Mindfulness Is for the Masses

Mindfulness training is for anyone who wants to be happier, reduce stress, increase their resilience, or improve their “performance”—whatever that means for you. You don't have to be a certain height to ride, but we do see trends where people seem most motivated to manage the stress at key points in their lives.

Entering the Workforce. The goal is to get these skills to professionals at the earliest age possible. Living in the age of disruption, innovation, and transformation can suck for new hires or anyone experiencing competition without guardrails for the first time. They're no longer surrounded by teachers, family, and friends who are confirming that they're the best. To the contrary, life is ambiguous in the corporate world.

I recall being 26 at Price Waterhouse and uncovering longstanding questionable financial activity at one of my clients. Following drawn out threats and intimidation, my findings resulted in both the client's President and CFO (as well as my own supervisor at PW) being terminated. Without the right skills to manage stress and regulate my nervous system, I was a young professional involved in an intense six‐month drama where I felt the world was on my shoulders.

Today, millennials report the highest level of “extreme” stress of any generation and it's getting worse.¹ This is particularly concerning since they became the largest part of the workforce in 2015, surpassing Gen Xers (Figure 8.1).² To recap—our largest employee population is our most stressed out and they're poised to soon run our companies and our country. Don't forget that Centennials (Gen Z) are right behind them—the “iGen.”

Mindfulness can improve a myriad of things like sleep, building confidence as a first‐time manager, and being less judgmental of the old heads over 40. Mindfulness has also become a go‐to strategy for staying calm when millennials are “adulting.”

When You Get Married or Settle Down. At this stage of life, in addition to settling down, many have bought their first home and/or had their first child. As wonderful as these events are, they're also major stressors. They rank high in the stress scales and they tend to come in waves.³ These new responsibilities are usually when a paycheck takes on new meaning; when many professionals come to the realization, “Maybe I shouldn't tell my bosses to go (blank) themselves.” It's also when many of us start burning out because we haven't developed the right mindset to manage family stress on top of work stress. Attention training teaches us patience, curiosity, and how to regulate our emotions.

People Over 50 or Nearing Retirement. The sandwich generation is both raising kids and caring for aging parents. The things that we pass over when we're younger start to catch up to us at this age, including our physical health, grief, regret, and guilt relating to difficult life experiences. Those over age 50 also start to suffer from insomnia; the mind just won't stop regretting the past and worrying about the future.

After 50, we know that life isn't a dress rehearsal. The realization that we have only a third of our lives still in front of us can be hard. Professionally, hitting 50 is also a critical juncture at which many leaders stagnate. The mistake of having a fixed mindset, or believing that we know everything, tends to catch up to us. It can impact a leader's confidence while simultaneously increasing the propensity to worry. Specific mindfulness practices help maintain a growth mindset, process regret, grief, and anxiety, as well as change sleep habits to quiet the restless mind.

Start When You're Stressed

Human beings experience our greatest stress when major life changes occur. That happens normally when moving from college into the workforce, from single life into family life, and from being a mover and shaker to moving more slowly and shaking our heads at everything that annoys us. No matter your age or stressors, the important thing is to just get started and stick with it. It takes time to build the mindfulness muscle and do mental training. Even small doses will begin to retrain the brain. Consistency matters—these skills are crucial to combat modern stressors. Without them, it's easy for people to become overwhelmed at critical life stages regardless of their generation.

Be Curious, Not Dismissive

As we went around our circle of four, his trying to look good kicked into overdrive. He was dismissive of the Wall Streeter. “Dude, make your money, move on, and do something cool.” He was dismissive of the publisher. “People still buy books?” And when I shared that I owned a digital wellbeing training company, he was dismissive of me, too. “I'm so over the world's ridiculous fascination with mindfulness.” Everything triggered him.

