CHAPTER 6

Switching Questions

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor Frankl

As I stepped off the elevator at the Pearl Building, I found Joseph watering his ficus trees with a large red watering can. It surprised me to see him doing something I would have handed off to my staff. He turned to me with a friendly smile. “I love having plants around. It’s a daily reminder that all living things require our attention,” he said. “No office should be without at least a plant or two. My wife, Sarah, is the gardener in our family. She says plants force you to ask yourself questions. Are they getting enough water, enough sun? Do they need a little pruning? Do they need special nutrients? They thrive on questions, just as we humans do.” He quickly finished his gardening chores and we went inside.

“When we finished our last meeting, we were talking about the Choice Map and what it tells us about Learner and Judger mindsets,” Joseph began. “Have you had any further thoughts about any of this?”

I guardedly told him about Grace, our talk in the kitchen, and how she’d taken the Choice Map from the refrigerator to work with her.

“It’s clear that we get different results depending on which of the two paths we take—Learner or Judger,” I told Joseph hesitantly. “Maybe I get stuck in Judger more than I’d like to admit.”

“Fortunately, there’s a fast track out of Judger as soon as you recognize that mindset has you in its grip.” Joseph pointed to the little road in the middle of the map, joining the Judger and the Learner path. A sign labeled it the Switching Lane. “That lane is the key to change. Once you notice you’re in Judger—I mean non-judgmentally, of course—you get to Learner by asking Switching questions. Let’s look at how that works.

“When you’re standing in Judger,” Joseph continued, “the whole world usually looks pretty bleak. Even though the world is actually filled with infinite possibilities, we have only limited access to noticing them when seeing with Judger eyes or listening with Judger ears. Let me show you how to change your viewpoint, how to literally see and hear everything differently, sometimes almost immediately. For a moment, locate yourself on the Judger Path, right where the Switching Lane begins.”

I turned my attention to the map and focused on the juncture of the Judger path and the Switching Lane.

“Any time you step onto this path,” he continued, pointing to the Switching Lane, “you automatically step into choice. You wake up. You uncover a whole new view of the world. You literally switch how you’re thinking about what’s possible. When you observe your own thoughts, especially Judger ones, they relax their grip on you, and you increase your ability to choose freely what to think and do next.

“You’re talking about choice like it’s something we possess . . . a capacity.”

“Absolutely! We’re all born with that capacity,” Joseph exclaimed. “That’s what makes us human. Choice is always ours, although it takes practice, and sometimes courage, to make the best use of it. The author Viktor Frankl spoke of ‘the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’

“And making this practical is what it’s all about. That’s where the rubber hits the road. Whenever you sense you might be in Judger, pause, take a deep breath, get curious, and ask yourself, Am I in Judger? Of course, the tricky part is that you have to ask that question nonjudgmentally! If the answer is Yes, I am in Judger, you can step onto the Switching Lane by asking simple questions like: Do I want to be in Judger? And Where would I like to be?” Joseph laughed. “Is it easy? Not always, but it is simple. The Switching Lane takes you to the Learner path. You’ll find a list of Switching questions in your workbook. That list is another of the tools in the QT system.”

Something was nagging at the back of my mind, but I couldn’t quite get hold of it. Then it dawned on me. I remembered asking Grace how she shifted her moods so quickly. I realized she used Switching questions, whether she was aware of it or not.

Joseph was gazing thoughtfully out the window. “Let me tell you a story that illustrates how Switching questions can make a huge difference in performance and results. It’s a true story about my daughter Kelly, who’s an avid gymnast. In college, she was even training for a national championship competition.

“Here’s what happened. During training Kelly would perform quite well most of the time, but only most of the time. Sarah and I knew she’d never make the team that way. She had the ability, but her performance was too erratic.

“So, on her request, we worked with Kelly so she could make the improvement she needed to make the team. First, we asked her what she thought about just before a performance. She discovered that in those crucial moments she always asked just one basic question, Will I fall this time?”

“Which is a Judger question,” I observed.

“Right,” Joseph said, “because it focuses her attention on falling and failing. And asking it led to what my daughter calls Judger trouble. That question really interfered with her performance. So the three of us worked on finding a Switching question she could ask herself to propel her quickly into Learner. The new question was Kelly’s own idea: How can I do a great job? That did the trick. Using that new question, she reprogrammed herself by directing her attention in a positive direction. Her performance improved exponentially and also became highly predictable. Kelly says that new question helps her stay in the zone.”

