4
High but Far

The dictionary is the only place that success comes before work.

—VINCE LOMBARDI

One of my absolute favorite things in the world is playing catch with my sons. Sometimes we even bring a football on our walks together. My older son and I will talk about Star Wars or which Marvel super hero is the best. My younger son runs while I throw the football to him and walk. He practices one-handed catches. He pretends he is in the Super Bowl and taps his feet quickly when he catches it to make sure he is in bounds and raises his hands as if scoring a touchdown. And every once in a while, he says, “Dad, throw it high but far.” High but far? That didn’t really make a lot of sense to me the first time he said it. Then, he pointed to the sky and then behind him. He wanted me to throw it over his head so that he could practice making difficult catches.

At first, he dropped a lot of the passes. As time went on after I threw him hundreds of balls, he got better. His skills improved so much that I couldn’t believe I was throwing to a 10 year old. The point is that I could have praised him until I was blue in the face by telling him how great he was, but the key was practice and the self-realization that he truly was getting better. And we can’t just wish ourselves or others to be more hopeful, positive, or optimistic. Some are predisposed to see the bright side or to automatically understand the good within the bad. Optimism, just like the other skills, can be learned.

Optimism is a very interesting and somewhat controversial topic. Much of what I believe to still be true was written more than 25 years ago by Martin Seligman and conveyed through one of his best-selling books, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life.¹ It is still one of the foundational books of positive psychology, but also misunderstood. Like much of the literature in this field, many have taken it to an extreme that the author did not intend. Seligman does such a wonderful job of painting a picture of success through optimistic thinking that it’s hard to see otherwise. (More on that later.)

In recent years optimism has shouldered the blame for some of the difficulties we have faced in our society. For instance, in Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich talks about how wishful, positive thinking led to the financial collapse in 2008 and 2009. Unfortunately, much of the book references out-of-date, cherry-picked research and the author’s motives can be questioned as she takes shots at scientists like Seligman to prove her points.²

Ehrenreich should not be dismissed entirely though. It is possible to have too much optimism and it probably is true that buyers, lenders, and Wall Street were too optimistic about the housing market. However, when I look at the research and the most successful people that I know, it is evident to me that the most resilient people are optimistic in their thinking. They are less likely to give up on important goals and more likely to bounce back when encountering obstacles.

First, let’s discuss what optimism can help us achieve. Seligman’s research points to a handful of significant benefits. He states that optimistic thinkers are:

• Physically healthier.

• Less likely to suffer from depression.

• More likely to do well in school.

• More productive at work.

• More likely to win in sports.³

The next question is: Why does optimistic thinking carry such a benefit in multiple domains? In short, optimistic thinking helps us see the benefits of pursuing worthwhile goals in a realistic (yet hopeful) manner and provides the psychological means to keep working toward these goals without giving up in the face of obstacles. The optimistic thinker, for instance, upon recovering from a heart attack, will take his medication, start an exercise regimen, eat healthier foods, and stop smoking. The pessimistic thinker, on the other hand, doubts the medication will help, feels it’s too late in the game to exercise, doesn’t see the benefit to eating healthier, and says the smoking habit keeps him calm. The pessimistic thinker may be saying, “Hey, my father died from a heart attack. My uncle died from a heart attack. It just runs in the family. What’s the point in doing all this stuff if it is inevitable for me, too?” There is a sense of helplessness with this person and, just as importantly, a disregard of the evidence for trying harder.

The optimistic thinker tends to avoid rumination when she is laid off from a high-paying job and she is the sole source of income for the family. She experiences sadness when she is disappointed but the sadness does not dominate her life. Why? She is quick to focus on what she can control and more likely to act. The pessimistic thinker experiences the same sadness. But, this sadness becomes a long-term companion as she ruminates over how bad things are. She is slower and less likely to act on her own behalf to make things better.

Optimism as a Foundational Quality

In school, the optimistic thinker focuses on studying harder after receiving a lower-than-expected grade while the pessimistic thinker can’t stop thinking about the difficulty of the course content. In sports, the optimistic athletes try to fix what goes wrong when they lose while the pessimistic athletes continually question their abilities. After being told "no" 50 times by 50 prospective clients, the optimistic salesperson says, “I have to believe that someone in the next 50 calls is going to say yes!” The pessimistic salesperson finds reasons beyond her control, such as the economy or the market for her products, as rationale to give up.

Dan Porter, children’s book author and guru in the corporate leadership development space, says, “Optimism is the foundation of resilience for me.” Dan goes on to say, “…for me it goes to the notion that a person must have a deep-seated belief in the ultimate positive outcome of this life’s journey. Having a deeply rooted faith in the purpose of this life helps create both optimism and resilience.”⁴

A simplistic way to talk about optimism is that you have it or you don’t. In actuality, optimism has two major components that can be considered. First, it exists on a continuum. On one end is the Pollyanna-type thinking in which nothing can go wrong, everything always works out, and there is no time for worry. (This is the type of thinking that Barbara Ehrenreich unfairly accuses those in the field of positive psychology of promoting.) On the other end is nothing but doom and gloom. The universe is against the eternal pessimistic thinker and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. In between, there is nuance. There are slight changes over time and between people.

