Do you find you often compare yourself to other people? Perhaps you find yourself looking at the enviable figures of celebrities, comparing your achievements to your colleagues, scrolling through social media and noticing what wonderful lives all your ‘friends’ have while you deem yourself less worthy, feeling dissatisfied, sad and stressed. You may notice that this can lead to the expectations that you place on yourself forever increasing. On the one hand, you may argue that these high expectations provide you with goals to aim for, motivating you to improve yourself and better your overall quality of life. However, you may also notice that, more often than not, you fail to meet these high expectations and then you are left feeling like a failure, hopeless and fed up with it all, caught up in a perpetual cycle of busyness and dissatisfaction.
As we explored in the previous chapters, we can also hold unrealistic expectations that we must avoid difficult situations and any associated uncomfortable feelings at all costs. As this is impossible to achieve for any significant length of time, sooner or later we lose out and then begin to blame ourselves and others around us for not meeting our demands; fuelling anger, low mood, shame and a whole host of other unwanted emotions, often the very ones we were trying so desperately to avoid in the first place.
Whilst setting high standards for ourselves can help us to achieve great things, it can be problematic when our sense of self-worth is entirely reliant on reaching and exceeding these standards. For those of us with perfectionist tendencies failure no longer becomes an option and constantly striving for success becomes the answer. Yet failure is unavoidable, so when it shows up for perfectionists, the impact can be huge thus striving for success becomes counterproductive. In fact, research has shown that such perfectionist tendencies are related to a whole host of mental health difficulties including depression, anxiety and eating disorders. If any of this is sounding familiar, we’d encourage you to give the next practice a go.
Spend a few moments reflecting on these questions and become aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise.
Take a moment to stop and notice what showed up for you during that practice. If you are berating yourself about the answers, stop right there. There is no benefit from beating yourself up for beating yourself up!
The truth is that it is really hard to be human, living in a busy world that has such high expectations of us, that is so competitive and that fears failure. It is not your fault if you tend to view the world in this way – if you also fear failure and how you, others and the world are just ‘not being good enough’. Often, we hear messages that we are lazy when we stop to care for ourselves, that we are never good enough and that we need to change so much of ourselves just to fit in. However, have you ever stopped to think about what impact all this criticism has on our well-being, confidence and functioning in life? How does all this affect our sense of busyness? Perhaps it is time to treat ourselves more kindly.
As we have seen, we are wired in a way that means we persist in trying to solve problems in our lives, yet the real problem arises when we view our unpleasant emotions as problems. This is understandable, as these emotions tend to feel bad and we attempt to eradicate them in any number of ways. One way we do that is by beating ourselves up for even having them – telling ourselves that we should stop it, just get over it, pull ourselves together, perhaps, even, that we are weak, pathetic and stupid for ever feeling this way in the first place. This is the message that many of us have heard from people around us, even our very own loved ones when we were growing up. It makes sense that we would tell ourselves off for feeling these ways, if we have been led to believe that it is wrong.
Self-criticism in this respect is, therefore, functioning to protect us, to better us and trying to make us feel better. However, this harsh self-criticism generally does not help, in the longer term anyway. In fact, often it makes us feel worse. When this critical mind is left unchecked and it is pervasive, it continues to chip away at our confidence and can lead to a whole host of psychological problems.
When you are suffering, you do not need criticism, you need kindness. After all, if anybody else on the planet had your unique DNA, your unique childhood, your unique life history, your unique physical body, they would respond in exactly the same way that you respond. This is something that Helen realised when she came for therapy. The following is an extract of the conversation where she began to realise how she had been treating herself after becoming upset at work.
Helen: I just don’t know what’s wrong with me, I get upset so quickly and easily. There’s clearly something wrong with me that I’m never going to be able to change. I’m so pathetic that I let such a small issue affect me so much.
Psychologist: Can I ask you to just pause for a moment. Take a deep breath.
Helen: (Takes a deep breath)
Psychologist: What do you notice your mind saying right now?
Helen: I’m thinking I’m abnormal and weak.
Psychologist: Ouch! And what feelings are showing up right now as your mind judges you like that?
Helen: It’s horrible. I just feel worse.
Psychologist: Is this familiar? Having your mind beat you up like this when you are upset?
Helen: Yeah, I do it all the time.
Psychologist: And does it always leave you feeling worse?
Helen: Yeah it does … (pauses) You know what, it’s like that phrase ‘kicking the dog when it’s down.’ I’ve been doing that to myself, haven’t I?
Psychologist: I guess you have. If you buy into those thoughts, then that’s what you’ve been doing, yes. What do you think the dog really needs? Does it need to keep being kicked or is there something else?
