6

ACTING: THE MOVES THAT ALLEVIATE SUFFERING AT WORK

IN THE WORLD OF WORK, compassion is expressed in action. Our research has uncovered the fact that compassion at work is largely improvisational, meaning that actions often have to be made up on the spot, shaped in ways that correspond with the unique circumstances of suffering. Like improv actors who make up their lines as they go or jazz musicians who build off of one another’s notes, compassionate actions are creative moves that build off of interpretations of suffering, feelings of empathic concern, and perceptive engagement about what will be helpful. Unlike actors or musicians, however, most managers and leaders don’t receive training or know how to deliberately build skill in acting with compassion. We can remedy this lack of training and preparation. Research demonstrates that managing with compassion is learnable and can be developed through practice.¹

When actions taken to alleviate suffering are improvisational, creative, and skillfully devised to meet unique, idiosyncratic needs, we refer to them as compassion moves. Moves are more than acts—they represent skillful and practical knowing-in-action. Workplace compassion moves that are based in our knowledge about someone else help in two ways: they alleviate suffering and they keep work going. Compassion moves fit both the needs of people and the norms and routines that govern work life.

COMMON COMPASSION MOVES

Our research uncovered examples of many common and important compassion moves at work. Nazima’s story, adapted from our research, illustrates many. Nazima got a phone call from her sister Chenni in the middle of a workday, and she knew instantly that something must be wrong. Chenni’s voice reinforced Nazima’s instinctive feeling of concern. “There’s been an accident,” Chenni said. “Faith has died.” Nazima and Chenni shared a special bond that had been strengthened when Chenni’s daughter, Faith, had been born with Down syndrome. Nazima had spent a lot of time with the family and was close to Faith. Nazima had grown closer to her sister as her relationship with her niece evolved. Chenni relayed a story of a terrible and tragic accident that had taken Faith’s life that day. Nazima listened, stunned.

Nazima occupied an important role in her organization, running crucial projects. When Chenni called, she had been preparing for the largest board meeting of the year, involving a complex budget review and discussion of other sensitive issues. She was due to get on a plane later that afternoon to travel to the meeting. She felt immediately that she could not go, though she knew it was going to place a heavy burden on others to cover for her. Nazima called Ed, a colleague who was also due to travel and attend the meeting. Ed’s response was instant: “Your sister needs you. Don’t worry about the meeting. I’ll handle everything.”

FLEXIBLE TIME TO COPE WITH SUFFERING

Ed recalled that conversation with Nazima vividly. “There was no question in my mind about the priorities for Nazima or our team,” he said. “I would step in and do whatever was necessary. She absolutely needed to be able to choose to be with her family.” At times like this, providing people with flexibility is an important compassion move. Some people cope with suffering by being completely present with their families or loved ones and bowing out of work in the midst of grief and loss. Others prefer to work. Still others wish to remain partially involved in work. Accommodating unique preferences with flexible time arrangements is an important aspect of making this compassion move work.

While we might think that this is an easy or obvious compassion move, in reality not all organizations or work relationships support it. LaShonda, a woman we interviewed, recalled a time when her mother-in-law died and she asked her longtime supervisor for time off. The supervisor responded by telling LaShonda that he didn’t handle schedule requests: “I have staff who handle this, and I don’t want to deal with it.” Ultimately, LaShonda was not granted time off. She described the suffering that this lack of flexibility caused for her and her family, exacerbating the grief that they already felt: “I do remember it as a very uncompassionate moment. I reported to work and missed the viewing at the funeral home. My husband was very upset I couldn’t be there. We had four family members staying with us, but I was expected to be at work, so my husband had to handle things at home with the guests, plus arrange the service at our church and attend a church meal alone. I missed spending that day with twenty-eight members of our family there and missed out on a lot.” Flexible time to cope can be difficult to come by in an organizational topography of deadlines, pressures to perform, and routines that won’t wait. But suffering doesn’t conform to any organizational timetable. Improvisational compassion moves must accommodate the need to get things done as well as to care for those who are suffering, as Ed did when he picked up Nazima’s work and freed her to attend to her sister.

