UNIQUENESS OF GRIEF RESPONSE
We have already reminded ourselves that people mourn in different ways. To expect every family you serve to respond to a death in the same way would be inappropriate. Perhaps a helpful procedure at this point would be to review some of the many factors that influence how different people respond to the death of someone.
While ten factors are outlined in this section of this book, they are not intended to be all-inclusive. However, your awareness of these influences should prove to enhance your capacity to understand and assist bereaved families. Following each factor are guidelines in the form of questions for you as a helper to keep in mind as you enter the helping relationship. These questions should be of real importance to anyone involved in post-funeral service follow-up.
1. NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON WHO DIED
Different persons will have their own unique responses to the same loss based on the relationship that existed between self and the person that died. For example, with the death of a parent, observers will note that adult children will often grieve in totally different ways. This is only natural based on such influences as the prior attachment in the relationship and the function the relationship served for them. We know, for example, that relationships that have had strong components of ambivalence are more difficult to reconcile than those not as conflicted.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What was the nature of the relationship that existed between the grieving person and the person who died?
b. What was the nature of the level of attachment in the relationship?
c. What functions did the relationship serve in this person’s life?
2. AVAILABILITY, HELPFULNESS, AND ABILITY OF THE PERSON TO MAKE USE OF A SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM
The lack of a consistent, stabilizing support system typically results in a difficult, if not impossible, reconciliation process. To heal in one’s grief requires an environment of empathy, support, and encouragement.
On occasion, you will observe a person who would appear to have a support system of family and friends, only to discover that little compassion or support is in the environment. When this is the situation, the person is lacking a vital ingredient that aids in the reconciliation. You also will witness those persons who have support available for a relatively short period of time after the death, only to have this support rapidly dwindle in weeks that follow. Again, for healing to occur, social support must be ongoing.
Some persons do not make effective use of a social support system that is, in fact, available to them. Those persons often isolate themselves and have difficulty accepting others’ concern and support.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. Does the person have a positive support system available?
b. Is this support available on an extended basis?
c. Is the person able and willing to accept support from other persons?
3. UNIQUE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE BEREAVED PERSON
Previous styles of responding to loss and other crises often are, to some extent, predictive of a person’s response to the death of a loved person. If a person has always tried to keep himself or herself distant or run away from crises, he or she may well follow this pattern when confronted with grief. However, if a person has always tended to confront crises head-on and express many thoughts and feelings, he or she will likely follow this pattern of behavior.
Other personality factors such as self-esteem, values, and beliefs also impact on the bereaved person’s unique response to grief. Any prior mental health problems also might influence a person’s response to loss.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. How has this person responded to prior loss or crises in his or her life?
b. What was this person’s personality like prior to the loss, particularly as it relates to self-esteem?
c. Any previous history of mental health related difficulties, particularly as it relates to depression?
4. UNIQUE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PERSON WHO DIED
Just as the characteristics of the bereaved person are reflected in the experience of grief, so, too, are the characteristics of the person who died. For example, some person’s personality has been such that he or she has never been very easy to live with. With that person’s death, survivors often experience ambivalent feelings. While they may miss the person, often other things about the person they do not miss. An illustration of this is when an alcoholic dies. The surviving family may miss the person; however, they are often relieved that they do not have to experience some of the person’s behavior.
At the other end of the spectrum is the person whose personality was such that he or she was always a soothing, stabilizing influence within the family. The person managed to “keep the family together.” In the absence of the stabilizing force, the surviving family often breaks down and can no longer function in the manner that it once did.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What was the personality of the person who died like?
b. Based on the person’s unique personality, what role did he or she play within the family, i.e., stabilizer, disrupter, etc.?
The circumstances surrounding the death have a tremendous impact on the survivor’s grief. Included among the circumstances of which the helper should be aware are the age of the person who died, an anticipated death versus a sudden death, and any sense of having been able to have prevented the death.
The age of the person who died can have an impact on the psychological acceptance of the death. For example, within the order of the world we anticipate that parents will die before their children. When a child dies it is an assault of the natural course of events. The death of children in our culture is always seen as being untimely. Another example of the impact of age is the 40-year-old person who is thought to be in the “prime of life” who dies.
Numerous studies have addressed the reality that having the opportunity to anticipate a death assists in the griever’s adaption to the loss. Sudden, unexpected loss, obviously does not allow the griever any opportunity for psychological preparation. Having the opportunity to anticipate a death does not lessen one’s grief; however, it does provide time to prepare and attempt to understand the reality of the death.
