4

The Power of the Informal

Bring people with positive energy into your inner circle. If those around you are enthusiastic, authentic, and generous, you will be, too.

—ROB CROSS AND ROBERT J. THOMAS

Anna had big plans to grow her department in 2016. The prior year was a clear success, and she and her sales team closed more deals than ever before. It was considered a coup to bring in new business when much of the sector—customer service staffing—was losing out to cheaper global competitors and the remaining domestic jobs were being slashed and replaced by automation. Anna’s team outperformed expectations for two reasons. First, she steered their efforts toward organizations that relied on U.S. government contracts for their livelihood. These were businesses that had a vested interest in keeping their call centers in the United States. Second, Anna created a service delivery system that brought their costs for the call centers down 10 percent, and she could pass that savings along to clients to help close deals.

With her system working so well, Anna put together a plan to roll the process out across the organization and expand her team. Her plan called for a restructuring that she believed would lower their costs in the first eighteen months, but it required hiring several new midlevel managers. With enthusiastic approval from her manager, she presented the idea to the operating committee. Two meetings later, she secured tacit approval, as well as a nod from the chief financial officer (CFO) that the funding would be earmarked for her department in the next fiscal year’s budget.

That was good enough for Anna. She celebrated with her team and made the initial preparations for the expansion. She began identifying new staff members and thinking about the change management effort. Two months later, the budget documents were released. To Anna’s shock, her 2016 budget was essentially flat—no spending increase. Instead, the excess funds were flowing in another direction, to a different department.

Anna was blindsided. She had not remained in contact with the CFO, and she had taken too much for granted. What she didn’t know at the time was that another executive had gone to the CFO after her pitch meeting. He had an alternate plan and made a play to secure the funding. After that, he spent the next couple of months selling his idea behind the scenes. He had taken various managers to lunch, and he walked up to the executive floor regularly to socialize before work.

Anna never really had a chance. She was a high performer and her plan was smart and well conceived. The problem? She skipped the critical steps that occur informally. Her colleague went the extra yard to get to know the decision makers personally. He built relationships. He dedicated the time and effort to earn their confidence and establish personal trust. He worked behind the scenes to create an informal coalition of support. Anna never thought to do any of that. She thought the formal process was all there was. To use our opening surfing metaphor, Anna caught the initial curls, but her colleague rode the entire wave.

THE UNWRITTEN RULE: Leverage the Power of the Informal

We explored professional relationships and formal connections in the previous chapter. Here, we’ll examine a complementary but lesser-known element of influence that some of us still overlook: the power of the informal.

Informal power can be achieved in at least two ways: casual office interactions and social networks. Casual interactions occur during hours spent with colleagues on the clock, inside the office and out, when the focus is loose and off the cuff. Informal interactions happen as we stop to shoot the breeze before and after meetings, before and after work, at lunch, and at company activities such as dinners or events. Social networks are groups of colleagues who choose to spend some of their leisure time together outside the workplace, engaging in shared interests and activities, such as sporting events or the arts.

Regardless of the venue or activity, the power of the informal is an important way that we get to know and trust our colleagues—and how they get to know and trust us. It’s how numerous deals are done and promotions are sealed. As Anna learned, it is also how many decisions are made. Informal interactions allow us to talk candidly, reinforce our key points, use humor, and trade favors in a way that would never work as part of a formal interaction or in an official setting.

The higher up we are in an organization, the more important informal interactions become. Yet we, as women, engage informally less often than men because we face more unique challenges in pulling these nuanced relationships off. Debra Plousha Moore, system chief of staff at Carolinas HealthCare System, explained, “When women participate in political maneuvering, it looks more obvious because we are not part of the majority group. It can often seem less natural and more contrived. Men teach men how to politic. Women generally do not teach each other this important art.”

It therefore becomes harder for women to make these informal connections.

For the most part, the women we interviewed agreed with the sentiments presented in the previous box. On the one hand, they told us that their ability to connect with colleagues and navigate in groups was at least as important to their career success as how they perform in their roles. On the other hand, they cited home or life priorities and “male-only” after-work activities as a few of the reasons they put informal interactions on the back burner.

LIMITING BELIEFS That Check Our Informal Power

We have found that small adjustments in thinking can empower women to unlock the power of informal interactions. With that in mind, let’s look at three ways to re-imagine common scenarios to tilt the results in our favor.

