4

Quieting Ego

Quieting Ego is how we can deliberately work to reduce our reflexive emotional defensiveness; have empathy and open-mindedness; engage in Reflective Listening; and proactively seek other people’s feedback and perspectives to stress-test our own thinking. Quieting Ego is a way of practicing and operationalizing Humility. To quiet our ego is to perceive others and the world without filtering everything through a self-focused lens and to tamp down on negative or self-protective “inner talk” that is driven consciously or subconsciously by our fears and insecurities. Inner talk is part of our story of how we perceive the world. In many cases those perceptions are untrue, and this tendency to self-focus and distort reality negatively affects our behavior, thinking, and ability to relate to and engage with others.

Take a moment to think about your inner talk. We all have fears and insecurities, and we all want to be accepted, appreciated, and loved; however, we differ in the degree and the manner in which we choose to deal with our fears and insecurities. The purpose of quieting that self-focused inner talk is to be more open to perceiving the world as it really is—not as we wish or have rationalized it to be—and this clearer, more open and accurate reception is necessary to be highly proficient at the four SMA Skills.

Mindfulness

We have found that the most effective way to quiet our ego is through practicing mindfulness. Most of us by now are familiar with the term mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn may be credited, at least in part, with making mindfulness part of mainstream medicine thanks to scientifically proven outcomes. In 1979 he founded the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”³ According to a study by the Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, most adults spend only about 50 percent of their time in the present moment.⁴

Quieting Ego through mindfulness results in heightened attention and awareness to experience and reality that is open and receptive without bias or distortion. It’s brutal honesty without the brutality. That sounds simple, but of course achieving nonjudgmental mindfulness is anything but simple. Why? Because, as we’ve already explained, we’re so judgmental by nature. Because our egos get in the way of seeing things objectively. Because we’re too concerned with defending our egos and with evaluating ourselves to just “be” and just “see” clearly. Because we’re prone to thinking and reacting reflexively rather than deliberately. It’s something we humans have been struggling with for centuries. As William James wrote in his renowned Principles of Psychology over a hundred years ago: “Voluntarily bringing back a wandering attention, over and over again, is the very root of judgment, character and will.”⁵

Mindfulness is a state of awareness, but many people associate it with the practice of meditation. Kabat-Zinn helped show that the practice of mindfulness through meditation can help reduce stress and help people cope with pain, illness, and anxiety. Subsequent scientific studies of mindfulness over the last thirty years have shown that practicing it through meditation can change the physical structure of the brain and improve cognitive functioning directly by increasing working memory and attention and indirectly by helping us regulate emotions and reduce stress and anxiety.⁶

Another recent study of 327 undergraduates found that those who rated higher for mindfulness on the Mindful Attention Awareness Scale also had more resilience as rated by the Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale.⁷ In other words, people who are better able to stay focused on the present moment in a nonjudgmental way are also better able to cope with difficult thoughts and emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down (emotionally). That means mindfulness is associated with better management of uncertainty and challenge and bouncing back from failures and setbacks, all of which is crucial for innovation in the SMA.

Mindfulness meditation in practice

Meditation is one way to improve mindfulness, to quiet our egos, and to behave with humility, but we’re not just talking about the kind of rigorous, daily meditation practices of the monks. One study showed improvements on cognitive testing from participants after only four days of training in mindfulness exercises for twenty minutes a day. Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness meditation program is now widely used in health centers throughout the world. There are different kinds of meditation practice. All involve putting yourself in a relaxed position and focusing your attention on one thing. That one thing can be your breath, your body, a part of your body, or positive feelings such as loving kindness, gratitude, or compassion. And when your mind does its usual thing of bringing stuff into your consciousness, you experience it in a detached way and return your focus to the breath or your body, and so forth. Eventually you train yourself to control what you attend to, and you learn not to self-identify with all your thoughts or feelings.