Those persons that have persistent thoughts that they should have been able to have prevented the death typically experience more prolonged and severe grief reactions. While it is very natural for one to assess one’s culpability upon the death of someone loved, some persons continue to blame themselves over a period of time. While a sense of preventability at times evolves from the griever’s own unrealistic perceptions, you will see some persons whose behavior, in fact, could have impacted on the outcome of the death that occurred. One example of this is the person who fell asleep when driving an automobile, with an accident resulting in the death of a passenger.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What were the circumstances surrounding the death?
b. How old was the person who died?
c. What is the survivor’s perception of the timeliness of the death?
d. Was the death anticipated or was it sudden and unexpected?
e. Does the person have a persistent sense that he or she should have been able to have prevented the death?
6. PERSON’S RELIGIOUS AND CULTURAL HISTORY
The grieving person’s response to death is impacted by unique cultural and religious backgrounds. Different cultures are known for the various ways in which they express or repress their grief. The capacity to respect these differences enhances the helper’s effectiveness. Individual differences secondary to religious and cultural backgrounds may assist or detract from the person’s journey toward reconciliation of the loss.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What is the survivor’s religious and cultural background?
b. How do these backgrounds influence the person’s ability to give himself or herself permission to mourn?
c. What can this person teach me about his or her religious and cultural backgrounds?
7. OTHER CRISES OR STRESSES IN THE PERSON’S LIFE
An individual loss seldom occurs in isolation. The death of someone loved often means the loss of financial security, the loss of one’s long-time friends and perhaps the loss of one’s community. The helper should always assess other stresses and losses occurring in the survivor’s life. Examples would include the person who may have some physical disability, strained family or friend relationship, or is unemployed. These additional stresses are known to impact negatively the experiences of one’s grief.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What other stresses does this person have impacting on his or her life at this time?
b. What additional losses have resulted in his or her life from the death of this person?
8. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES WITH DEATH
We now live in what has been termed by the sociologist Robert Fulton as “the world’s first death-free generation.” This means that it is now possible for a person to grow into adulthood without having experienced a close personal loss. For these persons who have had no previous experience with death, no opportunity has been present to develop resources to cope. In addition, prior negative associations with death can influence one’s capacity to grieve in a healthy way. For example, if someone has learned to avoid death and run away from its reality, chances are this pattern will be adopted in the future.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What is the survivor’s previous experience with death?
b. How have these previous experiences influenced the person’s attitudes and behaviors related to grief?
9. SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS BASED ON THE SEX OF THE SURVIVOR
This relates to how males and females are taught differently about expressing their feelings. Generally men are encouraged to “be strong” and restrain themselves from the expression of painful emotions. Typically, men have more difficulty in allowing themselves to be helpless than women do. Women often experience difficulty in expressing feelings of anger, whereas men tend to be more quick to express explosive emotions. The key here is to respect the ways the person has been socialized, based on sex, to respond in the face of loss in his or her life. The task of the helper is not to change their response, but to understand it and facilitate its healthy expression.
Question to Ask Self as Helper
How has this person been socially influenced to respond to loss based on his or her sex?
10. RITUAL OR FUNERAL EXPERIENCE
Decisions survivors make related to the experience of the funeral can either help or hinder the journey through grief. In spite of frequent criticism, funerals assist in social, psychological, and spiritual reconciliation after a death. Numerous research findings have confirmed the value of the funeral. Many people who experience complicated grief, relate that their experience with the funeral was minimized or inadequate in some way.
The funeral can serve as a time to honor the person who has died, bring survivors close together for needed support, affirm that life goes on, and give mourners a context of meaning related to their own religious or philosophical backgrounds. If the purpose of the funeral is minimized or distorted in some way, the experience of reconciling one’s grief often becomes more difficult.
Questions to Ask Self as Helper
a. What was this person’s experience with the funeral?
b. Did the funeral experience aid in the expression or repression of the individual’s grief?
c. What role does this person believe the funeral played in his or her experience with grief?
SUMMARY RELATED TO GRIEF RESPONSE
Again, keeping the above factors in mind will aid you in understanding the person’s unique experience with grief. On occasion, you may find it helpful to review these influences, as well as those questions to ask yourself as a helper. Anyone doing follow-up should continually reassess these questions as you accompany the person in the “work of mourning.”