CHAPTER THREE    

ADMIT YOUR RECOGNITION AND APPRECIATION NEEDS

Patti and I stood on a large brick patio soaking up the sunshine during a break from the writer’s conference. We were talking about this book and what being fulfilled, content, and stimulated looked like for both of us when she told me about the first 14 years of her professional career.

“I helped them grow from a small start-up through the sale of the company to a globally esteemed brand,” Patti said. “I got to work early, stayed late, and even dreamed about how to market our product—anything to support the company. But I only remember my manager saying thank you for my contributions and hard work a few times.”

“How demoralizing and difficult.”

“It was. I felt like the company was just as much mine as it was Bill’s, the owner. But my manager did not see me. He rarely acknowledged my contributions and offered only a few paltry words of praise of my performance. I was miserable. I had to drag myself into work. I got tired of not feeling valued or appreciated.”

It was hard to imagine Patti like that because the woman standing before me had a light in her eyes, flashed an easy smile, and had laughed throughout the opening keynote that morning.

“Well, if you’re at this conference, I think I know what happened. You left the company, didn’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, I finally left the company. All I wanted and needed to hear was thank you more often.”

Patti moved on. However, that is not your only option.

Remember, you just walked through Door Number Four, the door of possibility and choice, where you own, love, and make your job work for you. You did the courageous, powerful work to prepare for your transformational journey to turn your job into your dream job. Now your journey begins. Your first step is to own it. To admit to yourself and your company that you need credit and gratitude for the knowledge, skills, and contributions you make in the relationship with your employer. And to take responsibility for your appreciation needs being met at work. Patti knew that she needed to hear thank you, but she never voiced how disheartening it was to feel unappreciated. She suffered in silence. You don’t have to. You can do something different.

You can acknowledge, identify, and ask for the appreciation and thankfulness due to you in exchange for your contributions. How do you do that? Focus on your self-esteem. It impacts your performance, confidence, and willingness to ask for your recognition needs to be met.

CULTIVATE POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM AT WORK THROUGH FEEDBACK

You spend about one-third of your life at work. So, it’s pretty obvious that what happens at work and how you experience your job can positively or negatively affect your self-esteem. Think about how you feel when your boss forwards a complimentary email from a client to the entire division. Or how you feel when you falter in a presentation and the leadership team doesn’t approve your project. Work can be a roller-coaster ride of emotional highs and lows.

Your experiences at work affect what researchers Pierce, Gardner, Cummings, and Dunham define as organizational self-esteem. It is the degree to which you consider yourself capable, significant, and worthy as an organization member.¹ When you believe that you make a difference in your company, that you are a valued team member and are competent, you are more content, gratified, and joyful at work.

So, what can you do to enhance your self-esteem? Create more opportunities for positive, successful work experiences by asking for feedback.

Annette was five feet tall only in her favorite pair of heels. Always dressed in an edgy pantsuit fresh off the runways of New York, she was quick to smile, laugh, and stop in the hallway to chat with team members. Her CEO, Paul, was being pressured by the board, and Wall Street, to address the significant lack of diversity not only on his leadership team but throughout the organization. Annette was the second highest ranking woman at the $3.3 billion global company and the only woman to ever be considered to lead a billion-dollar business unit.

With 25 years of experience in the industry, her extensive knowledge of the business, and a powerful ability to negotiate a profitable deal with the most challenging, intractable clients, it appeared that Annette would be the business unit’s new president when the current president, John, retired at the end of the next fiscal year. However, Paul had doubts.

“John, I don’t think Annette can replace you. Every time I ask her a question about the business, she launches into these long-winded, rambling answers filled with unnecessary details. I want to yell at her and say, “Make a point. State an opinion. Be succinct.” I think she is too bogged down in operations to think strategically. I’m not willing to put her on an earnings call with Wall Street, nor have her represent me at an industry conference,” Paul said.

John shared Paul’s feedback with Annette, and John agreed to her request for an executive coach.

At our first coaching session, I told Annette, “I can help you think through how to communicate succinctly, strategically, and impactfully. We can role-play during our coaching sessions. However, I can’t provide the real-time feedback that is necessary to change your behavior. You are going to have to ask John and your colleagues for feedback.”