The second major element is context. In my experiences as a coach, I have seen major differences within an individual between work and personal lives. Some will say they are much more optimistic about their abilities at work versus their lives at home. Others are just the opposite. And there may be some subtle differences with regard to optimism across genders. Some studies show men to be more optimistic with regard to economic issues and the impact of technology. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more optimistic when they experience issues in their relationships.

In 1991, my good friend Joe Valerio realized his dream when he was selected by the Kansas City Chiefs in the second round of the college draft. Joe played football at the University of Pennsylvania. Since the 1950s, however, teams in the Ivy League have abandoned scholarships and it is only the occasional player who enjoys a career in the NFL. From the moment I met Joe outside of our freshman dorm in 1987, I could tell he was different. He absolutely loved the game and had a tremendous amount of confidence in his ability as a football player. Joe was (and still is) a very humble person, but when we would talk about our futures, he was never shy about sharing his desire to play football professionally. He fantasized about being a Philadelphia Eagle down to excruciating detail when he was a kid. (In fact, he used the swing set in his backyard to serve as the train he rode with his teammates up to East Rutherford, New Jersey, to play the Giants!) Many people doubted him, but the comments never stuck to him. He was Teflon to any negativity in this domain.

When his professional football career was over, Joe had no problem finding work in the insurance industry. I will never forget a conversation I had with Joe after he got his first job after five years in the NFL. He seemed a little down. He wasn’t sure if he was doing well and this bothered him. Joe talked about how NFL coaches gave constant feedback, how practices were filmed, and every play was graded. It was much easier, he said, to understand what wasn’t working and then fix it. In the business world, though, Joe knew he could succeed but I could hear that he was lacking the same certainty that he had displayed in earlier years. Through time, Joe has exhibited a work ethic and investment in relationships that has made him successful in this line of work. He may have had different levels of optimism in these very different domains, but he believed in his ability to improve. He took that confidence from one domain and sprinkled it in another.

What Is Optimism?

For us to have a healthy discussion about optimism, it is important to settle on a common definition. The one that I would like to offer up is: The skill of focusing on the positive, without denying the negative, and channeling one’s energy toward what is controllable. The first dimension of the definition is the recognition that this is a skill, not just something you inherit. When I discuss this in our workshops, I do everything in my power when talking about individuals to refer to them as optimistic or pessimistic thinkers. The reason I do this is because we have control over the style of thinking in which we engage. In short, this is a skill that can be learned. The next part is what most people remember about optimism, but it is also the area that generates the most misinformation: focusing on the positive. Many believe that “positive thinking” is the way to optimism and resilience. Those who believe this are missing or ignoring the next part: without denying the negative. When I talk about how optimism can benefit an individual, I often say it is a “realistic” or “flexible” optimism that adds the most value. Finally, when we focus on what is controllable we are more likely to be successful. The unrealistic optimistic thinker may buy into the crazy notion made popular in The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that the “Law of Attraction” governs the universe. In the book, Byrne argues that when we think negatively, we attract negative outcomes. Conversely, when we think about good things happening (for example, getting promoted, finding a mate, and so on), the universe draws these good things upon us.⁵ Some people swear upon this concept even though there is no way to test it scientifically. And when they don’t attract good results they make up some reason as to why the Law was not invoked. The realistic optimistic thinker invokes the serenity prayer: “God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

In Learned Optimism, Seligman talks about the markers found in our language that can give us a clue to someone’s thinking. Making permanent, pervasive, and personal statements about ourselves is usually a sign that we’re not thinking clearly.⁶ For instance, if I say to myself “I’m stupid,” what I am really saying is:

1. Stupid is a permanent explanation for my situation. I cannot learn anything else with regard to this and it is not going to change.

2. Being stupid is pervasive across multiple domains in my life. I am just not an intelligent person and I’m not equipped to handle life’s difficulties.

3. This is all about me. No one else has any role in how things have gone wrong. I am personally entirely responsible for this situation.

Of course, there are situations in which it’s not going to change, it’s affecting all areas of your life, and it is actually your fault. I think it’s safe to argue, however, this is not the norm and that if your default style of explaining events sounds like what we just reviewed, it’s time to challenge yourself.

And this is where a little flexibility and agility can be an asset. The optimistic thinker does her best to consider how a particular adversity will not last forever. She also recognizes that most adversities do not bleed into all areas of her life. A mistake at work does not mean she is a terrible mother. And she is slow to take 100 percent of the blame for what went wrong because she knows that others may have played a role. It is not that she blames others but that she shares the blame in a way that is more accurate.

