CHAPTER ONE   

ESCAPE IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION

Warning, going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.¹

I hated my job. I spent all day on the phone making cold sales calls. People hung up on me. People screamed at me. I was called a variety of unpleasant, unkind names. Throughout the workday, my boss, George, would stand behind me in my small, windowless gray cubicle and read my emails or listen to me as I made sales calls. George made insensitive and inept Michael Scott from The Office look like an effective manager.

One Thursday afternoon I didn’t feel well and left the office at 4:00 p.m. At 4:30 p.m., our home telephone rang.

My husband, Andrew, answered. “Hello?”

“Hi, this is George Smith. Is Carson there?”

“Yes, she’s here.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“Well, she is in bed,” Andrew said. “Is this urgent?”

“No, it’s not really urgent. I wasn’t sure if she was actually sick or just wanted to leave work early today. Well, that’s it, I guess. Thanks.”

Stunned, Andrew hung up the telephone. This was micromanagement on overdrive.

All employees were allowed precisely one hour for lunch. When a few of my teammates arrived seven minutes late after a birthday lunch celebration, George instituted a check-in and check-out system. Each time you left the building, you were required to write your name and the time you left the office on the clipboard posted by the front door. When you returned, you signed back in with your name and the time you returned to the office. At 25 I was back in elementary school where I needed a hall pass to go to the bathroom.

My job was wretched. I had an abysmal boss. I was disgruntled and unhappy. Each day I asked myself, “Do I quit? Do I stay and be miserable? Or do I escape and become a camp counselor?”

As you dread the thought of another day spent at work, maybe you, like me, can only see three options, or doors, to escape your misery.

Door Number One. You quit and get a new job.

Door Number Two. You stay and suffer.

Door Number Three. You escape the nine-to-five to go eat, pray, love, or become an organic lavender farmer in the South of France.*

On the days when I wanted to walk through Door Number Three and escape, I imagined telling George to “take this job and shove it!” I would gaze at my computer screen and dream of being a summer camp counselor at Camp Illahee in Brevard, North Carolina. I’d spend my days in the warm sunshine and cool mountain air lifeguarding on the lake. I didn’t have to listen to incensed, screaming adults—only happy girls having fun. Best of all, there was not a micromanager boss in sight. I took my escape plan so far as to investigate full-time positions at Camp Illahee for me and job opportunities in Brevard for my husband, Andrew. To my dismay, there were no full-time positions available at Camp Illahee and no job prospects for Andrew. However, for about six months my getaway dream was a ray of light guaranteed to make me smile when I wanted to either scream or cry.

Over the years my pipe dream has evolved from summer camp counselor to professional nail polish namer. I imagined myself drinking wine with my girlfriends as we tried on nail polish colors and brainstormed funny nail polish names, like “Party on the Beach,” “Miss Independent,” or “Today I Accomplished Nothing.” No bad bosses, irate clients, or mind-numbing work; just days of wine, laughter, and colorful toenails.

I think we all have some version of the “take this job and shove it” daydream. Maybe it’s silly like mine, incredibly farfetched, or maybe it’s the escape of retirement—a carefree life of travel, tennis, and golf with friends, or sipping tea on a veranda with a picturesque mountain view.

However, deep down, you and I both know that our escape fantasies are just that—daydreams that make us smile and forget the grind for a while, but probably won’t lead to lasting happiness. Work has benefits beyond a paycheck. It can be a source of meaning, fulfillment, connection, and contribution.

Escaping the nine-to-five is not your only option for joy and professional gratification. And really, why would you completely abandon your career, give up your training, education, and experiences, all of which are incredibly valuable, to go find your joy elsewhere? Even people who play the lottery aren’t any happier after winning millions of dollars.³ And what guarantee do you have that your next job or next boss will be any better than your current one? There is another option. You.

It is time to own your power in the relationship with your employer so you can turn any job into your dream job.

IT TAKES TWO: THE EMPLOYER-EMPLOYEE SOCIAL CONTRACT

It’s 8:17 a.m. Monday morning. You glance around your office, and a few bleary eyes, frowns, and yawns are all you can see. An “Is it Friday yet?” poster hangs on your teammate’s cubicle wall. As you turn on your computer, you think, “Only eight hours and 43 minutes to go.”

You are not alone. Disengagement and discontentment consume our workplaces. Only 34 percent of the workforce is engaged.⁴ The current approach to address the disengagement epidemic is clearly not working. Why? Because the solutions have mostly been employer-centric and one-sided. The solutions have not acknowledged that it takes two to change a relationship: your employer and you. The relationship you have with your employer is a social contract. And as a social contract, both parties have expectations of the other party, and both are responsible for the health and vitality of the relationship.