“Did she make the team?”

“She sure did,” Joseph said. “And, by the way, she came home with a trophy. It wasn’t first place, but I was really proud. I have to confess that 20 years ago, I would have probably chastised her for not taking first place. Oh, I tell you, having children teaches us to ask a whole new set of questions! By the way, you’ll find Kelly’s story in my Question Thinking Hall of Fame.”

“This all sounds like a bit of magic, to me,” I quipped. “Or a miracle.”

“It’s neither magic nor a miracle,” Joseph replied, smiling. “It’s a method. With questions we can even change ourselves physiologically. For example, the worried question What if I get fired? can set off a whole chain of biochemical stress reactions in your body. Kelly’s question Will I fall this time? reminded her of past failures and made her anxious, which interfered with her performance and reinforced any old programming for failure. Consciously, of course, she didn’t want to fail, but that’s exactly what happened anyway with that old question. Thought sets intention. Learner questions program us with a positive intention—in Kelly’s case, for the right attitude—and moves for an outstanding performance.”

“By implication you’re suggesting that Judgers can’t be top performers,” I reflected. “I can’t agree with you there. I’ve known Judger types who produced quite a lot.”

“Be careful about using labels like ‘Judger types.’ There isn’t anybody who’s a Judger person or a Learner person. These terms refer only to mindsets and, as you know by now, every one of us has both mindsets and always will. That’s the conundrum of being human. Labels are just too handy, and that makes them sticky like self-adhesive stamps. On the other hand, our mindsets are dynamic; they can change from moment to moment. The point is that Question Thinking makes us aware of our mindsets and puts us more in charge of making the changes we want. And that’s something we can begin at any moment.

“At the same time, you are absolutely right that many people spend more time in Judger than Learner,” Joseph said. “And they may be quite driven and productive. However, their success often comes with very high costs. People with an overactive Judger can drive themselves and everyone around them nuts, and eventually that lowers productivity, cooperation, and creativity. Not to mention morale! It’s hard to feel loyal to or trust someone who lives in high Judger most of the time. Having an overactive Judger can build resentment and conflict, whether with your family or your colleagues.

“If you want people to be really engaged and involved, Learner is the path to take. An organization led by people in high Judger tends to have greater levels of stress, conflict, and people problems. Those kinds of leaders are not well equipped to be flexible and adaptable—or successful—in meeting challenges. And just imagine the havoc that Judger plays when you take that mindset home with you at night!

“My wife, Sarah, once wrote an article exploring the difference between high Judger marriages and high Learner marriages. Her premise was that our experience of intimate relationships will be very different depending on whether we look on our partner with Learner eyes or Judger eyes. Sarah points out that with Learner eyes we’re able to focus on what we appreciate about the other person and what’s working in our relationship, at least most of the time. We build from strengths rather than dwelling on flaws–our own or our partner’s.”

I nodded, thinking that this made sense.

“When we’re in Judger, whether at home or work, everything can seem like a roadblock, and always somebody else’s fault. There’s no power there. When that happens we need to go back to basic Switching questions, like: Am I in Judger? Will it get me what I really want? Where would I rather be? What am I responsible for here? Pause, take a deep breath, put yourself on the Switching Lane and you can step right onto the Learner path.”

“If what you say is true, I could just stay in Learner by always keeping those questions in mind.”

“Theoretically, yes. But life really isn’t that simple. And not one of us is a saint. We’re all going to fall into Judger from time to time—that’s the point I’m emphasizing when I say we’re all recovering Judgers,” Joseph continued. “But I promise you this—the more you take to heart the Choice Map and Switching questions, the faster you’ll be able to step into Learner, the easier it will be, and the longer you’ll be able to stay there. You’ll also spend less time in Judger, and the experience itself is usually less intense, so the consequences of being there will be minimized.

“And remember,” Joseph continued, “Judger has two faces, one being judgmental toward ourselves, the other being judgmental toward others. The results can look quite different, but they come from that same judgmental, critical place in our thinking.