Helen: I guess it really needs to be protected, taken somewhere safe and looked after.
Psychologist: Is that the same for your feelings? Do they need to be protected and given some care?
Helen: I guess so, I just don’t know how …
Like Helen, you might notice that you have treated yourself like this for a really long time and it is hard to know anything different. Perhaps it might even be difficult to consider giving up your self-criticism? Perhaps you are reluctant to stop listening to this part of you because you are worried it will mean you will get nothing done, that you will not be as successful as you are or could become, that you will not be as good a friend, partner or worker. That makes a lot of sense because it is likely that it has helped you to be where you are today and achieve all that you have, to some degree, but it does not bode well for your well-being, confidence and achieving all that you might want to in life.
This self-criticism often leaves us feeling on edge, anxious, angry and exhausted. When we feel these ways, we are not in the best psychological state to get things done, in the best way we can. In fact, we might even put things off until we feel more confident, more motivated or calmer, which would be quite understandable and what many of us tend to do. We might also put things off because we fear them going wrong and we know that when that happens our critical mind will continue to tell us how it is all our fault and we failed. Have a go at the next practice to think about this some more.
What if we told you that, instead of beating yourself with a stick, there is, in fact, an alternative to this harsh critical self that can help motivate, support, protect and encourage you, helping you to get things done and manage your way through your busy life? What if we also told you that this alternative had all the benefits of self-criticism yet did not come with any of the negative drawbacks that you get from beating yourself up? And, that it was, in fact, necessary for your survival. The truth is that, although most of us have lost touch with, and become unpractised in this alternative approach, it is, in fact, deeply wired into our brain systems and particular ways of being, which are all older than our species itself. If you are anything like us, we bet you would be keen to hear more. Well, first, this alternative is called, self-compassion.
As we have seen, at the heart of mindfulness is awareness. Inherent in this is acceptance. As we embrace and accept the nature of both our own private experience (thoughts, feelings, behaviour and sensations) and the busy world around us, we begin also to allow life simply to unfold.
Compassion is a quality that arises naturally from our clarity and acceptance. When we observe how we and those we love (as well as those we do not, or those we feel quite neutral about) suffer from being caught in their struggle to accept reality, then we can look into the very heart of suffering with a kind of fearlessness. When we understand pain, and suffering without grasping for something different, nicer or ‘better’, then we see the very truth and reality of life. We see that we all suffer – from the smallest beetle to a great blue whale, the wealthiest rock star to the poorest street urchin. Without exception, each creature is subject to ageing, illness and death – at the very least. This realisation, while it can be quite painful, also liberates compassion. And now, instead of avoiding pain, using mindfulness, we accept the reality of it and, alongside this, are then able to offer genuine, authentic empathy and care to ourselves and others.
Self-compassion can be defined as a sensitivity to our own suffering and a motivation to help alleviate and prevent it. It is all about acknowledging when we are suffering, and then purposefully responding to that suffering with genuine kindness. By leaning in towards our difficulties with courage, non-judgement and understanding, we can ease our suffering and develop resilience. We can also learn to be gentle and warm towards ourselves when we suffer and come into contact with our vulnerability. Through self-compassion, we shift perspective on our pain and suffering. Rather than seeing this as a threat, becoming single-minded and rigid in a state of fight or flight, attempting to escape and eradicate it at all costs, we calm, regain clarity of mind, become psychologically flexible and behaviourally effective, allowing us to move towards what matters most to us once again. In this state of ease, our perspective is expansive, we see more than the so-called threat of suffering, allowing us instead to meet our suffering with a genuine warmth, spaciousness and care. When we are suffering, being kind to ourselves is in fact essential in order to move towards what truly matters to us in our life. We function at our best when we feel valued, loved and cared for. Perhaps it’s time to therefore be kinder and more caring towards ourselves.
When we are not able to meet our expectations or we make mistakes, we may feel very alone as if no one else suffers. Self-compassion helps us to recognise that all human beings suffer because we are all imperfect and vulnerable. When we are suffering with a sense of failure or any other emotional pain, we can learn to recognise that this is something we all go through, that we all share this in common. Self-compassion involves the recognition of this shared common humanity. The truth is that we all mess up. We all let down people who we know and love. We all struggle with painful thoughts and feelings. Busy or not, we are all very much in the same boat.
You might or might not be surprised to know that the way that we breathe is, in fact, very much connected to our emotions. When we feel anxious, panicky or angry, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, leading our breathing rate to increase and become shallower. By focusing our attention on slowing down our breathing, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, slowing down the body and mind, helping to soften our emotion, making space for mindful awareness and a more helpful response to our emotions. When we are suffering in some way, experiencing painful feelings like anger, anxiety and sadness, acknowledging this and attempting to alleviate some of the distress is an act of self-compassion. By activating our self-compassionate minds, we become better able to tolerate and make space for challenging emotions. Give this a try now and feel free to use this technique before any of the other exercises you engage in over the course of the book.