Try Vulnerability

We'd never met before, but I could relate to how he wore his opinions, emotions, and aggression to establish a facade of confidence. Been there. Done that. Rather than responding in kind, I tried openness and vulnerability, two foundational elements of mindfulness. I find that when I practice vulnerability, it usually results in others responding with the same. Let down your guard and just be yourself. I asked a number of questions to understand his perspective. He shared that in a hard‐driving technology company, the last thing he could afford to speak to employees about was stress, let alone brain training, as an antidote. It would make his company look “weak” to talk about it. “Talking about stress stresses people out. And this mindfulness stuff is a fad. It won't last. It feels like it was invented five years ago.”

The other members of our group were getting increasingly uncomfortable, sharing the “sorry, he's always been like this” look. They tried to pull the old “let‐me‐finish my‐drink‐quickly‐so‐I can‐politely‐leave‐to get‐another‐one” trick. As a master of that very move, I called them on it and then asked our confident friend if I could ask some questions. He played along.

Authenticity Rocks

As the conversation continued, he admitted that stress is also a growing trend. He shared that his stress moved from an 8 to a 10 out of 10 following his company's IPO. He actually wasn't the founder of “his” company; that he joined just two years ago; that he was in business development and didn't have any staff; forget speaking to anyone about their stress. He also felt his management team wasn't interested in either his opinions or employee wellbeing. Finally, he shared that he wasn't happy and that he'd be leaving after he fully vested to do “what's next.”

We then had a more open and authentic conversation with the rest of the group. We each shared that stress takes its toll and that most big companies tend to ignore it rather than address it. It's amazing what happens when people are open, vulnerable, and authentic. Here was a nice person who was employed, part of his life was good, part of his life was challenging, nothing more, nothing less. Just like the rest of us.

Mindfulness may be a trend. Like stress is a trend. Two long‐standing trends that are about as likely to go away as trying to look good at an alumni barbeque.

Take Off the Robes, Judge Judy

How quick you are to judge people in your life? What does it take to set you off? If you're like I was, it doesn't take much. Research says that most people make a first impression within the first half a second.⁵ I would hope that even the most advanced Type A personalities give others a few full meetings before writing someone off. However, in my experience, too many leaders are quick to make immovable judgments. We think we know someone well enough, based on a limited interaction, to put him or her into a box, permanently. Often times. that box determines how we deal with that person for the rest of infinity. You know the various boxes: jerk, know‐it‐all, selfish, arrogant, abrasive, d‐bag, womanizer, and the list goes on. We're good at making lists when we're judging others. Leaders have an obligation to take a more mindful approach to avoid the temptations.

Practicing Forgiveness and Empathy Is Important for a Few Reasons

Judging Is a Two‐Way Street. People are judging you in the same way you're judging them. You had a bad moment or meeting and they put you in a box. You occur one way to them. At all times. It doesn't feel great to think of yourself in one dimension.

Don't Rob Yourself. We lose the opportunity to truly get to know others on a deeper level when we put them into boxes. We actually take away from our own experience when we don't give others some leeway to have a bad moment, bad day, or bad week. And when we do, we can't realistically expect others to do the same for us.

Once we draw the lines of judgment, we tend to gather support from others (join in on the judgment!) to prove that we're right and protect our own egos. It's easy to create an “us versus them” mentality. The next time you want to put someone in a box, keep these thoughts in mind:

Don't Hurt Yourself. Modern business requires dynamic relationships. Those relationships have a better chance of flourishing if you make room for forgiveness, acceptance, and the flexibility to accept people in the many different ways that they show up. Instead of putting others in boxes, start a conversation around what bothers you and how important that relationship is to you. This invites a conversation in which they can see your human side, too.

Look for Common Ground. We all have difficult aspects to our lives. And we all deserve an opportunity for others to experience us as diverse and complex. Allow yourself and others to show up as “flawesome” (flawed and awesome), wonderful, charming, opinionated, and infuriating. This alone can be a point of similarity upon which to build trust. That's the beauty of being human. And it's the obligation of being a leader.