The social contract with your employer can be described in terms of social exchange theory, which proposes that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. It is about give-and-take or balance and reciprocity. According to sociologist George Homans, who developed this theory, you weigh the potential benefits and risks of social relationships.⁵ When the risks outweigh the rewards, you terminate or abandon the relationship. You’ve done this if you’ve ever quit a job or if you’ve come to work but are not really at work or fully engaged in your work. Your body might be at your desk, but your heart and mind are elsewhere.

You and I both know that most relationships are made up of a certain amount of give-and-take, but this does not mean that our relationships are always equal. Social exchange suggests that it is the valuing of the benefits and costs of each relationship that determines whether we choose to continue a social association. And in healthy relationships, both parties evaluate the benefits and costs of the relationship.

For example, let’s imagine that you have a friend who is fun, outgoing, and always the life of the party. You enjoy being around this person; however, each time the bill arrives for that evening’s festivities, your friend has an excuse as to why he can’t pay his portion. So, you pay your friend’s half of the bill as well as your own. The costs of this relationship are money, time, and effort. And the benefits are the things that you get out of this relationship: fun and companionship. As you examine the value of this relationship, you might decide that the benefits outweigh the costs or that the costs outweigh the benefits. Then, based on your decision, you will either terminate the relationship or continue it.

The exact same thing happens in your relationship with your employer. You judge the value of the benefits of the relationship with your employer, for example, compensation, intellectual stimulation, and/or the positive impact your work makes in society. You evaluate whether or not your contributions and your employer’s contributions to the relationship are balanced and reciprocal. Together, these two assessments determine the health of the relationship and your commitment to the company. It is this commitment that impacts your motivation and job satisfaction, or as I would describe it, how interested, gratified, and fulfilled you are at work.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you hoped and prayed that the other person would magically change? You ask yourself, why won’t he pick up his wet towel off the floor? Why does she have to talk back to the screen when we’re watching a TV show? Like she knows what a Real Housewife would do. Why won’t she ever make reservations for our monthly girls’ night out dinners when I know she has the OpenTable app on her phone? In the most successful relationships, people recognize that the only person they can change is themselves. And if they want the relationship to change, then the change starts first with them.

Your relationship with your employer works the same way. It is time to stop waiting, hoping, or praying for your employer to “fix” the way you’re working. Change starts with you.

Of course, I understand that change is hard. It’s scary. I get it. You might be thinking, “I have bills to pay and people who depend on me,” “I can’t go to my boss and try to make a change,” or “You don’t know my manager, or the company I work for.” Maybe you’re asking yourself: “Will ‘they’ question my commitment? My work ethic? Or if I try to make a change, will this jeopardize my career and destroy everything I’ve worked for?”

I’d like you to consider a different question: What will happen to you if you don’t try to make a change? More of the Sunday night scaries, dreading the thought of Monday morning? More headaches, colds, and sick days? More counting down the days until the weekend? More sleepless nights of despair as you lie in bed wondering, “Is this all there is?”

So, what’s possible if you do identify and make the changes you need to be inspired, content, and fulfilled at work? What’s possible if you do own your career, love your work, and make your job work for you?

Joining a company does not mean abdicating your personal power. You can change the dynamic of the relationship with your employer. You have skills, experiences, and abilities that are vital and meaningful to your employer. You are the engine that fuels your organization’s growth. Neither your boss nor your company has all the power in the relationship. You have an equal and powerful voice.

You can be and are the catalyst for change in your life. It is up to you to identify what you need to be more satisfied, stimulated, and joyful at work. It is only then that you will be able to successfully enter into a balanced, reciprocal relationship with your employer.

DOOR NUMBER FOUR: THE PATH OF POSSIBILITY AND CHOICE

Dreading another week of cold sales calls and dealing with my ineffective boss, George, I believed that I had only three exit doors: quit, stay and suffer, or escape. Out of desperation, because none of these options were viable for me, I called my college cross-country coach, Coach Phemister, late one Sunday afternoon for guidance. He had provided wise counsel over the years, and I hoped he might have a different perspective on my miserable job.

“Carson,” he asked me in his raspy, midwestern-accented voice, “In the middle of a cross-country race, do you have the power to change the racecourse?”

“Of course not,” I replied.

“Right, the racecourse is fixed,” Coach said. “Just because you don’t want to run uphill to the finish line doesn’t mean you can change the course.”

He continued, “Do you remember what I told you before regionals your senior year? The only thing you can change during a race is you—your mindset, your stride, your breathing, and your self-talk. This is your power. This is how you win races, and I would suggest how you also win in life. So, what can you change about your job?”

Coach Phemister reacquainted me with the power of choice. I had the power to choose my response to people and situations, because even when I did not feel like I had any control, I always had control over myself. I hung up the phone energized, excited, and ready to walk through another door—Door Number Four.

