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Getting Ready for Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

—MAHATMA GANDHI

Why dedicate a whole chapter to getting ready for change? While the following chapters contain the content that probably drove you to read this book, this chapter might be the most important. We’ll talk about your expectations. We’ll discuss some best practices and we’ll throw out a bunch of tips to help make you more successful no matter what your goals may be.

A quick review of the self-help books on Amazon reveals some interesting declarations. One book claims to have “the seven principles” necessary to thrive at home and work. (The same author promises “five hidden keys” to success, happiness, and change in a later book. Which book is right?) Another book reports that you can achieve happiness in just 14 days, while another says all you need is their 21-day challenge. Finally, one book offers 500 things that I can be happy about. It’s like a never-ending, all-you-can-eat buffet of advice and tips that guarantees happiness, fulfillment, and achievement.

I call your attention to this for several reasons. I have bought and read many of these books, and if I had just invested that money from the last 10 years into my kids’ college funds instead, I would be home free. There is some excellent advice, research, and wisdom out there, but I ask you to be wary of all of it (including what you’re reading now). If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Happiness in 14 days? (Or was it 21?) Seriously, don’t buy into that type of claim. While the authors of these books (in some cases) have some great credentials, their absolute claims are not a healthy way to approach self-improvement and change. Absolutes are usually a recipe for disappointment.

The next issue that I have with much of the self-improvement content on the market is the lack of context. My good friend Todd Kashdan (the same one who coauthored The Upside of Your Dark Side mentioned previously) likes to say, “Context matters.” I write this quote on a piece of flip chart paper in every class that I facilitate, not just classes on resilience or well-being. I tell participants at the beginning of any class to be a little skeptical and push back. “In fact,” I usually say, “please make a point of it to disagree with me.” The idea is that I don’t want you to take what is written here as Gospel or that every word applies to you and the context in which you find yourself. Practicing gratitude, for instance, has been shown in dozens of studies to promote happiness and even decrease symptoms of depression. Does this mean that you have to write in a gratitude journal every night? Absolutely not. Practicing gratitude (and other exercises recommended here and elsewhere) may not have the same effect for you as it does for others. There is nothing wrong with you. It could be timing. It could be your current situation or even your expectations. In the end, not all of the recommendations I put forth work for every person all the time.

The Art and Science of Learning

In 2010, Marco Moreno opened The Basics Gracie Jiu-Jitsu school in Leesburg, Virginia. I started training under Marco in January of 2015. I was quick to learn that Marco doesn’t just teach the world’s greatest martial art, he lives it. He is one of the best teachers I have ever been around and his passion for the Gracie style of jiu-jitsu (GJJ) is evident from the moment you meet him. He is constantly watching videos in order to learn new moves to teach his students. He is also fond of sending these videos out to the members of his school.

In one video, Rener Gracie is talking to a group of business people about what he calls Entrepreneur Jiu-Jitsu (EJJ) and how some of the basic principles of the martial art can help you be a more effective entrepreneur and a more resilient person. In a principle he refers to as “position,” he talks about how “using the right move at the wrong time is really just the wrong move.” There are literally hundreds of incredibly effective moves in jiu-jitsu that can help you defend yourself from just about any attack from a “bad guy.” Knowing these techniques is not enough. Knowing the techniques and when to use them is critical.

So, here is another recommendation for getting the most out of this book: Make it your own. Many studies have people write down three good things that happened in their lives each night. For some, this quickly becomes boring and lacks value. If this feels like a burden to you, try practicing it once a week. Or, maybe you speak about your three good things with your partner or your family. I do this every night with my kids and it has become a welcome ritual at the end of the day.

As you read, challenge the information instead of blindly accepting it. Ask how this applies (or doesn’t apply) to your life and your context. Ask how someone in a different place may have a completely different point of view. Consider thinking about when something presented here is true for you and when it is not true for you. Not only will you remember more of this but you will be more likely to apply it. And, you will be building your “flexibility muscle.” As you will see, being able to view a situation from multiple angles can be one of your greatest assets when it comes to resilience.

Another quote I put up on the wall for the classes I teach is, “Be comfortably uncomfortable.” I first heard this from John May, a partner at one of the largest and most prestigious consulting firms in the world. John was speaking to a group of new employees about the benefits of working at the firm and the great resources available for professional development. As he talked about how they could reinvent their personal brands, he didn’t say it would be easy. In fact, he said the opposite: get ready for this to hurt a little. Any type of growth opportunity is going to involve being uncomfortable. If it’s too easy, you’re going to be bored and probably not grow. Decide how much of being uncomfortable you want to put up with. Just remember that too much comfort probably means you are not stretching yourself. Being too uncomfortable, however, may lead to a decision to stop trying a new way of doing things. This is up to you.