Consider Jennifer, the mother of two kids with severe disabilities. When she hits the wall and something goes wrong, she is quick to look at the situation with an optimistic view that allows her to not only recover but be productive and solve the problem. Jennifer likes to say to herself, “This will pass.” She’s been through so much that she knows difficult times will eventually end.

Steve, a wealth manager in the New York metro area, has been helping his clients achieve their financial goals for 25 years. In that time, we have experienced three recessions (one of them was the worst the world has seen since the Great Depression of the 1930s). When the markets drop suddenly, Steve must demonstrate resilience and optimism to his clients who are watching “experts” on TV talk about how bad things are and how bad they could be in the future. The clients see statistics and graphics that depict losses and no hope. Steve knows these dips in the market are temporary. He knows that his clients would “ruin themselves if they pulled out of the market” so he cites evidence of how the markets bounce back. Steve sticks to his convictions and focuses on the long-term goals of growth through sound investment while ignoring the short-term pain.

The Case for Self-Efficacy

One day a couple of years ago, I was driving to the store when my younger son suddenly blurted out from the back seat, “Hey, Dad! That’s the school where I played soccer.” This immediately brought some painful memories to mind as this was the spring that my wife and I were legally separated and the business I was running was close to shutting down. As it turns out, watching my son attempt to play soccer may have been more painful. He wasn’t very good.

I acknowledged his comment and he went on confidently, “You know, Dad, I was really good.”

More memories flashed before me. He didn’t like going to soccer. He never finished one practice; he would run over and sit on his mom’s lap before it was over. And, when the coaches lined the kids up for some drills, he tripped over the ball or missed the ball completely. In short, the season was a disaster. He was too young to be playing (4 years old) and he had no real interest in the sport or what it took to get better.

I was intrigued by his comment about how good he was at soccer, so I decided to probe into the seemingly optimistic little mind and asked, “Oh really? What makes you say that?”

Without hesitation he replied with, “I got a medal.”

Carol Dweck, PhD, professor of psychology at Stanford University, and author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, would probably gag after hearing that. Dweck has spent more than 30 years studying the mindsets that people use to know themselves and direct their behavior. What she found was eye opening. In short, through numerous studies, Dweck found that most people fall into one of two mindsets: fixed or growth. Those with a fixed mindset tend to think that their abilities are inherited and immutable. Those with a growth mindset believe that their abilities, such as intelligence and creativity, can be developed through time from practice and learning.⁷

This, of course, can have a significant impact on one’s optimism and resilience. (In fact, this theory may be the very foundation of this book.) Where this gets even more interesting (and relevant to my son’s comment about the medal) is how these mindsets may come about. It turns out that the way we praise children may have everything to do with it. According to Dweck, praising children for accomplishment alone or for their seemingly stable traits produces the fixed mindset. This in turn leaves the child with no choice but to preserve the theory about their abilities. When offered more difficult challenges, those with the fixed mindset are more likely to pass on the offer, thinking that it may expose a level of competence that is missing. It actually reduces persistence in the face of greater challenge and obstacles.

The growth mindset can be developed by praising for effort and achievement. In turn, students with the growth mindset see higher levels of difficulty as a way to test themselves and learn where they can improve. Praising kids for effort offers them a template to follow, while praising a child for her ability offers no information on how to modify their behavior the next time around. It only serves to motivate the child to protect a set of beliefs.

The medal that my son was given was offered with all the right intentions. The leaders of this soccer league wanted the kids to feel that they were special and to have positive memories about their time playing the sport. Carol Ryff, PhD, a psychologist at Pennsylvania State University, argues that we are putting too much emphasis on short-term happiness and positive moods.⁸ We are thinking too much about an individual’s self-esteem instead of self-actualization and self-efficacy.

The impact on all of this in the workplace can be seen in the incentive structures of most for-profit companies. Bonuses and raises are given to those who sell the most or receive the highest annual rating. It is hard to argue with this approach as companies need profits to stay in business. The problem is that this focus on achievement can create a fixed mindset culture in which all that matters is reaching a specific goal. Employees start to miss out on the journey. They hear executives talk about “going the extra mile” for customers, but if it is not attached to a bonus, the existing customer is ignored as the sales rep focuses on selling new products that add revenue toward his yearly goal. All of this focus on achievement can even lead to a culture in which reaching the goal is all that matters and ethics are not considered. All that matters is avoiding failure. There is no reason why hard work and growth should not be rewarded.

Businesses that adopt a growth mindset create a culture of learning, feedback, and intelligent risk-taking. They value experiments and continuous growth. Companies with a growth mindset recognize that developing internal talent is a top priority. They may look outside on occasion to fill key roles but they look within first to send the message that growth is possible. Coaching, training, leadership development programs, and tuition reimbursement are the norm in these cultures.

