Step 3
Set Achievable Goals
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“The reason most people never reach their goals is
that they don't define them, or ever seriously
consider them as believable or achievable. Winners
can tell you where they are going, what they plan
to do along the way, and who will be sharing the
adventure with them.”
Denis Watley
Having gathered all the information about what you want, you will have begun to clarify just what you do, and do not, want to achieve. Goals are about what we really want and desire. Setting clear and strong goals that you can visualise triggers your creative subconscious to create the energy and creativity to reach the goal. We as humans are quite naturally goal-orientated; in our daily lives there is a sequence of mini goals – be it getting to work, what we want to achieve in each day, what we are going to eat – and longer-term goals – such as looking forward to a holiday, planning Christmas and so forth.
If you want to succeed, you set clear goals. Without goals, you lack focus and direction. Goal setting not only allows you to take control of your life's direction; it also provides you with a benchmark for determining whether you are actually succeeding. For example, having a million dollars in the bank is only proof of success if one of your goals is to amass riches. If your goal is to practise acts of charity, then keeping the money for yourself would be contrary to how you would define success: the goal would be how you charitably distributed the wealth.
To accomplish your goals you need to know how to set them. You cannot simply say, “I want” and expect it to happen. So Step 3 (Set achievable goals) is about how to set goals in the most efficient, clear way.
Goals can sometimes be too far away from where we are at present. You may ask, “How can I achieve it?” Cognitive psychology explains that, provided we can see the result clearly and provided that we are emotionally committed, we can achieve the goal. It is important to set goals that:
- Motivate you.
- Are SMART.
- You are able to visualise.
When you set goals for yourself, it is important that they motivate you: this means making sure that they are important to you and that there is value in achieving them. If you have little interest in the outcome, or they are irrelevant given the larger picture, then the chances of you putting in the work to make them happen are slim. Motivation is key to achieving goals. It is important that goals are based on constructive motivation as opposed to coercive motivation. Constructive motivation is based on personal values, desires and rewards. Coercive motivation is based on fears and “musts”; it is the “carrot” versus the “stick” approach.
The most achievable goals tend to relate to the high priorities in your life. Without this type of focus, you can end up with far too many goals, leaving you too little time to devote to each one. Goal achievement requires commitment to maximise the likelihood of success, choosing a single goal where you experience a sense of urgency and having a strong desire for the outcome is more likely to result in that goal being achieved. When you don't have this, you risk putting off taking the action to making the goal a reality because it is just not that important to you.
To make sure your goal is motivating, write down why it's valuable and important to you. Ask yourself, “If I were to share my goal with others, what would I tell them to convince them it was a worthwhile goal?” You can use this motivating value statement to help you if you start to doubt yourself or lose confidence in your ability to actually make the goal happen.
SMART Goals
You have probably heard of “SMART” goals. But do you always apply the rule? The simple fact is that for goals to be powerful they are best when designed to be SMART. There are many variations of what SMART stands for, but the essence is this:
- Specific.
- Measurable.
- Attainable.
- Realistic.
- Time bound.
Specific Goals
Ensure your goal is clear and well defined. Vague or generalized goals are unhelpful because they don't provide sufficient direction. If you say I want to lose weight, get fitter, work harder, be more successful, these statements do not give a clear picture as to exactly what that means. Being specific is about identifying what “fitter” or “successful”, for example, means. For some, it may mean being able to run for the bus without becoming breathless; for others it may be completing an “Iron Man” challenge. Goals show you the way. Make it as easy as you can to get where you want to go by defining precisely where you want to end up.
Measurable Goals
State specific amounts, dates and so on in your goals so you can measure your degree of success. If your goal is simply defined as “To cut down on expenditure”, how will you know when you have been successful?
When you say you want to cut down on your expenses, you have to tell yourself by how much and within what timeframe. Without a way to measure your success, you miss out on the sense of success that comes with knowing you have actually achieved what you set out to do.
Attainable Goals
Make sure that it's possible to achieve the goals you set. Setting a goal that you have no hope of achieving will guarantee failure and may leave you vulnerable to disturbing yourself. If are unfit and over 50, it is unlikely that you will become an astronaut. So why set yourself up for that fall?
Goals that are too easy, on the other hand, can be unrewarding. Setting challenging yet realistic goals is a good balance, the degree of difficulty is achievable with effort and so you experience satisfaction on completion. For example, setting the goal that you wish to pay off a mortgage in one year when you have a £250,000 mortgage and you earn £30,000 per annum would be unachievable unless you buy lottery tickets and get very lucky. A realistic goal would be to draw up a savings plan that could reduce your mortgage in a set number of years based on a realistic appraisal of the amount you could save.
Realistic Goals
The most effective goals are congruent with reality. Unrealistic goals are less likely to be achieved. One of the most common initial goals we come across with our clients is the “I want to be happy” one. This goal is unrealistic: is it realistic to be happy at all times? No, in reality everyone experiences times of sadness or frustration during their lifetimes. Realistic goals are based on what is evidenced and can be tested in reality. It is unrealistic to set a goal to achieve a size 48-inch chest in the next three weeks when you have 40-inch chest. No matter how many protein drinks you take or visits to the gym you make, the desired goal is unrealistic. However, to increase your chest measurement in three months by 2 cm is more realistic.
