMMONLY HELD belief is that practice makes perfect and achieving ten thousand hours of practice will grant you mastery. Many studies dispute this.¹ Practice makes any performance, including coaching, easier and more effective, but being fully present while coaching is the critical factor to enter the zone of mastery.

To be fully present requires you develop the habit of being physically and mentally aware in the moment to only what is happening in the coaching interaction. Nothing outside the interaction exists. Thoughts may float through your brain, but they don’t stay. We call this coaching presence.

The practice of coaching presence has been compared to practicing mindfulness, where you are aware of what is going on inside and outside your mind and body. Developing mindfulness will help you notice when thoughts and sensations in your body occur and then allow them to pass through. When you use mindfulness in coaching, you notice your thoughts and reactions, breathe, and come back to being present to the person you are with. You choose to be curious instead of knowing what the person needs, patient instead of being eager to find solutions, and courageously quiet instead of leaping to help.

Coaching presence has two benefits. First, you are able to receive what clients express in words and expressions. Second, your open presence creates the psychological safety needed to have an honest, exploratory conversation.

The following three steps will help you align your brain:

1. Choose how you want to feel
2. Recall your intention of partnership
3. Believe in your client’s potential

Establishing your presence by aligning your brain before you engage in a coaching conversation is important. Your presence creates a safe and open atmosphere even more than your words. Then you must maintain your alignment, readjusting your brain when necessary during your conversation. When you get distracted by your own thoughts, quickly shift back to being present.

CHOOSE HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL

Because your emotions have more impact than your words, you must consciously choose how you want to feel before you meet with your client. You don’t just think about how you want to feel; you deliberately shift your physical state by breathing in the emotions you want to feel. Flood your body with emotions by choice.

In 1998, I was asked to create a program for professionals to find their zone of excellence based on studying what top athletes do to perform well under pressure. I reviewed research in sports psychology and interviewed top athletes in six sports on how to master the art of being present. I found the best competitors do not think about anything, not even winning, when they perform in the zone. Thinking of winning causes their brains to entertain the possibility of losing. Instead, the champions cleared their minds, allowing their bodies to freely move as they enjoyed doing what they most loved.²

This mental state is called flow and is characterized by complete absorption in what one is doing, losing a sense of time and space, where nothing else matters. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the psychologist who named the concept of flow, defined the experience as an optimal state of consciousness where we perform at our best while enjoying the moment. Csikszentmihalyi said that in this state, we know what is going on but “react to it in a reflexive, instinctive way We can deliberately weigh what the senses tell us and respond accordingly.”³ Thinking isn’t necessary.

Csikszentmihalyi’s work led to countless studies and writings about mindfulness and the impact of emotions on our results. In most of this work, emotions were the result of entering flow. Other researchers have since suggested that recalling emotions, such as compassion or peacefulness, can help us enter the flow state. Based on studies of emotional intelligence, we now know many emotions can trigger the biochemical changes that produce a sense of flow. Some of these emotions are happiness, contentment, love, gratitude, appreciation, and curiosity.

When I asked the athletes how they felt when in flow, they said they felt peaceful and confident. Some said they felt gratitude. They hadn’t thought about it, but yes, they felt their emotions were significant in keeping them in a state of flow. If they fell into fear, they fell out of flow.

To get into the flow of coaching, you don’t just clear your mind; you choose one or two emotions you want to feel throughout the conversation. You might choose to be curious and caring, calm and courageous, or grateful and optimistic. You choose what emotions will help you stay present. Your choices could change when you consider the needs of each client. At the end of this chapter you will find a four-step Presencing Routine to infuse these emotions into your body.⁴

Being present while coaching builds rapport. Not only do you hear more words and notice even small emotional shifts, but your clients feel safer with you. The energy from your emotions adds a positive dynamic to your conversations.

The art of being present while practicing your skills takes patience. You are overcoming a lifetime of distracting mental habits. As your presence matures, so will your contentment when working with clients.

RECALL YOUR INTENTION OF PARTNERSHIP

Clients must sense that your intention is to partner with them to discover the best way forward throughout the conversation. As soon as you shift your intention to wanting them to go in a particular direction you think is best for them, their safety is impaired, if not lost. If they don’t actively resist your coaching, their brain activity decreases.

