Turning Disaster into Development
First steps to recovery. Forgiveness. Apologies
The previous chapters have concentrated on helping you to get things right when you are faced with potential or actual conflict. This chapter covers the principles of what to do when things have gone wrong, how to apologize, why forgiveness is important, and how to make sure we learn from our mistakes.
First Steps
Just as the three “Rs” are the basis of learning, there are three key “Rs” in recovering a conflict situation that has gone wrong: Recognition, Responsibility, and Restoration. If you find that you are caught in the whirlpool of conflict and feel like you are being dragged down, they provide a life belt, as in Figure 10.1.
Recognition
When things start going wrong, it seems that they can spiral out of control very quickly. One thing after another seems to happen. There are two early indicators that things are not going well for you: denial and emotional hijack. Catch yourself in time and it is easier to turn the situation around.
Figure 10.1 Life belt for Those Caught in the Conflict Whirlpool
Our first instinct is to deny there is a problem. We reassure ourselves and everyone else that things are just fine, it will all blow over. That adds inner conflict to our problems, as a little voice inside is saying, “You’re making a mess of it,” and we waste a lot of time trying to drown it out.
Learn to recognize the signs of emotional hijack as these may appear even before you are aware things are going wrong. Are you raising your voice? Is your heart rate increasing? Do you feel sick? Are you sitting with arms crossed?
When you recognize the conversation or situation is deteriorating or in stalemate, William Ury (W. Ury 1991) suggests “going to the balcony.” This means mentally or physically stepping out of the conflict for a period to calm down and reassess. It may be advisable to arrange a strategic delay until everyone has time to recalibrate. If this is not possible, ask for a moment or two to compose yourself. Even just a few moments thinking of something else or deep breathing will help calm you. Another good alternative is to go for a walk. It is hard to argue when walking and physical exercise is good at relieving tension.
If you have time to express negative emotions in a safe place, this will help enormously. You could write them down, speak with a coach or anyone who will listen in confidence without judgment or advice. Figure 8-2 provides a useful tool, and Chapter 3 has several other tools to help you manage your emotions and restore logical thinking.
It is also important to be aware of our own limitations. We can only do our best. We cannot change others and some situations are beyond our control. It is critical to recognize when we should persevere, when we should call in expert help (see Chapter 9), and when to walk away.
When things start to go wrong, some of us leap to the rescue. Others wait and see if anyone else will intervene, and some hang back. Any one of these responses may be appropriate. So, how do we know what is our responsibility? The Responsibility Pie Chart Tool can help you work this out. This exercise has been attributed to various authors and is widely used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy when people are stuck in blaming others or themselves disproportionately. I first learned of it through the Bounce Back resources, based on research by educational psychologists (Noble and McGrath 2008). A Responsibility Pie Chart is based on the principle that all negative situations can be said to occur as a result of the combination of three factors: our own actions, the action of others, and random unpredictable things. Creating a pie chart every time something goes wrong would be over the top. However, by assessing the proportionate responsibility of the different factors, we gain a more objective picture of the situation and possible options for resolution. It is useful not just for learning from mistakes, but also, for highlighting solutions and motivating us to take restorative action.
Responsibility Pie Chart Tool
Negative events are due to a combination of three types of factors: our own actions, the actions of others, and random unpredictable things.
Start by thinking of a negative event that happened to you recently.
Draw a pie chart illustrating the three factors without thinking.
Now, list all the reasons that contributed to the result. Try and put down everything that contributed to the event, however small. (See the following worked example for further guidance on how to use this tool.) You must always allocate some responsibility to yourself, as your choices contributed to the situation. It is useful to try and avoid the words “blame” and “fault,” instead asking questions such as:
• How much was . . . responsible for what happened?
• What was this due to . . . ?
• What made this happen . . . ?
• How much does . . . explain what happened?
Starting with the least important factor, give each factor a percentage and group them into the three categories mentioned earlier.
Add up the categories and draw your pie chart again.
Compare the two.
What can you learn about yourself from the way you apportion responsibility?
What would you do differently next time?