Annette’s eyes widened, and she took a take a deep breath as soon as I mentioned the word feedback. Asking for feedback is hard. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have, or your position in the company, or how skilled you are. It’s scary. We all sweat when we solicit and receive feedback.

I can still remember the first time my manager, Mark, said to me, “Carson, can I give you some feedback?” My stomach churned and my hands started to sweat. Immediately my brain went to the worst-case scenario—“I’m going to get fired!” The lack of certainty around what was coming next created so much unease that I still cannot recall what Mark said to me that afternoon.

Real-time, specific feedback is one of the most effective ways to change your behavior and optimize your performance. It is also one of the most powerful methods you have to create more affirmative, successful work experiences. When you feel capable, confident, and valued, you have higher self-esteem.

In order to reduce and eliminate feedback anxiety, there are three strategies to use when you ask for and receive feedback: employ a growth mindset, proactively ask for the feedback, and use the SEE framework—specific, example, explain. Let’s dive into each strategy a little deeper…

Feedback Strategy #1: Employ a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, discovered a simple but groundbreaking concept after decades of study: the power of mindset. Through her research, she demonstrated that the view, or mindset, you adopt for yourself profoundly affects how you lead your life. Your success at work can be dramatically influenced by how you think about your talents and abilities.

Dweck identified two types of mindset: fixed and growth. People with a fixed mindset believe that their intelligence and abilities are fixed. People with a growth mindset believe that intelligence can be developed, that the brain is a muscle that can be trained. This leads to the desire to improve, embrace challenges, persist in the face of setbacks, see effort as the path to mastery, and learn from criticism.² A growth mindset is instrumental to create more affirmative, efficacious work experiences.

A growth mindset enables you to train your brain to understand that feedback—even negative feedback—is constructive. You want to get better. It allows the possibility that you might have a blind spot. You acknowledge that the feedback is not personal. It’s not an attack on your self-esteem. It is a way to improve your performance. With a growth mindset, you don’t have to link negative feedback to your identity.

Feedback is an opportunity for you to learn a new skill. To employ a growth mindset, you acknowledge and embrace your imperfections, value the process of professional development, and replace the word failing with learning. Your action step to make this happen: the next time you ask for feedback, tell yourself that it is for your development, growth, and advancement. Remind yourself that with this feedback you will be able to generate more successful, positive work experiences.

Feedback Strategy #2: Proactively Ask for Feedback

When you ask for feedback, you put yourself in a psychological state that is ready to receive negative news. This is important because unsolicited feedback can activate the social threat response. If you feel threatened, you won’t be ready to receive, retain, or agree with the feedback you receive. When you solicit feedback, you minimize this threat response. You also have more autonomy and certainty when you ask for feedback because you focus the conversation where it will be the most useful for you. The person you’ve requested it from also benefits because you have given clear guidelines on the specific feedback you want. As a result, the information you receive is more relevant and less threatening to your status, and the entire conversation feels more equitable and fair.³

Feedback Strategy #3: Use the SEE Framework

Now that you know how to mentally prepare to ask for feedback, your likely next question is how to ask for it. I came up with a framework, SEE, to help my clients effectively ask for feedback:

•  Be specific. Ask for the specific type of feedback that you want to receive.

•  Share an example. Provide an example of the type of feedback you want to receive.

•  Explain. Ask the person you requested feedback from to explain what you did or did not do.

Let’s look at how Annette used the SEE framework with her manager, John.

Annette asked John for specific feedback on her ability to communicate clearly and succinctly during her presentations to the senior leadership team.

She then shared an example of the type of feedback she wanted to receive by asking him to tell her when he did not hear the bottom line or her central point within the first three sentences of her presentations.

Finally, Annette asked John to tell her at what point he did hear the bottom line or central point during her presentations. Because she asked John to explain when in her presentations she shared the bottom line, she knew exactly how to adjust her communication style to be more clear and succinct. There are three additional things to do when you ask for feedback:

•  Ask for specific feedback from your peers and colleagues to ensure a well-rounded perspective.