And this brings us to our next point when engaging in any type of personal development: expectations. This includes your expectations and what you perceive to be the expectations of those around you. Let’s talk about others’ expectations of you, first. I was teaching a class on how to navigate difficult conversations a short time ago. We were talking about the expectations we have for other people and how this can get in the way of healthy dialogue sometimes. One of the participants started to tell a story that I will never forget. Her nephew was a successful accountant in his mid-20s but he hated his job. And he confided in his aunt about how he wanted switch careers but he thought that his dad (also an accountant) would get upset. His dad expected him to be an accountant as it was one of the most stable professions. She coached him through it and helped him understand that it was his life and gave him some tips for speaking with his dad. In the end, he went to law school, has a thriving practice, and hasn’t looked back.

Another story has not worked out so well, however. A good friend of mine owns a business that he purchased from his father. His dad started the business almost 50 years ago and put his blood, sweat, and tears into it. He created a thriving company that now employs more than 50 people and has generated tens of millions of dollars. My friend started to work at the company right after college and never talked about it in positive terms.

Fast forward 25 years and he was telling me about some of the difficulties he was facing. It occurred to me that running a business like this could be incredibly draining and the financial risk was enormous. If you absolutely love what you’re doing, though, you are more likely to make it work and see the challenges as necessary to fulfilling some purpose. In fact, the challenges may motivate you. Instead, my friend’s lack of love for the business was putting a strain on his marriage, his relationship with his kids, and his health. I asked him, “What are your thoughts on selling the company?”

His immediate response was very telling: “It would just kill my father. My dad loves this business more than he loves his own kids.”

Okay, so there may be some exaggerating going on with my friend but let’s imagine for a second that his dad really did love the business so much that it would create friction between the two if my friend decided to sell. Who has to live with the consequences? Who works more than 60 hours a week to keep the business running? This is easy for us to see but hard when we’re in a similar position. My friend still has to interact with his dad but the point is still an important one to consider even when we engage in something like building our resilience. Do this for yourself on your terms. Be incredibly wary of the real or perceived expectations of others as your source of motivation to change.

The other point to consider with expectations has to do with where you set your expectations. Some research shows that when participants in studies set higher expectations, they achieve more. I just finished setting my goals for the year, both personally and professionally. As you could imagine, I increased the targets over what I achieved last year. I’ve been doing this for a number of years and have found it to be an energizing process that does, in fact, lead to higher achievement for me. When it comes to resilience, however, I ask that you reflect upon this research with a grain of salt. There is additional research (more on this later) from Gabriele Oettingen that suggests we inject a little negative thinking into our pursuits.¹ As you consider this journey of self-improvement, spend a little time thinking about the fact the journey will undoubtedly have some bumps in the road. And consider lowering your expectations for yourself. Set small, achievable goals that you can track on a daily or weekly basis. It may be as simple as grading yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 every day and writing in a journal for a couple of minutes. This can keep you motivated and focused on your goal.

Another thing that can help you with learning and change is simply talking to other people. That is, become a teacher while you are a student. Learning by teaching also has some degree of support in the scientific community. When we consume some content (for instance, this book), we will most likely forget 95 percent, or more. When we take some notes in the margins or pause to highlight a passage, we probably retain a little more. (At its worst, this last method of scribbling in a book makes it easier to go back and look for the things you found to be insightful and/or relevant to your situation.) Imagine now if you decided to explain what you had learned. Your brain, instead of just recalling the information, now has to organize the information in a thoughtful, interesting manner. All of this “work” strengthens the pathways to the information in your brain. Then, when you “present” the information to a friend or colleague, your brain can take it to another level. You might get questions about the content. You may be met with challenges or you may remember there was something else you wanted to share. All of this helps with retention and can increase motivation.

Take notes while reading, whether it is in the book or in a notebook. Then, find a way to share at least three things you learned with three people. I know this sounds like a lot of work but it’s another way to maximize your investment in yourself. The more that you talk about this, the more likely you are to actually do something and see improvement. And, your retention of this material will skyrocket. You will be making new connections every time you share a tidbit, answer a question, and recall the content. Give it a try.