TASK FLEXIBILITY AND BUFFERING

Another set of compassion moves can be described as creating task flexibility that buffers the person in need from a deluge of communication. This compassion move involves creating choices for people who are suffering to engage with work tasks in varying ways depending on their preferences and abilities. It can also involve filtering information and questions through someone who acts as a buffer, protecting the suffering person from being overwhelmed. In Nazima’s case, for instance, Ed checked in with others in the organization, informing them of Faith’s death and suggesting that they work with him for anything involving Nazima. Ed became a buffer for task-related questions and issues, freeing Nazima to focus on her family while he kept things going at work. Others in the organization did not need to try to coordinate with Nazima, since they could redirect their questions to Ed to keep work moving. Sometimes buffering is invisible to those we are protecting, so inquiring about people’s preferences for work communication helps calibrate these compassion moves. Ed buffered Nazima from work requests in a skillful, sensitive manner, checking in with her regularly. As a buffer, Ed also became a conduit of expressions of sympathy from other coworkers, which comforted Nazima but didn’t overwhelm her.

MONITORING AND LISTENING

Because circumstances can change quickly in times of suffering, a third type of compassion move involves monitoring or regularly checking in on someone’s condition. Once again, this compassion move can be improvised to fit the needs and preferences of the people involved, but a quick check-in that works for people who are suffering helps ensure that even while they have freedom from work tasks, they know that they are not alone. The information from regular monitoring and listening to someone who is suffering also helps bolster feelings of concern and provides information to help people customize and sustain compassionate actions. In Nazima’s case, Ed checked in daily in small ways, such as email or text message, just to let Nazima know that he was thinking of her. Once every few days, or when Nazima requested to talk, Ed phoned her. He reiterated that she didn’t need to worry about things at work. The consistent monitoring allowed Nazima to take advantage of Ed’s feelings of concern and his skilled empathic listening. Nazima expressed worries for her sister, feeling comforted by Ed’s acknowledgment of the challenges. While there was nothing more tangible that Ed could do, his being compassionate and listening comforted Nazima.

REASSURANCE AND SAFETY

Ed consistently reassured Nazima that she did not need to worry about work and that her job was safe. This is a fourth type of compassion move: offering reassurance and safety. When people are suffering, knowing that their job is safe relieves a heavy burden of worry. Significant forms of suffering can entail extended absences. When people are offered generous interpretations of their absence, this reassurance becomes a form of compassion. Ed’s organization offered Nazima all the time she needed to be with her sister. Nazima knew from Ed’s reassurance, as well as from his sustained attention and his expressions of concern, that he and others were engaging in generous interpretations of her absence. She felt more able to be compassionate with her family because of the compassion she was receiving from Ed and her colleagues. Again, while this may seem like an obvious compassion move, not all organizations offer reassurances of job security or safety in the face of unexpected or protracted suffering. Many bereavement-leave policies offer only a few days of excused absence. Other jobs offer no sick leave or personal leave of any type. When these organizational policies can be made more accommodating or create more employment safety during suffering, they are significant compassion moves.

RITUALS, MEMORIALS, AND MEMENTOS

A final set of compassion moves focuses on improvised compassionate actions that generate resources that are highly customized to the needs and preferences of those who are suffering. We will focus much more on the collective processes that generate significant resources to alleviate suffering in the next section of the book, where we look at organizational competence. Here, we simply want to note that these improvised moves to generate resources are a significant form of compassion at work. Sometimes compassion moves can involve raising money or collecting donations on behalf of someone who is suffering, when those resources will truly help. At other times, compassion moves can involve bringing people together in memorial services, moments of silence, or other rituals that acknowledge suffering. In Nazima’s case, she spoke with Ed about wanting something unique to offer as part of Faith’s memorial service, but she was not expecting her colleagues to participate. Ed decided to engage others at work in creating a surprise offering of compassion for Nazima and her family. Together with others at work, Ed designed a ritual that would generate a meaningful memento to share with Nazima that could be incorporated into Faith’s memorial service.

Ed and others talked to the organization’s leader, who lived in Hawaii and had a profound respect for Hawaiian culture and rituals. The leader helped organize a remembrance ritual for Faith. To perform the ritual, a group of Nazima’s colleagues in Hawaii paddled into a calm bay where a Hawaiian elder performed a ceremony for Faith. Recalling their wishes for Nazima and her family, each colleague was asked to gently lift the ring of flowers he or she was wearing and place it on the water. As the flowers floated gently on the surface, a professional underwater photographer captured the ritual and the offering of flowers. After the ritual, the organization sent the beautiful photographs to Nazima and her family to use in the memorial service. This highly improvisational, creative, customized move generated an expression of compassion that remained deeply meaningful to Nazima, years later.

