Key Skills and Considerations to Improve your Communication
Good communication is key to resolving most conflicts, and poor communication is often the cause of conflict. Many people think communicating is broadcasting information. There are endless courses on presentation and public speaking skills. Social media advisors encourage us to send out information frequently.
Communication is not just about how you speak or write, it is just as much about how you listen and receive. There is noise and information flowing into our lives from many different sources. Everyone wants to speak and no one wants to listen. With so many inputs, our brains tune things out, our attention flits off to the next thing. Learning to listen well is a powerful tool not just for understanding, but for influencing as well.
Listening: Ting
Chinese characters are pictograms, and are composed of characters (or parts of them) representing other words. Ting, the Chinese character for listening (Figure 7.1), can be broken down in various ways, although all are similar. It symbolizes the key components of a good listener. It is a useful visual reminder, just like the Six Peas.
Ears
Of course, you need ears to listen. Remember the old saying that you have two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as speak. If you cannot hear the person clearly, adjust your position or ask them to speak more slowly or more loudly. One client was reluctant to tell people he was deaf. Because people did not know he had not heard, they were annoyed when he did not follow instructions. Because listening was hard when he could not hear clearly, he often mentally switched off during meetings. This switching off was obvious and resulted in considerable problems and irritation. People thought he was rude or unmotivated. Once they realized that he had a problem hearing, they saw his behavior in a different light.
Figure 7.1 Chinese Character for Listening
Listen to the tone of the voice, the words they use, what they do not say, and the silences.
People start to heal the moment they feel heard.
Cheryl Richardson
Listening, though is not just hearing, but making meaning from sound.
King (or Mind)
This has a double meaning. One is that the person should be treated respectfully, like a king. Medieval nobles listened to the words and intonations of their sovereigns extremely carefully, as a misunderstanding could be fatal. While we are unlikely to be in such a situation, not paying attention will damage the success of the interaction. Think as a medieval noble—what does the king need? How does he feel?
The second is that the mind should be in control, not our feelings. We must manage our emotions and not allow them to get in the way of understanding the other person. Calm yourself so that your logical brain is in control.
One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.
Bryant H. McGill
Maximum
The Chinese figure ten symbolizes maximum, and as a part of the word “attention,” reminds us how we should listen. How do you show that another’s message is of maximum importance? Silence, accompanied by nods or nonverbal sounds such as mmhmm is one sign. Another might be leaning toward someone or meeting their eyes. Body language varies from culture to culture, so take care that your behavior is not misinterpreted. Wait until the person has finished speaking. Ask relevant questions or paraphrase.
Listening doesn’t happen by itself. It takes a conscious decision and a willingness to release the distraction of being right. In learning how to listen, we develop the virtues of patience and even humility. Ultimately, listening teaches us to resolve conflict by letting it resolve itself.
Brian Muldoon
Eyes
Does it seem odd to talk about eyes and listening? Think about the last time you were talking to someone. Did they look at you or keep an eye on the television? Eyes are expressive as well—what are your eyes saying while you are listening? Remember that appropriate eye contact differs in many cultures. If someone does not meet your eye, it may be cultural, rather than an indication of lying. But if your eyes flick to your watch or your phone, it sends a message that you are not listening, whatever culture you are from.
Use your eyes to gather nonverbal signals from their body language. Is someone tense or angry? Does their expression match their words?
Because you’re always communicating, even when you’re not talking - with your body language, your facial expressions, your eyes.
Orlando Bloom
Undivided
Receiving someone’s undivided attention is a great and rare gift. We cannot listen if we are trying to do something else at the same time. Multitasking may seem like a great way of saving time. Recent research proves that not only does multitasking slow down your processing (Gorlick 2014), it reduces your IQ, and permanently damages your brain. But in this context, multitasking shows disrespect and alienates the other person. So, turn the phone off, hang a Do Not Disturb sign on the door, and focus your undivided attention on the other person.
You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.
Scott Peck
Heart
If you do not want to listen or have already made up your mind, it will show, no matter how good an actor you may be. Open your heart and mind to the other person. If you behave kindly toward someone, you start to feel more compassionate toward them. This openness and kindness works wonders.
The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.
Kahlil Gibran
But how do we handle feelings of aversion? At a talk for the Association of Northern Mediators in York in 2014, Dr John Sturrock, an internationally renowned mediator, was asked how a mediator should react to an evil person. Dr Sturrock said that his response was to wonder what would drive someone to do something like that. Being curious about the causes of someone’s behavior is more productive than being furious about the end result. So, when you come to listen, put your views to one side and try and understand why the other party might feel the way they do. There is no need to agree, disagree, or evaluate at the start. Just listen. Separate the person from the behavior. Open your heart.
Nonverbal Communication
Dr Sandy Pentland of the MIT Human Dynamics Lab devised an array of technology called a sociometer to study nonverbal behavior in social interactions. Through motion sensors, microphones, and infrared transmitters/receivers, the researchers could track physical movements, vocal inflections, and proximity. After analyzing the data from hundreds of interactions in different settings, they discovered that there were patterns which showed the degree of engagement. By looking for the patterns without assessing the verbal content of the conversations, Pentland’s group could predict with over 70 percent accuracy whether the participants would want to continue the contact (for example, whether they would exchange cards or numbers). Nonverbal communication is extremely important in building trust (Hardesty 2010).
