CHAPTER 3

Happiness Is Personal and So Are Your Values

There are books and articles galore on happiness and values: Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness, Dan Harris’s 10% Happier, Jessica Virne’s Happiness Lessons from the Dalai Lama, Hyrum W. Smith’s What Matters Most: The Power of Living Your Values, and Marc Allen Schelske’s Discovering Your Authentic Core Values, just to name a few. These resources approach the topic from myriad angles and ideas—all worthy efforts to help point you in a direction toward the positive aspects of a life that’s filled with challenges and obstacles.

The gist of all these books on happiness is pretty much the same, though: Our happiness is found through intentionally and with awareness living those values that money cannot buy. We know what happiness is when we feel it; the challenge is creating an intentional path focused on what we value. The idea is that intentional path is created with, as Stephen Covey says, the end in mind. Think of it as an “if/then” mindset. If I do this, then I get that. If your end in mind is built on what you care most about—your values—then the decisions to be made become clearer and more focused. For example, if I wish to protect my family financially, in case I die before I finish accumulating, then I need to buy life insurance. The idea of a premature death doesn’t sound happy, but making sure my family is protected is aligned with my values.

Happiness can either be a Pop Rocks experience that arrives with a bang and dissipates into nothing, or it can be sustaining and long lived, like the feeling of watching your happy children at play or mastering a valued skill. For many people, buying something new provides a certain good feeling; they might call it happy. But if the result of the purchase places them in financial jeopardy or further away from what they care most about, then the happiness fades away really quickly. The thrill is gone, replaced by something much less satisfying.

Achieving a life filled with happiness isn’t easy, but it’s well worth the effort. Though we could quibble about the idea of happiness, feel free to replace or supplement the word satisfaction or other word that best describes how you feel. In other words, we know there are challenges, problems, and difficult unexpected transitions to overcome, but as long as we are guided by the principles of our values, we can say our happiness level is pretty darn high.

This chapter will call on you for some pretty deep thinking and a whole lot of honesty. You might find yourself resisting some of the concepts of the assignments. I want you to find the internal resources to walk with me on this part of the journey. It is the foundation of what we’re trying to accomplish together. The ideas are to identify your values, understand your beliefs about your life and your money, and begin to map out a better iteration of the life you want and for which you are willing to create shifts in your thoughts and actions. The goal is your peace of mind fueled by your values, resulting in your happiness. Let’s begin.

Thinking About Your Values

Values are the cornerstone of your beliefs. Your values might be centered on your family, your friends, your education, how you treat others, or how you wish to be treated. For example, someone who values their environment will not open the car window and toss out a bag of trash. Someone who values the environment will recycle, conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and be mindful of their actions to best support the well-being of the planet. Someone who values their financial security will make sure they save money actively. They will not consume beyond their ability to sustain a savings plan that makes them feel that they are moving in the right direction. A person who values their health will make sure to act in a way that supports that value: exercise, whole foods, appropriate rest, regular checkups with their physician. The idea is to match the appropriate action with your belief.

Think about what you value. (Yes, it’s time for you to get out your notebook or blank page on your computer or tablet.) Using the topics that follow as a guide to get you started, think about your values and what they mean to you. Remember to, as Simon Sinek wrote, “start with why”:

•   Health

•   Family

•   Financial security

•   Accomplishment

•   Community

•   Spirituality (however you define it)

Note: Make sure you understand the difference between a want and a need in this exercise. We start using “I want” with our first words. Have you ever heard a youngster in the store with their parent? It’s often a constant stream of “I want….” Many of us reach adulthood with the same bell clanging in their brains: “I want—I want—I want!” Maybe it’s the child part of us that still connects to the idea of “I see—I want.” The movies, media, and constant parade of opulence and things rubs up against that part of our brains that craves that “sweet,” too. But it isn’t a need, and it certainly isn’t a value. Needs, on the other hand, must be met; otherwise, we are merely in survival mode. Needs are essential and are therefore valued.