“If we focus our Judger mindset on ourselves, for example, with questions such as: Why am I such a failure? we hurt our self-confidence and may even feel depressed. On the other hand, when we focus our Judger mindset on others, with questions such as: Why is everyone around me so stupid and frustrating? we tend to get angry, resentful, and hostile. Either way, with Judger, we usually end up in some kind of conflict either with ourselves or with others. When Judger takes control it’s impossible to find genuine connection, resolution, or any sense of peace. That’s why many mediators use the Learner/Judger mindset material with their clients, especially the Choice Map.

“Let me give you an example of Judger when we aim it at ourselves. Years ago, Sarah was talking with Ruth, her editor at one of the magazines she writes for. They were sharing how they had both had issues with managing their weight. Sarah told Ruth how she used the Choice Map to help her feel calmer, be kinder to herself, and make better choices about eating. Ruth got so excited that she asked Sarah to write an article about her experiences.

“In the article, Sarah described how the questions people typically ask themselves about eating either get them in trouble with their weight, self-image, and self-confidence or help them to be successful and content with themselves. The troublemaker questions she listed included: What’s wrong with me? Why am I out of control again? Why am I such a hopeless glutton?”

“Those are all judgmental questions,” I interjected.

“Right. And whenever Sarah started down the Judger Path with questions like those, she really beat herself up, which of course sent her spiraling right down to the Judger Pit. Unfortunately, those Judger meltdowns usually caused her to feel out of control and eat even more. Sometimes that led to real bingeing. Once Sarah recognized the impact those troublemaker Judger questions had on her, she decided to look for Switching questions to rescue herself. She said that Switching questions are the best thing she’s ever found for getting back in control. Her new questions included: What’s really going on with me? Am I willing to forgive myself? And how do I want to feel?”

“Which got her onto the Switching Lane, her shortcut back to Learner,” I said.

“Right again. Once she switched into Learner, she figured out some questions to help her stay there whenever she felt herself going Judger: What will serve me best right now? Am I being honest with myself? What do I really need? What can I do to feel better that doesn’t involve eating? Whenever she asked herself one of these questions she felt empowered rather than out of control. Not only that, she’s gotten herself in great shape. She tells me it’s pretty easy to maintain now.”

Judging by the photos of Sarah on Joseph’s desk, I certainly didn’t think Sarah looked like a woman with weight issues. But all this talk was making me even more uncomfortably aware of how often the questions I asked myself were straight out of Judger mindset.

“From what I’ve seen so far,” Joseph said, in a surprisingly accepting tone of voice, “while you obviously don’t have trouble with your weight, you still have a lot of self-Judger going on.”

“I can’t disagree,” I hedged. “But what’s your basis for saying that?”

“That’s easy,” Joseph said. “Do you remember that time you were so sure I saw you as a Judger and a loser?”

“Yes,” I said, hesitantly, sensing I was stepping into something I would regret.

“That’s the perspective that keeps you bogged down and resigned about being able to change. But while you aim judgmental questions at yourself,” Joseph said, looking straight at me, “you’re also pretty good at targeting other people.”

“I agree I can be pretty hard on myself . . . and on other people.” I began to squirm. “But sometimes people really are jerks and idiots. I know I’m right about that. You’ve got to accept this as a fact of life and exercise good common sense, or good judgment, as you already said.”

Without comment, Joseph directed my attention back to the Choice Map. As I held it in my hand, he leaned forward and pointed at the figure that was starting down the Judger Path. Then he pointed to the thought bubble over his head. It contained just one question, which I read out loud: Whose fault is it?

What jumped into my mind were all the troubles I’d been having at work. I focused on that stark moment of truth when I concluded I was a failure and would have to resign. The shame I felt was just awful. Did Judger have a hand in shame, too? I was certainly in my Judger-head at that moment, having judged myself as a loser. But wasn’t I justified? I couldn’t deny I’d screwed up.

“What’s going through your mind right now?”

I replied with discomfort, “The more we talk, the more I see I’ve got to accept the blame for a lot of what’s happened.”

“Blame,” Joseph said. “Tell me exactly what that word means to you.”

“The bottom line? It means I should step down. I’m the incompetent one here. Period! End of conversation.”

“Back up for a moment. What happens when you change your question from ‘Who’s to blame?’ to ‘What am I responsible for?’”