“I have no time for networking”

Time constraints are the most common reason women cite for ditching dinner with colleagues or skipping other social events. (We can relate!) There are just twenty-four hours in a day, and we all need to make choices based on our values and circumstances. Because of that, it’s important for us to maximize the time we can dedicate to building relationships. Whether after hours or during business hours, we tell women that creating informal connections is just another part of their job, particularly as they rise higher in the organization. Even if you are tight on time or simply disdain “networking,” there are simple tactics to help you make the most of your effort:

• Forget about “networking”; this is about truly connecting.
• Focus on strategic relationship building as opposed to mindless “working the room.”
• Consider your personal style and decide which way of connecting with people feels most natural to you. Put together a plan based on that.
• Connect in a way that suits your lifestyle—meet over a meal or coffee or at an industry event.
• Bake it into your schedule by setting time aside. We have clients who color-code their calendars to make sure they dedicate time to making connections. Others create lists or use simple Excel spreadsheets. One client goes through half her alphabet of contacts every six months to make sure she connects with each person.
• Just do it—don’t opt out.

“Nothing important happens at these things”

Sometimes, nothing important happens at these things . . . and that’s an excellent reason to be there. During a typical, fully packed day of conference calls and meetings, there’s little or no unscheduled time, unscripted conversations, or easy access to colleagues from across the organization.

Unscheduled time (during a company party, for instance) allows you to create your own agenda. Let’s say that you were in a meeting with a colleague last week and you need some additional information. Instead of scheduling formal time to reconnect, catching the colleague for a few minutes in between calendar commitments provides a chance to get some questions answered. Or perhaps you need buy-in from a sales director who’s always out on the road. Unscheduled time together offers an opportunity to plant a seed or test an idea.

Unscripted conversations that occur off the clock can be as refreshing as they are enlightening. People let their hair down in informal settings. Nobody’s really loving the new branding campaign? You may hear about it walking over to the train together after work. Sometimes even the most introverted colleagues open up about themselves. They may tell you something about their personal circumstances that explains their demeanor at work. Regardless of the content, unscripted conversations help us get to know people better and cement our understanding of what’s really going on in the office.

If nothing else, informal social settings can be an excellent equalizer. An event at which top-level executives, staffers, and everyone else munches on the same cocktail olives is an open opportunity to meet new people and hear what they have to say.

“I don’t get invited”

Our client Cara told us this was her rationale for leaving company events and board meetings early. Then, after a particular quarterly sales conference, the light went on in her head. At the time, the senior staff on the international marketing team was exiting the big ballroom together, and most of them were walking out to have dinner as a group. Cara wasn’t invited. She was about to catch a cab and head home to check e-mails and get some work done before sending the babysitter home. As she got into a cab, one of the guys called out to her and said, “Cara, aren’t you coming?” She replied, “Oh, I wasn’t invited.” They all laughed, and the male colleague said, “Get out of that cab. Come on, go with us.” She did. Cara had a drink and appetizers and headed home, but she gained a realization: “Nobody really gets invited. Most men don’t formally invite each other,” she said, laughing. “They just go . . . everyone just goes!”

Are there times when just a few people need to go out together to talk about a specific issue or close a private deal? Sure. But more often than not, you don’t really need a reason to join the group for drinks and dinner. This is how people decompress, talk about what they’re working on, and get to know each other. No invitation needed.

There are several variations on the “I wasn’t invited” theme. Sometimes it sounds like, “I do not have anything to talk to them about anyway” or “I really cannot relate to them because they are so much older (or have different interests). What could we possibly have in common?” You insert the reason! One of the more common rationales we hear is, “I do not play golf.”

Many of the women we coach say that their golf game (or lack thereof ) feels like a legitimate barrier to informal networking. And it’s no wonder. Although only 20 percent of golfers are women, a whopping 90 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs play golf, and 80 percent of executives say playing golf enables them to establish new business relationships.¹ But, to be clear, it is not golf per se that’s the issue. Men seldom wait to be invited. And yes, opportunities may occur more naturally for them, but we need to look for ways to opt in instead of looking for excuses to opt out.

Teresa Tanner, executive vice president and chief administrative officer at Fifth Third Bank, told us why this ideal can be a challenge for women: “From a politics standpoint, building relationships is important and yet, depending upon the values and activities shared among leaders of the organization (whether that is charity work, sports, theater), we may not have the same volume of opportunities [as men] to build trust, build relationships, and network informally.”