Examining the Connection Between Values and Needs

Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? I could devote a chapter explaining Maslow’s theory, but instead I will leave it up to you to read more. There are copious sources from Wikipedia to Maslow’s book, Hierarchy of Needs: The Theory of Human Motivation. Maslow created a pyramid that begins with a base level of physiological needs (air and water). It then moves up to safety, to love/belonging, to esteem, and finally to self-actualization (the highest point in the progression). The point is, in order for us to grow beyond our current state, we must improve our ability to live closer to our values. In order to move closer, we need to build upon a foundation of appropriately aligned beliefs, behaviors, and habits.

Let me introduce you to Ben. He has more money than he could ever spend in two lifetimes. Yet, he is miserable, is significantly overweight, has had more than one heart-related “event,” and sees everyone else’s folly who doesn’t act as he does. Ben wouldn’t spend a dime until he researched every purchase, regardless of how trivial, and then proceeded to try to bargain down the price with the seller, as if it were his last penny. I’ve experienced this several times and each time, I feel so uneasy that being with him has become excruciating. His feeling around financial security is played out by his behavior. His story is not unlike many I have worked with; losing a parent at a young age created financial stress during his formative years. He will never feel the security that actually exists in his life unless he examines his beliefs and understands his values. The balance of his net worth does not create joy or balance in his life. It’s safe to say that Ben has an irrational belief that everyone is out to screw him and that he is smarter than everyone else by his willingness to go toe-to-toe over pennies. What does he value? The coins in his pocket outweigh his health in his hierarchy of his needs—or, at least, his actions seem to indicate just that.

Going Deeper to Determine True Wants and Needs

If we are to believe Abraham Maslow, our values begin in our feeling of safety for our families and ourselves. However, safety is just the second step on the ladder to self-actualization. A deeper dive into our values and beliefs is necessary in order to define what we truly want and need, which rises to high levels of personal development and awareness such as love and belonging and self-esteem. Note: Self-esteem is not derived from possessions, but measured by that inner feeling that comes from living one’s values.

Before diving into the next worksheet, take a minute to focus on the connection between these ideas of “needs” with your values. The problem occurs when there is a disconnect between those two concepts, as there will be an obstacle to understand and overcome. For example, someone with low self-esteem might surround themselves with “things” as an outward display of their achievement. Conversely, someone with high levels of self-esteem may have no need to prove anything to anyone. A lack of safety, a lack of love and belonging, along with self-esteem, all provide ample opportunity to create havoc in trying to achieve their true values.

Worksheet 3-1 gives you the opportunity to look at some of these areas and test your beliefs. Ready to get to work? Take all the time you need to complete this worksheet. This is important.

WORKSHEET 3-1: HOW ARE YOUR VALUES AND BELIEFS WORKING OUT?

The first step is to set up or copy the template on pages 71–72.

1.   First, list your values in the left hand column (for example, your family, your health, your financial security, sense of community, well-being, work, etc.). Don’t stop with my examples. Add everything, in the broadest sense, that you value.

2.   Now the hard part: What do you believe about each item on your values list? (Note: This self-assessment is big work. It might be something you’ve never thought about before.)

3.   Next, complete your whys.

4.   Finally, consider whether those beliefs are working for you or against your highest needs (your values).

Use the examples as a starting point. Remember: The objective here is to gain more insight on whether you are clearly focusing on your values, and whether your beliefs and behaviors are in harmony with what you really care most about.

You see, it’s not so difficult. It simply demands your honesty, even if it’s painful. Writing painful experiences is important. It takes it out of your head and heart, and puts it in black and white on the page. The difficult parts of life are real. A spoonful of sugar might help the medicine go down, but the reason for the medicine still exists.

