What is really important to you?
What things drive the decisions you make in your life?
One of the major sources of stress is a conflict between these values and some of the requirements that work, or our relationships, or our other choices put upon us. Sometimes it’s a conflict between our values and what we are asked to do, sometimes it’s a conflict with the values of our employer, and sometimes it’s a conflict with the values of the people around us: our bosses, colleagues, customers, family members or social contacts. Sometimes it’s a conflict with the values that we believe will make us successful.
Values conflict is a particular source of stress at work. It may be deep-seated and the only way to resolve it is to find different work. However, there may be another solution. We all want to live by our values, but very few of us actually set out to choose them. Have you ever taken time to articulate what your values are, let alone what you want them to be?
Sometimes your acquired values drive you to make choices that serve you poorly. Perhaps those values did serve you well once. Now you are stuck with them – rather like the way you are stuck with your fight-or-flight response, even though it was designed for an ancient environment. The difference is: you can change your values, because they are not part of you. Rather, most of us got them from our parents, our society, our schooling and our religion.
The iceberg model
A compelling way to think of your values, and why they are so important, is to picture yourself as an iceberg. What people see of you is the part that is above the water: your behaviour and the effect you have on the world, as a result. Below the water line are aspects of you that nobody can see: your capabilities, the beliefs you have about yourself and the world, and the values that drive you. Deepest of all is your sense of who you are.
Figure 5.1 The iceberg model
Your values set out what is important to you in life, and when they interact with your beliefs about yourself and the world they combine to create a powerful set of drivers that, mostly unconsciously, control many aspects of your behaviour.
Some of these drivers set up stresses and strains in us as we pursue unhelpful behaviours. Some of your values set up stresses and strains because they conflict with the values of the people you have chosen to spend time with and organisations you have chosen to be a part of.
The next two sections of this chapter focus on the attitudes and beliefs that drive you, and on what you want and how that derives from your values. The two sections that follow show you how you can seize control of the whole underwater part of the iceberg, building confidence and assertiveness, and knowing what you are entitled to in life. This is important, as it is not the wind above the water that determines where an iceberg will go, but the currents under the water.
Dangerous attitudes and limiting beliefs
Let’s examine some of the unconscious attitudes and ways of thinking that drive behaviours and can lead to unwanted stress. Each of these drivers results from your subconscious mind believing that you will only be a good person if you do certain things. So you do them to protect yourself, only to find that there is a price to pay.
Please others
Abdus feels a strong need to please the people around him. This creates a burden of responsibility that means he rarely feels able to do things for himself. He is always thinking: ‘When I’ve done this, then I can …’ This makes Abdus a good team player and a caring family man, but also means he puts his own feelings very much in second place to those of the people around him.
Abdus’s need to please may have served him well in the past, getting him to where he is now. But now there are just too many things you say ‘yes’ to and that just leaves him exhausted, anxious to do everything, guilty when he can’t and, overall, unnecessarily stressed.
Not only can it be stressful for Abdus to continually please others, but he rarely gets a chance to unwind and do things for himself. If you are like Abdus, then learn to say ‘NO’ from time to time, and create opportunities to please yourself. Have the confidence to know that others will respect you for who you are – valuing your integrity, not just your willingness to please them. People may like you at first but it is very easy to become a doormat – taken for granted and never noticed. Now all you have left is the fear that, if you don’t please them, they will turn on you.
SCOPE the problem
Whenever someone asks you to do something, before you instinctively say ‘yes’ to try to please them:
- Stop
Take a moment to evaluate the situation. - Clarify
What do they want? - Options
What could you do in response? How effective would different responses be? What choice will you make – willingly? - Proceed
Give your response. - Evaluate
When you get a moment, review the interaction dispassionately and evaluate the extent to which you felt in control of your response. What would you want to do if the same situation arose next time?
Pleasing others leads them to like us, but the value they put on help so freely given can be temporary and the respect they give shallow. Please yourself more. Do what is important to you, not to other people. When helping out or building a relationship is important to you, then choose to do it. This way others will recognise that your true contribution is to focus on doing the right things, and they will value you accordingly.
Try harder
Bella wants to feel she deserves a rest, but she won’t let up. Consequently, she ends up too exhausted to either enjoy her rest or really benefit from it. She takes on far too much and often seems to repeat yesterday’s mistakes. She feels it was drummed into her by her parents and by her school. If she works harder, she will be rewarded better; she will feel more deserving and get more leisure and pleasure.
Bella deserves a rest and, if you are like her, so do you. So take it when you feel the need – or even the desire. Overwork is not a virtue: nobody ever says that they wished they’d worked harder, as they lie dying.