Be aware of cultural differences in nonverbal communication. In India, shaking the head by turning from side to side means no, as it does in many other countries. However, tilting the head to the right shoulder, then the left shoulder means okay. In some countries, frequent eye contact is positive and shows signs of interest. In other countries, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect. Arabic cultures believe prolonged eye contact helps them understand the truthfulness of the other person. Someone from another culture may see this prolonged eye contact as a sign of sexual interest and feel uncomfortable. Touching and where we touch varies from culture to culture. We need to be aware that even something as simple as pointing may be misconstrued.
However, one can mitigate potential mistrust by watching for signs of discomfort from others and asking how they feel. While it is helpful to understand more about others’ cultures, be careful not to assume that people belong to a specific culture as this, in turn, may lead to difficulties. Ask, rather than assume.
When nonverbal and verbal communication seem to contradict each other, it will damage trust and may escalate conflict.
The best way to be sure that you are not contradicting your words with your body language is to prepare so that what you say reflects how you feel. No matter how good an actor you think you are, emotions show. If you are angry, and you think it would not be helpful to let the other person know, find a way of venting and changing your attitude before you meet. Think about why you do not want the other person to know you are angry. Is there a way of expressing your anger in a different way that would be more productive? Saying you are not angry when you obviously are will make the situation worse. It may help to involve a mediator, coach, or wise friend to help you reframe.
When someone says, “That’s fine with me,” with sadness in their eyes, unless this feeling is addressed, it will be difficult to resolve the situation. Try responding with a tentative, “I hear you say that it is fine, however it looks like there is something that you aren’t happy about. I’d like to know a bit more to see if we could resolve this.”
Skills for Listening and Talking
Open Mind
Most people would say that a good listener should be nonjudgmental. In reality, no one can suspend judgment. To say one is not biased is rarely true and often hides prejudice. Rather, be aware of your own judgments and prejudices, and try not to let them affect your behavior. If you deny or bury prejudice, it tends to pop out or silently affect your decision making. It is better to acknowledge to yourself that you dislike someone or disagree with his views. Then, ask yourself, if I liked this person or shared his beliefs, would his behavior be more acceptable? Try and understand what need or fear lurks under your prejudice. Use curiosity to counter any feelings of anger.
Of course, an open mind is also good to have when telling people your story . . . think about how the person hearing it might think of what you say. If you find yourself becoming judgmental or angry, you may need some time out. If this is not possible, take some deep slow breaths and rest your open hands, palms facing up on the desk or on your thighs. Imagine your calmness radiating out and soothing all around you.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is being present to what is happening right now and giving your whole attention to the person who is speaking. Pay attention to what is said, what is intimated, and what is not said. Listen to the tone of voice, the words the person uses. Watch their body language and facial expressions, if you can see them. Be aware of your own feelings and body language, as an observer, without getting caught up in the emotions. Bring your mind back if it starts to wander.
When you are speaking, be conscious of the other’s body language and expression. You may want to clarify or check understanding.
Meditation is a great way of practicing mindfulness, and the more you practice, the easier it will be to do. Mindfulness benefits both the person being listened to intently and the person listening. It creates respect and connection.
You can practice mindfulness in brief moments by focusing on an experience, such as drinking coffee. Engage all your senses, and be aware of your emotions. Do not get distracted by them. When someone speaks to you, practice being mindful by observing the words they use, their expressions, their tone of voice, and their body language.
Questioning
Good questioning is an essential part of good communication. Think about what purpose the question serves and how it should be framed. The best question and style will be the one most appropriate for the situation. Pause for a moment after the person has finished speaking before posing your questions. Think about whether the answer to your question will move toward the desired outcome.
Closed questions which get a Yes or No answer are helpful where there is a clear-cut difference and a decision is needed to move the discussion on. On the contrary, a closed question limits options and is more likely to shut down conversations. For example, asking, “Do you agree with me about the need for change?” will give you a Yes or No (possibly a “Yes, but” or a “No, but”), whereas, “How do you feel about where the company is at the moment?” will result in a much wider discussion. Closed questions may be leading or threatening.
I keep six honest serving men (they taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who.
Rudyard Kipling
Open questions usually use one of Kipling’s “serving-men” and will elicit more information. There is some discussion about whether one should use Why. Taiichi Ohno, former Executive Vice President of Toyota Motor Corporations believed that asking Why five times is very helpful in problem solving.
“Observe the production floor without preconceptions . . . Ask ‘why’ five times about every matter.”
He used the example of a welding robot stopping in the middle of its operation to demonstrate the usefulness of his method, finally arriving at the root cause of the problem through persistent enquiry:
1. “Why did the robot stop?” The circuit has overloaded, causing a fuse to blow.
2. “Why is the circuit overloaded?” There was insufficient lubrication on the bearings, so they locked up.