Remember Chang from Chapter 1? She is the director of library services in Loudoun County, Virginia, and is a leader who has created this kind of organization. Not surprisingly, she values growth and education. She believes that employees can get better in their roles. Chang provides training for her team and sits on the edge of her chair in class, ready to ask questions and encourage her team. Remember it was her grade-school English teacher back in China who helped Chang understand that she could attend university. The two of them would meet at 5 a.m. every day to practice English. Slowly but surely, Chang’s English improved and so did something else–her self-efficacy. When we discuss optimism it is also important to discuss self-efficacy. In fact, the type of optimism I am promoting is tightly linked to self-efficacy. Albert Bandura, one of the first to study the concept, offered this definition: “People’s judgments of their capabilities to organize and execute courses of action required to attain designated types of performances.”⁹ In other words, people with a high level of self-efficacy believe they have the capabilities to accomplish a task. In Chang’s case, seeing the improvement in her ability to speak English led her to believe in her abilities overall. This in turn propelled her to higher academic achievement and a spot in China’s most prestigious university years later.

In another surprising twist, it turns out the optimism may not be the product of positive affirmations. That is, telling ourselves “I can do it!” may not be the best way to keep motivation high to solve problems. In one study, two groups of participants were formed and instructed to solve puzzles put before them. The first group was instructed to repeat a phrase, such as, “I will solve the puzzle.” This group was testing the idea that self-affirmations increase optimism and motivation. The second group was instructed to ask themselves, “Will I solve the puzzle?” The second group solved 50 percent more puzzles than the first. It seems that asking the question activates the growth mindset that leads to problem-solving. It creates a thinking pattern that is searching for answers, patterns, and other related thoughts that help create our own motivation.

Strengths and Optimism

One of the most effective ways to build self-efficacy and optimism is to work and live in your strengths. Psychological strengths can be seen as built-in capacities for thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When you engage one of your core strengths, you feel a sense of authenticity. It’s your true self. You may even experience a higher level of energy. Using your strengths is the opposite of tiring; it’s engaging.

The research is rich with studies that show how using your strengths in new ways leads to higher levels of happiness and satisfaction with life. In one study of more than 12,000 participants led by the late Chris Peterson, PhD, it was discovered that certain strengths were highly correlated with life satisfaction: love, hope, curiosity, and zest.¹⁰ This is interesting but can leave people who do not have any of these in their top strengths feeling confused and left out.

The other approach that has been recommended as the result of several studies is that simply identifying your top strengths and using them in new ways leads to higher levels of happiness and engagement with lower levels of depressive symptoms. Although this approach has merit, it is incredibly simplistic and does not take context into account. In one review of the literature, a team of psychologists (Robert BiswasDiener, Todd Kashdan, and Gurpal Minhas) proposes a slightly more sophisticated approach to using your strengths that can attract greater benefits to the individual.¹¹

The approach has three major points. First, consider the idea that your strengths are not fixed or hard-wired since birth. Some of the earlier literature on strengths may not have gone so far as to explicitly say that strengths were a fixed part of your personality, but they certainly did lean in that direction. For instance, one set of authors introduces the concept of strengths by talking about how we create “super highways” in our brains in the first 10 years of our lives. They infer that these highways are the blueprints for our talents and that trying to build new ones is really a waste of effort. In fact, they urge people not to complete their strengths assessment more than once.¹² Another set of researchers concedes that there is a substantial “genetic composition” to our strengths development.¹³ These claims are not outwardly false, but they lead us in a direction of thinking that says we are stuck with who we are in terms of our strengths. In the short term, it can be very pleasant and intriguing to learn what your top strengths are based on an assessment, but this can be followed by a period of stagnation. The research shows that there is a fair amount of variability in our personalities, both over time and between the situations that present themselves to us.¹⁴ Simply thinking that our strengths are fixed may lead to thinking of ourselves as hammers and seeing all of our problems as nails. A more effective way of looking at our strengths may be to regulate their use based on the circumstances.

The second concept put forth by Biswas-Diener, Kashdan, and Minhas is that our strengths do not necessarily exist in isolation. They argue that using your strengths in combinations leads to the best results. Consider the psychological strengths of Gratitude and Love. According to the researchers at VIAcharacter.org, the strength of Gratitude is defined as “Being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks.” The strength of Love is defined as “Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated; being close to people.” Imagine that these strengths were identified as being two of your most valued. On their own, they can produce feelings of elation, connection (to the universe and others), and authenticity. When combined, however, they are powerful tools for effectiveness. A person wielding these strengths, for instance, can express his appreciation for a coworker’s efforts with deep, heartfelt sincerity. Higher levels of trust, connection, and cooperation emerge and the organization benefits as well.

And the benefits of using your strengths do not stop there. Additional studies show that strengths used by research participants led to less stress, greater self-esteem, and higher levels of positive emotions. All of these elements allow us to manage ourselves more effectively through adversity and build the intrinsic belief that we are capable. In my years of coaching executives and working with corporate teams, however, this is where many have trouble connecting the dots. When an employee is disorganized or lacking adequate communication skills, the company can simply send him off to training to “fix” a weakness. When it comes to strengths, we don’t normally think about investing in an area that is already performing well.