Door Number Four is the door of choice and possibility. This is the door where you don’t have to quit your job and completely give up your training, education, hard work, and investment in your career—all of which are incredibly valuable—to go find your joy and fulfillment elsewhere. You don’t have to stay and suffer. Through this door, you have choice, control, and the ability to turn any job into your dream job.

When Monday morning arrived a few hours later, I walked into my office with renewed energy and hope. George was still my boss, and the check-in sheet was still posted by the door. However, I now saw that there were possibilities to create a more rewarding work environment through the power of my choices. I chose to develop my sales skills. What steps could I take to improve my outbound sales calls? What tools and resources existed to enable me to know more about the people or companies I was calling, so I could better align our services with their needs?

My first step was to ask the top salesperson in the company if I could shadow him a few times a month and listen to his outbound sales calls and join him on a few of his in-person sales meetings. Then I sat down with George and outlined my sales development plan. I asked for his feedback on the plan and for his support through scheduled daily afternoon check-ins. Within a month, he no longer came by my cubicle multiple times a day, and he stopped hovering over me during phone calls.

Four months after I leveraged the power of choice and embraced the control I had over myself, I was promoted and given the opportunity to open a new market for the company. I had walked through Door Number Four. So can you.

I know there are situations where your boss won’t budge, shift, or change at all. However, you can change. There are things you can do. It is possible to own your career, love your work, and make your job work for you through the power of your choice. You can change how you choose to engage with your boss or how you choose to respond to him or her. There are also situations where you may choose to leave your job because it is the best next step to advance your career and fulfill your dreams. In both situations you embraced the power of choice and possibility.

Quitting, suffering, and escaping the nine-to-five are not your only options. You can turn any job into your dream job. You can walk through Door Number Four.

STAY IN THE GAME

When you feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, unseen, and unfulfilled at work, it is hard to believe that you don’t have to throw it all away. You don’t have to quit or escape. In our moments of pain, suffering, and fear, it can be hard to see there are other options, much less trust that you have the power to change your professional life. You do have the power to stop running and stay in the game.

Kiri’s voice was two octaves higher than usual, his cheeks had red spots, and his hands were balled into fists. He shoved his résumé across the brown, shiny conference room table as he said to me, “I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. I’m quitting. Here’s my résumé. What do you think?”

He was angry. We’d reached the tipping point in my client’s frustration and dissatisfaction with his job. And the only solution in Kiri’s mind was to quit and find another job.

I took a deep breath and hoped that Kiri might mirror my breathing and begin to calm down. “Before we begin, let’s go get a cup of coffee in the breakroom.”

I knew Kiri would not be able to brainstorm or think rationally when he was amped up on anger-fueled adrenaline. I needed him to walk off some of his anger because movement is one of the most effective ways to discharge and neutralize emotions.

When we returned to the conference room, I said, “Before we talk about your résumé, let’s first address your anger. Anger is a no. It’s our body’s way of telling us that there has been some type of boundary violation. For example, think about the anger you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic. You’re angry because cutting in line is not fair; you were there first. What do you think your anger might be telling you?”

He paused, the red from his cheeks finally fading, his hands now unclenched and resting on the table, and said with a loud sigh, “That I haven’t had clear boundaries with the other members of the leadership team around how much time and support I can give them on their projects. And I have allowed myself to be pulled into too many different corporate projects that, while important to the company, have taken me away from my team and our responsibilities.”

“And how has a lack of clear boundaries impacted you and your relationships?” I asked.

“Well, every time Robert, Karen, or Jin asks me for my opinion on a case or advice on how to approach the senior leadership to get their buy-in or to take on another joint project, I feel resentful and completely overwhelmed. I feel like I’m leading the entire division without the title or paycheck. I feel like my contributions are not fully recognized by my manager. I feel underappreciated.”

“I’m curious. What’s at stake if you chose to leave?”

Kiri thought about it for a few moments and then said, “Well, first my relationships with my colleagues. If I go to a competitor, they will be hurt and angry. Due to my noncompete agreement, I will have to completely change industries, which means I have to basically start my career all over again.” Kiri paused and added, “I don’t know if I’m willing to have any of those things happen.”

I nodded and asked, “Have you ever heard the saying, 'Wherever you go, there you are’?”

“No.”

“Well, what I would invite you to consider is that if you chose to leave your current job and are struggling with healthy, clear boundaries and communication here, the same situation may also occur in your new position if you don’t change yourself, because there you are.”

Kiri reached across the table and gently pulled his résumé back toward him, folded it in half, and put it in the spiral notebook he had laid on the table.