Over time you begin to learn that you have an ability to choose whether to let the interrupting thoughts and feelings hijack your focused attention. The practice of mindfulness lets thoughts just pass through our mind. We do not have to identify with them or believe every one. We do not have to automatically practice “self-ing”—our tendency to put ourselves and our thoughts and feelings first. That choice is so powerful when it applies to opening up our minds to disconfirming data, to listening reflectively, and to emotionally connecting and relating to others. That choice is important when our mind wanders in important collaborations and when we start becoming defensive in response to feedback or anxious about failing. Mark Williams, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Oxford and a well-known expert in this area, defined mindfulness this way in his book with Danny Penman, Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World:

You come to realize that thoughts come and go of their own accord; that you are not your thoughts. You can watch as they appear in your mind, seemingly from thin air, and watch again as they disappear, like soap bubbles bursting. You come to the profound understanding that thoughts and feelings (including negative ones) are transient. They come and go, and ultimately, you have a choice about whether to act on them or not.⁸

Williams believes that mindfulness takes us out of our dominant analytical “doing” mode and puts us in a “being” mode, experiencing what is in front of us with clarity. Visualize how this would work when you’re listening to someone by just “being” in the listening mode without your mind judging or creating a response to what the other person is saying. How about when working with a team trying to be innovative or when solving a problem or creating something? What would it be like to just focus on “being” fully present with an open, uncluttered mind during brainstorming, exploring alternatives, or engaging with customers? Just “being” and trying to sense reality clearly is much different than “doing” with a personal agenda.

“In mindfulness, we start to see the world as it is, not as we expect it to be, how we want it to be, or what we fear it might become,” says Williams. Mindfulness teaches us how to slow down our automaticity—our reflexive way of trying to quickly interpret input so it fits with our existing beliefs. Mindfulness practice is intended to develop cognitive clarity and reduce our habitual way of confirmatory thinking that tries to make things fit cohesively into our mental models and our egocentricity.

Mindfulness is a way of “being good at not knowing,” or having what Kabat-Zinn refers to as a “beginner’s mind,” which means being open-minded even if one has ideas, opinions, or expertise. Isn’t that our goal? Doesn’t critical thinking require us to see things as they really are? Doesn’t innovative thinking and creativity require us to see things we don’t usually see? In addition to thoughts, Quieting Ego through mindfulness also gives us the ability to view feelings as transient and let them pass rather than cling to them. It can help us slow down our inner machine (heart rate, pulse, and breathing) so that we can be more calm and attentive in a way that we can see the world without stress, anxiety, and automatically judging or being defensive. The scientific research on mindfulness shows that the practice of mindfulness meditation can help you do the following:⁹

1. Enhance your ability to regulate your attention.

2. Enhance your awareness of subtle body activities.

3. Regulate your emotions.

4. Be less self-absorbed and self-centered.

5. Reduce emotional defensiveness and self-identification.

6. Improve immune function.

7. Increase positive emotions and decrease negative emotions.

8. Reduce reactivity to inner experiences.

9. Enhance sensory awareness without judgment.

10. Enhance cognitive functioning.

11. Decrease heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate.

12. Be calm.

13. Reduce activity in the amygdala—the area of the brain. involved in responding to emotional stimuli (e.g., anxiety and fear).

I (Ed) began my exploration of mindfulness meditation in 2011, when it was getting some press in the business world. I had read about meditation several times before then, and I found Eastern philosophy quite interesting. But I hadn’t tried it. I had an image of someone sitting in an uncomfortable position on a pillow chanting meaningless words. I was not open-minded about it.

It was Ray Dalio who inspired me to take a harder look at mindfulness meditation in 2013. He believed that meditation was foundational to his approach to life and how he conducted his business. Dalio himself has said that the Beatles’ trips to India inspired him to begin trying meditation in his early adult years. Today he meditates at least twenty minutes a day, unless, as he has said publicly, it’s going to be a tough day, in which case he meditates for forty minutes. The more I studied Bridgewater Associates, the more convinced I became that Dalio designed its culture and processes based on the science of learning and that he was trying to help his people mitigate ego and fear. He was doing things based on science. He was a thoughtful person. He had a quiet ego.

I had learned from doing research inside successful companies that one has to be on guard against people who talk a good game—they may say it, but they don’t behave it. So I have trained myself to approach successful business leaders with skepticism and to be on guard against being sold a bill of goods. I had personal phone calls with Dalio; I watched hours of his work conversations on film (recall that all meetings at Bridgewater are recorded); and over a two-day visit to the company, I spent time with him personally and observed how he behaved with others in various Bridgewater meetings. I became convinced that Dalio was real, that he “walked the talk,” and that he lived what he wrote in his Principles. He spoke so highly of meditation’s positive effects that I made a choice to give it a try.

