Self-confidence

Confidence guides the permissions and limitations we give ourselves. It creates certainty, and it also creates uncertainty. It regulates our lives, and it governs each one of our actions, thereby making it a vital aspect of our level of EI at any particular moment in time.

Confidence is the single biggest thing that holds people back from achieving across the life they want to lead, whether this is regarding issues standing in front of an audience, sorting out a complicated relationship, or having to do the right thing to help a demanding situation.

When we think of everyday situations where we may not feel very confident, there is a high chance that our emotional intelligence is working overtime to protect us. It is drawing from previous experiences of perhaps failure, or awkwardness, and it is doing its level best to ensure that we do not have a similar outcome.

Our emotional intelligence can create all manner of additional blocks within our subconscious mind. Through those blocks, we often develop inadequate beliefs systems that govern our internal permissions (or limitations) and, subsequently, lead us towards ever more feelings of low self-esteem and lack of personal empowerment.

A dozen-plus years ago, I was sitting in my office at home, struggling to write a paper about ‘Confidence’.

After numerous attempts to get started, I was becoming more and more frustrated and, possibly, due to those frustrations becoming ever more verbal. One of my daughters, called Millie, who must have been around 12 years old at the time, came into my office to ask if she could help.

Not expecting any real assistance, I explained to her that I was trying to define what ‘confidence’ was and that I needed to describe it in a way that would help other people.

Millie said, ‘I’ll give it some thought,’ And, unsurprisingly, she left me to continue with my endeavours.

After just a few minutes of thinking, though, she returned to my office, made herself comfortable and said, ‘Daddy, I think that “confidence” is like a set of scales or a see-saw. If we imagine that, on one side, we have “ability” and, on the other side, we have “belief”, and when ability and belief are balanced, we get confidence!’

I was possibly a little bewildered by her instant grasp of the subject matter. However, I did manage to ask her, ‘What would happen if “ability” was heavier than “belief” and the scales became unbalanced?’

‘Yes, of course, it would be unbalanced,’ she replied, ‘That would mean lack of confidence due to possibly having low self-esteem.’

I digested this concept for a minute or two before replying, ‘OK, smart-arse, what would happen if “belief” was heavier than “ability”?’

At which point, Millie got up from the chair, looked me straight in the eyes and said: ‘Oh, Daddy, you’re just pretending to be dumb, that would be “arrogance”, of course!’

She then turned on the balls of her feet and, with an intentionally arrogant flick of her long hair, she sauntered out of my office, laughing.

Well, to say that I was dumbfounded would have been an understatement!

Simple as ABC

Giving all credit where it’s due, I now present what I describe as Millie’s Scales of Confidence model. Who would ever have thought that one of my children would eventually teach me my ABC?

To help put this model into context, let’s consider a situation where our level of confidence might be blocking our EI from doing its job and thereby effectively helping us.

An example might be when we are about to deliver a presentation or a talk with a large group of people. Our ability and internal belief systems will be doing one of three things:

1. Ability and beliefs will be balanced, enabling our EI to read the room effectively and deliver a confident communication; which, from our audience’s perspective, will feel more tailored towards their unique requirements. The result will, most likely, be them finding our presentation meaningful, engaging and valued.
2. More ability than belief will give rise to a range of belief-based communication issues; which include embarrassment, nervousness, fidgeting, a weak or unclear voice.

   Not confidently looking at and engaging directly with the audience will also result in them perceiving us as inadequate, ineffective or, possibly, ineffectual because we do not appear to connect directly with them as people nor with their particular requirements.

3. More belief than ability stops us from directly engaging with our audience because we will sound and even look arrogant by talking at rather than with them. This style of communication is potentially overconfident, it is self-focused, meaning that it is more about us than it is about the audience, which will, most often, result in open or private disagreement, irrespective of any real value in our message.

I wonder how many things we all put off in our lives because we do not have the confidence (the ability and, or, the belief) that we can achieve them successfully.

A few years ago, when I had some time on my hands, I decided that I was, finally, after many years putting it off, going to establish a pond at the bottom of my garden. Although, my garden happens to be on the part of a natural chalk hill where the incline is particularly steep!

I considered my reality and went online to research building ponds into chalk hills, and I was amazed at the level of quite detailed knowledge available. I even encountered a website where this chap had built a fully functional natural ‘swimming’ pond.

Now that was a brilliant idea!

I considered my reality again and, after several more days of research, and learning from many experienced people online, I hired a mini digger.

With much additional help, we ended up digging and lining a 50 ft wide by ft deep hole. This also had a flat ft wide by 10 inches deep shelf around the entire perimeter to hold gravel and pond plants that would help filter more than 75,000 litres of rainwater!

With a little self-belief, many trials by error, learning about all manner of new things (like how not to turn over a mini-digger again!), several sore muscles, and many bruises, plus being prepared to call on the help of experts as and when needed, we succeeded.

The result, now the pond has settled in, is spectacular. We have crystal clear swimming water plus a myriad of wildlife and beautiful fauna surrounding our swimming pond. We turned a rather dull grass slope into a thing of natural beauty, which has added substantial value to our lives and our home.

As you may have guessed, I am a dedicated believer in learning through doing. I also believe that nothing is impossible if you put the effort in up-front. When we think that something is possible, all we need to ask ourself is how we are going to achieve it!

I am not just talking about DIY projects; this way of thinking is useful across all aspects of working and personal life. An excellent method to use when we are trying to consider our reality in different situations is to ask, ‘What? Why? So what?’

I use these three questions, in this particular order, when I am doing what I call ‘instant coaching’, where someone may have reached an impasse in their thinking and is struggling to move on to the next stage.

For example:

• What specifically are you looking to achieve?
• Why do you want to achieve this?
• So, what is holding you back?

And, then, based on their answers, a similar process is repeated:

• What things can you alter or change?
• Why would that make a difference?
• So what actions could you now take?

The sets of what, why and so what questions can be repeated several times, in different formats, until the person has identified for themself what needs to happen for them to achieve the outcome they require.

I find this tool also very useful when I am struggling with a new concept or a problem. I ask myself three linked questions, each starting with what, why and so what.

The result is often a far deeper clarity around the topic. It is, after all, another way of testing the reality of a situation, issue or problem, and it gets results quickly and effortlessly.

Try it out for yourself with a current problem or use it to enhance the last Activity we just covered.