While it can seem as if there is nothing we can do in the face of huge losses such as the death of a child, Ed’s consistent compassion moves indicate otherwise. He offered Nazima immediate flexible time to cope with suffering. He created flexibility in Nazima’s tasks and became a buffer by engaging others to work through him. He extended generous interpretations of Nazima’s absences and reassured her of her job safety during her need to be absent from work. He checked in regularly, expressed concern, and listened with empathy. In the end, Ed was able to expand his personal compassion moves to involve others in a ritual that allowed many colleagues to express their compassion as well.

KEY POINTS: A RANGE OF COMPASSION MOVES AT WORK

∞ Compassionate action is improvisational in that it entails action created on the spot and directed by what is most useful for people who are suffering.

∞ Skillful compassion moves are a form of practical knowing-in-action that address suffering and also keep work going.

∞ A range of compassion moves are common at work, including flexible time to cope with suffering, buffering someone from task overload, monitoring and checking in, generating resources that will alleviate suffering, and designing rituals that convey support.

DILEMMAS OF COMPASSIONATE ACTION

For Sethi, who’d been through organizational downturns in the past, the signs were everywhere that life at work was not going to be the same. Top leadership had been saying for months that new technologies were going to change the shape of the business. Sethi, a plant manager at a photographic supply manufacturer, was pretty sure that this was management code for “Watch out, layoffs ahead.”

As he had feared, two weeks later Sethi was asked to meet with the regional manager, who told him to eliminate 20 percent of his hourly workforce over the next three months. Sales were down, technology had been purchased that could replace the labor of many of the workers Sethi supervised, and the downsizing would allow the organization to remain profitable in the face of reduced demand. Sethi had no choice about whether or not to comply; the requirements were clear and the mandate given. He felt that he had a dilemma, however, because while he felt he had no choice about the layoff, he also cared about people’s well-being. Many managers like Sethi have minimal control over the way in which layoffs are executed. After submitting his list of employees ranked according to their most recent performance review, Sethi watched as a number of human resources employees pulled the plant staff into two separate meetings. In one meeting, those whose jobs had been spared were informed of the downsizing and asked to report back to work. In the other meeting, those whose jobs had been eliminated were informed of their fate and escorted out of the building. The organization’s lack of consideration of compassion in the way the downsizing was conducted limited Sethi’s options and made it difficult for him to show his concern.

COMPASSION MOVES DURING DOWNSIZING OR JOB LOSS

Downsizing and layoffs of any kind create pain for those whose jobs are eliminated and for those who survive. Research documents responses that range from anxiety, depression, and anger to distraction and health risks.² In cases like Sethi’s, suffering begets more suffering. For those who are let go, the loss and isolation feeds into destructive health behaviors such as increased smoking and drinking, while new forms of stress arise from financial insecurity, guilt, and shame.³ Those who remain aren’t immune from destructive feelings such as remorse and regret, as well as increased stress at work as they struggle to make sense of what has happened and handle the increased work demands.

Because we have emphasized examples that show skilled moves that build on people’s intuitive capacity for compassion, we run the risk of creating an impression that compassion at work is always present or easy. In fact, compassion moves are rarely obvious or easy. As in Sethi’s case, significant organizational constraints sometimes prevent managers or coworkers from being able to engage in some types of compassionate action. Researchers investigate methods by which managers can perform what they call “necessary evils” with greater compassion, showing that greater care in the process makes a significant difference.⁴ While organizations often choose to perform layoffs in a perfunctory way because of legal concerns, compassion in the process can make a significant difference in people’s mental and emotional outcomes. Managers who meet personally with those who are leaving and who express compassion for their circumstances reduce the suffering. Likewise, managers who address the loss and suffering with those who remain, and who make space for discussion of what has happened, encourage compassion that alleviates some of the feelings of being isolated, alone, and bereft. One employee in our research who was let go from a position with compassion during a downsizing process commented, “I am interested in how an organization accomplished a layoff in a thoughtful and respectful way and established some degree of security despite the changes. I wish more organizations handled layoffs like this.”

The lack of compassion in most downsizing practices exacerbates the financial suffering by adding emotional costs. It doesn’t have to be this way. Legalistic approaches to human suffering create compassion dilemmas that are costly. For instance, physicians used to be coached not to apologize for things that went wrong in a medical procedure because of the fear of lawsuits, creating compassion dilemmas for doctors who wanted to connect with patients in the face of suffering. Researchers who examine malpractice lawsuits have found that this legalistic approach exacerbates rather than solves the problem. When physicians or administrators address suffering and apologize for errors, the number of lawsuits decreases.⁵ Likewise with layoffs. While managers are routinely coached not to apologize or address suffering, research on downsizing shows us that when this process is done with compassion, it increases the organization’s profitability along with well-being and resilience for both those who are leaving and those left behind.