Time Bound Goals
Goals that have clear timelines are effective. It maintains focus and motivation if you have a clear timeline. You can introduce critical points of achievement in the timeline to remind yourself you are on track. This enables you to enjoy small successes along the way. When you have a stated time to focus towards, your sense of urgency and energy is triggered and achievement will be far more likely.
Example 1: Set achievable goals – A timeline
- Five-year goal: Become manager.
- Six-month goal: Start on management training course.
- One-month goal: Sign up for the training course.
- One-week goal: Find out how to sign up for the training course.
- Today's goal: Call HR to make an appointment to discuss the training course.
As you can see from this example, breaking big goals down into smaller, more manageable goals makes it far easier to see how the goal will get accomplished and gives you a clear timeline.
The physical act of writing down a goal makes it real and tangible. You have no excuse for forgetting about it. As you write, use the word “will” instead of “would like to” or “may”. For example, “I will reduce my expenditure by one-third this year” not “I would like to reduce my expenditure by one-third this year.”
The first goal statement is deterministic and suggests you have chosen and committed to this action. The second lacks conviction and commitment when using the conditional. It implies an option, from which you are more likely to be sidetracked. For example, if you visualise, “I will get my tax return done”, you get an image of submitting or posting it. If you do the same with “I may get my tax return done”, you may get an image of lots of papers and experience a sense of cloudy confusion or anxiety.
Take time to write the SMART goal that is important to you.
Example: Set achievable goals – Being SMART
Write down your general goal.
“Become a recognised international festival blogger and create a handbook on world festivals.”
Having thought about what you want, gathered the information and decided what your goal is, it is now time to create a SMART goal around the general goal.
Specific
Ask questions about exactly what you want: in the above example you would ask yourself questions such as:
Question: What does “recognised” mean and by whom would I be recognised?
Answer: Book in all good bookshops in major cities around the world. Major travel agents would use the book and blog as a reference.
Question: Who would read my blog and who is my audience?
Answer: The blog would be the main reference site for festival goers around the world.
Getting specific really helps you to refine exactly what you want in a clearly identified way. You may find you discard some previous ideas as you apply this process until you have a very clear compelling goal you can visualise easily.
Measurable
Question: How much income do I wish to receive? (And so how many books would you have to sell?)
Answer: Work out an income you want from your goal (include paying start-up costs).
Question: How many visits to my website would there be for success?
Answer: Having fact found you would have an idea as to how many views would be appropriate for each country you have identified as relevant to you.
Achievable
Question: Is this an achievable goal – is it possible?
Answer: Yes, in appropriate timeframe, I have done my fact finding and there is little competition in the field.
Realistic
Question: In reality, would this product/book be of interest to people?
Answer: From my fact finding I discovered that there are over 10 million people worldwide who go to festivals annually.
Question: Is it realistic, considering my current situation, that I can achieve this?
Answer: I have created a situation that will support this goal.
Time bound
Question: Is the timeframe in which I want to achieve this goal possible?
Answer: Most probably; however, it may need some adaptation as I progress through the steps.
Write the goals in a timeline, as illustrated in the above example.
While developing your vision within the SMART model, you will begin to adapt it until you have a very clearly defined goal and set of subgoals. You may find that, as you question each stage of the SMART model, you don't end up where you began this process.
Obstacles to Step 3: Set Achievable Goals
Having completed the two previous steps, you are on track to achieving your goal. You have gathered all the information, perhaps having discussed your goal with friends or family. You may be experiencing a sense of excitement about working towards your goal, but somehow you are not able to carry out the vital step of goal setting. People avoid or give up during this step because of the following obstacles:
- I don't know how to goal set.
- It is too difficult and too much effort to goal set.
- I no longer desire what I want.
- Goal setting is a step closer to my taking action, which makes me feel anxious.
Obstacle 1: “I don't know how to goal set” and how to overcome it
When you begin to consider goal setting for the first time, you do so knowing that you have never attempted anything like this before. And so it would be quite natural not to know how to complete this step without reading and completing the exercises in the previous section. If, however, you find yourself putting off reading the chapter or not completing the exercises, it is possible you are holding an unhealthy irrational belief about not knowing how to goal set.
Unhealthy beliefs will be around the general theme of:
I must perform well or outstandingly at all times.
When you avoid this step, or find yourself giving up at this point, You may be holding irrational beliefs that include this unhealthy demand and the three possible derivative beliefs of awfulising, LFT and self-damning. It will look something like the following:
- I absolutely must know how to goal set. It is awful if I don't. I cannot stand it and it proves I am stupid.
When we make demands like the ones above we are not accepting the fact that it is acceptable to “not know” how to do something. Many of us hold an unhealthy irrational belief that we absolutely must know how to do something, regardless of whether we have learnt it or not. Just because other people know how to do it, whatever it is (in this case goal setting), we make an assumption that everyone knows how to do it and somehow you “should” know it too. There is a tendency to think along the following lines:
- It must be obvious. What's wrong with me? If I don't know how to do this, how will I ever succeed?