•  Ask for feedback often. The more frequently you ask, the faster you can change your behavior.

•  Ask for feedback immediately. You’ll reduce the time between the event and the feedback you receive so the person’s memory is fresh and you don’t suffer from revisionist history.

When I walked into Annette’s office four months later, I expected to find her jet-lagged and gripping a large cup of coffee. She’d just returned from her industry’s global conference in London the prior morning. Instead of dragging herself out of her chair when I arrived at her office door, Annette leaped up, grinning from ear to ear. Her eyes sparkled, and she had the relaxed look of someone who had just come back from a spa.

“Carson, the conference went better than I could have ever imagined! In two days, I succinctly and confidently responded to questions from 23 different industry CEOs. At the cocktail reception, a CEO who was in one of my one-on-one industry updates cornered me. All he wanted to talk about was us acquiring his firm! Paul has been pursuing him for 18 months, and he called me this morning and told me he had heard how well I did and looked forward to talking to the CEO about an acquisition.”

Annette had represented her company, her division, and herself with authority, credibility, and confidence. Without feedback it would not have been possible. Eighteen months later Annette was promoted.

OVERRIDE YOUR BRAIN’S NEGATIVITY BIAS

It can be hard to believe you’re valuable, and even tougher to ask to be recognized for your contributions when you’re stuck on an endless repeat of your mistakes and bad work experiences. It’s easy to get stuck in the vortex of negative ruminations. Why? Because of the brain’s “negativity bias.” Your brain is simply hardwired for a greater sensitivity to unpleasant news.⁴ While this may have served us well thousands of years ago when we had to avoid rampaging predators and rival tribes, today this negativity erodes confidence and self-esteem, which can make it difficult to use your strengths to achieve your goals. You can’t get recognized if your performance is subpar.

It’s time to override your brain’s negativity bias.

Dark circles under his eyes, scrubs rumpled, Jerome was on his second cup of coffee—and his tenth negative comment. He’d been on call last night, and it was busy. Twenty minutes into our coaching session, I said, “Jerome, have you noticed that we spend most of our coaching sessions with you telling me all your mistakes, screwups, and missteps? I hear about conversations with colleagues, nurses, and administrators where you did not communicate clearly, how you got angry during a surgery and snapped at your nurse, or about the email you sent with typos. Rarely do I hear anything positive.”

“As a physician, I’m trained to evaluate my performance, especially my mistakes so I can learn from them,” he said.

“And what happens when all you think about is your mistakes, especially on your drive home from work?”

“Well, obviously, I overlook where I have improved my communication skills, which is what we are working on,” Jerome replied. “But I think it’s starting to impact my family. When I get home from work, I’m depressed, angry, frustrated, and disappointed in myself. And I take it out on Elaine and the boys. I’ll shout at Elaine and the boys, then retreat to my office for the rest of the evening.”

“Would you be open to a strategy to stop rehashing every mistake, slight, and negative event from your day on your commute home so you don’t shout at Elaine and the boys?”

“Of course.”

“On your way home from work, at each red stoplight, answer out loud two questions: What was one win today? And what did I do to contribute to that win? The stoplight is your trigger to identify a positive work experience. Saying your win out loud halts your negative self-talk and reinforces the positive work experience.”

Jerome furrowed his brow, raised an eyebrow, and looked at me as though I had just suggested a woo-woo pop psychology idea from the self-help aisle at the bookstore.

I explained to Jerome that the research on using self-affirmations, what I had asked him to do on his drive home from work, showed it could enhance his problem solving under stress and enable him to separate who he is as a person from his mistakes and missteps.⁵

After a long pause, he said, “Well, what I’m doing now isn’t working. So I’ll try it.”

Over the next few months Jerome used the stoplights on his drive home from work as his reminder to speak aloud a positive work experience. The first few weeks he only did it a few times. As he realized that there were more wins than failures, his confidence improved, and he worked harder on being an impactful, persuasive communicator and leader. By the fourth month, he was using the strategy every day.