If you continually drive yourself to work harder, you risk exhaustion, depression, and a complete lack of fulfilment from your success. To achieve more, work smarter. Manage your time and your priorities and optimise the way you do things. SCOPE your opportunities and see what you can do to achieve more by doing less. You want to feel that you deserve what you earn – but please allow yourself the time to enjoy it. Work smart and spend more time at home and at play.
A hard-working executive spent his holiday near an African fishing village. Every morning, he saw a little fishing boat return to the quayside. One day, he asked the fisherman how long it took to catch his fish.
‘Not very long,’ answered the fisherman.
‘Then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?’
The fisherman explained that his catch was enough for his family, so the executive asked, ‘But what do you do with the rest of your time?’
‘I sleep late, play with my children, doze in the afternoon under a palm tree, and go to the bar with my friends, have a few beers, play music, and sing songs. I have a good life,’ replied the fisherman.
The executive was horrified at the waste: ‘I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. This will bring extra money, so you can buy a second and a third one, and hire men, until you have a large fleet. Instead of selling at market, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants. Eventually you can open your own plant. You can then leave this village and move to the city, and get an office to direct your business from.’
‘How long would that take?’ asked the fisherman.
‘You will need a 20-year business plan,’ replied the executive.
‘And what will I do when my business gets really big?’ asked the fisherman.
‘Then you will be able to spend your weekends at a small village by the sea, sleep late, spend time with your family, go fishing, take afternoon naps, and have relaxing evenings drinking and making music with your friends.’
Be perfect
Clifford is always critical of himself, never feeling that what he has done is good enough. He has little rituals that he pursues almost compulsively, feeling agitated if they get interrupted. This makes Clifford prone to working later, trying to polish the reports he writes and get every table in them exactly right. It also causes friction with co-workers, because nothing they do ever seems to meet Clifford’s exacting standards. Things have to be ‘just right’. Don’t call him Cliff!
If you are like Clifford, then you need to realise that you are good enough as you are. When you settle for less, sometimes you can achieve more. Rather than always aim for the gold standard, start out by thinking through ‘What is “good enough” in this situation – what should “finished” look like?’
Be strong
Devla likes to be on her own and is uncomfortable with large groups. Their pointless chit-chat does not come easily to her. Instead, she hides her feelings and can even withdraw from her friends – especially at times of stress. The last thing that she would want is for them to see her weakness, and she would never feel comfortable asking for help.
Asking for support can feel risky but, if she doesn’t, Devla will only end up exhausting herself, feeling all alone and angry, with no one to turn to.
If you are a little like Devla, then you want to show your independence, but do you really want to be alone? Find someone that you can be honest with, and express what you need and what you want. People want to help, and most people will do more for those they love than they will do for themselves. You would always help those you love, so allow them to do as much for you.
Hurry up
Enrique is always rushing around, but he never seems to be particularly effective. He won’t plan, so is constantly surprised by events, and then rarely does anything he is proud of because he is too focused on whatever is next. At the back of his mind, Enrique is thinking: ‘If I don’t get a move on, something bad will happen – and it will be my fault.’
Slow down, Enrique: take your time. If you are like him, then take a moment to think about the Urgent and Important boxes you read about in Chapter 4. You probably spend all of your time focused on the Urgent things, often letting the Urgent and Not Important things compete with the Urgent and Important.
When you take time to plan ahead, you will find two things:
- You will be better able to spot the Urgent and Not Important things and make a conscious decision to drop them or at least leave them until after the Important things are done.
- You will start to have fewer things in your life that are Urgent and Important. You will find yourself dealing with them before they get urgent.
Be careful
Funmi wants to feel safe, and so will take no risks. Her work is okay, but not special, so, despite her being diligent and bright, her less-able colleagues get promoted ahead of her. With total safety comes boredom: Funmi is not growing in her role, learning or taking on challenges. She is getting bored, and all that leaves her almost paralysed by fear of making a mistake and losing what she has.
What is really the worst that can happen for Funmi? If you are a bit like her, evaluate the possible outcomes objectively, then look for ways to control the risks that there are. You may not yet be ready for your first free-fall jump, but you might just feel safe enough to try the climbing wall at your local leisure centre.
Try things out‘You want to feel safe – but what would you do if you knew you could not fail?’
When you find the answer to that question, you know your life’s goal.
Be right
Gene wants to be right, because he cannot face looking foolish. This makes him argumentative and pedantic or, at times, freezes him with indecision.
Gene needs to believe that it is okay to make mistakes. Each one is a lesson for him, and what is really important is that he learns the lessons and avoids repeating the same mistake. Making mistakes is a far more effective learning mechanism than getting things right; it is the principal way toddlers learn.
If you also feel the need to be right all of the time, then let yourself make some mistakes. Expect some frustrations, failures and sorrows; accept them, live with them, and move on.