- I can't do this. I am stupid.
- What's the matter with me? Why don't I know how to do this?
- I don't how to do this, so now I will never be able to get what I want.
If you demand that you must know how to goal set before you have even learnt how to do this, it will lead to failing this task, which can then lead to further unhealthy beliefs about lack of achievement and being a failure. These beliefs tend to provoke unhealthy and negative emotions, such as anxiety and depression.
Reality Check
When you hold unhealthy beliefs, one of the first things to do is to check whether that belief is based in reality. There is no universal law that states you must know how to do something without being taught how to do it. Further, no universal law states we have to perform well at all times or achieve something in our lifetimes. It does, however, appear that although learning may be explicit (information that is specifically learnt, e.g. driving a car) or implicit (information we absorb without paying attention, e.g. learning your native language) we generally cannot carry out tasks or actions we have not learnt. It is unrealistic to hold a demand that we can do something that we have no experience of or have never been shown how to do. Universal laws, such as the existence of gravity or the fact that the earth rotates around the sun, are immutable and unquestionable; the belief that you can do something first off without anyone showing you how to is not. If knowing how to do something were a universal law, we would all be born with a knowledge of everything and be able to talk, drive a car, tie a shoelace and goal set the moment we were born! The reality is we know how to do things when we have learnt or been taught how to do them.
Common Sense
It is quite natural when you see other people seemingly going through life with perfect ease that you want your life to be the same and just “know” how to do everything you could ever think of; after all, who wouldn't? However, wanting or desiring something is not the same as demanding that it must be so. It does not make sense that just because you want something, in this case “knowing how to”, it must be so. Imagine a demand that everyone must know a particular ancient dialect of a language that only a few people speak and it is demanded that you know just because you want to even though you have not been taught it or exposed to it. It makes no sense. We often make demands upon ourselves that make no sense. When we apply a little scrutiny, we often realise how illogical these demands are.
Helpfulness
The demand “I must absolutely know how to goal set” when attempting to goal set is not helpful. Holding this belief would provoke anxiety and avoidant behaviour at any point through the process of goal setting. This avoidant behaviour or tendency to do so may well sabotage your chances of completing this important step of identifying clearly your chosen goal.
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Awfulising
Awfulising is an unhealthy/irrational belief that when a demand is not fulfilled the badness is viewed as 100% or more bad (i.e. end-of-the-world bad, nothing else is worse in that moment). It is often expressed as: “It is a disaster”, “It is awful/terrible/horrible”, “It is a catastrophe” or “It is the end of the world.”
In this case, with goal setting, awfulising beliefs can provoke feelings of anxiety and a tendency for avoidance. It inhibits you from achieving goal setting and of achieving your bigger goal, identified in Steps 1 and 2.
Reality Check
Holding the belief “not knowing how to goal set is more than 100% bad, and is awful” when you consider the reality of the situation does not hold true. There is no evidence that when you don't know how to do something it is beyond bad, that it is awful. Of course, it is not great to “not know how to do something”, especially when you can see others being able to do something you want to be able to do. In reality, it is not awful, though it may be uncomfortable and challenging.
Common Sense
Does it make any sense? Holding the belief that you must know how to goal set and not knowing how to would be awful does not make sense. If you consider not knowing as bad does it follow that it is awful? Yes, view it as bad but stop disturbing yourself by exaggerating the badness and making it the end of the world. It is not.
Helpfulness
Beliefs that are helpful to us support our wishes and goals. They support us to achieve what we want. Holding the belief that not knowing how to goal set is so bad that it is awful does not support us. It provokes anxiety, which leads to avoidant behaviour and stops us from learning how, in this instance, to goal set. Holding this belief is unhelpful.
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Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)
LFT is a belief that underestimates your ability to cope with an adverse event and is often expressed as: “It is intolerable”, “I can't cope”, “I can't stand it” or “It is too hard.”
In this case, it is linked to the demand “I absolutely must know how to goal set.” You experience thoughts that you cannot stand it, that it is unbearable and you cannot cope with not knowing how to goal set.
Reality Check
Is there any evidence to substantiate this belief in the real world? There is no evidence to be found in the belief that you cannot stand not knowing how to goal set. You will not shatter into tiny pieces when you do not know how to goal set. You can tolerate not knowing how to goal set, and even though you may find it frustrating or irritating it does not mean because you do not know how to goal set you cannot tolerate the discomfort or cannot learn how to goal set.
Common Sense
Accepting that it is frustrating or irritating when you do not know how to goal set makes sense. Believing that you cannot tolerate not knowing how to goal set does not. It does not follow that it is unbearable or intolerable when you do not know how to do something, even if it is irritating or frustrating at first.
Helpfulness
It does not help you to believe that not knowing how to goal set is intolerable. For a start, this attitude would provoke anxiety just when you start to think about the task at hand (i.e. goal setting). When we hold an LFT belief that provokes anxiety we tend to avoid what we are anxious about. We find remarkably creative ways of avoiding what we are anxious about. Rather than tolerate not knowing and learning how to set goals, we focus on the fact that we don't know and then divert our attention to other tasks, such as cleaning or filling in a tax return.
