9

Dance with Resistance

THE BIG FIVE STRATEGIES WE have explored in chapters 4 through 8 are at the heart of the Influence Effect: the power of the informal, relationship maps, scenario thinking, influence loops, and momentum. These versatile tools deliver the type of influence and outcomes that women want. Cumulatively, they feed the creativity and confidence we need to lead at high levels in business. Separately, they provide us with the options and flexibility to address a multitude of situations in ways that work for us.

The following two chapters bring these ideas together, using common situations to show where women have the greatest opportunities to influence. You will notice that the format here is not identical to that in the strategy chapters, because our goal is to focus on examining the strategies in action. In chapter 10, “Meetings: A Case in Point,” we look at achieving influence in business meetings. In this chapter, we will explore how to use these strategies to win over blockers and overcome rigid resistance to our ideas.

Findings from our 2013 research first pointed us to these topics. Part of what we found was that men and women perceive conflict differently. Men described “debate and competition” in these situations, whereas women described “confrontation and conflict.” Men said they felt that women “lost their composure” faster than men when they were met with a head-on challenge or a direct rebuke.

One female vice president said this: “When men dismiss women, women interpret it as being ‘put in our place,’ and it’s frustrating. We don’t like the conflict and we don’t know how to come back in a way that does not appear defensive.”

Most of the women in our 2013 study were senior-level female executives in male-dominated organizations and industries. We believe that these women were “defensive” and less comfortable in group conflicts in part because they were outnumbered by male colleagues.

An additional point of divergence was that women reported having a negative response to workplace conflict in general—even when they were not a party to it. Women said they found it unsettling when someone—anyone—received criticism or resistance, and they felt sympathy for the person. In this case, women talked about feeling empathy as opposed to feeling defensive.

Another relevant finding in our 2013 research was that women and men use emotion differently in conflict situations. The women believed they use emotion in the correct measure, whereas the men in the study said they wished women would use it less frequently and more strategically. Even more interestingly, men and women disagreed about what emotion looks and sounds like. In our review of 360-degree feedback surveys, we learned that when women say they feel “passionate” about an idea, their passion is sometimes misinterpreted by male managers and colleagues as “emotional.”

Despite the differences, both male and female executives we interviewed were quick to point out that women get much less latitude than men when expressing emotion. As one male executive at JPMorgan Chase told us, “There is a fair amount of sensitivity about a woman losing her cool. If a man loses his cool and gets emotional or angry it’s okay. But when a woman does, everyone’s antennae are raised high and you can feel the tension.”

What this indicates is that we, as women, are dealing with a double standard at the same time that we are in the midst of a conflict situation. Conflicts occur routinely in all professional settings. It is our hope, then, that the strategies presented throughout this book enable us women to be ourselves, leverage our strengths, and pass the many political tests we experience along the path to achieving influence.

We find ourselves on calls every day with the women we coach, helping them navigate conflicts and negotiate with critics using the strategies presented here. While some of these “resisters” are colleagues who simply see things differently, others are individuals with opposing agendas and competing interests who see business as a zero-sum game. Regardless, the women we know who are most successful use numerous tools to build influence. One of the executives we coach managed a difficult situation beautifully, and it offers lessons that all of us can learn from. It was a particularly sticky dilemma because her blocker was the company’s chief financial officer (CFO), who was trying to make a show of strength in front of his boss—the new CEO.

Liz is a senior vice president who leads a large marketing department at a regional bank. By 2014, the U.S. banking sector had largely recovered from the recession of 2008–2009. Still, there was considerable caution, and the bank was preparing to conduct a round of layoffs. The action came down from the new CEO, who earnestly wanted to “right-size the teams to suit the current scope of business.”

Liz was on board and she worked with the CFO, Colin, and Michael, the senior vice president of operations, to determine how many people she would need to release from her unit. Beyond acting with fairness toward those who would be affected by the layoffs, Liz’s primary objective was to keep as many staff members as she could. She wanted her teams to achieve their business goals for the year, and that meant not putting immediate cost cutting above longer-term results.

Just days before the layoffs were scheduled to be carried out, one of Liz’s senior marketing managers handed in her notice. This individual was an outstanding performer, and she wasn’t on the list to be displaced. Bingo: Liz saw an opening. She went straight to Colin and made the case to keep a marketing manager to backfill the open position.

Colin flatly refused. “No way,” he told her. “We’re finalizing the severance packages with HR and I just ran everything by Gene [the CEO]. Nothing changes!”

Liz wasn’t ready to let it go. She stopped in to see one of her longtime supporters in HR. When she asked if it was indeed too late to pull a package out of her stack, he replied, “It wouldn’t be a problem. We can pull it out any time until we hand them out.”