About six months later, I received a text from Jerome’s wife, Elaine. She said, “Thank you for your work with Jerome. He’s happier, more relaxed, and the boys can’t wait for him to get home.” I also received a text from Jerome. He had been named the new medical director of the Pediatric Cardiology division.

What can you do to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts? Here are seven strategies to override your brain’s negativity bias so you can leverage your strengths to achieve your goals and be appreciated for your accomplishments. Each one can be implemented in less than five minutes. You don’t need to use all of them to flip your brain’s switch from negative to positive. Choose the one strategy that is the easiest for you to implement.

Negativity Bias Strategy #1: Rehearse Good News and Share It

You walk through the door at the end of the day, and the first thing out of your mouth is what went wrong today. The barista messed up your coffee order, the staff meeting went an hour long, there was an accident on the highway, you were stuck in traffic for 45 minutes, and your friend didn’t text you back. Before you know it, you’ve spent most of the evening telling your spouse, partner, significant other, or friend everything that went wrong during your day.

You’re fixated on the negative.

Simply flip your brain’s negative script and instead share only the good things that happened to you during the day. Your mind needs practice focusing on the positive. Share your good news first. Walk into your home and let the first words out of your mouth be the three positive things that happened during the day.

Negativity Bias Strategy #2: Share Two Roses and a Thorn

Every night at dinner, each member of our family shares two roses and one thorn from the day. The roses are positive events, experiences, or feelings from our day, and the thorn is the negative. This is a great way for our entire family to focus on the good in our lives. We also learn about each other’s days. And there are many evenings after we’ve shared our two roses that we realize we don’t have a thorn and we’ll add an additional rose.

Use this simple framework to help you identify your successes or enjoyable events from your day. Ask your family, a friend, or a colleague to do this with you so you have the accountability and support to do this daily. Remember, your mind needs practice to focus on the positive.

Negativity Bias Strategy #3: Break the Cycle

Someone cuts in front of you in line for coffee and pretends they didn’t see you. You get mad. Then when you step up to the counter to place your order, you snap at the barista. Negative experiences are sticky and often lead to further negative experiences. Break this cycle. The next time someone is rude, upsets you, or cuts you off in traffic, forgive them in the moment. The easiest way to do this is to assume honorable intent and then reframe the situation.

Let’s use someone cutting you off in traffic as an example. In order to break the cycle, you first assume honorable intent and say to yourself that if they had another option, they would have made a different choice. Then reframe the situation. Imagine they’ve received a phone call from the hospital and their family member is in the emergency room. How would you react? They didn’t cut you off to ruin your day. They cut you off because they were frantically trying to get to the hospital.

Sure, there will be times when you are so mad you can’t break the cycle. I get it. Give yourself a pass and try again. Your goal is to realize when one negative event is adversely impacting future events and then to break the cycle.

Negativity Bias Strategy #4: Feed the Positive

What you focus on becomes your reality. Your thoughts can and do dictate your experiences. So, focus on and feed the positive. How can you do this? A few ideas are to dictate or write down three to five pleasant things that happened to you during the day. Keep thank you notes, affirmations, or words of praise from your clients, boss, or colleagues and refer to them when you feel yourself caught in a downward spiral of “you suck.”

I personally have a folder in my office labeled “Get Out of Your Funk.” In it I keep emails from our clients on how we’ve helped them, their teams, or their organization. I also add cards from my team, praise from previous bosses, and thank you notes in this folder. When that negative voice chirps in my ear, I pull out this file so I can focus on an accomplishment or a positive experience from the past. It counteracts the powerful vortex of negative emotions and validates that I’ve been successful in the past, which makes it easier to imagine myself successful in the future.

Negativity Bias Strategy #5: Keep a Report Card on Your Best Efforts

Review your to-do list at the end of the day, and next to each completed task, note the effort you put into it. For example, 50 percent, 80 percent, or 100 percent effort. Identify your top three best effort tasks and write or type them on a new list called “Best Efforts.” Add to your “Best Efforts” list each day for a week. By the end of the week, you’ll have 15 reminders of your efforts and positive work experiences so you can override your brain’s negativity bias. If you can’t think of anything positive you’ve done, ask a trusted colleague to share how you’ve supported them or one of their projects this week.

