1.     “Marriage and Couples,” Gottman Institute, accessed November 11, 2019, https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/.

2.     David F. Larcker et al., 2013 Executive Coaching Survey, Miles Group and Stanford University, August 2013, https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/faculty-research/publications/2013-executive-coaching-survey.

3.     Lee Rainie, Scott Keeter, and Andrew Perrin, “Trust and Distrust in America,” Pew Research Center, July 22, 2019, https://www.people-press.org/2019/07/22/trust-and-distrust-in-america/.

4.     The two questions are paraphases of questions asked by Martin Luther King, Jr., “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” at Bishop Charles Mason Temple, https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/ive-been-mountaintop-address-delivered-bishop-charles-mason-temple (accessed Nov 11, 2019)

1.     Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box, 3rd ed. (Oakland: Berrett-Koehler, 2018), 42–50.

2.     Arbinger Institute, The Outward Mindset: Seeing beyond Ourselves (Oakland: Berrett-Koehler, 2016), 25.

3.     Arbinger, Outward Mindset, 25.

4.     Arbinger, Outward Mindset, 104.

5.     Arbinger, Leadership and Self-Deception, 94–95.

6.     “They say, ‘means are after all means.’ I would say, ‘means are after all everything’. As the means so the end. . . . There is no wall of separation between the means and the end.” Mahatma Gandhi, Young India, 1927, 236–7.

1.     Hermann Nabi et al., “Increased Risk of Coronary Heart Disease among Individuals Reporting Adverse Impact of Stress on Their Health: The Whitehall II Prospective Cohort Study,” European Heart Journal 34, no. 34 (September 7, 2013): 2697–2705, https://doi.org/10.1093/eurheartj/eht216.

2.     European Society of Cardiology, “People’s Perception of the Effect of Stress on Their Health Is Linked to Risk of Heart Attacks,” press release, June 27, 2013, https://www.escardio.org/The-ESC/PressOffice/Press-releases/People-s-perception-of-the-effect-of-stress-on-their-health-is-linked-to-risk-of.

3.     Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (New York: Harper Perennial, 2008), 16–22.

4.     C. R. Mitchell, The Structure of International Conflict (New York: St. Martin’s, 2001), 155–56.

5.     Csikszentmihalyi, Flow, 8–16.

6.     Robert A. Baruch Bush and Joseph P. Folger, The Promise of Mediation (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2005), 49–59.

1.     Csikszentmihalyi, Flow, 2.

2.     I love this quote from yoga practitioner Stephen Cope: “Through practice, I’ve come to see that the deepest source of my misery is not wanting things to be the way they are. Not wanting myself to be the way I am. Not wanting the world to be the way it is. Not wanting others to be the way they are. Whenever I’m suffering, I find this ‘war with reality’ to be at the heart of the problem.” Stephen Cope, Will Yoga & Meditation Really Change My Life: Personal Stories from 25 of North America’s Leading Teachers (North Adams. MA: Storey, 2003), 291.

1.     Dean G. Pruitt and Sung Hee Kim, Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement, 3rd ed. (Boston: McGraw Hill, 2004), 40–47.

2.     In The Anatomy of Peace these are referred to as “Better Than” and “I Deserve” boxes. See Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict, 2nd ed. (Oakland: Berrett-Koehler, 2015), 108–16.

3.     The Anatomy of Peace refers to these styles as “Worse Than” and “Need-to-Be-Seen-As.” See Arbinger, 117–25.

4.     Vamik Volkan, Blind Trust: Large Groups and Their Leaders in Times of Crisis and Terror (Charlottesville, VA: Pitchstone, 2004), 56–87.

5.     The Office, season 2, ep. 21, “Conflict Resolution” (clip), aired May 4, 2006, on NBC, https://www.nbc.com/the-office/video/conflict-resolution/3839886.

6.     Roger Fisher and William Ury, Getting to Yes Negotiating Agreement without Giving In, 2nd ed. (New York: Penguin, 1991), 40–55.

7.     Joseph P. Folger, Marshall Scott Poole, and Randall K. Stutman, Working through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups, and Organizations, 7th ed. (Boston: Pearson, 2013), 119–20.

8.     William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself: How to Get What You Truly Want (New York: HarperOne, 2016), 4.

1.     Philosopher Terry Warner, whom we will discuss in much greater length in the next chapter, wrote his first draft of his work calling it “Bonds of Anguish, Bonds of Love” before ultimately titling it The Bonds That Make Us Free. He was on to something.

2.     Mohammed Abu-Nimer, “Toward the Theory and Practice of Positive Approaches to Peacebuilding,” in Positive Approaches to Peacebuilding, ed. Cynthias Sampson et al. (Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute, 2010), 13–22.

3.     John Paul Lederach, Building Peace: Sustainable Reconciliation in Divided Societies (Washington DC: United States Institute of Peace, 1997), 23–35.

4.     Lederach, 23–25.

5.     Jayne Seminare Docherty, Learning Lessons from Waco: When the Parties Bring Their Gods to the Table (Syracuse, NY: Syracuse University Press, 2001), 18–35.