Many of the men we interviewed concurred with Teresa’s assessment. This story from a male executive in our study sums up the situation:

I was walking through the downstairs grill at a private club in town. I’ve been there a few times, but I’m not a member. If you’re a stranger, you don’t quite know how to fit in. I watched the men who dominate that network. They’re laid back and they make funny remarks to each other. When I settled in, I looked like I belonged, even though I was not sure about some of the remarks and funny lines. Imagine a woman who is put into this environment. She would have to put much more energy into finding a way to fit in, because she is still such a rarity. If she doesn’t figure out the landscape, she will stand out even more. She will spend a tremendous amount of energy simply “fitting in.”

All the energy we must expend trying to fit in on the golf course, in the club grillroom, and even in the boardroom makes informal networking more of a challenge for us, but that doesn’t mean we should opt out. Women need to think of new solutions to this old problem—and that does not mean we need to learn golf. Unless, of course, we want to play golf.

One company we work with found a way to change up their annual golf event in a way that works for everyone. The rules are that all employees attend. The organizers go to great lengths to make the day about team building as opposed to an actual golf game. The men and the women who like golf can choose from a few different interactive rounds, like best ball or a round robin. Men and women who don’t play can take lessons, try tennis, or simply relax with a leisurely hike or another resort activity. Everyone is invited. More importantly, however, it is not about being engaged in an activity; it is about creating opportunities for interpersonal connections to occur.

STRATEGIES for Using the Power of the Informal

Increasingly, leadership today is defined not just by how many hours you spend at your computer, but your ability to connect to others.

—CAROL BARTZ, FORMER YAHOO CEO²

When we think about the power of the informal, there is one female leader, Maggie, whom we consider to be a role model. She is a master at the art of relationships, and this talent has served her well. She is recognized for a lengthy and successful stint as the chief executive of a nationally known company. She has also held other well-known positions, and she currently sits on several corporate boards. She has done all of this while raising a son and enjoying a rich social life filled with deep relationships.

We have seen Maggie in action and she is best in class. We recall one instance when Maggie was starting in a new position as the chief executive of a huge national nonprofit organization. Because her previous job had been a high-profile role in big business, her move to the nonprofit role rubbed many of the leaders at her new organization the wrong way. To make matters worse, there was some bad history between Maggie’s former employer and the nonprofit because of legislation that Maggie’s former organization lobbied hard for and the nonprofit vigorously opposed. As a result, a small but critical segment of leaders at the nonprofit were outwardly hostile toward Maggie in her first weeks on the job.

About a week into Maggie’s appointment, two of us ran into an old colleague, Jim, who was a board member from the nonprofit. He was also a big donor and an influential figure at the organization. After the requisite small talk, the subject of Maggie came up, and Jim said, “I am not a fan. I was opposed to her appointment and I will never be able to work with her.” We urged him to give Maggie a chance, but he insisted that there was “no way” she would win him over.

Knowing Maggie as we did, we smiled and told Jim we hoped he would ultimately reconsider. Sure enough, nine months later, we saw Jim, and Maggie had managed to get him on her team. Jim told us what happened.

He and Maggie both attended the first board meeting, where introductions were made. After the meeting, Maggie stopped him to mention a friend they had in common. She shook his hand and left it at that. The next time he saw her, she was in an elevator on her way to a meeting. The elevator door opened to Jim’s floor, but it wasn’t Maggie’s destination. She got off anyway and walked right over to Jim to ask his advice about a piece of business. The third time she saw him, it was at a fund-raiser. She went right up to him, shook his hand, and asked if they could meet for coffee. Before Jim even knew it, they had met for coffee and had plans to take their mutual friend out to dinner together.

Maggie won Jim over because she is extremely good at connecting with people. She does her homework, finds common ground, uses her time wisely, and sincerely cares about others. She works hard to build trust. In short, she is an expert at the power of the informal.

1. Make meaningless time meaningful

Women are master planners, and we are excellent at execution. This tells us that we have ample opportunity to make the most of informal interactions simply by being strategic. This is particularly true for women to whom social engagement does not come naturally. We tell the women we coach to think of it this way: make your meaningless time more meaningful. In other words, maximize your time and never underestimate how far this investment will take you. Try it for a predetermined period of time and watch for the dividends.