I started with Kabat-Zinn’s book Mindfulness for Beginners and a CD of his that Lili Powell, a friend and colleague who practices and teaches mindfulness, gave me. I struggled until I found the right position, which for me was lying down on my exercise mat. I focused on my breathing and was bombarded with a stream of thoughts, including my mind critiquing my meditation performance. If I turned my attention to some thought that popped up, then my mind started kicking me in my butt, telling me that I wasn’t supposed to do that while meditating. My mind was doing what our minds do well—dominating us with chatter.

I was impatient in that I erroneously thought that the parade of thoughts in my head would stop easily or quickly. I was missing something. So I did some more research and found Mark Williams’s book, with a foreword by Kabat-Zinn. Williams had an eight-week plan. At that stage of my practice, I spent too much time on each thought before controlling my attention by returning my focus to my breath. I learned that what I was experiencing was normal for a beginner and that it takes a lot of practice to reach the point of having periods of stillness in your mind.

So I learned the drill: be aware of the uninvited thought … tell it to move on like a soap bubble … and intentionally return my focus to my breathing. In the beginning I did that for five minutes a day. That was my limit. But I kept with it, and after some time I moved up to ten minutes per day. I also experimented with focusing on my body—doing a body scan starting with my toes and going slowly up my body. And I tried to focus on my heartbeat. I had not read that anywhere, but for some reason it seemed right. Focusing on my heartbeat led me to the next stage.

One morning about two months into the practice, I focused on my heartbeat, and after becoming still and quiet, I felt it for the first time, pulsing in one of my teeth. I know it sounds weird, but the clarity and intensity of my focus and the stillness of my mind made it feel like my heart was beating inside that tooth. That was a breakthrough for me because it was my longest period of having a quiet mind up until that point. It was really quite cool. That motivated me to keep going. From a minimum of ten minutes, I edged it up slowly until I reached fifteen minutes a day. Then things got really interesting. I found that the stillness of my mind increased. Yes, my thoughts would interrupt my stillness, but I had learned to make them “move on” and return to my focus, decreasing the time I spent on each thought. I didn’t let them take over my session. I didn’t engage with them. And as I did that over time, those interfering thoughts became like soap bubbles floating away quickly.

After a year, I started experiencing something else remarkable. After a good session, I always stretch and sit on my mat with legs crossed and bent over so my stomach crunches. Several times when I finished that exercise I would have a new idea pop into my head out of nowhere that solved a problem I was working on: a new way to teach, a new idea for an article, or simply a new mental connection. These new ideas still just happen every once in a while, which for me is the icing on the cake.

I am now up to practicing mindfulness for about thirty minutes a day. I have also adopted a program of doing minisessions for two or three minutes or so during the day, if I feel like my mind and body are going too fast. That took a while to perfect, but now I can calm myself pretty well in a minisession, which I do if I’m going to a meeting that may be stressful or contentious or in which there will be lots of people who are self-centered and competing for airtime.

Through all of this I learned that I have a choice as to whether I let my thoughts or emotions define or control me. Either I can just let them pass and not engage with them, or I can decide to engage. Previously, I always engaged. I have learned that stillness in your mind opens you up to really being present. I have also learned that stillness in my mind doesn’t mean my unconscious mind isn’t working, because after stillness, new stuff pops into my mind that is for me creative or innovative thinking. It has materially lowered my heart rate and made me more aware of what’s going in my body, making me more sensitive to becoming emotionally defensive or hyperreactive. I’m calmer in general and in a different place now.

Mindfulness meditation more than anything I have done has quieted my ego and allowed me to embrace Humility, and that has helped me become a better thinker, listener, relator, and collaborator. Mindfulness meditation has slowed me down, allowing me to be calmly present when I talk to people, and that has led to better meetings and results. It has made me appreciate the power of slowing down in a world where everyone is trying to do more and more faster and faster with fewer and fewer resources. I know it sounds crazy, but for me slowing down has made me more productive because when I’m engaged, I’m more fully engaged. I find myself getting into a state of “flow” more often with tasks or conversation. I’m now very sensitive to my heart rate, to the speed of my breathing, to my body temperature, and to the pace of thoughts going through my mind. When I get going too fast, I make mistakes and I revert back to a more inner focus—a big me orientation—that results in higher emotional reactivity, an inclination to defend myself, and more closed-mindedness.

I’m grateful to Ray Dalio for helping me begin my mindfulness meditation journey. It has been transformative for me. It has helped me quiet my ego. The science is clear about its benefits, and my personal experience confirms that. I invite you to consider it. Thank you, Ray.