Negativity Bias Strategy #6: Notice When You’re Negative

Notice and identify when you’re focused more on the negative. Is there a day, a week, or even a month that you notice you’re more negative than positive? Is there a time of day you’re more inclined to fixate on the negative? Or are there projects that tend to bring out the Debbie Downer in you? To change your behavior, the first step is to be aware of when your brain concentrates on the negative. You can’t change what you are not aware of in your life. Once you’re cognizant of your patterns, you can decide to do something differently.

To shift your negative thoughts and emotions, use movement, music, humor, fellowship, or affirmations. For example, walk the halls in your office, listen to your favorite song, watch a silly cat video on YouTube, talk to a friend or colleague, or state an affirmation such as “I made a mistake and I’ll learn from it.” Identify which one works best for you; then use it the next time you find yourself at 9:27 a.m. on a Monday morning stuck in the negative mental quagmire of “I am terrible at my job.”

Negativity Bias Strategy #7: Focus on Solving Problems

If you’re caught in the swirl of negative thoughts, focus on solving problems. Use a visual reminder to help your brain shift gears from negativity to problem solving. Make a stop sign and post it on your desk or computer or change your phone screen saver to a stop sign. The stop sign reminds you that you can control your thinking and change the story you are currently telling yourself. Every time a negative thought pops up, look at the stop sign and say, “Stop.” Ask yourself, what would a successful, confident person do right now to solve this the problem? Then do it!

To be recognized for your contributions at work, you must believe that you’re valuable. Override your brain’s negativity bias. Focus on your positive work experiences.

TAKE OWNERSHIP FOR YOUR RECOGNITION NEEDS

When I interview potential new team members, I always ask them to describe their best day at work. Their responses typically include an accomplishment and a form of acknowledgment. For example, “I planned our employee summit, and my manager told me that it was the best summit the firm had ever sponsored,” or “I figured out why the tax withholdings were not calculating correctly on one of our employee’s paychecks and she received a refund. She sent me an email thanking me for my help.”

As a manager, I listen to hear what types of experiences contribute to a potential employee’s best day at work and the form of recognition and praise that is important to the person. When I hired my chief of staff, Wendelyn, she described her best day as finally placing a new team member for an extremely difficult client. In front of the entire team, her manager thanked her for her hard work and praised her for finding the exceptional candidate. Wendelyn needs and wants verbal praise, preferably in front of her colleagues. This is how she prefers to be appreciated for her efforts.

How do you want to be recognized for your accomplishments at work? Do you need verbal praise, or do you want written praise, or do you prefer your name on a plaque on the wall? Do you want to be acknowledged in front of your peers, senior leadership, or the entire firm for your achievements? Or are you like Patti, whom I met at the writer’s conference, who prefers a quiet “Thank you for your hard work”?

To identify how you want to be seen and praised for your contributions, reflect, journal, or talk to a friend or colleague about each of the following questions:

•  What was your best day at work? If you can’t think of a best day at work, can you think about a time when you were seen and valued for your contributions? Maybe this was when you volunteered at a nonprofit, served on a committee at your child’s school, or were a member of an athletic team.

•  What happened?

•  What did you do?

•  How did you feel?

•  What type of praise and recognition did you receive?

Be honest with yourself as you consider each question. Once you have answered each question, look for any themes or trends in your answers. This is how you want to receive acknowledgment.

We all want and need to be seen and valued. To desire praise does not mean that you are egocentric or arrogant or that you are not a team player. Appreciation for your contributions is integral to being content at work. If you are not clear on how you need to be affirmed, how can your manager recognize you in a way that supports your self-esteem and makes you feel valuable? I would argue that your manager can’t.

Ask for What You Need

Once you are clear on your needs, the next step is to determine how to get them met in your job. This is where you will feel the fear and do it anyway. When I coach our clients to ask to have their acknowledgment needs met, most of them look at me with terror in their eyes. They often say what you may be thinking: “What will my manager think of me when I ask for what I need to be appreciated and valued?” I’ll offer you the response I always give my clients: “What will happen if you don’t ask? More of the same?”