Here’s how to begin.

Set small goals. When you make up your mind to spend an hour at a cocktail party after work, decide in advance what you’ll accomplish. Have an innovative idea you need to put to the test? Identify three savvy colleagues and talk them through your plan. Need to make more high-level connections? Identify a few executives and introduce yourself. Regardless of what you need to achieve, plan ahead and use your informal time wisely.

Make networking work for you. One of us is friendly with an executive who runs a successful commercial real estate firm in Washington, DC. Her job is high touch, and she knows everyone inside the Beltway. And yet, she’s also the single mother of a six-year-old and she loves to be home to tuck in her daughter. How does she keep all those plates spinning? She allows herself one night during the workweek to be out late. It might be a client dinner or a DC networking event. A single evening each week might not seem like a lot, she admits, but it adds up quickly. She maximizes her time and sticks to a plan that suits her life. All of us can do that. Whether you decide to arrive at work early twice a week for some face time, or you have lunch with colleagues every third Friday, identify what works for you and follow through. No excuses!

Take a walk. We know a savvy publishing executive who arrives early to the office each morning and walks around the floors of the building. Sometimes she has an agenda, other times she simply stops to chat with whoever’s milling around. She always catches somebody and finds out what’s going on. It’s her early warning system. If she’s proposing a new book series at the following week’s meeting, she gets the early feedback and she’s more prepared for her presentation.

Put your phone down. It’s not only millennials who can’t take their eyes away from their smartphones; screens rob all of us of precious face-to-face interactions. This is an easy one if you set your mind to it: stop hiding behind your phone. Talk to people before the meeting starts, on your way to lunch, on the stairs, and in the elevator. Simply looking people in the eye when you’re talking with them will help you make that crucial connection.

2. Hold the meeting before the meeting

We heard from men and women alike that female executives are very efficient. We come to meetings on time. We leave when the last agenda item is completed. Then we rush to the next commitment, or head back to our offices to put out fires. But let’s think for a minute about our male colleagues. Men are more likely to come early, get a good seat, and chat with colleagues. They stick around after the meeting to close off the discussion and talk informally about the other issues on their minds.

“Men talk to everyone before the meeting starts to take the temperature in the room,” Monika Machon, a former financial services executive, told us. “They don’t even think about it, it’s just something they do, like breathing.”

These interactions occur in the days, hours, or minutes prior to a meeting or decision. The conversations are informal and occur in passing: in the hallway, in the elevator, or on the walk to the train. This “meeting before the meeting” is where the real work happens, and how key issues are resolved.

This is one of the most important strategies we teach women: if we wait until the meeting starts to express our views, it’s already too late. Well before a decision is to be made, we should test our perspective with colleagues and build consensus. Far from being a mere schmooze-fest, the time before and after a meeting is a chance to connect with colleagues informally, share your ideas, and gain their trust. Anna, from our earlier story, learned this lesson too late. She was sure she had sold her plan to the executive team, until her colleague worked behind the scenes to close his own deal.

Karen Dahut, executive vice president at Booz Allen Hamilton, put it this way: “Always come to meetings already knowing where everyone stands on an issue. If you don’t, then you aren’t in the best position possible to influence them.”

Establishing a bond with people prior to the meeting can also help you feel confident. That confidence makes it easier to participate and engage in the discussion. In the same way that getting to know the room in advance of a speech helps individuals become acclimated to the space, connecting with people informally creates a sense of familiarity.

3. Understand the informal norms

Is your workplace a coffee culture, or do people head to the bar for a beer after work? Informal rituals are important to understand because they make professional networking easier to accomplish. There’s no need to get a lunch on the calendar if you know the executive vice president will be in line at Starbucks every morning at eight o’clock. Many organizations have birthday lunches, whereas others have Monday-morning bagels. Regardless of the specifics, seize opportunities to make connections and let other people get to know you.

Similarly, examine the cross-silo social networks that underlie your organization. Does the tech-savvy set all sit together at staff meetings and text each other the whole time? Do the young moms meet for coffee on Mondays? Even if you don’t fit within any of the social networks yourself, simply knowing who does can tell you who’s closely connected to whom. This applies to the social networking tools that people use as well. Knowing how people communicate allows you to reach out to them in ways that best suit them.