Worked Example
Mary and Dennis were business partners in a bakery as well as spouses. Mary managed the bakers and Dennis ran the retail shop. One day, the flour delivery was late, so not all the varieties of loaves were ready, despite the bakers rushing like mad to try and get things done. They were so busy baking that Mary had not told Dennis why they were late. When a customer complained that her favorite loaf was not ready, Dennis said “So sorry, I’ll be remonstrating with the bakers about their idleness.” Mary overheard this and was furious. When Dennis came back into the oven room, she snapped “You are one to talk about idleness. You just get to chat away to the customers. We’re the ones who have to rush around doing all the work. You get all the praise and blame us when things go wrong. You have no idea of the problems we solve while you sit out there chatting.” Dennis thought she was overreacting and told her so, defending himself and maintaining that if it was not for his sales ability there would not be a business . . . things went downhill from there.
The two pie charts below show the change in Mary’s thinking. Initially, she thought that she had little responsibility for the argument, blaming it on mainly on Dennis. When she asked herself the objective questions, she recognized the role that chance had played in the customer coming in when they had, the reason for the delivery being late, and her own responsibility for letting Dennis know what was happening and losing her temper.
Figure 10.2 Worked Example of Pie Chart Exercise
How do you think this altered perspective could help Mary recover from the situation? Does recognizing your responsibility in a negative situation provide new ideas on how to improve or resolve the situation?
There is a fine line between responsibility and blame. To tell the difference, notice the emotions involved. Shame and anger usually accompany blame. Feeling responsible for something will make you want to put things right. Being blamed for something will make you feel defensive and trigger the instinctive flight/fight/freeze response. When trying to establish responsibility with others, be careful with the questions you ask and the tone of voice to avoid blame or excuses.
Restoration
The final R is restoration. Knowing what went wrong and learning from it is great. Too often, we move swiftly on without thinking about what we can do to put things right. It is uncomfortable to be in a conflict situation, particularly if things have gone wrong. Yet, ignoring it, running away, or blaming others will not work.
You can’t talk your way out of something you behaved your way into. You have to behave your way out of it.
Doug Conant
If things have gone wrong, something needs to be done. You can either wait for someone else to act or you can act. Perhaps all you can do is to accept the situation and change your attitude. Often, there is something concrete that you can do to make the situation better. Even small kindnesses make a difference. Ask the other party what they need to restore their faith in you or to rebuild trust.
One of the best ways to restore others’ trust in you is to show trust in them.
The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him. Henry L. Stimson
Stephen MR Covey maintains that integrity, intent, capability, and results are the “Four Cores of Credibility” (S. M. Covey 2006) needed for trust. All are needed to restore a healthy relationship. Integrity means believing that the other person will behave in a way consistent with their words and their values are congruent with yours. Both parties believe that the other’s intent is good and that their goals are similar. Each party trusts that the other party is capable of following through on promises and upholding values. If the expected goals and actions actually happen (results), this creates the fourth pillar of a good and stable relationship. (See also the section on trust in Chapter 8 or Chapter 12 for the tool “ABC When Trust Is Broken.”
Apologizing
Before you apologize, you need to be sure that you have “put your own oxygen mask on first” by handling your own feelings of hurt or anger. Otherwise, you may find the right words for your apology, but your unresolved feelings leak out through your body language and tone. The other person will see the dissonance between what you say and your body language, and think your apology is insincere. An insincere apology makes things worse, rather than better.
A good apology is like the first two steps of recovery. First, you recognize that something is wrong and accept responsibility for your actions. However, for an apology to be effective, you also must realize and acknowledge the pain the other person feels. You also need to show remorse for your actions. When a relationship starts to unravel, stitching it back together takes longer than it took to inflict the damage. An apology can provide a start.
The SEAM Apology Tool below provides guidance on how to frame an effective apology.
SEAM Apology Tool
For an apology to be effective, it must come from the heart and be sincere. The sooner an apology is offered, the better. If the person is very hurt or angry, you may have to offer the apology more than once. The longer you leave, the less effective it will be, and the harder it will be to apologize. No matter how good an actor you are, if you are defensive or angry, your tone and body language will betray you. So not only do you need to get the words right, you need to get the feelings right. SEAM reminds us of what makes a good apology that will help stitch relationships back together.