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Self-damning
Self-damning is an unhealthy/irrational and wholly negative judgement of oneself based on the non-fulfilment of a demand. Often expressed as, “I'm worthless”, “I'm not good enough”, “I'm a failure” or “I'm stupid” and so on.
Holding the unhealthy belief “I absolutely must be able to know how to goal set” can lead to the belief “Because I don't know how to goal set, I am stupid or not good enough.” This self-damning belief can lead to feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness as we believe we are somehow “less than others”. This global self-rating is something many people do when some condition they demand must be fulfilled is not.
Reality Check
You are wrong if you demand to know how to goal set and if you do not you are stupid. This is a self-damning belief. When you globally rate yourself, you exclude all other evidence to the contrary. Global self-damning deletes all previous experiences or knowledge that will have included strengths, successes, weaknesses and failures. This labelling of the self is not based on reality. It is not true that you are stupid because, in this example, you do not know how to goal set. If we continue with that belief, it could be said that everyone who does not know how to goal set is stupid. There is no evidence to support this statement. There is no evidence that goal setting is an innate human ability.
Common Sense
It doesn't make sense to rate yourself in this black-and-white way based on the non-fulfilment of a demand. It doesn't make sense to think that if I don't take action or commit to my goal then everything about me becomes stupid, useless, weak or lazy. It doesn't follow logically to judge yourself in this global way because of a specific failing (i.e. not knowing how to set a goal).
Helpfulness
Holding the belief “I am stupid” is unhelpful and does not support you in achieving your goal. It serves no purpose in pursuit of your longer-term goal. Does this belief help you gain confidence and success? What belief would be more helpful to you? There is no amount of unhelpful thinking that will help you achieve what you want.
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Case study: Josie – I must know how to set goals
Josie had always had her goals set by someone other than herself. Be it which degree to take or even what career to pursue, she had been guided by parental influence. Her first job was through a family friend and career steps had been helped by people her family or friends knew. After a successful career in PR, she had become bored by her life. It had been the same for the last eight years and, although successful in her current role, she began to feel that life was passing her by.
Though she found it challenging at first, Josie started looking at ideas about her future, and became clearer about what she might like to do with the next phase of her life. She identified after some fact finding that she wanted to get involved in international development. She had identified some courses but was now struggling to clearly goal set using the SMART principles. Her unhealthy belief about insisting that she should know how to do this next stage was:
I absolutely must know how to do SMART goals. If I couldn't do SMART goals, it would be awful and mean I was incompetent.
This belief led Josie to have thoughts like:
- What's wrong with me?
- Why can't I do this?
- Everyone else seems to know how to do this. I should know how to do this.
- Am I so incompetent? How come I don't know? I must know!
- I'll never be able to change if I can't do this.
Solution
For Josie to get on with this next step and set herself SMART goals, changing her irrational unhealthy belief to one that is more healthy and rational, will enable her to begin setting her goals.
I strongly prefer to know how to set goals but I do not have to know. It is bad but not awful and it does not mean I am incompetent. I am a fallible, worthwhile human being regardless.
In reality it will take time and effort for Josie to start feeling comfortable while setting her goals. It is important for Josie to consistently practise her new healthy belief while experiencing some discomfort while doing so. After a period of time repeating her rational belief, Josie has become adept at setting herself SMART goals and is currently studying her MSc in international development.
Obstacle 2: “It is too difficult and too much effort to goal set” and how to overcome it
Thoughts like “goal setting is difficult or too much effort” are provoked by an unhealthy belief about effort and difficulty. Unhealthy beliefs will be around the general theme of:
Life must be easy, comfortable and effortless.
Some beliefs that may be held around this theme are:
- Goal setting must not be too hard or difficult to do. It's intolerable when it is.
- Goal setting must not be too difficult. I cannot stand it when it is.
- I must find goal setting easy and not too hard. It's intolerable when it is too hard.
There are a large variety of beliefs around this central theme as well as the more specific ones above.
The above demands cannot be fulfilled, and will not allow you to accept that goal setting can be hard and take effort. By holding the unhealthy belief that it must not be so, you will disturb yourself to the level that you will avoid the discomfort of doing it and ultimately will fail at this task. Accepting that goal setting may be difficult and require some effort, that you may not enjoy it all the time either, are not reasons to give up.
Reality Check
There is no evidence that life has to be easy and effortless or comfortable. We all prefer it that way, but reality tells us life is not always so. There is no universal law that goal setting must be easy and not too difficult. Difficulties can be overcome and not all experiences are easy or effortless. When we hold a demand that they should be easy or effortless, we will attempt to avoid the tasks that provoke feelings of discomfort and effort and not attempt this next step (of goal setting).
Common Sense
It is perfectly reasonable to wish that life were comfortable and easy and nothing were too difficult. However, it does not follow just because you wish or desire it so that it must be so. You will have learnt as a young child that you couldn't always have what you wanted and you learnt resilience to the discomfort of not having what you want. You can accept the fact that you may want something to be so – in this case that goal setting is easy – but it may not be so.