Once many hear about this idea of focusing on their strengths, they immediately say, “Okay, sounds pretty good, but now what?” This is where Ryan Niemiec, PhD, the education director of the Values in Action Institute on Character comes in. Niemiec has developed a simple model for making your strengths come to life: Aware–Explore–Apply.

• Aware. Just about any self-improvement process starts with building some awareness. In this case, find a way to identify your strengths. Ask your friends, your family, and your coworkers to tell you what they see as your top strengths. Be sure to ask for examples. Or take the VIA Survey for free at VIAcharacter.org. It’s 120 questions and you get your results immediately.

• Explore. Ponder your results. Which ones are surprises? Which of these are not a surprise? When can you remember using them? How have you used them to overcome an obstacle or adversity?

• Apply. Start mindfully applying your strengths to your work and personal life. Which strength(s) can help you solve a problem you are facing right now? Which strength(s) do you typically go to when you’re feeling anxious, scared, or stressed? What goals are you pursuing to which you can apply your strengths?¹⁵

This all sounds great (and it is), but can we put too much focus on our strengths? I believe so and there are three basic things to watch for when making a shift to the strengths focus: disregarding your weaknesses, overusing your strengths, and missing your goals.

One of the main declarations of the strengths movement is to get the focus on strengths and off of our weaknesses. One way to define a weakness is an area in which performance is low and it drains our energy. The key in deciding if the weakness needs attention is around impact. That is, if the impact of the weakness is low or non-existent, it probably does not require a fair amount of attention. For instance, if you were hired as a software engineer to write code and do this mostly on your own, a fear of public speaking probably has no impact on your current role. So, spending time working on this may not be the best use of your limited time.

The other potential issue with strengths is that sometimes we create blind spots for ourselves. Working and living in your strengths feels good. Your energy level goes up and you get more done. The belief in your abilities soars and your levels of optimism follow. And this is where the problem lies. Since it feels so good, we focus only on those traits.

One of my top strengths according to the VIA Survey is “judgment,” which the assessment defines as, “Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.” Years ago while running a small startup company I faced a very difficult decision almost the minute that I joined the organization. A key individual on our team shared information about salaries with the rest of the group. She was unhappy with how much she was making and this was her way of turning employees against the incoming leadership group. In addition, from everything that I could gather, she was the key person on our most important project with our most important client. The client was threatening to back out and that would have spelled doom for our tiny company.

In retrospect, I believe the company would have benefitted from her being fired almost immediately and we could have completed the project with some very long nights. But I kept looking at the situation from all sides. On one hand, she held the keys to this project and was leading several others. I was also unsure how the rest of the staff viewed her contributions. She had intimate knowledge about our technology, content, and clients. On the other hand, this was a serious breach of trust in the corporate world and she was incredibly difficult to work with when it came to trying new ideas and receiving feedback. I waffled back and forth between these points of view, thinking that keeping an open mind was the best thing to do because it felt right. Again, I was a hammer (my strength of judgment) and I thought the situation (fire the employee or keep her) looked like a nail. In reality, the organization was craving decisiveness but I was blinded by one of my top strengths.

Finally, strengths can pose a challenge when we’re actually not up to it. Remember that I am not advocating an unreal optimism that makes you blind to threats and obstacles. There are times, however, when the goal is just out of reach, the hurdles are too high, and the issues are too many to handle. In fact, there is some anecdotal evidence that when highly invested in the “strengths use” approach, not attaining goals can be more disappointing. That is, we do experience more initial optimism when engaging our strengths. We feel more self-confidence as a result and our expectations of achieving the goal make us feel that it will be easier. The disappointment may be a blow to our level of optimism in the end, and something to be aware of when looking at using your strengths.

Using Goals to Build Optimism

Another way to build self-efficacy and create more optimistic thinking is through the use of goals. Some of the best research on goals comes from Edwin Locke and Gary Latham, coauthors of A Theory of Goal Setting and Task Performance. The authors contend that years of research in corporate settings show that setting goals and (of course) hard work are likely to improve performance. As mentioned previously, we are tying optimism to the concept of self-efficacy. As we make progress toward our goals, we increase our self-efficacy and motivation, which can create an upward spiral.

In fact, progress isn’t just good for optimism at the individual level, it’s good for business. In The Progress Principle, Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer argue that their data shows that even small progress in meaningful work is the most powerful motivational stimulant. When I’m coaching executives, I emphasize this fact by asking them how they can help their teams make progress, every day. Amabile and Kramer put forth that employees who move their tasks forward each day are more collegial, more motivated, and more resilient. In the end, if employees feel that the work they are doing is contributing to something larger than themselves and they are making progress, they experience a sense of pride while being able to meet their expectations or goals. When people feel capable, they see “difficult problems as positive challenges and opportunities to succeed.”¹⁶

In short, goals can be good for us, assuming we put in some effort. Here are some other findings from the research on goals. Incorporate them into your life to help build your optimism muscle.