Great work. You might need a break after this exercise—time to integrate what you wrote and how you feel about what you learned. Take a walk, go for a run, take a shower, listen to music, do some yoga—whatever will support you after this profound excavation. When you’re ready, you can come back to tackle the last exercise in this chapter.

Mapping Out Your New Path

Children have a wonderful ability to enter the world of fantasy, to create a world with their imagination. The world is created, entered, and explored in these tiny wonderful minds. Then we grow up and are taught to keep our feet on the ground and our heads in the present. “Stop daydreaming!”

You are now invited to start daydreaming and reenter the world that was thought to be a waste of time and childish. Your willingness to walk this path of your imagination is an important step in your journey to consider other possibilities. Although you won’t earn frequent-flyer miles, at least you don’t have to stand in line at security, and there are no bags to pack or carry. In fact, the object is to unpack the bags you’ve been toting around for far too long. But feel free to take your shoes off.

Your assignment is to imagine a life where:

•   Your values reside in the forefront of your thoughts and actions.

•   Your happiness is derived from living according to those stated values.

•   The experiences that created your current situation no longer control your beliefs and behaviors.

•   You can rewrite your script to a new reality.

Ask yourself questions like:

•   What would my life be if ________ (my health was not a problem, money was not a problem, etc.)?

•   Who could I be if ________?

•   What could I do if ________?

Once you have pondered these questions, create a mind map of possibilities. What’s a mind map, you ask? Glad you asked.

A mind map is basically a diagram used to visually organize information. It is usually created around a central concept drawn in the middle of the page with major ideas branching out from there. Each branch is then fleshed out with more and more detail and information pertaining to each new branch.

Mind mapping can be done on the back of an envelope or with readily available software programs. You can stand in front of an easel or white board and draw to your heart’s content. The objective is to make it a living and growing document that accounts for information known and unknown and can be added to or modified as your thoughts and knowledge change. Want to give it a try? Begin with your central theme—say, “Feel Rich”—and begin drawing lines to ideas that create a new reality. For example, from your central box, you might draw a line to a bubble that says “Debt-Free.” From that bubble, you might create ideas to get you to that state—the to-dos or actions associated with moving toward your goal. The key is getting all your thoughts from your vision to the paper. Make it as detailed as possible and as real as possible.

Another bubble might be “Saving for Retirement.” From there you might list, how much, where, why, and so forth. Get to the details.

You might also have bubbles that talk about college savings, saving to buy a house, or funds to help others. You are the artist and you get to use whatever colors you want to make it beautiful and real. Your map can be linear, be colorful, use pictures or drawings, or just be boxes and lines. Try to have fun with it and remember: Keep adding as the ideas pop into your mind.

You’ve done great work. Here are some takeaway thoughts. Your mind map is never finished; it is a constant work-in-progress. You get to refine, alter, and change it as your vision changes and has more clarity.

A word on clarity: Think of a mountain you can see in the distance. It might look like a carpet of green encapsulates the entire landscape. As you get closer, you begin to see that there are patches of open spaces—rocky outcropping among the trees. As you get even closer, you might see the individual trees, trails, and perhaps a small stream spilling over a rock or a few deer noshing on berries. The closer you get, the picture goes from macro to micro.

Magic happens when you get a grand view, from a distance, and then get down into the details as you are able to get closer and closer to the reality. That’s what makes this journey so unique: Your viewpoint of where you are, where you came from, what you believe, why you believe it, whether or not it works for your ultimate goals (of safety) and what you need to do to make changes are all there for you to work with and work through.

As you gain clarity, you have a greater ability to ask questions and drill down on issues that rise in order of importance. Your clarity provides you with the opportunity to ask a lot of “what if?” questions. For example, money issues might nudge you toward working with a planner, or family issues might present a need to consult with a psychologist or therapist. You don’t need to walk this trail alone; there is help out there to help support you.

Okay, take a break. You’ve earned it. In Chapter 4 we will sharpen your picture of safety and investigate your “pillow factor.” Great work!