Conflict and stress feed one another. When you are more stressed, you are more likely to find yourself in conflict with the people around you, because your perspective on issues is not as clear as it could be. When you fall into conflict with others, it increases your stress levels. How to resolve conflict is an essential part of stress control.
Notice the phrase: ‘when you fall into conflict’. This is what it is often like: it seems as if you have reached the edge of the cliff and then … you fall. Sometimes we know it is happening and feel unable to stop ourselves leaning over. This is often a sign of stress, so this chapter begins with how to recognise escalating conflict.
At the core of the chapter are two sections: five approaches to dealing with conflict, and a seven-step process for resolving conflict. The last section introduces two ‘industrial-strength’ solutions: mediation and arbitration.
How to recognise escalating conflict
Conflict has a way of escalating out of control. It all starts when harmony is disturbed by a simple irritant – usually something that is objectively very minor. Yet, to one party, it is significant and a failure to accommodate it leads to escalation.
As we meet resistance, we become annoyed then exasperated, moving to anger and maybe even rage. Conflict reaches its peak at various forms of abuse from verbal to physical violence, and it can all happen astonishingly quickly. Like stress, the later stages of this escalation are marked by a loss of control.
The warning signs
Therefore, if you can spot the signs early, it will help you to defuse the conflict while it is still relatively easy to do so. The essential skills are to observe behaviours and to listen carefully, particularly to the unspoken messages. Here are some of the warning signs that you can pick up from body language:
Discomfort
The first thing you might notice if you are observing two people is one or both of them shifting their posture from leaning in towards the other (accord) or a neutral posture, to leaning away from one another. This is an attempt to increase the space between them, signalling that they feel uncomfortable with that person.
As they start feeling insecure about their position, a telltale sign is neck touching. We do this to relieve insecurity, doubt or uncomfortable emotions, so you may see a man adjust his collar or tie, or a woman play with a necklace.
Disagreement
Annoyance is often signalled by short repetitive movements, such as tapping fingers or shifting weight from one foot to another. Both of these, however, could also indicate impatience, which may be positive: a keenness to proceed. So, also look out for distinct signs of disagreement. Frowning is often first, showing a struggle to understand either what is being said or why it is being said. This latter reason suggests disagreement and a stronger indicator will be when they raise their hand towards the eye. If the brow cannot cover enough of the eye, this gesture now truly strengthens the signal to disbelief or disagreement. We literally don’t want to see what we are hearing.
Stress
A furrowed brow is a clear sign of anxiety or even stress, and if you see them rub their brow, they are struggling to process an idea. If the anxiety grows, you are likely to see self-comforting behaviours, like wrapping of the arms around the body or rubbing their hands on their thighs.
You will start to hear changes in the voice at this stage too. It will be faster, more breathy, and sentences will become more staccato in the way they are delivered. Body movements may mirror this and also become more jerky.
Anger
To spot anger, look for signs that the fight-or-flight reaction is engaged – faster breathing, pallid look and an increase in muscle tension. This last one is easiest to see around the jaw line, particularly in men. At the extreme, you may also see fists tighten and hear the pitch of the voice increase, as throat muscles tighten. In men, you will often hear instead a deliberate attempt to control their voice and lower the pitch to make them sound bigger and more powerful, and this will usually come with an increase in volume.
Dominance and submission
Watch hands. We use these both consciously and unconsciously to signal our status and attitude in a negotiation or conflict. If I point my finger or stab my hand in your direction, I am blaming you. If my palms are back and I stand or sit with the backs of my hands towards you, I feel dominant and I may try to assert my control with a two-handed, palms-down gesture, pushing my hands gently downwards from chest to waist height: ‘Calm down.’ But, if I raise my hands, with palms towards you, I am submitting, ‘Stop!’ If I hold my hands out, palms-up, I am being placatory without submitting: ‘Trust me.’
A word of warning
Please do not try to over-interpret a single gesture. Look for patterns and clusters of signs. A single gesture usually means nothing: I may touch my brow because I disagree, or maybe because I have an itch. I may hug my arms around my body because I am anxious, or because I am cold.
Recognising avoidance
Conflicts tend to escalate when people avoid contentious issues that need to get resolved, so the stakes have increased by the time we confront them. So, you know that there is a problem, but you don’t address it and, despite your hopes, it does not go away. If you don’t discuss it, the distrust and negative feelings towards the other person increase, as you start to fantasise about their motives and intentions, which is all you can do in the absence of real information.
This causes you to lose perspective on the real issue and start to attach blame for the situation. You hear yourself talk about the other person in abstract terms and with sweeping generalisations. They have ceased to be Jack or Jackie and are now he or she, who is ‘always this’ and ‘never that’. So the tensions grow and the conflict escalates, even if the issue itself has not developed or grown in any way. Familiar?
Five approaches to dealing with conflict
We have five fundamental approaches to dealing with conflict.
Approach 1: Step away
Of course, avoiding conflict is sometimes the right thing to do. Step away when you cannot possibly win, when the issue really is not important, or if the emotional temperature is too high, and you want to wait for a better time to engage with another approach.
