WHY THIS BOOK?
The impetus for this book came from the enthusiastic response of funeral home staffs who have discovered the rewards of learning effective interpersonal skills. Effective interpersonal or “helping skills” serve as the foundation upon which other life skills are developed. Sound funeral service practice is dependent on high levels of interpersonal communication.
This book is the culmination of the author’s efforts to contribute to funeral service in a productive and, hopefully, meaningful way. My desire is that the contents be of value to both the student just starting out in funeral service and the experienced practitioner. For the student, this book is intended to provide a solid foundation in interpersonal skills training and their mastery. For the experienced funeral director, the book will serve as a resource for assessing current skills, adding new skills, and enhancing professional competence.
As a trainer of funeral home staffs I work from the conviction that all interpersonal relationships are either helpful (growth-enhancing), neutral (neither helpful or harmful), or harmful (destructive). I also believe that skills in responding helpfully to others are not innate, but learned through modeling and focused practice.
This book provides principles, practical skills, and activities whose aim is to enhance funeral home staffs’ ability to respond helpfully to others. So, in essence, the contents of this text are directed at persons in funeral service who want to be more effective in working with people. My hope is that by the time you have completed this training program you will have some additional tools which will allow you to feel even more comfortable in your interpersonal relationships.
During my years as a college student and prior to becoming a person who works as a clinical thanatologist and educator, I had the distinct privilege of living and working in a progressive funeral home for seven years. As my own learning progressed, I began to teach funeral home staffs—both employers and employees—human relations or helping skills. What I discovered was a group of very caring people who had a true desire to find specific ways to better help people before, during, and after the funeral. I also discovered that when funeral home staffs worked together in an effort to learn interpersonal skills, their effectiveness and sense of satisfaction with their chosen profession of funeral service increased tremendously.
As I have traveled throughout the United States and Canada, training funeral directors, I’m always disappointed when I encounter that segment of funeral directors who firmly believe that “funeral directors are not and should not be counselors.”
My own belief is that any funeral director who does not believe he or she “counsels” families might want to consider if this profession is really meant for him or her. This debate about “Is the funeral director a counselor?” goes beyond definitional semantics to the essential role of the funeral director.
Perhaps Howard Raether and Robert Slater (1975) responded to this question best when they wrote in their text, The Funeral Director and His Role As Counselor, that, “Most persons who notify the funeral director of a death and ask him to be of service are in essence saying, ‘I have a problem; what should I do?’ As soon as the funeral director acknowledges this notification and begins to give direction to the person or persons involved, he assumes the role of counselor.”
There is no doubt that this long-lasting argument about the “funeral director as counselor” is based on how one defines counseling. If we define counseling in the following way, perhaps we can all agree that funeral directors are, in fact, counselors:
Counseling in funeral service is an interpersonal helping process designed to help one party or entire family gain insight into a problem and discover ways to cope with the problem.
A death within the family often creates crisis for the survivors. The survivors have a problem—confronting the death of someone loved. No other helping professional has the same level of intimate contact with the family at a time of death than the funeral director. Through his or her training and experience the funeral director offers counsel related to choices that help survivors cope with the death of someone loved. My experience suggests that compassionate and competent counsel can dramatically impact the long-term healing process of surviving family members. So, in summary, I believe the funeral director is a counselor. The question is whether he or she will be helpful, neutral, or harmful in the interpersonal arena.
Experience tells us that statements of appreciation following a funeral relate to personal service, not to equipment and caskets. This is an obvious reminder that the most important thing that you, the funeral director, have to offer is yourself.
The physician offers service. The minister offers service. The attorney offers service. And the most important thing that the funeral director has to offer is himself or herself.
The chapel, the couch, the limousine, and the music are worth little to the family without the person who by the experience, education, and concern helps make the funeral meaningful.
At a recent state convention I overheard a funeral director make the following comment: “I think I received the best funeral service education available, but it was education in the physical sciences and not training in helping the living people. In other words, at the same time I was being told the funeral was for the living, I was only being trained to care for the dead.”