• According to the “Zeigarnik Effect,” you are much more likely to recall uncompleted tasks rather than one you completed. So just get started…on something.

• When visualizing or fantasizing about your goals, focus on the process versus the outcome. It helps you apply your energy to the actual steps needed to reach the goal.

• Align your goals with what’s important to you. Make sure that your goals are not being imposed on you and that they are your choice.

• Simply having goals helps us organize our time, make values-based decisions, prioritize our lives, and track our progress.

• Be cautious of implementing stretch goals. The research on their effectiveness is mixed. Instead, consider goals that are attainable. (However, we also know that the higher the goal, the more likely the person is to exhibit higher performance. So use your judgment.)

• Avoid being overwhelmed by bigger, complex goals by reorganizing them into smaller challenges (sometimes referred to as sub-goals). “Small wins” build confidence and lead to higher motivation and more action.

• Find ways to measure your progress. Constant feedback is essential to success. (Sub-goals can really help with this, too.)

• Introduce some negative thinking into your goal planning. Simply asking, “What could go wrong?” prepares you for the effort and problem-solving required for just about any issues that may arise.

• Be careful about being too specific with your goals; they may blind you to other opportunities. We often think that the obstacles we face come at us in an unpredictable way. So do opportunities; if you are too focused on your super specific goal, you may not see the opening for a different type of achievement right in front of you.

Whenever I think about how to develop someone’s optimism, I think about how this is related to self-efficacy. And when I think about self-efficacy, it brings me to greatness. I am fascinated by how a select few on this planet can be so much better than the rest of us at math, football, guitar, or jiu-jitsu. What is it that makes some great while others are left in their dust?

Daniel Coyle may have isolated a number of key findings that distinguish greatness from the ordinary in his excellent book The Talent Code. Coyle writes that the recipe for success in just about any domain lies in three simple elements. His research first points to deep practice. If you want to get better at something, break it into smaller pieces and immerse yourself in repeating these steps. Anybody can buy a guitar, but the best stay motivated to continue their deep practice, which happens to be the second element in Coyle’s model. Many of the best start with a hero that they greatly admire. This external motivation quickly turns inward when they start saying, “I am a musician…artist…athlete.” It turns into a future vision of themselves in which superior performance is achieved. Finally, the third element involves someone else: a master coach. The master coach focuses on the deep practice as well as the motivation. They see each of their “students” as individuals and treat them as such. They give their all in the pursuit of excellence. ¹⁷

Achieving greatness is not necessarily a guarantee of having a high level of realistic optimism (or vice-versa), but there are some other things to consider from this research that can help build hope and optimism for even the most pessimistic people. The great ones actually look for slopes in their areas of expertise. That is, they push themselves into new areas where they are less comfortable and know they are going to make mistakes. It turns out that making mistakes may just be the single best way to learn and grow. The neural networks that we have built while developing a skill begin to fire over and over again when we make mistakes. This makes the networks stronger. “Struggle is not an option,” writes Coyle, “it is a biological requirement.”¹⁸ In one study, kids who took practice tests and studied less did better than the kids who studied more (in fact, four times more!) but did not take the practice tests.

How Learning Contributes to Optimism

A couple of months after finishing The Talent Code, I signed up to learn some self-defense skills at a local Gracie jiu-jitsu school run by Marco Moreno. When I showed up for the first lesson, I did not even have a gi (pronounced “gee,” it is the white outfit that you are probably used to seeing used in most martial arts) and I have to admit that my number-one goal was to avoid injury. Marco took me aside and told me to lie on my back. He climbed into the mount position on top of me and asked me to try and get him off. I probably outweigh Marco by 20 pounds but I couldn’t get this guy off. It produced a feeling in me that was a cross between being claustrophobic and just plain hopeless. Marco eventually let me up while I struggled for air. Then we switched positions. The results were pretty much the same except instead of feeling claustrophobic and hopeless, I felt incompetent. Marco tossed me like a rag doll. We sat and talked for a short while as he explained how the Gracie Combatives program worked and how once I mastered these techniques (something like 36 different moves, each with several variations) I would be allowed to test for my blue belt. My confidence was not very high at this point but Marco assured me if I just showed up and gave it my best effort, I would see results pretty quickly.

After our initial work together, Marco kicked off the class (there were about eight of us that night) and he told everyone we would be working on the Americana Armlock, a nasty move that can really hurt the other person’s shoulder if done correctly. Marco then demonstrated the move with his partner (the fake bad guy) step by step. The attention to detail was amazing. He talked about how our thumbs should be positioned when we grab the “bad guy’s” wrist, how our one knee needed to come out to form a base, and how the other leg made a “hook” to secure our position. Each “slice” was demonstrated several times and we probably watched the entire move five or six times before we practiced it just like we saw it. This continued all through the hour-long practice and each variation of the Americana. At the end of the class we did “reflex development” that forced us to practice the moves and their variations at a quicker pace. I must have made 50 mistakes that night but I can honestly say that I learned something and it had sunk in. After just three or four classes, I knew that if I needed to defend myself from a physical assault, I would do it very differently than what I might have done prior to this class. My belief in my abilities had increased.