The best way to ask for what you need is to connect it to elevating your performance. This moves the spotlight from you to your impact in the organization. And it can neutralize some of your fears. Use the same SEE feedback model you used to receive feedback on your performance—be specific, use an example, and explain. In this situation, you are specific about the type of recognition and praise that you need, you provide an example of what this looks like, and you explain how you would like to receive it.

Andy was newly promoted and leading a team for the first time. He was excited and gratified that the firm saw his potential and hired me as a coach to help him transition into his new role. A few months into our coaching engagement, Andy told me that he had begun to feel unrecognized and underappreciated. I was surprised. I asked him what had changed.

“I really don’t know. I didn’t feel this way when Rylan was my manager,” he replied.

“What did Rylan do differently than Sahil, your new manager?”

“Well, she set clear expectations of me and the team. And she praised my contributions and accomplishments,” he said.

“Which of these does Sahil do?”

“He sets clear expectations of me and the team. But he hasn’t noticed my contributions, nor any of my accomplishments. We brought in a new client three weeks ago, and he still has not said anything to me about it!”

“Would you like him to recognize your contributions and accomplishments?”

“Of course,” Andy replied. “But how do I get him to do that?”

I thought for a minute. “How about this: Sahil knows that communication and delegation skills are the focus of our coaching. Have you considered asking him to support your professional development? What if you asked him to verbally acknowledge you for a specific behavior tied to one of your coaching goals? It could be as simple as Sahil telling you that you did a great job being clear and concise, which are two of your coaching communication goals,” I said.

“I can’t ask him to tell me I did a great job. This isn’t Little League baseball, and I’m not 12,” Andy said.

“I understand. It can be scary to admit you have a need and to ask for it. However, what happens if you don’t ask?”

Andy narrowed his eyes at me, pressed his lips together, and scrunched his shoulders up to his ears. Resistance and fear had set in. At our next coaching session, a month later, I asked Andy how things were going with Sahil.

“Well, I finally took your advice. Sahil told me he wanted to support my leadership development and immediately started acknowledging when I communicated or delegated effectively.”

Andy took the courageous step to ask for the praise and affirmation he needed. So can you.

Rehearse the Conversation

The final step to take ownership for your recognition needs is to rehearse the conversation you want to have with your manager with a friend or colleague. This will trick your brain into thinking that you’ve already had the conversation. So, when it’s time to ask your manager to meet your needs, your brain thinks you’re having the conversation for a second time, not the first.

You cannot assume that your manager knows how to acknowledge your accomplishments. If you are not recognized in a way that is meaningful to you, it is up to you identify your specific needs and ask to have them met. The goal is authentic appreciation. You need to be seen and valued for the person you are and the contributions you make to your company. Remember that we are all unique individuals with diverse appreciation needs. You may need verbal praise or written affirmations or tangible gifts like time off or tickets to your local sports team’s home game. Maybe it’s quality time with your manager or a colleague where you can catch up, share your ideas, and have their focused attention and a quality conversation. Or you may feel valued when your manager or others on your team reach out and help you or when they work alongside you on a difficult project. Appreciation and recognition are not one-size-fits-all. They are personal. You are on a transformational journey to turn any job into your dream job. It is up to you to be clear on your distinct appreciation needs and then ask for what you need.

SHOW ME THE MONEY

My husband, Andrew, and I have watched the movie Jerry Maguire so many times I’ve lost count. If you haven’t seen the film, Tom Cruise plays Jerry, a sports agent who leaves a highly paid position at his firm to found his own values-based company. Our favorite scene is when professional football player Rod Tidwell, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., tells Jerry to “show me the money!” Rod wants more money. He also wants the respect and recognition afforded to professional football players who receive high salaries for their performance on the field.

At certain points in your career, and maybe even right now, you too may have had moments where you wanted to shout, “Show me the money!” And understandably so! You want to be financially rewarded for your skills and contributions that enable the company to be profitable. Money is the currency of appreciation in our world. It is one way companies can express their appreciation for the job you perform.