She went back to Colin, this time to make the case that she would be able to meet her budget projections for the year if she kept this particular slot filled. She also mentioned that HR would be fine with the switch. According to Liz, Colin was irritated at her for “going around him” to consult with HR. She let him vent for a few minutes and then said, “Colin, you can meet your budget and keep one more person from losing their job. It’s the right thing to do, however, I will support your decision.”

After her conversation with Colin, Liz updated Michael, who was managing the logistics of the downsizing. Michael was a close friend of Colin’s and he knew the specifics of how Liz’s unit operated and the role her senior marketing managers played. She asked Michael for his support.

On the day before they were scheduled to announce the layoffs, Colin strode into Liz’s office and sat down. “Okay, you can take a name off the list.” He did not explain why he had changed his mind, and Liz didn’t ask. She simply said, “Good decision, Colin!”

Liz maneuvered through this politically fraught situation. Her subtle moves and astute responses illustrate what we mean by dancing with resistance. Liz needed to “dip and twirl” a bit to reach her objective. It required several rounds and approaches to influence the outcome. She was being responsive and assertive at the same time. And she was confident enough to take a few calculated risks. Although it’s not always smart to route around the top boss, Liz saw a clear opening and used it to get everyone dancing to the same song. Let’s take a closer look at the guiding principles she used to achieve influence over the outcome in this situation.

THREE QUESTIONS to Deal with Resisters

Liz made her win look easy, but it was carefully orchestrated. We know because we were coaching her at the time. Her strategy was guided by three key questions that should be part of any campaign to bypass resistance and beat blockers.

1. What is this disagreement really about?

Pause to identify the particulars of this disagreement. Why is this person resisting you? What does the person have to gain? What does he or she have to lose? What extenuating circumstances are at play?

Liz asked around and pieced together what was happening below the surface of the situation. Colin was indeed making a power play . . . but not against Liz. His resistance, she thought, was a way to look good in front of his new boss—the CEO who called for the layoffs. Liz knew that both men were extremely concerned about financial results for the year. She made it known that exempting the marketing manager’s job would not have a negative impact on financial results and Colin would meet his layoff goal.

2. What is the power dynamic?

Power is a tricky word for women. Many of us perceive it in a negative light. However, different types of power are at play whenever human beings are in conflict. In business settings, power is most commonly delivered from one’s position in the hierarchy, one’s level of expertise, or both. If your resister is a peer, you are probably on level ground with him or her politically—which indicates that you have some latitude in terms of how to proceed. It also means that you can pause to put yourself in their place and ask yourself, what would I do if I were them? Quid pro quo deal making is one common way to manage a peer resister—but there are other effective ways, such as using influence loops to overcome their resistance.

If your resister is a member of a team you manage, you usually have the upper hand where power is concerned. And yet, team members need to be managed very gingerly. They can gain the upper hand fast if they are perceived to be the victim in a power struggle with a superior. In addition, they are in a prime position to damage your reputation should they bad-mouth you to other colleagues. Proceed with caution and never underestimate team members who are bold enough to block a boss.

If your resister has more power than you, then your options are more limited and your success depends on highly astute political maneuvering. This was the position Liz found herself in. Her resister was a C-suite executive, and she acted with that in mind. On the one hand, she was respectful and made it clear that he would make the final decision. On the other hand, she did not feel the need to treat him with kid gloves. She leveraged her relationships with peers in HR and operations, and they acted on her behalf behind the scenes.

3. Has trust been established?

How do you feel about your resister and his or her motives? Do you trust the person? Does he or she trust you? This was an easy one for Liz. She had known Colin for years and she trusted him. She believed that he trusted her. This led Liz to believe that Colin wanted to do the right thing. In the end, she gave him a way to do exactly that.

A Quick Reference Guide: Common Scenarios for Resisters

It can be difficult to get into the mind of a resister, but it is imperative to do so. You must understand their motives in order to win them over or neutralize their objections. Here is a list of the most common scenarios we hear about from our clients.

STRATEGIES for Neutralizing Resisters

Resisters emerge from high up in organizations, from the ground floor, and from everywhere in between, and they withhold support or directly oppose you for numerous reasons. The trio of questions we used with Liz will help guide you in planning a strategy to win over or go around resisters. Let’s also look at several of the influence strategies presented in previous chapters to examine how they can be used.