Daily Quieting Ego reminders

Practicing meditation can help make mindfulness more of a habit, but there are other ways you can choose to quiet your ego on the spot. I (Ed) decided that I required a daily reminder to be aware of the need to quiet my ego and be more “other” focused. I woke up one morning with the idea that I would sign all my emails as “ed,” not “Ed.” A small step, but it had meaning for me. To me, it was my way to accept the mediocrity principle that we discussed in chapter 3. I’m just one of the billions of humans on this planet, and I’m not worthy of being a legend in my own mind. It was my way to remind myself many times a day that “it’s not all about me” and that I’m just a little player in a big world. I am little “ed,” not big “Ed.” I expect that some of you may think that this is weird. I’m not advocating that you copy me. You may find your own Quieting Ego reminders.

In the beginning, signing my name “ed” had another, unexpected impact. It caused me to reread my emails to check for tone, whether I had been a positive force and whether I tried to connect and relate to the person I was writing to before I took positions or got into a “telling” mode right off the bat. Did I use a greeting and address the person by name? Did I try to leave people in a good place? I continue those practices today. That small step slows me down to focus on the messages I’m sending, not just the words. It helps keep me from being on autopilot. It also reflects the communication research done by Jane Dutton, a professor of business administration and psychology at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business. Dutton’s research shows that more than 85 percent of a message we communicate to others is conveyed not in the words but in the tone and manner in which they are delivered.

Another daily step I began taking before meetings was to pause, take a few deep breaths to calm myself, and then say to myself several times: “I am not my ideas”; “My mental models are not reality”; and “This is not all about me.” Now I try to be in a good place at the start of every meeting. I strive to be present with an open mind and to really listen to others. And I started grading myself after each meeting by mentally replaying the meeting, with the goal of becoming more aware of how I felt at those times when I did become defensive or too argumentative, or I stopped listening. I’m looking for triggers such as my pulse beating faster or my face feeling warmer or my body tensing up or my leaning forward toward the speaker—getting ready to “attack.” That has helped me.

I have to be honest with you. It felt awkward, at first, to write about myself in the context of Quieting Ego. I had serious reservations. I decided to do it because over the last few years so many people expressed appreciation for my vulnerability in talking about personal challenges in my last book and in my consulting workshops. I’m being vulnerable here too … trying not to listen to my inner talk that wonders whether you’ll like me or whether you’ll think that I’m an arrogant person. I have rejected those insecurities and fears because I know deep down that my reason for detailing my personal story is to share my experience and to invite you to consider the science of Quieting Ego through mindfulness meditation and daily reminders that you choose. It still feels weird, but I reminded myself during every draft of this book that I’m not my feelings. I have a choice as to whether they dictate my behavior.

Practicing gratitude

Another way to practice Quieting Ego is through gratitude. Studies of gratitude have discovered wide-ranging physical and psychological benefits associated with it, including immune system improvement, lower blood pressure, increased and longer-lasting positivity, and decreased stress, anxiety, and depression. A more recent study showed that gratitude and Humility are mutually reinforcing.¹⁰ You can see how taking the time to thank others for helping you or making your life better or easier is important because it requires you to focus on the value of others. Gratitude can open us up to “otherness”—being less inner-focused and more open to others—but just like mindfulness meditation, you have to practice it.

You can practice gratitude by regularly writing down or pausing to reflect on what you’re thankful for in a daily physical or mental journal. You can also practice gratitude by asking people if they’re in a good place after a meeting or thanking them for a good meeting and for their generosity in giving time to you.

Think about someone who has had a big positive impact on your life. How does thinking about them make you feel? Does it help you feel that “it’s not all about me”?

Note that for purposes of Quieting Ego through practicing gratitude, we aren’t just talking about pausing to reflect on how good you have it. That may lead to more positivity and happiness, as research suggests it does, but it’s also self-focused, or the “selfish side of gratitude,” as Barbara Ehrenreich points out in a New York Times op-ed.¹¹ Putting the focus instead on how valuable and helpful others are to you—thanking them verbally or in writing—has the further effect of helping us adopt an appreciation of the importance of others in our life, which can not only increase our sense of well-being but also, and more important for thriving in the SMA, lessen our self-absorption and quiet our egos, thus improving our thinking, learning, and relationship building.