Those questions did hit me differently but I couldn’t figure out why. “Blame. Responsibility. Aren’t they the same thing?”

“Not at all,” Joseph said. “Blame is Judger. Responsibility is Learner. There’s a world of difference between them. Focusing on blame blinds us from seeing real alternatives and solutions. It’s almost impossible to fix a problem when operating from Judger blame. Blame can be paralyzing. Blame keeps us stuck in the past. Responsibility, on the other hand, paves the path for a better future. If you focus your questions on what you might be responsible for, you also open your mind to new possibilities. You’re free to create alternatives that lead to positive change.”

Blame can be paralyzing? What did he mean by that? I felt an urge to get up, stretch, and walk around. I took a break, went to the bathroom, and splashed some cold water on my face. After I returned, Joseph said, “Remind me about what you said about Charles the other day.”

Ah, back to Charles! Now I knew I was on solid ground. It would be easy to prove to Joseph how good judgment served me in this case, that my feelings about Charles were not just the product of Judger attitudes. “I told you, if it weren’t for Charles I wouldn’t be in such a mess,” I said. “That’s obvious. He’s playing a win-lose game. You’d have to be blind not to see that.”

Without replying, Joseph directed me to turn to my workbook and find the pages labeled Learner/Judger Chart: Mindsets and Relationships. I studied it for a moment, checking out the two columns that listed key characteristics of Learner and Judger. The content of those two columns was very different. It hit me immediately how one way of thinking would take me down the Judger path while the other would pull me up to Learner territory.

“This chart guides us to become much better observers of ourselves.” Joseph said. “It lists Learner and Judger qualities and characteristics to help us to discern where we are at any moment. It’s invaluable for helping us to strengthen our observer self and shift from Judger to Learner. Let’s use it right now to do some exploring. Think about Charles. Then read off any words or phrases that leap to your attention.”

“Reactive and automatic. Know-it-all. Listening for agreement or disagreement. Self-righteous . . .” I stopped. Everything I was reading was in the Judger Mindset column. My jaw tightened. Then I turned to the Learner Mindset column. Only one phrase caught my eye: Values not-knowing. I was puzzled.

“I’m not sure what you mean by values not-knowing,” I said.

“It’s like when someone is doing research,” Joseph explained. “You want to discover something new, which is impossible if you’re attached to the conviction that you already know all the answers. Valuing not-knowing is the basis of learning and all creativity and innovation. It’s the state of mind that’s open to all kinds of new possibilities and even hoping you might be surprised. Instead of defending old opinions or positions or answers, your goal is to look with fresh eyes. Remember Einstein’s words: ‘Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.’ I like to think of this as ‘rational humility,’ a maturity we develop by admitting that it’s impossible to ever have all the answers.”

Rational humility! I liked that. That’s how it felt when I was doing technological research. Beyond that, especially with relationships, I felt like I was in foreign territory. Suddenly, I was confused. Was it Charles or I who was reactive and automatic? Was it Charles or I who was the know-it-all? Who was listening for agreement or disagreement? Who was self-righteous? Who was the big Judger here?

Learner/Judger Mindset* Chart

Judger Mindset	Learner Mindset
Judgmental (of self/others/facts)	Accepting (of self/others/facts)
Reactive and automatic	Responsive and thoughtful
Critical and negative	Appreciative and has humility
Close-minded	Open-minded
Know-it-all, self-righteous	Comfortable with not knowing
Blame oriented	Responsibility oriented
Own point of view only	Takes multiple perspectives
Inflexible and rigid	Flexible/adaptive/creative
Either/or thinking	Both/and thinking
Defends assumptions	Questions assumptions
Mistakes are bad	Mistakes are to learn from
Presumes scarcity	Presumes sufficiency
Possibilities seen as limited	Possibilities seen as unlimited
Primary stance: protective	Primary stance: curious

Learner/Judger Relationships*

Judger Relating	Learner Relating
Win-lose relating	Win-win relating
Dismissive, demeaning	Accepting, empathizing
Advocacy	Inquiry
Separate from self/others	Connected with self/others
Fears differences	Values differences
Feedback considered rejection	Feedback considered worthwhile
Conversation: own agenda	Conversation: collaborative
Conflict: destructive Danger	Conflict: constructive
“Judger ears” listen for:	“Learner ears” listen for:
Agree or disagree	Understanding and facts
What’s wrong re: self and/or others	What’s valuable re: self and/or others
Danger	Possibility
Seeks to attack or is defensive	Possibility
Problem focused Solution focused	Seeks to appreciate/resolve/create

*Both mindsets are normal; each of us has both and always will. With awareness, each of us has the capacity to choose where we relate from in any moment.