Build trust before you need it

Many of the strategies in this chapter, and throughout this book, are aimed at moving toward your competitors, adversaries, or resisters as opposed to keeping your distance and turning away. This is because building influence requires generating trust. After all, most opposition occurs due to a lack of trust. As we said in chapter 7, building trust before you need it keeps your resisters to a minimum. As the inevitable naysayers emerge, always ask yourself, how can I establish trust? You either need to use trust to forge a path that is big enough for the both of you or enlist enough support to simply plow ahead. Regardless, trust is the key to influence, and it is also at the center of our dance with resistance.

Use facts to persuade

When you encounter resistance, go find the facts. Does your plan improve cycle time by 20 percent? Do the numbers prove that it will reduce costs and elevate efficiencies? The wonderful thing about facts is that they require very little interpretation. Facts speak for themselves, and they are an indispensable part of any persuasion campaign. A rule of thumb is to do your homework and have three to five facts at your fingertips that help strengthen your case and make your position harder to block. This dovetails nicely with the idea of using meaningful specifics, as mentioned in chapter 8. Facts and figures are a type of meaningful specific that can quantify the upside of your idea and lend rigor to your agenda.

Align your goals with theirs

Finding common goals is an excellent way to turn blockers into allies and resisters into supporters. To flip the dynamic in this way, influencers need to know more than why a blocker is opposing their plan. They also need to know what the blocker wants instead. Oftentimes, there is ample overlap hidden within opposing arguments. Finding alignment requires changing one’s perspective. For instance, when your team wants to grow by acquiring a Seattle-based vendor and your blocker wants to merge with a company in Singapore, begin by focusing on a merger instead of the specific partner. No matter how vast your differences are, identifying your commonalities will bring you closer together.

Interestingly, individuals might not even realize they agree with you until you point out the commonalities that exist between your perspectives. Taking the time to communicate common ground is a positive, effective way to win allies and influence an outcome. No matter how you approach it, common ground works for women because it enables us to achieve our objectives in a win-win way.

Rethink your communication approach

When an idea you have floated goes over like a lead balloon, don’t necessarily scrap the notion altogether; just tweak how you talk about it. We’ve seen this seldom-used strategy work wonders in winning over supporters.¹ The trick is to focus on three crucial factors. First, know your audience. Your elevator speech should be tailored for each audience. A pitch that appeals to customers, for example, won’t contain the same nuggets as one that engages a board member. Next, figure out why you are being blocked. Understanding the opposing argument will strengthen your message and help bring blockers on board. Finally, take the direct approach and open a line of communication with the opposition. Many times, resistant people get locked into an entrenched stance and dialogue is what finally draws them out. Ask, “How would it be possible for you to support this?” This transformational question alters the conversation from a “yes but” exchange to one in which you are discussing the possibilities and finally getting to yes. The direct approach stimulates creative thinking and can turn a deadlock into a collaborative effort.

Turn to your tribe

Some resisters seem like they may never yield their position, and perhaps they never will. They might be holding a grudge or competing against you for resources. What’s your plan? When women try everything to turn around their blockers and come up short, we tell them to forget about the resisters and focus on building support. Remain positive and call on your agents, sponsors, and followers to work on your behalf.

How you utilize your support depends on who the resister is. If your blocker is your boss, start by asking a well-placed sponsor to make your case when the time is right. If your blocker is a peer, a groundswell of followers can often turn the tide in your favor. Regardless, a strong show of support has a multiplier effect that can win over (or wear down) blockers with time.

Pick your battles

Sometimes the simplest strategies pack a real punch. Several of the executives we interviewed insisted that the best influencers always know how to choose their battles. Here’s what they said:

• “They know when a battle is worth the political capital it will require to win.”
• “They take the time to evaluate the situation. And they have a framework to help them decide when to stand their ground and when to gracefully fold.”
• “They know that resistance cannot always be overcome. Sometimes they pack it in and live to fight another day.”

What all this means is that we must be strategic in deciding if our broader interests are best served by digging in or by compromising on our position and perhaps gaining supporters in the process.

To get a lift from the Influence Effect, you have to figure out how to deal with individuals who do not support your ideas. You are going to experience resistance—it’s just a matter of when—so carefully plan how you will smoothly navigate it.

Executive Summary

• Naming the power dynamic that is at play helps us identify our options and isolate our limitations in a resistance situation.
• Know the specifics: Why is this person resisting? What does the person have to gain? What does he or she have to lose? What extenuating circumstances are at play?
• It can be difficult to get inside the mind of a resister, but it is imperative to do so. We must understand resisters’ motives in order to win them over or neutralize their objections.
• Trust is the key to influence. We must ask ourselves, How do I feel about my resister and his or her motives? Do I trust the person? Does he or she trust me?
• We can win over resisters by generating trust, leading with facts, aligning our goals with those of the resisters, altering our communication style, turning to our tribe, and picking our battles.