5
Avoid Victimitis

WHEN I WAS in eighth grade I joined a youth group, and at our first event we had a speaker who introduced us to the PLUM game. PLUM stood for “Poor Little Unfortunate Me,” and the speaker’s contention was that most of us knew how to play this game all too well, especially when we were faced with tough challenges or if things didn’t go our way. He explained that when people play the PLUM game, they take little or no responsibility for their own situation. Instead they pretend to be victims when actually they’re just whining about their regrets—for example, how they don’t get what they rightfully deserve, how things never go their way, how they always get the short end of the stick, and all the other ways that life has somehow cheated them.

He called this pattern of behavior “victimitis” and was quick to make the distinction between it and being a true victim: “People with this condition actually have the ability to change their circumstances,” he said, “but somehow they convince themselves that they can’t.” Next he had us practice whining “Poor little unfortunate me!” in our most nasal voice possible. This way he could be certain we understood just how annoying people with this disease sounded. Then he gave some examples of the regrets that adolescents with victimitis whine about, most of which rang true for our group: “I got a bad grade on the test …” “I didn’t make the team …” “I didn’t get the part I wanted in the play …” “I’m not popular …” “My parents are on my case …” “I’m grounded for a week …” After each example we had to shout “Poor little unfortunate me!” The exercise was both invigorating and revealing, and it still sticks with me today.

I’ve noticed that adults are also good at playing the PLUM game. Adults with victimitis feel cheated in life and love to whine about their regrets. Familiar whines include “I don’t get enough credit for all the work I do around here …” “I’ll never be able to make enough money to live the life I want …” “Everyone else has it easier than me …” “I’m overweight …” “People take me for granted …” “No one understands me …” “I’m such a screwup …” People with this condition are filled with self-pity and wear their regrets on their sleeves. They are paralyzed by their victimitis and never seem to take ownership of their situation. Plus they’re not very fun to be around.

So how do we avoid victimitis? A good way to start is by acknowledging that each of us has the power to change the way we react to the situations we face in life. For instance, if you’re having a bad day, feeling dissatisfied with your job, experiencing relationship issues, or failing to live up to your commitments, how you handle these situations is still completely up to you. Look inward instead of outward to identify the true source of your regrets. Refrain from blaming others, making excuses, and acting helpless. If you catch yourself whining, stop. Take personal responsibility for your situation—and also for the solution. When we stop feeling sorry for ourselves, our feelings of regret about our circumstances in life subside. Avoid victimitis and see the world in a better way.

Recognize that each
of us has the power to
change the way we react
to the situations
we face in life.

∼ What is an example of a time when you’ve shown symptoms of victimitis?

∼ What can you do going forward to avoid falling into that trap again?