If you’ve ever found out that a colleague whose job is the same as or similar to yours is making more money than you, you’ve probably felt worthless, underappreciated, or maybe even incompetent. When you feel this way, your self-esteem plummets and your performance drops, neither of which contributes to being satisfied, valued, and fulfilled at work.

If your compensation is no longer aligned with the contributions you make in your organization, ask for a raise. Remember the employer-employee relationship is a social contract based on give-and-take. So you want to establish your request for a raise on your track record of exemplary performance. If your company has a formal review process, you have documentation of your performance. If not, schedule time with your manager to get feedback on your performance and share your goals. In the conversation, let your manager know that your priority is to excel in your current role and your long-term goal is to advance in your career. Solicit specific feedback on how you can improve in your current role and what you can do to prepare and position yourself for your next role.

As you implement your manager’s feedback and continue to exceed expectations in your current position, proactively communicate your accomplishments. Your manager is busy and doesn’t always know your achievements. When you talk to your manager, focus on the specific details of your successes and how they have positively impacted the business. For example:

•  Did you increase revenue?

•  Did you retain a client who was considering leaving?

•  Did you receive positive feedback from a client, colleague, or leader in the organization regarding your work?

•  Did you lead your team to find a solution to a challenging organizational problem?

•  Was there a positive improvement/change as a result of your skills?

Emphasize how you’ve added value to your team and company. And don’t forget to include the data. Numbers are observable and verifiable indicators of your performance. Consistently demonstrate your value in the organization and communicate it frequently.

You have solid performance. You’ve documented and consistently communicated your achievements to your manager. Now it’s time to prepare to ask for a raise.

The first step is to do your research to determine your market value. When you ask for your raise, you want to know the salary ranges for professionals in your geographic area and in your industry with similar job titles, qualifications, and responsibilities. You can use sites like PayScale, Glassdoor, and Salary.com to find out the market rate for your current position or the position you want. If your manager asks you how much you’d like to make, be specific. For example, instead of saying you want $70,000 or $75,000, ask for $72,500. Researchers at Columbia Business School found that people appear more informed if they ask for a precise number.⁶ Also, according to the Society for Human Resource Management, the average raise in 2020 will be 3.3 percent, up from 3.2 percent in 2019,⁷ so keep this percentage in mind as you negotiate your raise (due to the Covid pandemic, this percentage may be lower than cited).

Your second preparation step is to write out and practice the conversation you want to have with your manager. In the discussion, summarize your accomplishments and their impact in the organization. It is important to focus on why you deserve the raise because of the value you’ve provided to the company and the quality of your work, versus why you need to make more money to pay your higher rent, take a vacation to the Caribbean, or host your friend’s bachelorette party. And don’t forget to communicate that you’re invested in the future of the company. This offers a natural transition to what you want to do in the future and how you can contribute to grow the business.

Find a trusted colleague, friend, or partner and rehearse the conversation. Anticipate and practice answering questions your manager might ask. I’ve found that it is much easier to have a conversation that I think might be difficult or uncomfortable after role-playing it with a colleague or friend. When you schedule the meeting with your manager, let your manager know that the purpose of the meeting is to discuss your salary.

When the day of the meeting arrives, if the conversation goes well, and after some back-and-forth negotiations, you receive a raise, I want to share a huge congratulations! But I also want to address what happens if your manager says no. As my prior sales manager always told me, “No is just ‘not now.’” A no from your manager does not have to be the end of the conversation and the negotiation. Ask for an interim performance review with clearly defined goals and a salary adjustment before your next annual review. Or if a raise or a promotion is not possible right now, get creative and ask for things beyond a salary increase like money to attend a professional development course or additional vacation days.

Financial compensation for your contributions at work is an important component of your engagement and fulfillment. If your compensation is not aligned to the impact you make in your organization, ask your manager to show you the money.

You are on a transformational journey to own, love, and make your job work for you. Acknowledge, identify, and ask for the recognition and appreciation you deserve in exchange for your contributions so you can turn any job into your dream job.