Speaking of writing, give that a try, too. It’s not just good for your retention of the information. I am talking about the positive effects that it can have on your resilience and well-being. The science is very clear on this: Writing about your experiences and your emotions is good for you. So, although it is critical that you engage in the exercises that make the most sense for you and that you engage in these activities based on what you want for yourself (not someone else’s wishes), I will give you a very strong nudge to give the writing exercises a try. And, you will find that most of the research-backed exercises require anywhere from five to 20 minutes of writing to experience the full benefit. Of course, read this book as you wish. Keep in mind, however, that the more actively you participate, the more likely you are to get the most out of it.

Another analogy that I share with participants in our workshops is one with a family dinner. Imagine for a second that you decide to order Chinese food to be delivered. You go around the room asking for everyone’s order and you put chicken lo-mein on the list. Someone else orders pork steamed dumplings and someone else wants moo shu pork. You do this until everyone has a say. If your family is anything like mine, you go for your favorite dish (usually the one that you ordered), as soon as it is delivered. You might try one or two of your less favorite entrees and you go back for seconds with your favorite. When it comes to the material in this book, I ask that you put much of what you see “on your plate,” including a couple of things that you know won’t work for you or that you don’t really like at all. That is, step out of your comfort zone to maximize your chances for growth. In the immortal words of John May, “Be comfortably uncomfortable.”

Let’s go back to our discussion about expectations. We’ve learned that possibly lowering them (in some situations) and introducing a little negative thinking can aid in our growth. More specifically, I ask you to think about your timetable for growth. Is your goal to be just a little more resilient? For instance, you may snap at your kids or your colleagues when there is too much uncertainty. And if you are simply looking for a way to snap at them less or see things a little differently, with some of the research and recommendations presented here, you might see some positive change in a short time. If, however, you are looking at creating true transformation, and if you find yourself really stuck and need major changes to occur to create a more meaningful, productive, yet peaceful existence, this will take time. And this is where expectations can get the best of us.

Take the analogy of a body builder. People who lift weights to construct larger muscles know that it takes time to see the results. They may spend hours in the gym the first month only to feel a lot of sore muscles but no significant growth. And, so it is with transformation. As an executive coach, I rarely work with an individual for less than six months. Coaching is not an inexpensive service for a company to invest in, so we often get requests to coach someone for just three months or to sit with the person and review a psychological assessment or their 360 feedback report. It just doesn’t work like that. True transformation just begins to blossom during the six months and many clients opt for another six months because they feel the momentum of the coaching engagement. And so it might be with you and your personal growth. Don’t short-change your efforts by expecting too much in too little time or with too little effort.

Let’s also get some myths out of the way. Take a look at the following statements (without reading ahead) and decide which ones are myths and which are based on research.

• Resilient people are really positive and upbeat almost all the time.

• Resilient people are known for being able to go it alone without the help of others.

• Resilient people are the ones who never give up.

• Resilient people take so much pride in what they do that they tend to be perfectionists.

In our workshop, I read each statement and ask the participants to raise their hands if they think the statement is based on research. In most cases, at least a few hands go up for each one. As you may have guessed, it’s a trick. They are all based on myths and it is important to address these as we prepare for positive change and resiliency.

First, it may be that the resilient people you know are usually the hopeful, positive, optimistic ones. You would be right in thinking that these characteristics can contribute to resilience, but I list this as a myth because of the picture that it paints. I would be independently wealthy if I had a nickel for every time that I was a little down and someone said, “Well, you just have to think positive.” We put too much emphasis on feeling good and being upbeat. In contrast to this myth, resilient people are emotionally agile. They know that different situations call for different emotions. They don’t see this as a war between positive and negative. Before you look at resilient people as emotionless, it is important to know that they do have a positivity bias. They recognize that a generally positive or optimistic disposition is going to be more effective (and pleasurable!) in the long run, but they reserve the right to call upon the most effective emotion in the moment.

The second statement is more of a myth, again, because I believe that our society tends to put a little too much value on the strong individual who seems to achieve more and overcome more on his or her own. I would challenge you to think of any high-achieving individual and how that person achieved so much. This myth doesn’t really have much to stand on.

A friend of mine used to run a consulting firm that worked with a lot of well-known high-tech companies from Silicon Valley. He was at a conference one year with an entrepreneur who came up with the idea for a technology that many of us use every day and turned it into a multimillion dollar enterprise. While on the elevator with this successful entrepreneur, my friend decided to ask a question: “You have turned what was just an idea into an incredibly successful company. So, what would you say is the main reason for all your success?” The entrepreneur didn’t hesitate and responded with, “While I appreciate your kind words about me, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t recognize how fortunate I am to work with incredibly talented people. And, I’m talking about my colleagues, as well as family and friends.” Everyone from Abraham Lincoln to Mahatma Gandhi to Oprah Winfrey and Eleanor Roosevelt was solidly connected to a host of people that facilitated their success and their resilience.