How was that for you? If you found it difficult, that is OK, it can take time to get the hang of it and feel the calming effects. As mentioned, do use this exercise as much as you like, perhaps when you are feeling stressed, anxious and busier than ever. Taking a moment or two for self-care by soothing yourself in this way can work tremendously well, allowing you then to respond to your thoughts and feelings in a more helpful way. This will, then, allow you to choose and act on what matters most to you in that very moment.
Before we come on to some more exercises, let us look at some common concerns that people often face when beginning to practise self-compassion.
For some of us, we may have learnt that being kind to ourselves is not safe or triggers difficult feelings, so our mind tries to protect us from this by suggesting that we stay well clear of it. If this sounds like you, it is possible that this is a message you received from an early age. Perhaps you did not receive a great deal of warmth and kindness from others so have learnt that, therefore, you are not worthy of any. It can take time to recognise your worth and, with practice, to realise that you and everyone around you deserves an abundance of kindness. Mindfulness can also help us to notice when we are avoiding being self-compassionate and habitually pulling back from it. Give it time and be gentle with you.
Many of us are so scared to let go of our critical mind, believing that, if we are instead kinder towards ourselves when we fail or make a mistake, we will become complacent, lazy and will get nothing done or, worse still, will not better ourselves in any way. We are wired to believe that self-criticism is the only means for self-improvement. Well, the research shows us that being kinder towards ourselves when we make a mistake is in, fact, a better motivator to then change our behaviour for the better. Think about it – when you are attacking yourself and feeling upset, low and/or anxious as a result, are you really in the best psychological state to think clearly and improve yourself or the situation you are in? Perhaps remind yourself of the ‘Two teachers’ exercise above to see what effect self-criticism, versus a kinder more compassionate self, has on you and your productivity to progress well in your life.
We know too well that, in the midst of an emotional storm, fight or flight mode really kicks in and the last thing on your mind is saying kind words to yourself or practising mindful breathing. However, the kindest and most useful act in that very moment might be simply to notice you are in a storm and reach a place of safety, then when it has died down a little, you can consider ways to be kind to yourself, as you are likely still to be hurting a great deal.
Compassion is about having the strength to face your fears, to bear witness to your pain so that you can choose a path that is best for you. Compassion is an act of courage. It is often confused with love, but the most important acts of compassion are towards aspects of our experience that we do not love, or even like. Consider your own experiences where you have faced a difficult challenge and, instead of finding a way out of it, stood up for something you believed in, despite your fear, or assertively expressed your needs, despite your anger towards another person; these all can be very difficult to do. Self-compassion is certainly not for the meek – it is about facing the reality of your pain head on and being bold enough to do something that may feel uncomfortable, all in the service of alleviating your undue suffering the best you can, and truly looking after yourself.
Perhaps you have not had much experience of being kind to yourself. It is a concept many of us are not too familiar with. We are bombarded with messages like ‘stiff upper lip’, ‘just get on with it’, ‘take your mind off things’. These are all too familiar for so many of us and can leave us a little deskilled in self-compassion. You may find it easier to consider how you treat others who you care about when they are struggling. Many of us find it much easier to show kindness to others and we can practise showing that same kindness to ourselves. Stay curious and see what shows up in your practices.
Self-indulgence is giving in to your feelings, perhaps skipping the gym after a hard day at work or eating lots of chocolate after an argument with a friend. Self-compassion is being wise to what is most helpful for your well-being in the long term, which often means the displeasure of heading to the gym. We also understand that it might seem that, if we pay attention to ourselves and our difficulties, it can be at a cost of paying attention to others and their needs. However, self-criticism and ignoring our own needs can leave us depleted and then we have little left to give. It is also worth considering that, if we treat ourselves kindly, then the people around us might be more encouraged to do the same for themselves. Consider the people you spend most time with – do they tend to treat themselves the same way you do? Self-compassion can be a little bit contagious!
If you are still sceptical about all this compassionate stuff, that is completely fine. We would still encourage you to have a go at the next two exercises, despite what your mind may be telling you. See if you can bring a genuine openness and curiosity to the experience of doing them, see what arises.
Can you remember what you had for breakfast? Can you recall where you went on your last holiday and whether you enjoyed it? Do you remember who you spent your last birthday with? To be able to answer these questions, you are most likely using your skills in imagery.
