CHAPTER 2

The “F” Word

If you are squeamish or very proper, no worries about where we’re going with this. The four-letter word I want to talk with you about is fear. Yes, my friend, fear. It’s a close companion in many situations, invited or not.

Fear can be a good thing, offering a layer of protection from some unknown possible future event. It’s what you might term “rational fear.” Fear of skin cancer leading to the frequent application of sunscreen and periodic visits to the dermatologist makes perfect sense. However, fear can also be an insurmountable irrational wall that keeps you apart from your true desires. Think the girl/boy you were afraid to call in high school, the job you didn’t apply for, the dream you dismissed as fanciful.

What beliefs keep us locked in place, unwilling or unable to rub too closely to the walls of our comfort zone? For some, a fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, or just the endless loop of beliefs that we are not up to the task keeps us locked in place.

There is a way past the fear, a way past the limiting beliefs to something more satisfying and real. It begins with excavating the root of these self-imposed limitations. It does take a level of courage to break the pattern of behavior to break through that wall of comfort. Hey, what’s the worst-case scenario? When it comes to a broken or unsatisfying money life, do you have anything to lose except the misery?

I stood at the edge of the zip line platform, looking at the strand of wire that extended over a ravine to a platform several football fields away. My heart was pounding into my temples, my mouth was dry, and sweat was pouring off me. Was I really going to strap a harness on myself and clip it to a pencil-thin metal cable and leap off? There was no part of my consciousness that felt this was rational. But then I thought to myself, “If not now, when?” I watched fearless children fly across the void, laughing loudly. Some even clipped in “Superman” style (aka belly down). I admit I was horrified. But I asked myself, “Would all these parents send their progeny soaring across a canyon if they didn’t think it was completely safe?” Maybe they knew something I didn’t. Oh yes, I knew fear. But I did it anyway.

The fear gamut runs from spiders to social workers; from stepping on a crack to being in a room without a light. Most of it is irrational—except for the spiders, of course—but that doesn’t make fear any less intimidating. (Think of irrational fear as a belief that is tethered to something powerful that you have taken as truth.)

When it comes to your money life, fear plays a prominent role in your behaviors and beliefs. Here are two big ones: the fear of outliving your resources and the fear of being perceived as unsuccessful.

Figuring Out the Source of Your Fear

There are tons of books and studies on fear: fear of success, fear of failure and the various demons that prevent your forward progress, and books that offer paths to more productive possibilities. Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert, Rising Strong by Brené Brown, and Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Naht Hahn, are just a few.

In order to get your financial life in order, you need a clear understanding of what obstacles exist for you and from where they originated. We know that your money fears often stem from how you were imprinted with the idea of money when you were young. Here’s the thing: Everyone has a money imprint—what you believe about money today that you carried with you from your earliest experiences. Understanding your money imprint will position you to focus on messages that don’t serve you well today. Use Worksheet 2-1 to take a look at your earliest associations with money, so that you can better understand not only your core beliefs but also how they developed.

WORKSHEET 2-1: YOUR MONEY IMPRINT

1.   What is your earliest memory of money? (What do you remember hearing or experiencing about money?)

2.   As a child, what was the most important lesson you learned about money? (Examples: “If you got it, flaunt it.” “Save for a rainy day.”)

3.   Growing up in your family, how was money used? Was it to reward, punish, survive, impress, control, help others, have fun, buy love, reach goals, or something else?

4.   What are the one-sentence messages about money that have stuck with you from your childhood? Where did you hear these messages?

5.   When you were young, did you consider your family to be rich, poor, or somewhere in between—or was it not present in your consciousness?

6.   What were you taught about money when you were growing up and by whom?

7.   What were the spending/savings patterns of your mother? Your father?

8.   In your family, was money a source of conflict? A tool for achieving goals?

9.   Are there any “a-ha!” moments as you review your responses? Write them here.

Remember: What you believe becomes your idea of normal. If you grew up believing that it is important to save for a rainy day, then that is the action that will feel right, normal, and proper. Anything that deviates from that will feel unnatural and wrong. It’s your normal.

If you grew up with money as the source of arguments, then the mere mention of money can cause that sick, queasy feeling in your stomach. It brings you back to your early memories of screaming matches over money. It’s your normal. Can you connect the dots between your past and your present?

So how do you separate your “normal” that supports your success from the unsupportive or downright destructive?

Is Your Fear Your Friend or Your Foe?

“Friendly” fear is pretty darned rational and one that can spur you to make good, meaningful, and forward-thinking decisions. Think fear associated with being dependent on your children for survival. That friendly fear leads to a habit of savings, keeping expenses in check, and being mindful of the consequences of not acting in your own best interest. If you lived through times when resources were scarce, you probably have created a money mindset that safeguards against a reoccurrence. If you use the fear of outliving your resources as a significant driver in your belief system, you’ll save money. You’ll invest it, protect it, and make spending decisions in the context of your “fear factor.” The idea of outliving your resources is so discomforting that planning and preparing become as natural as breathing.

But the unfriendly version can do exactly the opposite: It can drive decisions that ensure painful outcomes. Fear becomes the enemy when things such as fear of others’ judgment or fear of being perceived as unsuccessful drives your spending decisions. In my early career, I was a practicing CPA, and besides working for a firm, I was moonlighting doing tax returns for extra money. I was referred to someone who asked me to come to their home to do their taxes. I pulled up to this magnificent home in a gorgeous neighborhood. Walking up the front steps, I was prepared to enter this lavish abode, feeling very good about my luck to acquire this wealthy new client. I was greeted at the door and brought into a virtually empty house, with lawn furniture in the living room and folding chairs around an aluminum table. During the conversation, I discovered that while this couple was “thrilled” to be living in this amazing home, they were drowning in debt and could barely make ends meet. This was an example of a poor financial decision made by the desire to be perceived as successful. Their money misery was further aggravated by the large tax bill due. It was not a happy experience for anyone.