From Skeptic to Scribe

Since my skeptical introduction to journaling, I've found it to be an incredibly powerful life reflection and planning tool. I can work through difficult thoughts or prepare for hard conversations. It allows me to anchor back to what's most important in my life; something we could all use a little more of. And I enjoy capturing future plans. There's something about writing them down and committing that makes them come to be. Commit and the universe moves in your favor. Intentions matter.

The primary benefit isn't having the written history. It is instead an active training tool to help me more intentional in managing a busy and sometimes stressful life.

In preparing to write CML, I was flipping through my journals and came across an old post. This is from the night I first met my wife. At the time, I had been single in New York City for 10 years. While I enjoyed dating in the Big Apple, I often found it lonely and unfulfilling. I was at high risk of becoming one of those middle‐aged, used‐to‐being‐on‐my‐own, stuck‐in‐my‐ways kinda guys. Until that night, I'd never journaled about a relationship.

Tonight, I met a woman named Sarah Swanson. She is a beautiful South African and I believe that she will steal my heart.

We talked, laughed, and danced at Kevin's birthday party. I asked her out to dinner within five minutes of meeting her. She is smart, has the most beautiful smile, incredibly honest eyes, and the grace of a dove (despite falling off her stool and into my lap!).

I learned that she is at the tail end of a breakup. I told her that although I'm sorry for that, I am also happy for me—assuming she'd accept my dinner invitation.

Well, she did. And I can't remember ever being so excited to meet someone again. Fingers crossed. After having known her for only a few hours, I knew that I have never felt this way about someone before. I believe I may have just met my wife. Thank you, Fate (and to Kristin for putting in a good word for me).

Over the time we dated, I journaled often to explore why past relationships hadn't worked out. I even saved our email correspondence and letters and compiled them into a book—the journal of my relationship with Sarah. Two and a half years later, we were married. In hindsight, it was cathartic to capture intentions, work through my own limitations as a long‐time bachelor, and explore another person in writing. Living with intention has become part of my lifestyle. Journaling supports that by enabling active reflection and planning. Planning creates growth and outcomes.

What Have You Replaced That Time With?

The good news for the business world should be that all these apps have freed up a significant amount of thinking time. We now have more time to dedicate to higher‐purpose endeavors. The bad news is that most of us haven't filled that available cognitive space with anything of value. In fact, we've filled that excess capacity with lifestyles anchored around checking news feeds, playing video games, worrying about the past, surfing porn, worrying about the future, checking feeds, regret, anxiety, checking feeds, and a full range of distractions that are detrimental to our health. Let me check my feed. Oh, and cat videos. Though my friend Mak points out that some cat videos can actually boost energy and positive emotions.¹⁶

Increasingly, we're outsourcing our abilities to remember, recall, and connect the dots to the basic information that drives our lives. We're also no longer using the brain to do these things. Remember that Microsoft study that suggests the human attention span has decreased to the level of a goldfish?

Apply digital wisdom to use your apps mindfully. Don't over‐rely on them. Most importantly, find new ways to keep your brain sharp. You know, for when the robots take over. Attention training does that by creating new neural pathways and building up muscle memory in areas where we need it most. This also keeps our brains functioning at their best for things like memory, recall, and self‐regulation.

As we outsource more of our cognitive abilities, brain training helps keep our cognitive abilities intact. We also need to stay active to ward off things like Alzheimer's, dementia, and a range of mental disorders.

Outsourcing feels great. You know there's an app for that. But maintaining a mindful lifestyle requires insourcing other experiences to keep you and your employees' cognitive abilities active. The mind is still a terrible thing to waste.

Save Labels for Envelopes

The same politics, manipulation, and labeling happens in the corporate world all the time. These behaviors are a cornerstone for employees who don't feel heard and thrive on politics, insecurity, creating winners and losers, and protecting their turf.