Before I could recover from my confusion, Joseph hit me with a new question. “What do you think it costs you to spend so much time in the Judger Pit?”

“Costs me?” I said quietly, looking at Joseph and then at the floor. His question had hit me like a thunderbolt. “I don’t even want to think about the cost to the company for my Judger habits. First of all, I’m getting a pretty good salary, but it’s money down a black hole in terms of what I’m producing. On top of that, I’m starting to suspect that I’ve created a no-win situation that’s brought my whole team down. I dread going to meetings with those people. And the trickle down to other departments we work with . . .well, this isn’t a pretty picture!”

Joseph was nodding, apparently satisfied with my insights. “This is real progress,” he told me. “You’re doing great, Ben.”

“Great? What are you talking about? This is a disaster. Throw me a lifeline, would you? How do I get out of this?”

“I could drag you out,” Joseph said, “but I’m going to give you something even more valuable—tools to get yourself out. I’m a big believer in the ‘teach ‘em to fish’ philosophy. Now, I want you to bring to mind a time when you were in Learner in a work situation. Got the picture? Recall as vividly as you can what that experience was like. If you have trouble remembering, take a look at the Learner side of the chart.”

Right away I recalled my best work at KB Corp, how everything flowed, how I woke up every morning looking forward to going to work. My productivity was high. So was everybody else’s. We were all really engaged. People even said they enjoyed working with me, though the truth is I spent a lot of time alone. I could feel myself smiling at the memory. My work life then couldn’t have been any more different from the nightmare I was experiencing now.

“I just had a thought,” I said. “At KB I didn’t have to deal with people much except to come up with innovative answers to their technological questions. Under those circumstances, it wasn’t such a challenge to stay in Learner.”

“I see what you mean,” Joseph said. “Applying those same principles to your present leadership role might be a challenge. Humans aren’t machines.”

“That’s what my wife keeps telling me,” I said.

We both chuckled.

“So let me see if I understand you correctly,” Joseph said. “With technology problems, your Learner curiosity is natural and easy. You’re really good at that. You have specific questions that help you to step outside yourself to make objective observations, to test your assumptions, and assess what’s going on. In those situations, you understand that whatever you come up with is neither good nor bad—it’s simply information. Thomas Edison was famous for telling people how it took thousands of failures to invent the electric light bulb and that each failure contributed to that final successful solution.

“I’m giving you new tools to take advantage of what you already know how to do. When you can recognize Judger, distinguish it from Learner, and switch to Learner whenever you choose, that’s self-coaching, and you’re well on your way to taking charge of your life—at work and at home.”

Suddenly something clicked for me. I turned my attention to the Choice Map as Joseph spoke and focused on the Switching Lane. “Switching is what makes it possible to change,” I exclaimed. “Switching is where the action is!”

Joseph nodded emphatically. “Yes! You’ve got it!” he exclaimed. “The ability to switch literally puts you in charge of change. Being able to nonjudgmentally observe your own Judger and then ask a Switching question—well, that’s about the most powerful and courageous thing anybody can do for themselves. It’s the operational heart of change, what many people call self-management, or self-regulation. Actually, combining the willingness and the ability to switch leads not only to change, it also makes us able to sustain change, because we’re observing and asking ourselves Learner questions moment by moment by moment. Switching mindsets can literally give us new eyes and new ears.”

Joseph’s enthusiasm was contagious.

“So those hot buttons that once might have triggered our reaction to fight or flee now signal us that we’re in Judger,” I said. “We’re actually transforming triggers into signals. And we reach for a Switching question to reposition ourselves in Learner. We’re pulling our own strings instead of giving that power away to someone else.”

“Exactly,” Joseph said. “Exactly!”

I was eager to learn more, especially the parts about change and sustaining change and how that could improve my results at work. But a glance at the clock told me that today’s meeting was coming to an end.