If you fear being perceived poorly by your friends, family, and community, you’ll make decisions that channel your money into things that scream “success”: the car you drive, the house you buy (or rent), the clothes you wear, and so forth. Fear that you can’t keep up with your peers, colleagues, relatives, or neighbors will lead to a desperation that can only lead to failure. A perfect example landed in our office in the form of someone who lived in a very expensive area and had very successful friends. In order to “keep up,” he stopped paying his estimated taxes and then stopped filing returns, knowing he had spent the tax. He was caught in a downward spiral from which he couldn’t extricate himself. He was too proud to admit he was not in the same financial league as his friends, so he kept up the cycle of tax evasion—until … let’s just say, the outcome was not positive for anyone. He had more fear of the perception of others than the fear of being caught by the IRS. Needless to say, his money mindset came from somewhere, and it did not support either his success or a peaceful night’s sleep.

We know there are negative money messages and positive ones. The negative ones are easy, and it usually begins with a lack—lack of sound financial knowledge and lack of self-esteem.

And yet sometimes, you can take a positive money mindset in a direction that becomes negative. Let’s say you have a fear of outliving your resources. If you become a rational saver, you enhance your chances of having a comfortable retirement. But if you take that money message to an extreme and become miserly, your life quickly spins out of balance. Why would anyone sacrifice their life to the extreme so that when they are older, they can feel more comfortable? When fear turns something positive—saving for the future—into a manic inability to enjoy some of the bounty in the present, misery ensues.

Your experiences growing up have been built into your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors—and ultimately developed into your money mindset. It is your normal. And if your normal has created chaos, unhappiness, and financial misery, then it might be time to examine it, test it, and work toward changes that bring you true happiness.

Getting Control Over Your Fear

While you can’t alter or erase your experiences, you can remodel and reshape the behaviors that came from those experiences. You can create a new mindset that affirms your success. It’s a matter of defining your pain threshold. Does continuing your current beliefs and behaviors create more pain than the challenge of making changes?

Think about the cycle of someone who employs the concept of retail therapy as a result of some stress, anxiety, or disappointment:

They have a “need” to buy something to make them feel better about themselves.

They succumb to the need, even though they know that they will have to find the money to pay for it—eventually.

The purchase is made—the credit card is hit.

A moment of satisfaction—the itch has been scratched.

The credit card comes in—misery and worry follow close behind.

They buy something else to take their mind off the worry.

This cycle continues: Credit cards get maxed out, bill collectors call, and the overspender buys more. The hole just gets deeper. Something has to give. The misery cycle continues.

But there are great ideas, paths, and money messages to support you and move you out of the pattern of fear-based failure to something much more satisfying. Let me help. Here are some favorable money messages that can work for you to build a successful financial life:

Pay yourself first.

Save for a rainy day.

Money is used to provide security.

Money is used to help those less fortunate.

Don’t buy anything that you cannot afford to pay for.

Waste not, want not.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Money cannot buy happiness.

Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Money provides options and opportunity

And here are some that tend to work against you when building financial security:

Money is the root of all evil.

Never let anyone think you don’t have money.

He who dies with the most toys wins.

You can always make more money.

You can never have enough money.

Without money you are nothing.

God will provide.

If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Lack of money means lack of friends.

Life is a game, and money is how you keep score.

See how these beliefs can skew your actions and attitudes? Positive money messages are affirming and supportive, and help maintain a compass point that puts life and money in a more balanced perspective.

Athough it is vital to face up to your financial reality, it is not necessary, helpful, or healthy to do so while carrying around the fear and guilt associated with that burden. This emotional overload can blind you to the fact that there is always a solution. It can debilitate your ability to find clarity and move to a better place.

Laboring under debt can feel like a very real, physical burden. I have watched people walk into my office literally loaded down with debt, like Marley’s ghost, dragging heavy chains wherever they go. You can see it in their defeated demeanor.

Change is challenging. But remaining in the same situation is tougher. So here’s your next assignment: You have the proven ability to make changes in your life when they’ve needed to be made. Use Worksheet 2-2 to tap into those experiences, which can serve as fuel for your Feel Rich Project.

I want you to begin to excavate experiences that were successful as a model of what is possible. As you work through these questions, think about what fears you have overcome and what obstacles you worked through in your journey. It doesn’t matter if the experience was from 40 years ago or last week; find a success that was yours.

WORKSHEET 2-2: YOUR TRACK RECORD

Think back to a time when either money was not a problem or you successfully made a change (not necessarily regarding money). Have it firmly in mind? Now answer a few questions about that experience.

1.   How did you make the change?

2.   How did you feel when the obstacle was overcome?

3.   What habits did you put in place that made change possible?

4.   What did you believe about yourself as a result of your success?

5.   What you believe becomes your reality. What did you learn you are capable of?

Wow, great work! Understanding your money imprint—and how it plays out in your life—is huge. We all have fears and we all have overcome challenges. The question is whether you can see how your fears work for or against you, and where they work to your detriment, how you can substitute another reality—a better reality—to create a much more satisfying outcome.

In the next chapter we’ll explore how you define happiness, and the role your values and the people in your life play in getting you there.