I have attempted to bring to this book what I believe is the most essential of interpersonal skills for funeral service personnel. You will not find in-depth theoretical discussion of the nature of helping relationships. You will not find technical jargon or lengthy quotations. What you will find, however, are practical and effective ways to feel more complete in your work as a funeral director.
So this book is an introduction to applied human relations whereby you will be encouraged to integrate your current knowledge with new skills in order to reach a higher level of interpersonal effectiveness. Do keep in mind, though, that human relations, the interactions between people, is a vast subject.
While you will learn communication skills specific to your work role in funeral service, my intent is not, nor should it be, to make you a therapist. After all, had you wanted to be a therapist, you would not have gone to mortuary science school. However, it is highly probable that part of the reason you went to mortuary school was to be helpful to your fellow human beings. This training program will allow you to more effectively meet your need to be helpful to others.
The material in this book has been ordered in a manner so that efficient learning will occur. The design is to present information sequentially with skills building one on another. Working from the front of the text to the back will be the most effective means of learning for the reader. This format will lend itself to learning for the novice, as well as the experienced funeral director.
Thanks to many funeral directors who have asked me to train their staffs, I have been able to refine the contents of this book over the period of several years. My initial training manual did not include the information outlined in Part IV. However, with encouragement of many of my funeral director friends, I have decided to include them in this more comprehensive text. Readers’ comments and suggestions will, no doubt, prove helpful in decisions about what to include or exclude from any future editions.
While this book is designed to be used in a variety of ways, your participation in a workshop setting with an experienced trainer is strongly recommended. The opportunity to participate with others and to share experiences has proven to be an invaluable component of the training. Increased understanding typically comes from discussions, modeling, and group experiences, rather than from simply reading the text. Some value, however, would be gained by working through the book individually or in a small group.
This book is divided into five major sections consisting of twenty-three chapters. Part I recognizes the role of interpersonal skills in funeral service. Part II focuses on developing specific interpersonal skills and provides a sequential model of learning and practicing what you learn. Part III outlines potential barriers to effective communication. Part IV provides a comprehensive look at grief and mourning and Part V closes out the text with some important information about caring for you, the caregiver.
Activities have been included in an effort to assist you in looking at personal concerns, thoughts, and feelings related to your work in the area of interpersonal skills.
The time has come for those of you in funeral service to change how you manage and develop capable employees. Owners and managers need to make a strong commitment so that effective interpersonal skills and outstanding service are tied closely to business strategy. All too often, employee development is perceived as a narrow specialty rather than as a central part of mainstream business strategy.
Historically, people within funeral service have been slow to change. Too many owners and managers have treated the development of employee skills with aloofness, if not outright indifference. Employee training, particularly in the area of interpersonal skills and service objectives, has often been fragmented or nonexistent.
Hopefully, this is beginning to change. Wise owners and managers are beginning to see that mobilizing people toward service objectives is the way to create competitive advantage. Human performance results in service differentiation!
A key to successful funeral service practice is to translate customer needs (helpful interpersonal relationships and excellent service) into business objectives, and then to translate business objectives into employee performance requirements.
I once heard someone say, “Organizations don’t do things. People do.” Something terrific happens when you put effective interpersonal skills and excellent service at the top of your priorities. A number of other problems go away, because they are symptoms of not having the entire funeral home staff mobilized for results.
A bereaved family deserves the very best that you can provide in terms of service. Please remember—whether you are a receptionist, licensed director, student, part-time helper, manager, or owner—the family served is the one who is paying for everything and everyone. Yes, when you get people thinking about what matters to those you serve, you also get them thinking about how the funeral home earns its profit.
I challenge you to lead your funeral home staff in the direction of a total commitment to quality service. Leadership is about sharing a vision, setting objectives, creating opportunities, and moving forward. Funeral service seems full of people who manage, plan, and administer. But, they rarely move forward to lead a charge or champion a cause.
This cause relates to the existence of funeral service into the future. I predict that unless families receive consistently outstanding service right now, funeral service as we know it will not exist in thirty years.
Raether, H.C., & Slater, R.C. (1975). The funeral director and his role as counselor. Milwaukee: National Funeral Directors Association.