1.     Pruitt and Kim, Social Conflict, 108, 134–35.

2.     Pruitt and Kim, 108, 134–35.

3.     Arbinger, Leadership and Self-Deception, 17.

4.     Arbinger, 17.

5.     Martin Buber, I and Thou (Mansfield Centre, CT: Martino, 2010).

6.     Buber.

1.     Kenneth Cloke, Mediating Dangerously: The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001), 10.

2.     Arbinger, Outward Mindset, 29–31.

1.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 67.

1.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 117–25.

2.     Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (but Not By Me), 2nd ed. (Boston: Mariner, 2015), 13–51.

3.     Tavris and Aronson, 13–51.

4.     Tavris an Aronson, 126–40.

1.     C. Terry Warner, The Bonds That Makes Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (Salt Lake City: Shadow Mountain, 2001), 83–100. Also see Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 38–55.

2.     The questions I’m asking in this section are adapted from the questions asked in Arbinger, Leadership and Self-Deception, 93–107.

3.     See Pruitt and Kim, Social Conflict, 89–91.

4.     Pruitt and Kim, 92–98.

5.     See Pruitt and Kim, 92–98, for an in-depth explanation of both models.

6.     Pruitt and Kim, 92–98.

7.     Pruitt and Kim, 99.

8.     See Pruitt and Kim, 101–20, for a variation on the conflict spiral called the Structural Change Model. The model talks about psychological changes that happen in the parties in conflict that propel conflict forward, encouraging it to persist, reoccur, or both.

9.     Arbinger Institute, The Choice (Arbinger Institute, 2014), 44–45.

1.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 52–57.

2.     John Winslade and Gerald Monk, Narrative Mediation: A New Approach to Conflict Resolution (Oakland: Jossey-Bass, 2001), 57–92.

3.     This realization was a painful one and inspired me to reach out to Raul and apologize for the damage I caused him and his family. Raul had carried that hurt deeply for years. Dangerous love, especially after we have caused pain in others, hurts.

4.     Dennis Ross, The Missing Peace: The Inside Story of the Fight for Middle East Peace (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2005), 770–71.

5.     Ross, 770–71.

1.     Arbinger, Leadership and Self-Deception, 133–40.

2.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 122–25.

3.     Pruitt and Kim, Social Conflict, 181–82.

4.     Docherty, Learning Lessons, 28.

5.     Ifat Maoz, “An Experiment in Peace: Reconciliation-Aimed Workshops of Jewish-Israeli and Palestinian Youth,” Journal of Peace Research 37, no. 6 (2000): 721–22.

6.     Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free, 208–9.

7.     John Paul Lederach, The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005), 42.

1.     The song “Kumbaya” has a fascinating history. See Jeffrey Weiss, “How Did ‘Kumbaya’ Become a Mocking Metaphor?” Dallas Morning News, November 12, 2006, http://web.archive.org/web/20080914095037/http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/DN-kumbaya_11rel.ART0.State.Edition1.3e6da2d.html.

2.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 30–39.

3.     King, Strength to Love, 45.

4.     King, 51.

5.     Lederach, Moral Imagination, ix.

6.     Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free, 129–47.

7.     Johan Galtung, “Cultural Violence,” Journal of Peace Research 27, no. 3 (August 1990): 291–305.

8.     Galtung, 291.

9.     Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts (New York: Random House, 2018), 186.

10.   Brown, 185–91.

11.   Brown, 193.

1.     Antjie Krog, Country of My Skull; Guilt, Sorrow, and the Limits of Forgiveness in the New South Africa (New York: Crown, 1999), 210.

2.     Desmond Tutu, No Future without Forgiveness (New York: Image, 1999), 31.

3.     Tutu, 54–55.

4.     Lederach, Building Peace, 31.

1.     Tutu, No Future without Forgiveness, 270–73.

2.     Pub. L. No. 103–150, 107 Stat. 1510 (1993).

3.     Ellis Cose, Bone to Pick: Of Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Reparation, and Revenge (New York: Washington Square, 2005), 131.

1.     Carolyn Nordstrom, A Different Kind of War Story (Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1997), 210.

2.     Nordstrom, 215.

3.     Nordstrom, 218.

4.     Nordstrom, v.

5.     Galtung, “Cultural Violence,” 302.

6.     Arbinger, Anatomy of Peace, 207–20.

1.     Lederach, Building Peace, 76–77.

2.     Oren Lyons, “A Warrior in Two Worlds: The Life of Ely Parker,” PBS, https://www.pbs.org/warrior/content/timeline/opendoor/roleOfChief.html.

3.     Sharon went on to serve as a military policewoman in the Israeli army. After two years of service, she came back to PeacePlayers and is now coaching several teams in Jerusalem.

1.     Academy of Achievement, “Archbishop Desmond Tutu,” June 12, 2004, https://www.achievement.org/achiever/desmond-tutu/#interview.

1.     Kimberly White, The Shift: How Seeing People Changes Everything (Oakland: Berrett-Kohler, 2018). The Shift is an excellent case study of seeing people as people in the workplace.

2.     Book of Mormon, Alma 37:6.