Helpfulness
The belief that goal setting must be easy and not too difficult is unhelpful. The demand would provoke anxiety at the thought of goal setting and lead you to avoidant behaviour. It would sabotage your goals, as you look for more effortless tasks than goal setting.
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Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)
LFT is a belief that underestimates your ability to cope with an adverse event and is often expressed as: “It is intolerable”, “I can't cope”, “I can't stand it” or “It is too hard.”
Reality Check
It is completely untrue that you cannot tolerate difficulty or effort. You will not explode if you do find goal setting difficult or hard. To believe that you cannot stand goal setting because it is too much effort and is difficult would mean that when you considered goal setting you would break into little pieces – this is clearly not true. You may not like it and may find it frustrating or uncomfortable. But you can tolerate and stand it.
Common Sense
It is true that you may find goal setting difficult and frustrating but believing that the difficulty and frustration is therefore intolerable does not make sense. Something that is frustrating and difficult is not intolerable or unbearable. You do cope with difficult things.
Helpfulness
There is nothing helpful to you in holding the belief that you cannot tolerate the difficulty of goal setting. It would provoke anxiety when you even began to think about the task of goal setting and you would be more likely to avoid, or distract yourself from, doing the task. You may choose to do something else less difficult and more comfortable. It is helpful to remember that when we choose short-term comfort over short-term discomfort we often experience long-term disappointment.
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Case study: Ruben – Goal setting must be easy and not too difficult
Ruben, 24, is in his final year at university studying law. He doesn't know what he wants to do after university. Everyone in his family is asking what he is planning to do next. His father is putting a lot of pressure on him to answer his questions about his plans. Ruben wants to get on with his finals and finds thinking about his future in a constructive way very hard. He has some idea of what he wants to do but is struggling to set goals for himself. He tries to avoid talking about his ideas and wants to put off making these plans. As the year progresses, most of his peers are setting their goals, but he is struggling to do this. Ruben has always had goals set for him by his family and up until now has been happy for others to guide him. He hadn't realised it was so difficult. He is beginning to feel frustrated and anxious.
He believes that:
I must find goal setting easy and not too difficult; otherwise, I cannot stand doing it.
Ruben has been experiencing a really flat mood and doing everything other than his college work or goal setting. He knows that if he is not careful he will miss the opportunity of the “milk round” of major employers and his anxiety is increasing. His unhealthy belief provokes further unhelpful thinking along the lines of:
- I cannot be bothered with anything.
- I do not know what I want.
- Why can't everyone leave me alone?
- I cannot stand the thought of making plans. It all seems too difficult.
- I am too tired. I'll do it tomorrow.
Ruben continues to avoid looking at goal setting and is becoming increasingly anxious, and to party and drink more. He excuses from applying himself to setting his goals because of hangovers and tiredness.
Solution
For Ruben to get on with goal setting, he should challenge the demand that goal setting not be too difficult, and he should tell himself that he can tolerate his feelings even if it isn't easy. To challenge his unhealthy beliefs, he must repeat to himself with some conviction:
I would really prefer that goal setting be easy but it does not have to be. I may find it difficult but I can stand it.
Holding a healthy belief will enable Ruben to get on and goal set as it will provoke less discomfort than his unhealthy belief. Although he may not find the task easy, he will – by holding a healthier, more helpful belief – be able to complete the task. He will be able to overcome any discomfort caused by it being difficult by accepting that it will be difficult. This will enable him to experience a sense of satisfaction, knowing that he has completed the task despite its difficulty. In fact, Ruben, by getting on with his goal setting, discovered it is easier than he thought and he has decided to go on to postgraduate studies.
Obstacle 3: “I no longer desire what I want” and how to overcome it
After spending some time and energy in identifying what it is you want, you find yourself starting to become unsure that what you have identified is really want you want to do. This may trigger feelings of anxiety as you realise you still are uncertain of what you want. Coming to terms with the fact that it may take a few attempts to discover what you wish to commit your time and energy to is normal – many of us experience this. Knowing and accepting this will help you return to Step 1 (Identify what you want) and look again at what you want.
Unhealthy beliefs will be around the general theme of:
I must perform well or outstandingly at all times.
More specific beliefs may be:
- I must know what I want to do in my life.
- I must be able to set clear goals.
and may lead to further derivative beliefs, such as:
- I cannot stand the fact I am not able to set clear goals after all this effort.
- I must know what I want in life. The fact that I do not is awful.
- I am useless: the fact that I do not know what I want proves it.
Reality Check
The demand “I must know what I want to do in my life” is not realistic. Is there a universal law that states that we must know what we want to do? No. If that were the case, everyone would always be in a state of knowing what they wanted at all times. It is obvious this demand is not consistent with reality.
Common Sense
Insist or demand, in this case, “to know what you want”, does not make sense. Just because you demand something does not make it happen. It would be preferable if you didn't have doubts or uncertainties, but it doesn't make sense to demand that it must be so.
Helpfulness
Demands are unhelpful. They provoke unhealthy negative emotions, in this case anxiety, which will hinder any progress to achieving your desired outcome. Helpful beliefs, based on preferences rather than absolutist demands, do not provoke anxiety and so you will be able to think clearly and have a greater likelihood of success.