COMPASSION MOVES TO ADDRESS TOXICITY AND DESTIGMATIZE SUFFERING

As we saw when we discussed the costs of empathy in chapter 5, managers or others may feel there is a dilemma in acting with compassion because the job of alleviating suffering seems too big, too uncertain, or too demanding. Research validates the idea that when managers and colleagues do open up space for compassionate conversation, even in the face of toxic politics, poor performance, or other difficult-to-address forms of workplace suffering, others respond. These compassion moves are what our CompassionLab cofounder, Peter Frost, referred to as “toxin handling.”⁶ When work is creating suffering, these people voluntarily serve as peacemakers, listeners, and healers in relation to work conflicts, as Veronica did with Rosita and Juana. They overcome the dilemma by intervening to alleviate suffering associated with work tasks and work relationships. Toxin handling is often invisible in the wider view of the organization, but it is potent in awakening compassion in our work lives. Peter found these compassion moves so powerful that he called for toxin handling to be recognized as a formal role in organizations and to be rewarded for the difficult work it entails. The compassion moves that address toxicity at work—challenging and often thankless—keep the human community on the mend.

Workplace suffering sometimes comes from being ignored or overlooked as much as from being treated with disrespect. Many organizations create compassion dilemmas because they have a way of treating low-status people as invisible. In the face of this fact, powerful compassion moves often involve extending compassion not just to high-status employees but also to those who make the copies or sweep the floors. Compassion moves that extend recognition and benefits to low-status employees are important in alleviating suffering that is widespread and helping resolve this compassion dilemma. Work that is stigmatized or somehow perceived to be “dirty work” in an organization can block compassion as well. As described by Jeff, a member of the janitorial and maintenance staff in an organization we studied, there were many ways that compassionate actions fell short simply because of his role: “After working in maintenance for over five years, I have not seen any sign of compassion in this workplace. Even when both of my in-laws passed away, flowers, cards, even a word of sympathy was never received. When my child was born, no sign of any type was seen, flowers, card, congrats—nothing.” When colleagues and managers limit compassion moves toward those in stigmatized or low-status occupations, suffering escalates. It is not always easy to ensure that compassionate action reaches every corner of an organization, but resolving these dilemmas in favor of greater dignity and inclusion is an indicator of greater compassion competence in the whole organization.

COMPASSION MOVES TO PROTECT PRIVACY

A different type of compassion dilemma arises when organizations, managers, or coworkers need to protect the privacy of those who are suffering even as they figure out how to take compassionate action. Some instances that call for compassionate action at work are murky and difficult, and not everyone will want his or her suffering acknowledged in public. Research now validates the fact that receiving compassion is often accompanied by a variety of fears, exacerbating these dilemmas and making compassion moves even more difficult.⁷ Suffering entails vulnerability, and people may not want to risk being seen as weak.⁸ Some people conflate compassion with pity and reject it because they feel shame. These compassion dilemmas arose for Krista and Liam, whom we met in our research. Krista used improvisational moves to focus on compassion at work even while protecting Liam’s privacy.

Liam had already given two weeks’ notice and resigned from the manufacturing plant where he had worked for a few years as a line leader when his partner, Nathan, started to complain that he was too tired to go to work. While Nathan was ill, Liam made soup and drove their kids to school and coached soccer, keeping their lives normal. After a week of Nathan being unable to rise to the demands of their busy life with three young boys, Liam persuaded Nathan to see a doctor. Nathan did not recover. Inconclusive tests piled up, as did medical bills that began to worry Liam. How would he be able to take on a new job with this strain from Nathan’s illness?

When Liam and the shift foreman asked Krista, the human resources leader, to join their meeting one morning just before Liam’s departure, she was surprised. Liam’s work transition plan was in order, and she couldn’t imagine what else was needed. The shift foreman shocked Krista by asking her to rescind Liam’s letter of resignation. Without going into detail, he explained that Liam’s partner was suffering from a protracted undiagnosed illness and Liam needed continuous insurance coverage. Krista recalled the careful attention that the shift foreman gave to talking with her while protecting Liam and Nathan’s privacy, not putting Liam on the spot or revealing too many details.