The next myth about never giving up is one of my favorites. The word “quitting” has a pretty negative connotation in our society, as well. Resilient people do tend to stick with things and effectively cope with obstacles to achieve their goals. Keep in mind that resilient people are excellent at seeing their world from a realistically optimistic perspective. This realism saves them from pursuing goals that are now either unattainable or not worth the cost of pursuing anymore. By being in the present moment and recognizing that the circumstances may have changed or the path to success ended up being too costly, they actually make the wise decision and quit. What we see on television and in the movies, however, is the person who continued on against the odds to achieve a goal. This is what I call a story, and although it is inspiring and we need people to persevere through difficult times, we also need examples of people who quit when the quitting was good.

Angela Duckworth, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, turned her interest in achievement into a career. Duckworth’s research points to two elements that seem to predict high rates of success: grit (the ability to sustain interest in and effort toward goals) and self-control (the voluntary regulation of emotions and behavior in the presence of distractions).² High levels of grit and self-control contribute to more achievement and this is a hallmark of resilient people. But keep in mind that you can have too much of just about anything. Imagine staying in an abusive relationship because you are the type of person who sees things through. Or think about if you had a really bad boss who demanded so much of you that it was negatively affecting your home life. Resilient people are excellent at achieving goals that are in line with their most cherished values and sticking with those that are achievable.

The last myth is one that many people identify correctly but it’s still worth discussing. And, while most of us know this is a myth, we’re too hard on ourselves. We expect too much; we expect perfection. When we expect perfection we consistently let ourselves down. Of course, we are inherently fallible. There is nothing wrong with believing in yourself, but expecting no mistakes and always achieving your best is just setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s not realistic.

Another issue that Tal Ben-Shahar points out in his book The Pursuit of Perfect is that it’s okay to fear failure, but it’s not necessarily okay to have an intense fear of failure. Ben-Shahar writes, “Failure is an inescapable part of life and a critically important part of any successful life.”³ When you strive for perfection, you may tend to take fewer risks. And, as a self-proclaimed perfectionist earlier in his life, Ben-Shahar writes about how it consumed him and how his life was completely focused on achievement. He explains how he lost out on the joy of the journey. The really sad part of the story is that Ben-Shahar ended up winning the national squash championship in Israel and he felt no joy. He was so focused on winning that after achieving his goal, he immediately started to obsess over how he would defend his championship.

A couple of years ago, I found that something was missing in my life. My kids and I were healthy. My business, then in its third year, was really picking up and the work that I was doing was getting more interesting. My skills were improving and I seemed to have just about everything that I really wanted. After some long walks and time spent thinking about my situation, I realized that I still had some growth to do in working through my divorce. I reached out to a local therapist (we’ll call him Steve) and went in for my first appointment. Upon sitting down in Steve’s office, he asked me, “So, why are we here?” I proceeded to tell him that I was as satisfied with my life as I had ever been but I wasn’t satisfied with my ability to manage through the divorce and be the best dad possible. I will never forget his response: “This is the best time to do this. Your mind is open to new ways of looking at your life and you’re not in a state of desperation.” Of course, seeking help when you most need it is a sign of resilience. However, waiting for a rainy day to buy an umbrella may not be the best strategy for staying dry. Many of the tips in this book were born from years of peer-reviewed research, but please do not use this in place of therapy. This book was written to supplement what you learn about living a healthy life from other sources, including a qualified mental health professional. And, it does not have the ability to ask you questions and comment on your situation.

Still, there is a benefit from working on yourself when things are relatively good and stable in your life. The old saying “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” could not be more applicable. Have you ever gone for a run after not going for some time? Your lungs burn. Your legs feel like cement and all your mind thinks about is when the torture will end. Ease yourself into this endeavor with some small goals. Walk before you run and take on just one or two new habits at a time. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, and research psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, recommends engaging in between one and four new habits, but no more than that.⁴ This is probably one of the reasons why so many New Year’s resolutions fail. People put too much effort into the list of things they want to change (weight loss, more exercise, new job, repairing a relationship, starting a business, changing jobs, and so on) that they fail to prioritize. One by one, their resolutions fail. Again, take a little bit of time to prioritize what is important to you and focus on the areas that will have the most impact.