But do not use this as a tactic merely to put off the inevitable, or to goad the other person. Both will probably have the effect of escalating the conflict to no benefit for either party.
Approach 2: Make concessions
Making concessions to the other person is a way of de-escalating the conflict, but beware that each concession may encourage manipulative behaviour that seeks a further concession. So, make each new concession smaller than the last – about half of the value. This creates a self-limiting process. This is a good strategy when you realise that ‘winning’ on this issue is less important than maintaining good relations and can also sometimes set up a sense of obligation that can mean you will win concessions ‘next time’. If there can be no next time, then this approach has less value.
If you find yourself using this approach a lot, check with yourself that it is fully justified each time, and not a sign of low self-esteem. Making concessions can be a passive behaviour, where you do not expect the concession to be reciprocated. Then it becomes appeasement.
Approach 3: Play to win
When the outcome really matters to you and you have no qualms about the risk of further escalation, then playing to win will be your preferred approach. Use this strategy when you know you are right and when there is no time for debate, or when there is no chance of defusing the conflict, and getting a resolution quickly will minimise the harm.
But avoid the cycle of aggressive or bullying behaviour when winning becomes an end in itself, and you do not consider the consequences of the approach, nor the rights and wrongs of the outcomes you are pressing for. This will lose you respect as well as friends, and will ultimately fail when you come up against someone bigger and stronger than you are.
Approach 4: Some give and take
‘I’ll give up something, if you give up something too’ is a good solution if you need to defuse tension and work towards an acceptable compromise. It will not leave either party truly happy, as they survey what they have given up, but neither will it leave them seriously aggrieved if the parties have behaved fairly. Whilst Approach 2 is about making unilateral concessions, here they are balanced, and this approach should satisfy both parties’ needs for a sense of equity. It is broadly cooperative and can get to a final position relatively quickly, once each is in the mood to concede.
Don’t get too hooked on this approach or it will become a game that you play – setting up bargains and doing deals. If this happens, you will associate victory with getting a result, rather than with getting a good result. This is the equivalent, for negotiators, of selling at a loss.
Approach 5: Go for ‘win-win’
The gold standard for conflict resolution is a result where both parties feel they have won, and got everything they wanted – and more. Instead of trading concessions as you do in Approach 4, here you are looking to add new things to the discussion to create advantages for each other. This is a time-consuming tactic that takes hard work and commitment, but the rewards can be huge in building up trust and respect.
Use this approach when the outcome is very important, and so is an excellent long-term relationship. It means investing in understanding each other and working together collaboratively. There may well be setbacks along the way and you may seek outside help in the form of a mediator, to support the process.
Seven-step process for resolving conflict
De-escalation starts with a commitment to respect the other person, and then working to build an understanding of them and their needs. You will need to work together to clarify each other’s issues and positions, and separate them from your genuine needs, so that you can then start to explore possible solutions. When you choose one solution, you have the basis for a resolution and you can create a plan to move forward. This section gives a seven-step process for resolving conflict.
Step 1: Make the choice to engage positively
The first step is to acknowledge for yourself that conflict exists and decide that you will respect the other person. In your mind, separate the person from the problem – their behaviour might be appalling, but respect them even if you cannot respect how they handle themself.
In the SCOPE process (Chapter 5), this step corresponds to Stop.
Step 2: Make contact
Contact the other person and declare the breakdown in good communication and state your commitment to a process of resolving the dispute. Seek their commitment in return. Recognise that it may be hard for each of you, but offer your willingness to enter the process with an open mind.
Step 3: Appreciate the courage that the other party is showing
Be prepared to listen first and encourage honesty by respecting that whatever you hear, no matter how uncomfortable, it is what the other person thinks and feels. You may not agree, but it is their truth, so respect it. Demonstrate empathy for their feelings and show that you are prepared to work hard to understand their position.
Step 4: Understand each other’s points of view
‘Seek first to understand; then to be understood.’Stephen Covey
Start to build rapport by listening hard (‘Listen more than you speak’ is a good rule) and look for common ground – issues and parts of issues that you both agree on. Share facts, feelings, perspectives, concerns and definitions, so that you can distinguish facts from opinions, and issues from positions. When you truly understand the other person’s point of view, you may realise you have been wrong. If so, admit it straight away, apologise, and move on. Put progress in resolving the conflict ahead of your pride.
In the SCOPE process, this step corresponds to Clarify.
At this stage, you may find that the other person does not wish to resolve the conflict. It takes two to tango, so if this is the case, your only option is to make clear your desire to resolve things constructively, then courteously withdraw.
Step 5: Agree criteria for a resolution
What are your respective absolute requirements for a solution and what external pressures and time constraints are you both subject to? Use these to figure out and share your bottom-line criteria and, if they are wholly incompatible, you may agree that resolution is impossible and look for a way to coexist, without coming into conflict: a form of strategic avoidance.
When you have agreed your criteria, use them as a basis to reiterate your respective commitments to what you are now committed to do.