The ambiguous nature of Nathan’s illness, coupled with Liam’s desire to keep his situation private, made it difficult to interpret Liam’s needs. No one wanted to ask too many questions, but Krista and the other leaders recognized that one thing they could do was to interpret this suffering in a generous way and extend Liam’s employment status. They rescinded his resignation. That decision provided stable employment and health insurance to the family, an expression of the organization’s compassion. Krista conveyed how she put herself in Liam’s shoes during this time as a way to tap into her feelings of concern: “If you can imagine trying to change benefit providers in the middle of something like that, well, it’s just really stressful.”

Liam feared that his coworkers’ judgment about his life outside of work could create discord, so he kept his life with Nathan and their kids very private. After a few weeks, Nathan was diagnosed with a very rare form of terminal cancer that was untreatable. Krista recalled the dilemma she felt: “I wanted to do something. I never had a close relationship with Liam, but I wanted to do something. But I also knew that he didn’t want to be involved.” When word circled the work community that Nathan would soon die, Krista knew that others would share her desire to respond. She described her thought process at the time: “I felt sure that there would be a variety of emotions among our staff. Something like this is scary and sad. So I considered what we could do to create space for people to have whatever emotions they had. I wanted to honor Liam and Nathan, but also to create a community together for everyone else at work.”

Krista had attended a Quaker college, and the rituals from that institution inspired her as she wrestled with the dilemma of how to respond to Nathan’s terminal illness. She recalled, “In college, whenever we had a crisis or there was a difficult situation in the world, we would gather in the heart of the campus—metaphorically and literally gather around the heart—and form a massive circle for a moment of silence. It occurred to me that this could be a beautiful way to come together, acknowledge Liam and Nathan, and reinforce our community. So I checked with the plant manager. He thought it was a good idea, and then I sent a message inviting the entire shift to attend during lunch break.”

Rituals like this one are often helpful in times when people need to find their way into shared humanity that fuels more generous interpretations in the face of suffering. While work can become a world of rational action, moments of grief, loss, and shock often call for rituals that bring us back to our common roots. On a day when Liam was not present, Krista and her organization gathered in an empty space on the factory floor at the lunch break. Krista said a few words of introduction to the circle and invited people to be silent together and to call to mind Liam and Nathan if they wished. The Quaker tradition offers that people only need to speak if they feel that they can improve upon the silence. Krista and her plant manager held the circle until the plant manager closed with an invitation to remain for lunch together. “There were a lot of tears and hugs and connections,” Krista remembered. “It just allowed people to be together to feel whatever they felt. I was surprised when I walked in to see a lot of people from the night shift there, too,” she said. “Apparently, staff had shared the invitation. Afterward, many of them thanked me for the opportunity to be present, remarking on how important it was for them to feel that we were coming together as a community.”

Krista’s invitation to her workplace to come together in a deliberate moment of silence fostered feelings of gratitude from many members of the organization, who didn’t know exactly what else to do for Liam and Nathan. The dilemma of acknowledging suffering while preserving privacy was resolved by the ritual that Krista facilitated. She and others wrote an account of their feelings as they stood in the circle and later shared it with Liam as a token of their sympathy. When leaders like Krista find ways to improvise compassion moves that bring people together without sacrificing someone’s wishes to be alone, these moves help workplace communities engage in alleviating suffering with integrity and dignity.

KEY POINTS: DILEMMAS OF COMPASSIONATE ACTION

∞ Dilemmas arise when compassion is hindered by legalistic approaches that deny human connection. Compassion moves restore warmth.

∞ Corrosive politics, toxic interactions, consistent underperformance, and other forms of conflict at work are significant sources of suffering that cannot be left unaddressed. They require fierce compassion.

∞ Dilemmas arise when people fear giving or receiving compassion at work because of being viewed as weak or vulnerable. Compassion moves remain sensitive to these fears and preserve integrity and privacy.

AN INVITATION TO REFLECT ON COMPASSION MOVES

Suffering ripples across an organization in ways that aren’t predictable. Improvised compassionate action meets it, calling people into a flow that evolves as needs become clear. When actions to alleviate suffering are improvisational, wise, and creative, they become compassion moves that represent practical knowing-in-action. Compassion moves take into account the hierarchies and power structures that otherwise hinder our capacity to see one another, creating flexibility and time to heal even as work moves ahead. Compassion moves draw us together, renewing human connection in rituals that offer solace. While in the grind of time, organizations grip us with task demands, deadlines, and performance pressures, compassion moves buffer us and create spaciousness to awaken our capacity for compassion even as we keep work going.

∞

When have you improvised in the face of suffering or faced down a dilemma of compassionate action at work? Use the tool in Part Four: Blueprints for Awakening Compassion at Work to discover your strengths and weaknesses and to build your capacity for compassion at work.