4. Do it your way

Informal networking and socializing is never a one-size-fits-all proposition. In fact, it can make you miserable unless you do it in a manner that suits your style. Here’s what we suggest.

Suit yourself. Don’t bother learning to play tennis if that’s not your thing. Decide what you like—opera, ballgames, trendy eateries—and invite a few colleagues along for the fun. Doing something that you enjoy and are good at not only makes you happy, it also makes you more comfortable and puts you in charge in a way that can change how people perceive you.

Use the group dynamic. If you are an introvert, you don’t need to go it alone. Meet a few work friends and head to the company picnic with them. It’s fine to work the room in pairs. The same goes for informal socializing. It doesn’t need to be a one-on-one event. Getting a group together to have drinks or dinner makes it easier to talk to someone you don’t know.

Have people into your home. We know many women who prefer to invite colleagues and their spouses or partners over to their home instead of meeting together solo or going out to dinner together. Most of us are more comfortable on our own turf. In addition, bringing people to your home helps them get to know you better.

Find a women’s network. A few years ago, one of our coaching clients who works at a bank ran into a colleague on her way into the office. She hadn’t seen him in a while and he looked tan and relaxed. She said, “So, what have you been up to?” He told her he had just gotten back from a weeklong fishing trip in Panama. She smiled and responded, “Oh, wow, did you take your two sons?” “Oh, no. It was a big group of guys from the bank. We had a blast.”

At first, the conversation made her feel uneasy. She was thinking about how many deals got closed during that trip and how many sponsorship relationships were cemented. But then, gradually, an entirely different thought crossed her mind: what a great idea!

She doesn’t like to fish, but she loves going to wine tastings. For the past three years she’s gone to a different wine region for a weekend away each year with her friends from work. They spend the time hiking, biking, and sampling great wine. And guess what? They have a blast.

5. Talk the talk

It’s not rocket science, but there’s an art to the informal. You will not be a master at it at first, but keep practicing by using these tips:

• Keep the talk light. Informal networking should be casual and social. Your conversation needs a relevant point, but it need not be uptight, structured, or overly serious. (Yes, this means avoiding politics and religion.)
• Give something to get something. People love to learn something new and important. Think about what you can tell them to help them understand the context of a situation, for instance, or explain why a controversial decision was made. After that, they’ll be more willing to engage with you and tell you what’s on their mind.
• Don’t overshare. Getting too personal or baring your soul makes people uncomfortable. Likewise, sharing company secrets destroys trust and gets you into trouble. In other words, keep informal networking . . . informal. It’s fine to wing it, but remain within these smart, simple parameters.

* * *

Like the other strategies in this book, the power of the informal is something all of us can learn and practice. In time, it will become second nature. As one of your tools of influence, informal interactions will have bona fide benefits when mastered.

Many of the women we coach guard their free time and insist that they don’t have the desire to get to know their colleagues on a more personal basis. Our philosophy has always been, try it and see how it works for you. Stop overrelying on e-mail and texting and get up and talk to people face to face. Engage, ask questions, and find out about them. When someone reaches out to you, go have lunch with him or her. If an old college roommate asks you to help her son with his job search, talk to him. Do favors and then ask for a favor in return.

Much of the advice in this chapter requires a leap of faith. How do we know it works? We’ve tried it ourselves. One of us, in particular, prides herself on never saying no to a favor. She spends much of her time on relationship building. She sees the world through people and relationships. Life has taught her that it all comes back to you when you need it. This approach to life can bring you new business, support you in times of stress, create relationships that nurture you, and help you remain engaged in our fully connected world.

Give networking a shot. You’ll love what happens.

Executive Summary

• Informal networking is just another part of our job, particularly as we rise higher in the organization.
• We don’t need a formal agenda to join the group for coffee or dinner. This is how people decompress, talk about what they’re working on, and get to know each other. No invitation is needed.
• All of the energy we expend trying to fit in—on the golf course, in the club grillroom, and even in the boardroom—makes informal relationship building more of a challenge for us.
• The “meeting before the meeting” is where the real work happens. If we wait until the meeting starts to express our views, it’s already too late. We should test our perspectives with colleagues in advance and build consensus.
• Informal networking and socializing is never a one-size-fits-all affair. We need to find a way to make it suit our style.