If you want to be right all of the time, then always be prepared to listen and observe objectively, learn from the situation and then change your mind if your were wrong at the start.
Be serious
Hetal wants to be respectful and respected, and so comes across as a very serious person; humourless, in fact. People find it hard to connect with her, and she finds it hard to talk about anything but ‘issues that matter’.
But who says she can’t be playful as well?
Feel guilty
Isaac wants to do the right thing, but gets things wrong sometimes. He apologises profusely, but carries the memory for hours, days or even weeks sometimes, building up a bank of guilt for all of the inevitable accidents, mistakes and unintended discourtesies that we all commit.
If you are like Isaac, then you know that you will make mistakes. Acknowledge them, learn from them and, in the words of American folk wisdom:
‘’Fess up – say sorry – move on.’
Know what you want
Your most fundamental attitude is to know what you want. It links your values to who you are. Values are hard to define, but at their simplest they are the criteria that lead you to the decisions that you want to make. They are an expression of the models of the world that you hold most dear, and so define what is really important to you.
Your values
When your values conflict with the values of the people around you and their expectations of you, you want to rebel. Where you feel unable to do so – because you feel tied into a relationship or you feel you cannot afford to lose the job you hold, for example – then that conflict will cause stress. To relieve the stress, you must either change your values or change your situation.
We looked at changing your situation in Chapter 3, so let’s now look at changing your values. Nobody has a right to expect you to change your values; neither your employer nor your spouse, nor anyone else. The only person who does have that right is you.
Yet, few of us even consider either what our values are or, less, how we might change them. Most have come to us by absorption from our environment – particularly in our childhoods and early adulthood. Socrates said that ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’. Philosophers may argue about what exactly he meant by this: characteristically, it has many interpretations from ‘I would rather die than give up philosophy’ to ‘If I don’t appreciate my life, it has no value.’ One reading is that the only life worth living is one where we set our own rules.
Understanding and renewing your values
- Pick the context in which you want to examine your values, for example, your values around your work and career, or your home and family life, or money, or health and fitness. Write this area of your life at the top of a page of notepaper.
- Below this, write ‘My values in this part of my life are:’ then list your values. To help you find your values, consider these questions:
- ‘What’s important to me about …?’
- ‘If I had everything I want, what would cause me to give it all up?’
- ‘If that happened, what would cause me to keep everything?’
- Rank your values to establish an order of priority and number your values 1, 2, 3 … To help you, consider these questions:
- Review your list and ask yourself where each value comes from, and whether it is still a value you would like to have in your life. To help you, consider these questions:
- ‘Did I choose this value, or did I get it from my parents, friends, teachers, colleagues …?’
- ‘How much do I want this value to drive my choices in life?’
- ‘What choices would be open to me if I changed this value?’
- Give yourself permission to start to make any changes that you want.
- For each value that you want to retain, think: ‘This value has served me well, and will continue to serve me well. I honour it.’
- For each value that you want to change, think: ‘This value has served me well in the past, but I have changed. This is no longer a value I wish to direct my life, and I set it aside.’
- For each new value that you wish to adopt, think: ‘This new value is one I freely choose. I will hold it for as long as it serves me well.’
You will be at your happiest when your values and your purpose in life support one another. Once again, however, too many of us commit our lives to what is expected of us, and not what we want.
Your life project
Human beings, unlike much of the animal kingdom, are motivated by so much more than opportunistic striving to survive: we feel a deep need to express who we are. As we grow up, we do this in different ways, eventually settling on our goals in life, and what we see as our vocation and purpose. We might call this your ‘life project’.
An authentic life project
Stress arises when your life project is ‘inauthentic’. That is, it is one that you feel you ought to pursue, in order to conform to the pressures and expectations of society, your family or other people around you. Such a role in life is almost predetermined for you by others and you will therefore have no motivation of your own to pursue it. The extent to which you do will be determined by the strength of your drivers to work hard, please others, be perfect, be careful and hurry up about it too!
You will be far happier and less stressed when you pursue an ‘authentic’ project: one you determined for yourself from a considered evaluation of your experiences. This will result in a decision freely made, and you will feel powerfully motivated when you work on it. Progress will be enormously satisfying.
Decide what you want from life: what will give you fulfilment and make you happy? Set yourself goals that enhance your life, and start to notice all of the opportunities that are available to help you meet your goals.
Too often, we put our goals far out into the future. Bring some of them forward and decide how to achieve some of them now. Some people spend a lot of time saying ‘when I have some free time …’ or ‘when I retire …’ If it’s important to you, start now. Your hobbies, your pastimes, your very passions are massively empowering when you pursue them with vigour. Making time for what you really love to do is one of the best ways to reduce your feelings of stress.