You must let their thoughts have a life of their own. You may sense their blocks before they do and hope they decide on specific actions and outcomes, but you never lose sight that the journey is theirs to take. You are their thinking partner. They choose the direction, clarify the options, and make the decisions.

Clients must know you are coaching to help them work through their dilemmas, not to persuade them to do what is right. They must know you trust their intelligence and serve their higher good, not your own. This intention helps them feel safe, even when they feel vulnerable.

To maintain your intention of partnership, choose to feel open and curious to what will unfold. You are listening for thinking patterns to examine together, not answers that match your beliefs. You are curious about their assumptions, not judging whether they are right or wrong. As they search for evidence to support their beliefs, you may notice contradictions in their reasoning. With reflective statements, questions, and moments of silence, trust they will adequately question their own thinking. They will trust you in return.

Remember, your intention isn’t to get somewhere, fix their problem, or make them into someone else. You are their thinking partner. Your purpose is to broaden their perspective to find the answers they probably knew all along.

BELIEVE IN YOUR CLIENT’S POTENTIAL

Humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow said feeling cared about, accepted, and respected is necessary before we can realize our full potential of consciousness and creativity. We long to be heard, be understood, and feel significant. We must be seen by others before we can know ourselves.

These days, with our eyes glued to phones and computers, we don’t see each other. We barely know each other much less accept each other for the unique, amazing beings we are. Our habits squeeze out time for establishing real connections. We have little tolerance for conversations that go beneath the surface.

We all seek the safety to be who we are in the company of others. This safety is lost when you jump to fix problems, assuage emotions, or try to persuade clients to feel empowered. These actions reflect your belief they are inadequate. If their brains detect even a likelihood that the conversation will feel patronizing or contrived, they become defensive or mentally retreat. Connection is lost.

Not believing in people’s potential to solve their own problems creates what journalist Johann Hari calls parodies of connection where the humanity in people is invisible when we interact.⁵ In coaching, the power dynamics shift away from partnering. Clients leave conversations feeling betrayed or frustrated. This makes future attempts at connecting even harder. You both lose when you give in to your urge to fix your clients’ problems.

People must feel valued to fully engage and be open to growing. The sense of significance we feel when we know others value who we are and what we do fuels our motivation when facing difficult dilemmas. Therefore, your belief in your clients’ potential, that they are creative, resourceful, and whole, is critical to the outcome.

Practice seeing potential in all people you interact with. The next people you meet, look them in the eye. No matter if you agree with what they are saying, honor the human in front of you, knowing they are doing their best to survive and succeed with what they know. Hopefully, you can help them realize what else they can know.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

The following list highlights the key points to remember about aligning your brain to create the energetic bond needed to successfully coach the person, not the problem:

• Presence gives you the awareness of what is occurring in yourself, in the person you are with, and in the space between you.
• You need to take three steps to groom your brain before a coaching conversation to establish a sense of psychological safety: (1) choose how you want to feel, (2) recall your intention of partnership, and (3) believe in the client’s potential.
• The emotions you choose to feel before and during the coaching conversation have more impact on the outcome than your words.
• If you are truly there to help clients think, you must let their thoughts have a mind of their own. Remain open and curious to what unfolds.
• Coaching conversations require you feel respect for the human in front of you to inspire their willingness to learn and grow. See them, value their existence, and believe in their potential.

Practice aligning your brain regularly until this mental state feels natural. Align your brain before you start your day, when you prepare for any conversation, before you sit down to answer emails, and as you prepare for having a good night’s sleep. You can then control your mind when your emotions are triggered.

Use this four-step Presencing routine to align your brain before a coaching conversation and anytime you are distracted by your thoughts and emotions.

The four steps consist of the following:

1. Relax your body.
2. Detach from the thoughts in your head.
3. Center your awareness.
4. Focus on the emotion you want to feel.

Step 1. Relax Your Body

You must release the tension in your body before you can clear your mind and shift your emotions.