“So, what do you choose to do next?” I asked.

He looked me in the eye and said, “I’ll start with me.”

The challenges you are facing at work will not be solved by changing your work environment. A new job at a new company will be different, but you won’t be different. If Kiri had chosen to leave, he probably would have experienced the same or a very similar situation at his new job. You must own your “piece of the action.”

Over the next few months, Kiri worked on his communication skills. He identified what healthy boundaries looked and felt like with each of his colleagues. Kiri had multiple courageous conversations with each member of the leadership team and his manager to realign his contributions to their individual and corporate projects.

Six months after Kiri had thrust his résumé across the table at me, he called me on his way home early on a Friday afternoon to prepare for his daughter’s birthday party that weekend. With joy and excitement in his voice, he told me he had just launched the company’s first internship program, and his team had just supported the sales team in closing the largest account in the year.

Kiri took ownership and made his job work for him.

THE FIVE ESSENTIALS TO OWN, LOVE, AND MAKE YOUR JOB WORK FOR YOU

It was the final straw for me. I could not have one more conversation with a client, colleague, or friend and feel the pain of the person’s despondency and dissatisfaction at work with nothing more to offer than empathy. It was time to find a solution to the disengagement epidemic that was and continues to consume us.

After confirming what our clients were telling me through my research survey, I moved on to the research on employee engagement and the employee engagement strategies our clients and other companies used. Many of them were not thinking about the relationship with their employees as a social contract of give-and-take. And many of our clients also were not thinking about the relationship with their employer this way either.

I finally saw the problem.

The employer-employee relationship is a social contract. As you’ve already learned, this means the employee has an equal and powerful voice to change the dynamic of the relationship. But how was I going to test my theory and ultimately find a solution? Bright spots.

I decided to find and interview people in a variety of industries and positions who were inspired, driven, and fulfilled at work. As I interviewed these bright spots, themes quickly began to emerge that aligned with what my survey research revealed and what I knew about human motivation, the motivation that drives human social behavior and humankind’s search for meaning. I had the beginnings of a solution and a model. It was time to test it.

With clients who were disgruntled and demotivated, I tested what I had identified as the essential strategies and tools to turn any job into your dream job. It was trial and error because some strategies worked, and others did not. As I continued working with clients and they became more satisfied, stimulated, and content, I refined the model to what I call the five essentials to own, love, and make your job work for you: admit, align, develop, cultivate, and design.

•  Admit. Acknowledge and ask for the recognition and appreciation due to you in exchange for your contributions.

•  Align. Align your strengths and skills to support the accomplishment of your company’s goals. Organize your work in a way that aligns with your life and the goals of the company.

•  Develop. Develop skills and knowledge that motivate and inspire you and advance your career as well as the company.

•  Cultivate. Cultivate authentic relationships with the team to advance your career and love your work.

•  Design. Design your job to find meaning in your work.

Any of the strategies in any of the five essentials will move you one step closer to turning any job into the job of your dreams. The five essentials are independent of each other and do not have to be followed in a specific order. Start small and go at your own pace, because those tiny, incremental changes add up. I will show you exactly how to apply each essential to your job and encourage you along the way.

If you’re like my clients, you want your work to matter, have significance, and fulfill a deeper sense of purpose. You want to use your unique strengths, skills, and talents. You want to learn, grow, and develop both professionally and personally. You want your job to fit your life. And you are no longer willing to check your humanity at the office door. You have a compelling desire to make a living and enjoy your life.

All of this is possible for you. I can confidently make this promise to you because I’ve helped thousands of our clients use the solutions, tools, and strategies in this book to do exactly that—to own, love, and make their job work for them.

The solutions outlined in the upcoming chapters have been field-tested in almost every type of business you can imagine—for-profits, nonprofits, large corporate organizations, start-ups, privately held, family-owned, publicly traded, and Fortune 100 to the Fortune 1000. I have helped teachers, physicians, consultants, accountants, lawyers, bankers, managers, individual contributors, solo entrepreneurs, analysts, and CEOs. I’ve helped clients whose bosses redefined what it meant to be an asshole, clients in companies that believed employees should be grateful to be paid, and clients in companies that expected you to check who you were, your values, and your sense of humanity at the front door. I know I can help you.

You don’t have to quit. Your job. Your needs. Your dreams.

If you are ready to commit and join me on this journey, please email me at [email protected], with the subject line: “I choose to make a living and be happy.” I can’t wait to hear from you and support you on what I know will be a transformational journey.

You’ve taken the first step. Congratulations. Now, let’s face your fears and use them so they do not derail you.

* This door is also the option to take if you want to pursue your long-held dream to become an entrepreneur and start your own business. If this is you, go do it! Don’t let anyone hold you back from your dreams!