• Seek perspective Try and see the situation from the other person’s point of view. How would your actions have seemed? What are the benefits of restoring your relationship with this person? What have you lost by damaging the relationship? Think about the person’s characteristics that attract you and the good things they have done for you. Do not try and justify your actions. Be clear about your motives.
• Express remorse. An apology is not a justification of your actions. Start with “I’m sorry I . . . (insert action or behavior). I feel ashamed of myself.” A real apology acknowledges the validity of the feelings or values of the other person. Saying “I’m sorry you were upset by my comment. It was just a joke” implies that the other person cannot take a joke. It would be better to say, “I’m sorry you were upset by my comment. I should have realized it could be hurtful.”
• Admit responsibility. Taking responsibility means not only admitting that your behavior was wrong, but also showing that you understand the implications of the behavior. Do not offer excuses or reasons for your behavior until the other person asks for them.
Imagine you are angry for sitting waiting in a bar for a partner to turn up. Compare “Sorry I’m late for our date, but I got held up in traffic” with “I’m so sorry I’m late. I feel bad that you had to wait so long for me. I really wanted to be here on time so we could have lots of time together. I should have allowed more time for traffic on a Friday.”
• Make amends. The most wonderful apology is meaningless if you do not offer to make amends, and you do not follow through. The other person needs to be reassured that you have recognized the error of your ways, you want to put things right and that you will not do it again. Ask what you can do and follow through. Do not make promises you cannot keep. Explain how you plan to change your behavior in the future. The follow through is essential. The more you keep your word, the more effective your apologies will be.
If you do not invest in an apology, it is not likely to be effective. An apology may not be enough. The most persuasive apologies involve sacrifice: either time, ego, vulnerability, or goods. Sometimes, our apologies are ignored or rejected.
If someone refuses to forgive us, it can be very painful. When we apologize, we feel especially vulnerable, and rejection hurts. The tendency then is to lash out. “I’ve said sorry, what more do you want?” We then start justifying our actions and finding fault. This will negate our apology, exacerbate the conflict, and damage the relationship.
How can you avoid reacting in a way that makes things worse? First, be prepared that the other person may not be ready to listen or to forgive. Second, remind yourself that you may not fully understand the other person’s pain. Think of how much pain they must be in to reject your apology. It will give you an insight into some of the hurt they are suffering.
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It might give you some ideas of how to apologize in a different way. Finally, see this as your chance to practice forgiving the other person as you would like them to forgive you.
As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind.
Isabelle Holland
Rebuilding a relationship requires both parties. It may be that the other person does not want to rebuild it.
Rebuilding trust when it’s been broken is not dependent only on the person who has broken it, or how many times they can prove they are honest. It depends on the person who has decided not to trust anymore. Though they may be totally justified in their decision not to trust, as long as they choose not to, the relationship has no hope of survival and should be ended. If or when they decide to trust again, there is hope reborn.
Doe Zantamata
When you have done all you can, sometimes, you must accept that the relationship has come to an end. To be able to move on, you need to do this with forgiveness, rather than resentment.
Forgiveness
For thousands of years, mercy and forgiveness have regarded as virtues, helping to heal and build civilized societies. Research has found that forgiving others actually benefits us as much as, if not more than, those we forgive (Toussaint, Owen and Cheadle 2012).
So, what is forgiveness?
a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. (Greater Good Berkeley Forgiveness n.d.)
Forgiveness is not glossing over the hurt nor condoning wrongdoing. It does not release others from their accountability nor does it mean we forget what has happened. It enables the forgiver to let go of deeply held resentments and hurt so that healing can take place and the person can move on. When I forgive, I am saying “What has been done to me is wrong, yet I will not let the other’s actions define me and constrict me.” Forgiveness means deciding to free ourselves from the anger and blame and concentrate on the positives and the future.
Psychology Professor Everett Worthington not only researches forgiveness, but also practiced it by forgiving those who murdered his mother. He teaches forgiveness using the acronym REACH (Worthington 2016), as shown in Figure 10.3.