Stress from daily functions shows up in your body. Your muscles tighten, your breathing stops or slows down, your jaw clenches, your stomach churns, and your shoulders move toward your ears.

Telling yourself to calm down helps only for a few seconds. You must actively shift your biological state before you can control what is going on in your brain.

First, focus on your breath. When stressed, you stop or shorten your breathing. The quickest way to relieve stress is to exhale and then let your breathing return to a normal, easy rhythm.

Next, release any tension you are holding in your neck, back, arms, and legs. If you know where you tend to hold tension, go there. Breathe in and relax those spots. If you aren’t sure where to focus, do a quick body scan, releasing tension in each part of your body. Start with your forehead and jaw; then move to your shoulders, chest, stomach, arms, and legs. Breathe and release your tension at various times throughout the day. You will have more energy when you need it.

To sustain relaxation, regularly engage in activities that release tension. Try meditation, yoga, or other calming practices. Participate in fun team sports. Do exercises you enjoy. Go dancing. Seek an activity that evokes pleasure and gratitude, such as walking in the park or hiking in the desert, playing with your children or pets, or making time in your schedule for your favorite hobby.

My favorite form of a quick tension reliever is looking at my “favorite pictures” album on my cell phone. The joy and gratitude I feel instantly spreads a sense of well-being throughout my body.

You can also deliberately slow down your life. Eat more slowly, drive more leisurely, and walk at a gentler pace. To consistently clear your mind, lighten up your body.

Step 2. Detach from the Thoughts in Your Head

After you relax your body, free up your mind by detaching from the chatter in your brain. Clean out the clutter—your worries about your impact as a coach, fears around the ongoing relationship, and troubles outside of coaching. You can enter the flow state of coaching only with a clear mind.

You can see this phenomenon at work when you do something just for the fun of it. When you have nothing to lose, you’re likely to do your best. You deliver a top-notch speech, dance with abandon, or write an inspiring piece.

Start your practice of detaching by stopping your thoughts for one minute while observing the world around you. If your mind drifts or you start judging, analyzing, or evaluating, let your thoughts float away. Return to noticing the details of the world around you for sixty seconds.

Tomorrow, increase your practice to two minutes. Each day see how much longer you can go before your brain fills up with thoughts.

Step 3. Center Your Awareness

Many eastern philosophies teach that the true center of the mind lies in the center of the body. To get there, you move your awareness out of your head and down into your core—an act known as centering.

Athletes, performers, and martial artists are taught to move their awareness to their diaphragm or a spot just below the navel. Some people find their center by noticing the bottom of their breath when filling their belly with air. I teach my students to recall a moment in their life when they stood or spoke up despite their fears and then notice the strength emanating from the center of their bodies. Feeling courageous—having guts—opens the center of your body.

Once a day, take a few moments to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and notice the center of your body. Keep your awareness there for as long as you can.

When you are comfortable keeping your awareness out of your head and at your center, add a variety of activities to your practice. Play sports, read, listen to music, or hike while focusing your awareness on the center of your body. From this new perspective, you’ll begin to see and hear more details. You will move with both strength and calmness.

Then you can take centering into your social interactions. Just the act of speaking and listening from your center builds rapport with others. They feel safer with you. They will hear what you say more clearly.

Whenever you are having difficulty staying present, place one hand lightly on your belly and tap your fingers. This brings your attention out of your head and into your body. Remind yourself to breathe.

As with all new habits, centering requires daily practice. Give your self time to master it. Start your practice in nonthreatening situations. Stay consistent with daily practice so centering becomes a habit instead of a technique.

Step 4. Focus on the Emotion You Want to Feel

After relaxing, detaching, and centering, choose one or two emotions you want to feel while coaching. Consider how you want your clients to feel at the end of your interaction. Do you want them to feel hopeful, encouraged, curious, or proud? You might choose to feel the way you want your clients to feel while coaching.

Before I coach, I breathe in the feelings “curious and care.” I have these words on a piece of paper within my range of vision. If I get flustered or feel the urge to advise, I glance at my paper. I breathe in and feel curious and care for my client. The right words always show up.