If members of your team become masters at labeling others in order to do damage, it's time to take stock. These kinds of character attacks are subtle but deadly in the corporate world. If you're like me, you'll recall co‐workers whose reputation labels preceded them. There's the guy who didn't care because he has family money. The backstabber who couldn't be trusted. The one who didn't do any work, but took all the credit. Or the person who slept their way to the top. These labels require little thought, but can do tremendous harm.

Corporate politics, rumors, and innuendos are used to make someone look good and someone else look bad. Over time, they can turn individuals, departments, and teams against each other. They become part of the company's culture. They divide teams, create blind spots, and play into the hands of insecure managers.

I've seen this play out a staggering number of times. I'm also guilty of playing the game. It's isolating, stressful, and removes the joy from teamwork.

Here are five tips to create more kind, open, and honest work environments:

1. Use Personal, Mindful Labels. Rather than labeling colleagues as wasteful, lazy, or untrustworthy, practice labeling your own emotions. Train yourself to notice anger, resentment, fear, and so on. Science shows that the simple act of labeling your emotions engages the thinking brain. The PFC filters your thoughts, words, and actions while preventing the emotional brain from taking over and b*tch slapping someone before you can register what happened. Make self‐compassion a practice to avoid heated action without thought.
2. Filter Your Words. What if everything you said went through a three‐step filter: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If you're like me, you'd probably say a lot less. What you do say will be received more willingly and produce better outcomes.
3. Monitor Your Actions. Business professionals are trained to identify and fix problems, look strong, and respond quickly. What if you trained yourself to stop, breathe, notice, reflect, and then respond. Instead of jumping right in, you might stop to notice: Why am I angry? Is this related to me? Do I even need to respond? This sacred pause can change how you react to and treat others.
4. Expect the Same from the Team. Lowering the bar for professionalism and decency isn't a slippery slope—it's a jagged cliff. Tolerating politics, insecurity, bigotry, or labeling from some team members sets the tone for everyone. The best teams are able to have strong opinions while maintaining respect and a safe environment.
5. Come Together. At Whil, our team comes together every day at 3 p.m. for a 10‐minute mindfulness practice (Figure 8.3). We cycle through one training program per week led by a different teammate. It's an opportunity to learn, build trust, and to truly get to know each other. It's become a foundational part of our culture ‐ so much so that we now offer digital team programs for our clients around the world.

Next are three mindful tips to do your part in healing relationships for a more kind, open, and connected culture.

Apologize to Someone Today. We all carry around unresolved issues. Over time, that resentment does harm to the person carrying the resentment, not the one being resented. Author Christin Carter recommends a three‐step process: “(1) Tell them what you feel, (2) Admit your mistake and the negative impact that it had, and (3) Make the situation right.”¹⁷ Dr. Amit Sood at the Mayo Clinic also recommends making forgiveness an ongoing practice to improve your health. If you could pick one issue in your life to apologize and forgive, how much would that be worth? Imagine a calmer, happier you every day.

Expect and Offer Transparency. Let others know what is upsetting you in the moment. Expecting them to guess while you seethe silently prolongs pain and division. It's okay to have differences. In fact, recognizing differences makes the world interesting. We can love family and friends regardless of their opinions and political affiliation. Unless they support the Green Party.

Wish Your Enemy Well. Rather than making pretend enemies, pick the one Facebook or Twitter friend who has turned you off with their politics to the point at which you're about to unfriend their stupid @ss. Now, instead of doing that, take a minute to silently wish them well. Simply say to yourself, “May you be happy. May you be open to others. May you find joy. And may we be friends.” Research has shown that a Loving‐Kindness Meditation produces positive emotions and a wide range of personal resources, including increased awareness, purpose, social support, and decreased illness symptoms. These, in turn, predicted increased life satisfaction and reduced depressive symptoms.¹⁸ It pays to make acceptance and compassion a practice.

The past few years in global politics have confirmed that it's easy to spread fear and division. As leaders, we have an obligation to spread acceptance, kindness, and compassion if we expect to build sustainable and healthy cultures. With practice, it can even become part of our lifestyle.