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Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)
LFT is a belief that underestimates your ability to cope with an adverse event and is often expressed as: “It is intolerable”, “I can't cope”, “I can't stand it” or “It is too hard.”
Reality Check
Finding that not knowing what you want after the first two steps is so frustrating that you cannot stand it is not true when you scrutinise the belief and compare it to reality. It simply is not true that you cannot stand it. You may not like it – you may feel frustrated and fed up – but it is something you can stand. Everyone experiences frustration in life, and most often when we do not get our desires met; however, we do not crumple when our desires are not met. In reality, we experience frustration, it passes and we work on finding a solution.
Common Sense
It does not follow that because you do not know what you want to do with your life after the first two steps you cannot stand the feeling of frustration. It makes no sense to believe that “you cannot stand” the fact that you do not know what you want to do, even though you have invested time and energy into the process of trying to discover what it is. It is natural to experience frustration. It does not make sense to believe that you cannot stand it. You can and you will.
Helpfulness
The belief “I cannot stand not knowing after all the effort I have already invested” is unhelpful. It will provoke anxiety, and when we feel anxious we tend to avoid whatever we believe is provoking the anxiety. Holding this LFT belief will stop you proceeding and continuing to consider further what it is you really want to do, and so becomes unhelpful to you.
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Awfulising
Awfulising is an unhealthy/irrational belief that when a demand is not fulfilled the badness is viewed as 100% or more bad (i.e. end-of-the-world bad, nothing else is worse in that moment). It is often expressed as: “It is a disaster”, “It is awful/terrible/horrible”, “It is a catastrophe” or “It is the end of the world.”
Reality Check
Is it awful that you do not know what you want in life even after putting effort and energy into thinking about it? When you hold a belief that something is awful, you hold as true that it is the very worst thing that could happen. It is more than 100% bad. Is it, in fact, so?
Common Sense
It does not follow that not knowing what you want after the first two steps is so bad that there is nothing worse. At this stage it may be bad not to know what you want, but it isn't the end of the world.
Helpfulness
Is the belief “not knowing” at this stage so awful that there is nothing worse, helpful to you? Well, the answer is no. Of course, there are worse things. Keep in mind that when you hold unhelpful anxiety-provoking beliefs such as these they will not help you achieve your goals.
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Self-damning
Self-damning is an unhealthy/irrational and wholly negative judgement of oneself based on the non-fulfilment of a demand. Often expressed as, “I'm worthless”, “I'm not good enough”, “I'm a failure” or “I'm stupid” and so on.
Reality Check
People are people with differing skills and abilities. This includes you. We are all unique. We all have varying strengths and weaknesses. These do not make the person. You possess both genetic factors, which will influence your abilities, and learnt adaptive responses, according to the experiences in your life. To globally rate yourself negatively and, in this example, as “useless” on the basis of not being able to “know what you want to do having done the first two steps” is unrealistic and simply not true. It is inaccurate, to say the least.
Common Sense
Not only is there no evidence to support the belief you are “useless” but also it makes no sense to hold this belief about yourself. It does not follow that because you cannot do one thing your entire being is now condemned to being “useless”. This implies that you are now incapable of doing anything.
Helpfulness
As you consider the above two arguments, ask yourself whether this belief is helpful to you.
Do you think that this self-damning global belief about yourself will help you know what you want to do? Or lead you to begin discovering what it is you may want to do? Do you think this belief will be helpful in getting you to return to Steps 1 and 2 for a second, or maybe even a third, time? Probably not.
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Case study: Nancy – I must know what I want
Nancy is 43 years old and perceives herself stuck in her job as a nanny. She comes from a high-achieving family; all her siblings are living their lives seemingly, successfully. Her parents are both successful, dedicated professionals. Nancy is smart and in her life has always played the role of “the joker” in the family, never taking herself or life too seriously – everyone enjoys her company.
She earns barely enough to survive. Her family top up her income in various ways. Nancy has been thinking about making changes to her life and has been thinking about becoming a nursery school teacher. She has gathered information and looked at different courses she would like to go on and has begun to focus on setting some clear goals. Nancy is finding this step of creating clear goals really tough and has started to adopt all kinds of avoidant strategies to interrupt her progress. She blames lack of time, broken computers and other people's problems for not finding the time. She uses humour to deflect attention away from her avoidant behaviour. Nancy is becoming increasingly anxious and uses jokes to avoid the fact that she does not know what she wants to do and to hide this from her family.
Her unhealthy belief is:
I absolutely must know what I want to do now I have come so far. I cannot stand not knowing. I always knew I was a “flake”.
She has increasing feelings of doubt and panic each time she thinks of teaching. Every time she thinks about setting out her clear goals and applying herself to the task, she begins to think along the following lines:
- I'm not sure: is it really what I want?
- What if there is something else?
- Why am I not sure? This seemed such a good idea earlier.
- I have never completed anything. I am such a “flake”.
Nancy then continues with her avoidant behaviour. Her family are concerned about her but struggle to find a solution other than throwing money “at the problem”. This self-defeating behaviour of Nancy's is sabotaging her confidence and abilities to the point she does not believe she can do anything other than be “the joker”. When people meet Nancy, they find an attractive, fun-loving outgoing personality with lots of confidence and ease in a social setting. She continues to insist she must know what to do, particularly having told her family about it. In reality, Nancy is becoming reclusive, and increasingly tired from her constant partying (her strategy for dealing with the anxiety provoked by her not knowing what she wants to do with her life).