We humans are pretty good at imagining things and, at times, it can be quite powerful, activating sensations in the body, emotions and further thoughts. For instance, try bringing to mind your favourite meal or snack. Really try to picture what it might look like and smell like. Stay with that for a moment and then imagine taking a bite into it. You might notice that, just by imagining your favourite meal, you have begun to slightly salivate or even feel hungry.
If you did not notice any changes in your body, how about you picture some food you really cannot stand the taste of or perhaps some food that is rotting and mouldy, with maggots crawling all over it. And then you take a big bite in to that … We are guessing that you are probably recoiling at the thought of that and feeling pretty grossed out. Sorry about that, it is just we really wanted to make an important point about how simply imagining things can create changes in our emotions, our bodies, our minds and, consequently, our actions in life.
Imagery can stimulate a range of physiological reactions and emotional experiences. Have a think about it. In the same way that you have a physiological response to thinking about food or perhaps sex, you would also have a physiological response to a fierce critical bully in your mind. If you beat yourself up all day long, it is likely that you would feel angry, depressed, anxious, tense and/or pretty wobbly most of the time. Similarly, therefore, if you had a kind, caring ‘friend’ in your mind, you would be more likely to feel calmer, safer and more soothed as you rush about your busy life. Our imagination is extremely powerful and the good news is that we can use it wisely if we choose to. We can apply this powerful tool to bringing compassionate changes to our thoughts, feelings and actions.
The fact is that the mind tends to be well rehearsed in imagining things that leave us feeling distressed and less skilled in imagining things that calm us. When flying, it is not uncommon for people to report imagining the plane falling from the sky, activating feelings of panic. Or, when a loved one does not arrive home when you expected them to, the mind is very skilled at imagining a whole host of potential worst-case scenarios, such as your loved one being run over by a bus, kidnapped or ending up in hospital, leaving us feeling very concerned indeed.
The good news is that we can strengthen our compassionate mind via imagining practices that are designed to cultivate feelings that help to soothe and calm us and the qualities that will help us to tolerate and cope with stress, suffering and all our busyness. Do not worry if you do not notice anything happening to begin with – it can take time and practice, just like all the exercises in this book. Have a go at practising this some more now.
What did you notice during that exercise? It is possible that you may have noticed some of the feelings and qualities connected with self-compassion, such as warmth, closeness, kindness and care. If you did not, that is OK. Remember to take your time and give it another try when you can.
We invite you to further your cultivation of self-compassion now by focusing on strengthening the specific qualities of your compassionate self.
Take a few moments right now to perhaps jot down some of the qualities you would, ideally, like to have if you were someone who was truly calm, confident and compassionate towards yourself.
Here are a few ideas to start you off:
Now spend a few moments to consider what a very compassionate person you might look like, sound like and behave like. How would they treat you when you are suffering?
OK, so, once you have some ideas jotted down, give the next practice a go.
As we invariably become caught up in our forever changing thoughts and feelings, it is as if we are alternating between different psychological states or parts of experiences. We have got an anxious self, an angry and critical self, an excited self and a compassionate self, and so on. When we are engaged with any of these experiences, they will have effects on our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, urges and behaviours. The interesting thing is that these different parts of our experience often interact with each other, so the angry part might communicate (or conflict) with the anxious part, and so on. This can be a difficult experience at times and often not the most helpful one to get caught up in as we try to manage the stresses and strains of our busy existence.
Sometimes, unearthing the compassionate part of ourselves is the best course of action we can take. Usually, it is the case that our anxious self and our angry self are, in fact, in desperate need of compassion, in order for us to get focused and productive, and moving towards what matters most to us once again. When activating our compassionate self, there is no need to challenge or suppress our anxious or angry inner voices; they tend to naturally settle and lower in volume, as they begin to feel looked after and soothed. Have a go at the next practice to experience the impact that your compassionate self can have on the other angry and anxious parts of you.
For this exercise, you might like to find a quiet room and arrange three separate chairs so that they are facing each other. You can then sit in each chair as you practise taking the perspective of different parts of your experience. Setting the chairs up in this way is not entirely necessary. However, you might like to try it to enhance your experience of the practice.
Remember that this compassionate part of you is always there, you can elicit it in any moment of time. Sometimes, it might just be a bit hidden away but, when we look for it, we can find it. Perhaps set an intention for yourself to approach this and other difficulties you encounter while being the compassionate you as much as possible. When we are at war with ourselves or attacking a particular part of ourselves, there can only ever be one loser! Consider, who would that be? Remember, mindful self-compassion is an effective alternative to this self-attacking stance that can help soothe all the other more painful parts of you, so that you can best navigate and manage your busy, stressful and demanding life.
In this chapter, you have learned that it is helpful to do the following:
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