3. “Why was there insufficient lubrication on the bearings?” The oil pump on the robot is not circulating sufficient oil.
4. “Why is the pump not circulating sufficient oil?” The pump intake is clogged with metal shavings.
5. “Why is the intake clogged with metal shavings?” Because there is no filter on the pump. (Ohno 2006)
Asking ourselves the Five Whys can be very helpful in discovering what the root cause of our anger or disappointment may be. However, used in a conflict or low-trust environment, repeatedly asking the other party Why is likely to be seen as accusation, harassment, or pressure. So many conflict resolution practitioners avoid using Why; instead, using one of the other “honest serving-men”: How, what, when, where, and who. For example, instead of “Why did you feel that way?” try “What was behind your feelings?” or “Tell me more.”
We need to think whether the additional information gathered is relevant and helpful. While insufficient data may cause us to make wrong assumptions, too much or irrelevant information may obscure or confuse the issue. Do we really need to know everything or is it simply nosiness that is behind a question? Will the question help us come to a resolution or will it side-track us?
Going over and over why something happened can embed negative feelings and escalate the situation. Sometimes, as a mediator, I will say, “Rather than working out what went wrong, let’s focus on what we will do to put things right.” When one is angry, frightened, or amid conflict, it is not the time to play detective, as the logical brain becomes inefficient under stress. Resolve the issues, then at a later stage, work out what can be done to avoid problems in the future.
Appreciative Inquiry (AI), developed by David Cooperrider (Cooperrider 2003) is a very useful tool to use in early stages of disagreement. By recognizing, celebrating, and praising what good you see in the other party, and encouraging them, you are more likely to get helpful responses and willingness to see your point of view. However, if emotions run high and trust is low, the positive questions framed by AI may be seen as ironic or sarcastic. Chapter 11 gives more information on how AI may help prevent conflict from disrupting lives.
Incisive and helpful questions are those which give new perspectives, open minds, and show that one wants to understand the other party. Sometimes, all that is needed is a “How did you feel about that?” or even just “Tell me more.”
Paraphrasing and Reflecting
A good way to check whether you understand the other party is to paraphrase or sum up what they have said. It is best to do this in a tentative way, so that if you have misunderstood, the person can correct you. Done properly, it shows that you have been listening and want to understand the other person’s perspective. If you can capture the essence of the story, the other person feels heard. Be careful not to add in your judgments or views, but simply to play back your understanding of their story.
Reflecting is mirroring back to the person their words and tone to either clarify or ask a question. Where there is hostility, one should be careful that this is not seen as mocking the other person. It may be safer to express the reflection tentatively, “It sounds like you are very angry about what you heard—would you tell me a bit more about that please?”
Think Before Speaking
Over two and a half thousand years ago, Buddha gave guidelines for right speaking, which are still relevant today. They are echoed in many other great religions and philosophical writings. The five key questions to ask before you speak are:
1. Is it true? How sure are you that what you are saying is the truth?
2. Is what I’m going to say well-intended? What do I hope to achieve by speaking?
3. Is it beneficial? Is what I’m saying constructive?
4. Is it timely? Is this the place and time to say this?
5. Is what I plan to say harsh? Is there another way to say the same thing?
These five questions are summarized by Figure 7.2.
Is it wanted by the other person? Sometimes, you need to say things the other person does not want to hear, but check first your five questions.
Of course, there are times when we just want to talk without thinking, when we are relaxing or about nonconsequential things. In delicate or difficult situations, it is particularly important to THINK before you speak. Realistically, we will all blurt things out sometimes or misread cues. Chapter 8 covers ambushes and problems. Chapter 10 gives tips on turning disaster into development.
Figure 7.2 Think Before You Speak
Silence
Silence can be a powerful tool, either to improve rapport or to give both parties time to think. We are often uncomfortable with silence, yet observe the nonverbal clues before breaking it. Rather than leaping in with a solution, it may be more productive to end a silence with a simple “So where do we go from here?”
Putting It into Practice
Communication skills take time and effort. Do not wait until you have a crisis or an argument. Start small, choose one skill, and commit to improving it for a week. For example, you may wish to start with paying attention when listening. Try it when listening to your partner or friends. Note how often you tune out and try and listen as you did when you first met them. Listen carefully to the radio news. Listen to a stranger on a train. Listen to people at work. Actively look for people to listen to, speak less than you usually do. Put down your phone, stop checking e-mail, and really pay attention. Each day, review your performance. What did you do right? What difference did it make? What new information did you gain? Did it change your view on anything or anyone?
Continually practicing communication skills will not only help you in managing conflicts. It will improve productivity, as well as make you more influential and happier.
Check Understanding Chapter 7
• What is the most important communication skill?
• How do you know when someone is really listening to you?
• How important is nonverbal communication?
• List some skills that are important for both listening and speaking.
• Explain the reason that you should ask “why” with caution and how five Why’s can be useful in some instances.
• Practice listening intently with undivided attention to someone at least once a day for a week. What did you learn? How did it affect your relationship?