Step 6: Explore options and possible solutions
The two things to discover are:
- What is available to you both?
- What is missing?
Think of each of these in terms of resources, possibilities and processes. These will help you to identify your options.
Be creative and generate as many options as you can, by being flexible and taking ideas from all available sources. Be generous in crediting the other person with ideas. This will build trust and strengthen their commitment to the idea. Resolving the conflict should be more important to you than taking credit for how it happens.
In the SCOPE process, this step corresponds to Options.
Step 7: Offer a resolution
The last step is to agree on the best solution and then work together to plan your next actions. This stage will often include requests of – and promises to – each other, and these can solidify your sense of agreement and collaboration. It is always nice to mark the agreement in some way: maybe not formally, but informally, with either a statement that you have resolved the conflict and reached agreement, or perhaps a handshake.
In the SCOPE process, this step corresponds to Proceed.
Mediation and arbitration
When a conflict or dispute is too difficult for the disputants to resolve alone, two options for help are mediation and arbitration.
Mediation: an impartial person helps two or more people reach a solution that is acceptable to everyone.
Arbitration: an impartial person is asked to make a decision on a dispute.
In the UK, ACAS (Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service) is a non-departmental body, funded by government to ‘improve organisations and working life through better employment relations’. They provide services to business and their website, www.acas.org.uk, offers a wealth of valuable information. There are also professional mediators and arbitrators who specialise in the whole range of personal and commercial issues.
Mediation
Workplace disputes can poison the atmosphere, leaving everyone miserable – not just the protagonists. You will want to resolve the situation as quickly as possible: before the words ‘tribunal’ or ‘solicitor’ are uttered, and here mediation can help. A mediator can often broker a resolution that both parties will agree to. For small disputes, some common sense and patience can help people find sufficient common ground to bury the hatchet. If you choose to help, then here is a basic process. Different mediators and different contexts mean that there is a range of variations on this theme.
A mediation process
Let’s introduce the two people in conflict as Person A, the person who has declared the grievance, and Person B.
Step 1: Meet the first person (usually A) and listen carefully to their point of view and then confirm with A that they are prepared to meet B.
Step 2: Now meet B. Sometimes, this meeting starts with an agreement to pursue mediation; at other times, that agreement will already have been given. Listen carefully to their point of view, and then confirm with B that they are prepared to meet A.
Assuming both people have agreed to meet, you will need to reflect on what the fundamental issues are, before…
Step 3: Meet A to share information and plan a three-way meeting.
Step 4: Meet B to share information and plan a three-way meeting.
Step 5: Facilitate a meeting between A and B, at which they each listen to the other as they express their point of view. Ensure that all issues are shared and that each is listened to with care. Now help A and B explore their issues, and start to create an agreement.
Step 6: When A and B reach an agreement, you may not like it, but document it and ask A and B for formal confirmation with signatures or handshakes. You may even choose to formally witness it.
Step 7: In many cases, you will agree a follow-up role, to monitor how the agreement is working.
Mediation
- Make sure you’re invited
You can only mediate when both parties trust you and want your help. You are not a judge and have no power to impose help, much less a solution. - Prepare scrupulously
Understand the issue from all perspectives before planning the process and getting disputants together. - Create a safe environment and the time you all need
Disputes often persist because they are ‘public property’. A confidential environment can help people express themselves honestly, and listen carefully. - Allow everyone to be heard
Your role is to create a process that ensures all are treated fairly. Let everyone be heard. - Find common ground
Listen, clarify and highlight areas of shared commitment. Help them narrow the area of disagreement. - Remain neutral
Once you hear the first perspective, it is natural to sympathise with that point of view. Who is ‘right’ is irrelevant here (and probably a false concept). - Above all, do no harm
If you are in any doubt about your ability to help, or the risk is too high, seek expert help.
Arbitration
It is unlikely that you will act as an arbitrator among colleagues you know, because they may not fully trust your impartiality. You may, however, arbitrate on a conflict in an area of your organisation about which you can be – and be seen by all to be – wholly impartial. If this is the case, then the process is similar to mediation, but you will make the final decision and may have the authority to impose it.
You will therefore need to be alert to any inadvertent biases that the process or the personalities of the protagonists can throw up. Below is a list of brilliant do’s and don’ts.
Arbitration
Do
- Recognise that there will be merit on both sides or the issue would not need arbitration.
- Give the disputants a chance to rant if they want to.
- Put aside any temptation to help one party get even with the other.
- Separate facts from opinions.
- Ask more questions if you need to.
- Document everything.
- Maintain confidentiality.
- Test out your reasoning before giving your opinion.
Don’t
- Assume that a poorly presented case is a poor case.
- Allow yourself to accept the first perspective you hear uncritically.
- Appear to take sides until you are ready with a considered opinion.
- Let the strength of emotions weight your considerations.
ACAS or other impartial organisations have trained personnel who can apply a transparent process and come up with a fair outcome, and using them can offer the only resolution to long-running conflicts, where cooperation is impossible and mediation has failed.