Solution
For Nancy to get to grips with the problem, accepting that she may not know the answer even after having thought that she did would change her anxious state. She needs to see that she does not become a failure as a person if she goes back to the drawing board.
Her healthy preference belief would be:
I really prefer to know what I want to do after investing time in an idea, but I do not have to know. I may not like the fact I haven't discovered what I want to do with my life but I can stand it. I am a fallible human being who is worthwhile even if I do not know what I want to do after the first two steps.
As you can see in the above example, healthy beliefs are stated as a preference “I really prefer” and the demand is negated “but I do not have to know.”
Nancy then begins to change her behaviour and look again at other possibilities, by asking herself questions about what she wants to achieve in her life. When she begins to explore and think again about this, she will trigger her healthy belief. If she does not find something at this time, it is important for her to tolerate the discomfort and build a high frustration tolerance (HFT) of not knowing and repeating the healthy belief that she “will strongly prefer to know but does not have to know” right now. It is important when we are changing our beliefs to practise repeatedly the new healthy belief with conviction. Whenever Nancy thinks she wants to give up as she follows the steps, it is important that at this time she repeats her healthy belief, which takes the pressure off her to find the answer. Over time, while continuing her search, she will enable herself to achieve the outcome she wants.
Obstacle 4: “Goal setting is a step closer to my taking action, which makes me feel anxious” and how to overcome it
This step of goal setting takes you nearer to achieving your longer-term goal. Anxiety can often be provoked by holding an unhealthy belief about the fact that you may have to do something and demanding that you do it well.
It is a demand around the theme of:
I must perform well at all times.
Other beliefs will occur around this theme, some examples are:
- I must do well and achieve the goals I set for myself.
- I must act on the goals I set myself. If I did not, it would be so awful, I could not tolerate it, and it would prove that I was a failure.
Reality Check
When we make demands that we must do certain things, we disturb ourselves, as these types of beliefs provoke feelings of anxiety and often depression, which make achieving the demand more difficult than when we hold a healthy belief. Beliefs that are healthy remain consistent with reality. There is no universal law that states you must carry out the goals you set for yourself. If there were, everyone whoever decided on their goals would then act on them. You can accept that you don't have to do anything even after you have set a goal. It's not a good thing to do, especially if you are passionate about your goal, but who says that you must do anything?
Common Sense
Holding the belief “I have set my goals so I must act and make them happen” does not make sense. It is natural that you desire to act on them. However, by demanding “they absolutely must happen” does not logically follow. There is a far greater possibility of completing your goals if you take the absolutist demand out of the equation.
Helpfulness
This demand that I must act on my goals is unhelpful. It does not make sense. It has no basis in reality, provokes feelings of anxiety and stops you from taking action. The more you insist that you must take action, the likelier you are to experience anxiety, which in turn will increase your tendency to want to avoid that feeling by carrying out distracting tasks. Most unhelpful.
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Awfulising
Awfulising is an unhealthy/irrational belief that when a demand is not fulfilled the badness is viewed as 100% or more bad (i.e. end-of-the-world bad, nothing else is worse in that moment). It is often expressed as: “It is a disaster”, “It is awful/terrible/horrible”, “It is a catastrophe” or “It is the end of the world.”
Reality Check
Remember that how you consider the amount of badness you attribute to not fulfilling your demands can also affect your developing confidence and achieving success. If you view badness in an extreme way, where you judge the circumstances as more than bad – that they are terrible or awful – you will provoke anxious feelings when faced with that set of circumstances. It is not realistic to believe that not acting on your goals would be awful. The fact of the matter is it would not be ideal but it would not mean your world had come to an end. Keep your beliefs consistent with reality.
Common Sense
There is no sense to the statement or belief “If I did not act on my goals once I have set them it would be awful.” The healthy belief that it would not be ideal to not act on your goals once you had set them and yet it would not be the end of the world makes sense and is logical.
Helpfulness
The third challenge we take to our beliefs is that of helpfulness. If a belief is not helpful to you, what purpose does it fulfil? Is it helpful for you to hold a belief that your world is going to come to an end if you do not take action on your set goals? A belief whereby you distort reality and scare yourself by viewing something to be so awful will hardly mobilise you into action.
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Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)
LFT is a belief that underestimates your ability to cope with an adverse event and is often expressed as: “It is intolerable”, “I can't cope”, “I can't stand it” or “It is too hard.”
Reality Check
It is not intolerable that you do not act on goals that you set. You may experience frustration, but that does not mean you cannot continue to complete this step. Believing you cannot tolerate or cope with this is not true. When you hold an LFT belief, you distort your perception of your ability to cope with this.
Common Sense
Does it really make sense to believe that not taking action after you have goal set is intolerable? It does not follow that, because you find it uncomfortable or frustrating, it is intolerable.