Are You Lucky?

In 1971, Clint Eastwood appeared in his first Dirty Harry movie. He played Detective “Dirty” Harry Callahan of the San Francisco Police Department chasing a psychopathic serial killer. At one point in the movie, Callahan witnesses a bank robbery from a diner across the street. He kills two of the three robbers and wounds the third. The third ends up on the ground eyeing a loaded shotgun just a few feet away. Callahan stands over him and taunts him with: “I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do you, punk?”

Now, think about your life for a moment. Do you feel lucky? Richard Wiseman, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire in the United Kingdom set up a “lucky” lab with 700 participants who had intended to buy lottery tickets. Each participant completed a questionnaire with a series of statements that measured whether the person considered themselves to be lucky or unlucky. As you could imagine, those who saw themselves as lucky were twice as confident that they would win the lottery, but there was no difference in winnings between the two groups.¹⁹ It turns out that luck had no bearing on their ability to influence events outside of their control, so why did some feel lucky while others did not?

Wiseman discovered that the lucky ones viewed the world in a more optimistic way and then behaved in a way that was very different from the unlucky peers. Wiseman’s research points to the idea that lucky people generate their own good fortune with four basic principles: “They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.”²⁰

One experiment run by Wiseman demonstrates this masterfully. Much like the study with lottery tickets, he had a lucky group and an unlucky group. Both were given the same task. They were handed a newspaper and asked to count the number of photographs in the newspaper before them. On average, the unlucky people took about two minutes to complete the task while the lucky people completed the assignment in just seconds. On the second page of the newspaper (in big, bold print) was a message that read: “Stop counting; there are 43 photographs in this newspaper.” It was basically staring everyone in the face. Those who considered themselves to be lucky were much more likely to see the unexpected notice about the number of photos.²¹ People who consider themselves to be unlucky are generally going to be more tense and anxious and research has shown that anxiety can disrupt a person’s ability to notice the unexpected.

These people don’t turn their lives around by flicking a switch to be more optimistic or positive in their thinking. Besides being able to see more information, lucky people behave differently as well. To open themselves up to new opportunities they vary their routes to work. They engage in conversations with strangers at Starbucks and they read articles about topics they know nothing about. Lucky people know that they increase their chances of seeing the world differently (taking a different route to work) and making new friends (talking to strangers) by creating chance opportunities.

Another area in which lucky people outperform unlucky people is when they experience bad luck. When something unfortunate happens to a lucky person, they are inclined to reframe the event to see it in a more positive light. In another Wiseman study, participants are asked to imagine they are standing in a bank and suddenly an armed robber walks in and shoots them in the arm. The unlucky people might say, “Yes, that’s just my luck! I’m a magnet for bad things happening.” The lucky people, on the other hand, might say, “I’m feeling lucky that I was only shot in the arm. Maybe I could sell my story!” Feeling lucky allows you to see adversity in a way that also allows you to have a bright outlook for the future. The upward spiral continues.

Failure Leads to Success

Another unconventional way to build your optimism is to embrace failure. On the face of it, this seems like the opposite of the optimistic thinking we’re used to when we expect things to work out. Failure and adversity are inevitable in life. Thinking you are going to get the promotion you’ve been seeking for the past year probably makes you more likely to get it. Recognizing that it might not happen and being willing to learn from it if it does not happen is a critical skill. Optimistic thinking is probably the most powerful after an adversity.

This sounds easier than it really is. And let’s not forget that “context matters” with failure as well. If you’re a cardiologist in a life-or-death surgery, I would not ask you to embrace failure. Unfortunately, highly trained people (like cardiologists) make mistakes and the ones that are not devastated from failure find ways to learn and become better at their craft. In other situations we encounter every day, such as cooking dinner, interviewing job candidates, running meetings, and coaching little league teams, the stakes are not necessarily life-or-death. In these situations, we may actually benefit more in the long run from failure. In fact, many of the entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley that brought us Facebook, Google, Uber, and other incredible technologies actually look for ways to fail quickly. By trying something that is low-cost and fails quickly, a business can remove that option from its product development list. Knowing that failure is just around the corner opens you up to less disappointment and more of a curious mindset to learn from your mistakes. Dweck’s research at Stanford regarding mindsets went a step further with kids in the classroom. She found that kids who had learning goals actually outperformed kids who were striving for As or Bs. It turns out that seeking an A, for instance, may make one avoid taking on more difficult material. When the focus is on learning, failure and mistakes are an afterthought.

Here are some other interesting ideas with regard to failure and its impact on our optimism and self-efficacy.