From myths to mastery
Can someone else make you feel good? For that matter, can they make you feel bad? Most of us recognise times when a careless word or a deliberate insult has left us feeling awful, yet Eleanor Roosevelt said: ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.’
The belief that other people can make you feel good or bad, by what they say, is just a myth. How you interpret their words is entirely up to you: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.’
Immunity to words
To be immune from taunts and insults, you need a strong positive self-image, which comes from valuing yourself and accepting your weaknesses yourself. Good self-esteem is an important asset in controlling stress. To help build up your self-esteem, here is a great exercise.
Self-esteem book
Buy yourself a small notebook – small enough to keep hidden, and to take with you when away from home overnight.
Each evening, take five minutes to write down three things that you have achieved today, or that you are proud of, or that you have contributed to in a positive way. These can be very small achievements or storming successes. What is important is that you do this regularly and keep it up until you start to feel really good about who you are and what you can do.
Self-confidence
Your self-esteem exercise will start to build up your confidence levels. To create a managed programme of confidence building, there are three further things you can do.
- Seek out opportunities to take on challenges that will stretch you to do something beyond what you have done before. As you start to master your new level of performance, notice and acknowledge it. Put it into your Self-esteem book.
- Start to find people whom you like and respect, who are successful and confident. Spend time with them, observing what they do and how they do it. What do you learn? Try out some of the things they do for yourself and, when it goes well, record it in your Self-esteem book.
- Learn to manage your emotional response to challenging and stressful situations, to remove the feelings that undermine your confidence. This is such an important area that the whole of the next chapter is devoted to it.
Asserting yourself
Assertiveness is all about respect. If I respect myself more than I respect you, then my behaviour is likely to be aggressive when I feel under stress. If, however, I respect you more than I respect myself, then, under pressure, I am likely to adopt a passive approach. Assertive behaviour comes from a balance of respect for yourself and for others.
When you behave assertively, you:
- Act on what is important to you
- Prioritise important relationships
- Say what you think and feel
- Collaborate and ask for help
- Do what is right, not what is easy
- Say ‘NO’ with confidence.
Three steps to saying NO
- Acknowledge the request.
- Make your Noble Objection (NO).
- Offer appropriate suggestions or alternatives.
Assertiveness techniques
Aside from the ability to say ‘NO’, there is a wide range of ways to be assertive. Here are just a few.
Acknowledgement and honesty
Listen to a request and acknowledge that you have understood it. Then consider and express honestly what you think of it or how you feel about it, before giving your final answer.
Broken record
If someone resists your reasonable requirement of them, patiently and calmly repeat it again … and again. Avoid getting caught up in irrelevant reasons or personal attacks, and leave them unanswered. Stick to your message.
Dealing with criticism
Whether it’s called feedback or criticism, sometimes you know it is just a means of attack. Keep the moral high ground by thanking the other person for their comment and asking for detail or evidence. This will soon expose whether they have observed a genuine shortcoming that you can learn from, or are simply trying to make you feel inferior.
Give something back
If someone rejects your NO, then show how reasonable you are by thinking through some alternatives that they could pursue. This shows you to be logical and reasonable.
Handling aggression
Knee-jerk reactions to aggression lead to either a passive response or an escalation of that aggression. SCOPE the situation. Think to yourself: ‘I can handle this calmly.’ Here are nine responses that you can use individually and in combination, to deal with a series of aggressive reactions:
- Basic: state your point of view.
- Responsive: invite more clarification.
- Empathy: express your understanding of how the other person is feeling.
- Logical: point out the logic of what they are saying – or the flaws in their facts or analysis.
- Emotional: let them know how you feel to invite empathy from them.
- Consequences: point out what their aggression will mean.
- Arbitration: suggest seeking an independent person to give an objective opinion.
- Mediation: suggest seeking an independent person to facilitate a resolution.
- Disengagement: remember, if the aggression starts to look as if it could become violent, step away: ‘I don’t feel able to give you a response that will satisfy you, now. Let’s resume this conversation tomorrow/in a couple of hours.’
Chapter 9 covers the topic of conflict in greater detail.
Your own bill of rights
- You are good enough as you are.
- You have the right to please yourself.
- You have the right to just do it and then stop.
- You have the right to ask for what you want.
- You have the right to take your time.
- You have the right to take a chance.
- You have the right to be wrong sometimes.
- You have the right to apologise and then move on.
- You have the right to have fun.
- You have the right to say NO.
- You have the right to make decisions that accord with your values.
- You have the right to pursue the projects you choose.
- You have the right to reject insults and unfounded criticism.
- You have the right to respect yourself.
- You have the right to be assertive.
- You have the right to step away from aggression.