Getting Ready to Take the Plunge
Managing your thoughts and preparing
The common view of a mediator and conflict management coach is someone who stops people arguing or teaches them to control their temper. I do that; however, I spend just as much time starting awkward conversations and helping people speak up effectively.
Starting a difficult conversation is a bit like getting ready for a bath. Imagine you had a really busy, tense day, your muscles are aching and you are exhausted. You know a nice long soak in the bath would make you feel better. But you would have to trail upstairs, run the bath, undress, and you just cannot be bothered.
And you might have to clean out the bath and maybe there isn’t any hot water and it takes too long and maybe it will not work.
So, you ignore your aching muscles and stress. . .and it gets worse. (Or you may hit the wine, which helps for a bit, but then, you end up with a hangover).
How is starting an awkward conversation like deciding to take a bath?
In both cases, we know what we need to do to ease the pain and that once it is sorted, we will benefit. . .but it is the hassle in between and the chance that things go wrong that puts us off starting.
We ignore or mutter about our problems until they do get better, we explode or get ill. We all put up with discomfort and a real chance of things getting worse because we fear change or are stuck in our present pain.
Unlike running a bath, few of us are taught how to start an awkward conversation and make it turn out well. However, it is a skill and you can learn it. People who can do this are far more successful in life, love, and work than those who do not. We will never be perfect—we are human; however, this skill will make life easier and pleasanter.
Motivating Yourself to Act
Looking at what motivated me to get up and take that bath illustrates some useful steps in motivating you to take the plunge and have that necessary but difficult conversation.
Acknowledge Present Pain
I recognized that I was aching and stressed.
Ask yourself, “What pain am I putting up with?” Do not deny or ignore the situation. What is it costing you to stay where you are?
Focus on Positive Result
I thought of a nice warm bath, the tension seeping away, the aches and pains vanishing.
Ask yourself, “What would it be like if this conversation went well? How would it feel?” Allow yourself to visualize a future without this stress or conflict.
Realistic Assessment
Was having to clean the bath before I started such a big problem compared to my pain? How high was the chance of no hot water?
Ask yourself, “What is it worth to get rid of my present pain?” We tend to overestimate the risks and underestimate the chances of success. Try and be more objective. What is the worst that can happen? How would you deal with it?
Alternatives
There were alternatives to the bath, but they either were not as appealing or unrealistic.
Ask yourself, “What are my options here?” In mediation, we encourage people to think of both the best and worst-case scenarios. This helps place the situation into perspective.
Next Steps
Engaging in mental exercises such as the ones mentioned earlier have an added bonus of calming your primitive brain and engaging your logic. Once you have weighed up what you want and where you are, you are calm enough to plan, to perform well and succeed.
Having worked out the pain I was in and the benefits of having a bath, I was more realistic about the risks–there would be hot water, but I would almost certainly have to scrub the bath before I ran it. That minor hassle compared to the major benefit made the decision easy. You may find that the pain is not that great, or there is another solution.
Getting Ready
Just as I had to find the towels, scrub the bath, undress, and run the bath, so you need to prepare for the awkward conversation or potential confrontation.
Clarity and Calm
Be clear about what you need. Being clear about what is important and what you need before you start is crucial. Have you got all the facts? Is there any other interpretation of the situation?
Try and see the situation from others’ viewpoints. Make sure you have control of your emotions and your stories. Do not go into a potential confrontation angry or frightened. (If you are feeling nervous or flustered, try the one of the tools in Chapter 3).
Accept Responsibility
Just as I should have kept the bath clean, maybe there is something that you did that contributed to the situation. Can you change anything or do something to make it easier to have this conversation? Do you need to put something right? Apologize? (See Chapter 12 for resources and Chapter 10 for how to put things right.)
Do what you can to make it work before taking the plunge. What did you do to contribute to the problem?
Test the Water
No one sensible leaps into a bath without checking the temperature of the water.
So, ask permission before you start. Here is a suggestion—but use your own words. “I really value our relationship. There’s something that’s bothering me and I’d like your help in sorting it out. When would be a good time?”
Sometimes, we think the bath is fine, then realize it is actually too hot—and either need to add cold water or get out. So, too, in difficult conversations, we sometimes need to act to make sure that everyone feels safe and calm enough to talk about the situation in a way that resolves things.
Consideration
Show consideration for the feelings of others. Choose a time and place that lends itself to a meaningful conversation. Start by showing your respect and concern for the other person. Go into the meeting with an intention to show kindness and to listen. Look for things you have in common and that you like about the person. Think about how this conversation could benefit both of you.
Hope
Keep your ideal outcome in mind, and go in determined to do all you can to bring it about. Professor Richard Wiseman (Wiseman 2003) found that those who expect good things to happen are more fortunate than those who do not. Our expectations color our behavior, show through our body language, and affect our mood. If you fear things will go badly, you are more likely to trigger the flight/fight/freeze response and turn off the thinking bit of your brain, just when you need it most.
CATCH sums up what you need to remember before going into a potential awkward situation or confrontation.
CATCH Tool
CATCH yourself before you start a difficult conversation . . .
C. Clarify in your own mind what the problem is. When did it start, what exactly is happening, what are the results? Try and see it from all angles.
A. Accept responsibility for what you might have done—did you explain yourself clearly?
T. Test the water. Ask permission. Take it slow.
C. Consideration. Be curious, not furious. If you are angry, you will not think straight. Remember the good in the others; try and see their point of view.
H. Hope for a good outcome—think of the best possible result from your discussion. How can you make sure that happens?
Now you have prepared yourself, Chapter 6 guides you through the awkward conversation and highlights some key points.
Check Understanding Chapter 5
• Do you find it hard to start conversations about delicate situations?
• How could you motivate yourself to speak up when you feel it is right?
• What fears or obstacles hold you back?
• What do you need to do before acting?
• Why is having hope in a good outcome important?
• Think of an example of a conflict you are likely to be involved in and use the CATCH tool to prepare yourself.