Helpfulness
Holding an LFT belief that provokes anxiety does not make sense, does not match reality and has little benefit to you. It will not help you achieve the bigger goals of being confident or achieve the success you wish for. You can tolerate discomfort even though you may not like it, but it does not mean you cannot complete this task, thereby bringing you a step nearer to your goal.
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Self-damning
Self-damning is an unhealthy/irrational and wholly negative judgement of oneself based on the non-fulfilment of a demand. Often expressed as, “I'm worthless”, “I'm not good enough”, “I'm a failure” or “I'm stupid” and so on.
Reality Check
Believing that if you do not take action after you have set your goals proves you are a failure is an unhealthy, self-damning belief. These types of belief rely on globally rating yourself about one single issue. It ignores all other accomplishments, successes and abilities. You have become a failure. This is just not true and is inaccurate. You are a human being who will make mistakes. We are all fallible, after all, and not always achieving what you set out to achieve does not make you a failure as a person. This belief would mean that every time anyone failed at doing anything they would automatically become a “failure” as a human being. This is not true.
Common Sense
It makes no sense to rate yourself in this rigid, self-damning manner. It doesn't make sense to hold the belief that if you don't act on your goal then you are a failure and it's now a proven fact. It does not follow logically to judge yourself in this global way because of a particular set of circumstances.
Helpfulness
If you are still holding the self-damning belief “I am a failure and will prove it if I do not act on my goals” consider whether holding this belief will help you achieve your goals or aid you in being more confident in yourself. You will find it is not helpful in either building your confidence or achieving success in what you want to do.
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Case study: Martha – I must demand action after goal setting
Martha is a 28-year-old mother of two, both of whom have been at school for two years. She is looking to develop a business idea she had before motherhood. The father of her children is supportive both emotionally and financially. She has completed gathering all the information around the wine business she wants to set up. She has financially started planning and begun to write a business plan. However, she continues to find other tasks to do. The children, their needs and activities constantly seem to take priority. Her husband has advised her to get some more help in so she can concentrate on getting her goals set and start planning and achieving her goal. Each time she tries to sit down and clearly identify what the next step is, she remembers something else she needs to do and goes and does that instead. She is becoming more and more frustrated and cross with herself and tries to avoid the subject whenever her husband mentions it.
Martha believes that if she specifically sets her goals then she is committed to making them happen. It looks like this:
I absolutely must take action and make my goals happen. If I don't, it would be awful and prove I was a failure.
This belief provokes anxiety whenever Martha considers getting on with clarifying her goals and provokes negative thoughts, such as:
- What happens if I cannot make this happen?
- I've wanted it for so long, maybe it's not really what I want.
- What will I do if I fail?
- What will I do if I get so successful? Who would look after the children?
- I've got to do this.
- I can't give up once I commit.
Martha distracts herself with lots of irrelevant tasks as she demands she will have to act after she has set the goals clearly.
Solution
Martha takes some time and really thinks about what she wants, decides she can set her goals and that it does not mean she has to take any further action. She challenges and changes her rigid anxiety-provoking belief about demanding that if she set her goals she has to then do them and be successful at them.
Martha's new healthy belief looks like this:
I really would prefer to get on with my goals after I have set them but I don't have to. It would not be awful and would not mean I was a failure, whether I took action or not. It is possible that I will not take action, but that would not mean I was a failure.
Martha goes on to goal set, finishes her business plan and decides that she will delay setting up the business until the children are a couple of years older. She goes on to complete the next step of creating a plan so she is ready to take action when the time fits better with family life. By changing her unhealthy belief she is able to complete this step of goal setting and looks forward to starting on the next step.
Exercise
- Identify the unhealthy beliefs that are sabotaging you setting your SMART goal.
- Question the unhealthy beliefs by using the following three checks:
Reality check.
Common sense.
Helpfulness.
- Write the healthy belief down.
- Identify the unhelpful excuses that maintain your unhealthy beliefs.
- Identify the unhelpful behaviours that maintain your unhealthy beliefs.
- List the benefits of achieving this step.
- Identify the helpful behaviours to achieve this step.
- Mentally rehearse the healthy belief and take action while feeling uncomfortable.
- Repeat, repeat and repeat with consistency and force.
- Take action while feeling uncomfortable.
This third step of goal setting is all about clearly identifying in a very specific way what you are looking to achieve. By doing so you will be able to measure your progress as you work towards your bigger goals that are achievable, realistic and time bound.
By this time you have not only clearly identified what you want, and gathered all of the information you need to know in more detail, but you have also defined a set of SMART goals and are ready to plan how you're going to put them into action.
Tips for Step 3: Set Achievable Goals
- Consistently prefer to do well rather than demanding or insisting that you must.
- Make a SMART goal that is important to you (i.e. choose something that you really want, is significant or interests you).
- Write your goal down using language that states what you want rather than what you do not want.
- Look at your goal regularly (daily is preferable). Make a compelling image of your goal. Visualise that compelling image daily.
- Just before you achieve your goal, remember to plan for your next goal. The natural arousal energy of goal execution will reduce on completion and to continue to keep motivated and goal-focused it's helpful to have your next goal in mind ready to begin the steps again.
“Man is a goal-seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals.”
Aristotle