Sometimes, it’s just one thing that makes a difference in your efforts. Another tip you may want to try is, at the end of each chapter, write down the one thing that had the most impact for you, was the most interesting, or seemed to hold the most promise for you. It’s a little thing and it’s just one thing per chapter. This is a way to get ahead of being overwhelmed by all the exercises, stories, and research in front of you. Again, it’s by limiting choice that we can sometimes make better decisions.

There is a proverb in the business world that reads, “What gets measured gets managed.” It is sometimes attributed to leadership guru Peter Drucker and sometimes to Scottish physicist William Thomson (Lord Kelvin). And, within businesses, it is usually applied to sales. Business leaders are constantly fiddling with commission structures to change behavior. One month, sales reps may make most of their commissions on how many units they sell. The next month they may get a special bonus from selling contracts that are longer than two years, for instance. In short, by simply examining an activity (in this case, selling), you change the activity by forcing attention to it. It can also mean that producing measurements about the activity gives you a handle on it, a way to improve it. If you start adding up your sales volume every month, it gives you a basis for saying “I’m not generating enough revenue, I need to do more selling.”

Another way to look at this is think about being a scientist with your life. As stated earlier, not every science-backed resilience or happiness exercise works for everyone. There are many factors that contribute to how effective you might find a given recommendation. Try experimenting with ones that fit your life. A friend of mine, for instance, read about emotionally expressive writing (we’ll cover this in the next chapter) and decided to tweak the approach. As a single father of a 10-year-old girl, he was often frustrated and sad about the fact that he did not get much time with his daughter. Instead of ruminating on his situation, he took to writing letters to her. In the letters he expressed his feelings and always ended with how much he loved her. He’s not sure if he is ever going to share them with his daughter, but he claims this is one of the practices that has helped him get through some very difficult moments.

If you are looking for some motivation to change, try measuring something. When we want to lose weight, we might buy a FitBit and track steps, sleep, and calories burned. If you play golf and want to improve your score, you might track the number of putts each round. Improving your resilience is really no different. The following chapters will offer you many opportunities to try something new or to even try something that you heard about before but didn’t give it your best effort. Or, it might be that you hear something old with a new slant to it. Either way, I urge you to try tracking this new behavior or exercise. If meditation is the thing you want to try, consider tracking how many times you meditate a week or the number of minutes you meditate. If you opt for a gratitude exercise, it might be that you track the number of things you are grateful for each day or the times you feel a sense of appreciation. The bottom line is that when you make a commitment to track something, you are more mindful about actually doing it. (And, if you’re writing a book, try committing to writing 500, 1,000, or 2,000 words a day. Before you know it, you have a completed book!)

Take It or Leave It

• Question everything. Don’t take my word for it or anyone else’s. Research is great and it deals with averages and statistics. You are unique. Let science guide you but not dictate how you live your life.

• Context matters. Take time to recognize where you find yourself in your life and pick and choose the advice that makes the most sense for you. Adapt what you learn for your context.

• Be comfortably uncomfortable. Change that is transformative is going to involve some hurt. Don’t let that be a sign that it’s not working. If you’re not at least a little bit uncomfortable, you’re probably not growing.

• Higher expectations lead to higher achievement, but when we’re talking about resilience and how we may need some quick wins, try lowering your expectations. Make sure that you are living according to your expectations and not that of your parents, a boss, or even a mentor that you have chosen. It’s your life and yours alone.

• Recognize that teaching is one of the best tools for learning. Summarize a chapter or the main points for your best friend, partner, or even your kids. Share what you learn and share what you think is important.

• Remember that resilient people experience “negative” emotions, just like everyone else. Resilient people may be good on their own but they are fantastic at creating and maintaining supportive, intimate relationships with others. They give up when their goals change, circumstances change, or when the cost of pursuing something outweighs the benefits. Finally, resilient people know when good enough is good enough; they do not tend to be perfectionists.

• Don’t wait for it to rain to buy an umbrella. Continually find ways to build your resilience. And remember that working on yourself when you are in a good place might be the best time to engage in a self-improvement endeavor.

• The enemy of many New Year’s resolutions is not the goals themselves but how many goals we choose to pursue at once. Try only one or two new things at a time. Once you master something or feel that it has become a habit, try something else.

• Track your progress. Get a notebook and create a spreadsheet or write it down on a whiteboard in your kitchen. Find a way to measure your progress and you will be more conscious of the commitment.