As we have learned before, to control emotions and to heal, we need to acknowledge the pain and recognize the emotion. So, the first step is to Recall the hurt, recognize that holding on to the pain and desire for revenge will hurt you more. Holding on to your hurt and anger is giving the other person power over your mind. It is giving away your control over your thoughts.
Figure 10.3 REACH (from Worthington 2016)
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone—you are the one getting burned.
Buddha
Empathize with the people who inflicted the harm. What need or emotion might have caused them to behave that way? A victim who went through the restorative justice process lost her fear when she found out more about the perpetrator. The young man who had damaged her car had not done it from a desire to hurt her, but because he was frustrated and angry with his life. He did not understand the impact of his actions. She said, “I went from being scared to feeling sorry for him.”
Decide to give forgiveness as an Altruistic gift. We know how wonderful it felt when someone forgave us. This is our chance to restore the balance.
Forgiveness is not temporary; we need to make a Commitment that will help it last. A public commitment or a note to yourself that you have forgiven the person will increase the chance of forgiveness continuing.
It is important to commit because it helps us Hold onto forgiveness when emotions start to take over.
So, you do not need an apology to forgive someone, as it is not about helping them to feel better (although it usually will), but about letting go of your anger and hurt.
Forgiveness undoes our own hatred and frees us from a troubled past.
Christopher Peterson
Here is an exercise if you are struggling with forgiveness.
Forgiveness Tool 1 Letters
Write a letter to the person who hurt you (which you are not going to send), recalling the incident, telling them of the impact it had on you. Pour your heart out.
Now, imagine how you would like that person to respond to your hurt. Write a letter as though the other person was responding to your pain with understanding and empathy. Describe the possible reasons behind the behavior. Say what could be done to ease your pain. Write of the problems from the other person’s point of view.
Now, read the letter. Allow yourself to feel compassion and understanding, and write back describing what you feel and what forgiveness means to you.
Remind yourself that forgiveness is your choice and your gift. Think of the peace it will bring you and the benefits.
Now, burn all the letters.
If you have decided to forgive, write a reminder to do something that will show your forgiveness. If you have not decided to forgive, you may find talking to an impartial third party helpful.
Forgiveness Tool 2 Chairs
Find a private place and set up three chairs.
Imagine the person who wronged you is sitting in the other chair. Speak to him/her honestly and clearly about the impact of his/her behavior on you. Tell them how you feel, what hurts most, and what you would like them to do. Once you have poured out your heart and expressed all your emotions, take a deep breath.
Change chairs. Now, imagine you are the other person and there is an imaginary you sitting opposite. Talk back to the imaginary you in a way that helps you see why the other person might have behaved the way he/she did. What could make people behave that way? What need might have been driving the behavior?
Pause, breathe, and change chairs so that you are sitting in the third chair. Try and see the situation as an impartial third party. Help reconcile the two views. Ask, what next?
If you have decided to forgive, write a reminder to do something that will show your forgiveness.
If you cannot forgive, you may find talking to an expert third party helps you to move on.
A note of caution about sending a forgiveness message or telling others you have forgiven them. If this is done before the person has apologized, it might appear accusatory. Peterson (Peterson 2006) describes asking his students to write a “forgiveness letter.” After the exercise, the students discussed whether to send the letters. All but one student decided not to, as they felt it might backfire. The one student who sent the letter still has not been forgiven for writing it.
Learning
No matter how disastrous an event, there are always things we can learn from it. Rather than beat yourself up about the mistakes that you made, or blaming others for their attitudes, think about what you could do differently next time. Try and see every conflict as an opportunity to learn something. For some guidance on how to learn from negative events see The Sad to Glad Tool in Chapter 12.
Check Understanding Chapter 10
• What three Rs can help you when you are caught in the conflict whirlpool?
• What are the advantages and disadvantages of using a Responsibility Pie Chart?
• What are the four components of an effective apology?
• Who does forgiveness help most and why?
• Describe how REACH helps you forgive.
• Think of a situation when someone hurt you. If they apologized, was it effective? Did you forgive them? How did it make you feel?