• Mistakes force us to slow down and contemplate our goals, our processes, and our performance. Success makes us go faster.

• Most people don’t read the instructions on a new product. They prefer to act and reflect on their progress.

• Hope can actually impede adaptation. If you are truly stuck with a permanent situation that does not meet your expectations, find a way to live with it.

• People who are willing to fail are more likely to take calculated risks and, therefore, achieve more.

Hopefully, some of this can help you think differently about failure and how it is a natural part of life and the progress toward an important goal. Robert Biswas-Diener, author of The Courage Quotient, helps us understand the most important element of coping with risk and failure: courage. Biswas-Diener offers a simple yet intelligent way of thinking of courage by imagining it as a math equation:

COURAGE QUOTIENT = (WILLINGNESS TO ACT / FEAR)

The book contains numerous strategies to increase courage, and one of the main points is that this is a skill to be acquired. Looking at it as an equation helps make it “solveable” and it gives us a target. We can focus on our willingness to act or reducing fear.²²

Jennifer, the mother of two children with severe handicaps lives this principle out. She conjured up the courage to leave her first husband and raise the kids on her own. Jennifer barely knew how to use a screw driver. Once she was on her own, she saw home improvement projects as a way to develop herself. She overcame her fear and learned she was ready to handle any adversity.

Avoiding Extremes

Optimism is one of the trickiest topics in all of psychology. Not enough of it leads to one feeling helpless and overwhelmed. When this happens, effort pretty much disappears. Too much of it and overconfidence sets in. This leads to poor planning and missed expectations that can be equally defeating. And setting this up as a battle between two extremes is not healthy either. It is a false argument similar to the “either/or” dichotomy proposed in the previous chapter. What seems to work is the right amount of optimistic or pessimistic thinking at the right time. Overall, we do benefit with a slightly optimistic view of our lives and a true belief in our abilities to master the environment. Although we may have a tendency as a species to be overly optimistic, it does serve us well.

Paradoxes can be confusing but they can also help us see the nuance that is necessary to navigate a world that seems to throw curve-balls at us from time to time. Dan Porter reminded me of the Stockdale Paradox. Dan recently wrote to me: “The longest held high-ranking POW in American history, Admiral Stockdale, was once asked who struggled the most in the POW Camps. His answer was...the Optimists. The ones who said, ‘We’ll be out by summer,’ ‘We’ll be home for Thanksgiving,’ and ‘We’ll be released for Christmas.' As those moments came and went, the optimist suffered. The Stockdale Paradox states the importance of believing we shall prevail in the end, whenever that end comes. My optimism is that life has purpose and meaning; although shrouded from us at times, it is there. Knowing that increases my patience for the temporal aspects of struggle.”

Take It Or Leave It

• Journal about your day with an eye on your level of optimism. How did your level of optimistic or pessimistic thinking serve your goals? What would you do differently if given the chance to relive the day?

• When intense negative thinking enters your mind, consider picturing a big stop sign. Then, distract yourself with something healthy like a conversation with a trusted friend, exercising, or reading something interesting.

• Think about the different areas of your life: work, romantic relationships, friendships, family, hobbies, and physical health. Write about your level of optimism in each of these domains and look for patterns. Where would being more optimistic or pessimistic help you?

• Ask friends, family, and colleagues to give you feedback on your personal brand as it relates to optimism. Do they think you blame yourself too often (personalization)? Do they believe that you make issues permanent versus temporary? Does an adversity in one area of your life seem to affect other areas (pervasiveness)?

• Go to www.MindsetOnline.com and take Carol Dweck’s free mindset assessment. Consider the research that points to the advantages of a growth mindset.

• Create a goal. Make sure it is aligned with your most important values. Make the goal realistic and then make it a little harder. Break it down into smaller goals and find a way to measure progress every day, if possible.

• Create a “hero” notebook. Identify people who you admire and write about the attributes they possess that you would like to develop.

• When faced with an adversity, avoid talking to yourself with positive affirmations. Instead, ask yourself, “Can I do it? How can I do it?”

• Go to www.VIAcharacter.org and take the 20-minute strengths assessment. Find ways to work your top strengths into your life in new behaviors and thought patterns.

• Before you go to sleep, think about (better yet, write about) your small wins. Were you able to juggle a demanding job with planning and making dinner for your family? Did you complete a presentation for your manager? Get creative.

• Upon waking up in the morning, think about your day and all the things you need to do. Then, identify the one thing that you can complete that will add the most value to your life. Write this down and make sure to cross it off at night.

• Take up a hobby. Find something enjoyable and meaningful to you. Put time on your calendar to engage this hobby.

• Think about how lucky you really are. Find ways to act on this luck by taking a new route to work, changing who you talk to at parties, or find new people with whom you can network that you wouldn’t normally approach.

• Take small bets and get ready to fail. Focus on learning as much as possible from the experience versus being successful in conventional measures. Take action.