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The Case for Resilience

Expect adversity…expect more to conquer it.

—MARV LEVY, FORMER HEAD COACH OF THE BUFFALO BILLS

I have been writing this book for more than 46 years. Not literally, of course, but from a young age, I have been fascinated by people’s behavior in difficult situations. I have seen my fair share of resilient behavior and examples of people acting not so resilient. I have witnessed this in my own behavior and thought patterns as well. I can vividly remember being 14 years old and screaming at my older sister to get out of the bathroom. (Sorry, Kath.) I also recall being engaged in so much negative thinking before a football game my senior year at the University of Pennsylvania that I threw two interceptions; held the ball too long, which allowed 10 sacks; and I was replaced at the end of the game. It was only our second contest of the year and I returned to the starting lineup the next week, but my season was over. My pessimistic thinking got in the way of several comebacks and ruined my performance. (Sorry, guys.)

Little did I know that a psychology professor was studying optimism and pessimism just a few blocks from our stadium. Dr. Martin Seligman is called the “Father of Positive Psychology” and he published Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life during my senior year. Seligman’s main thesis was two-fold. First, he argued that being optimistic led to better outcomes in sports, politics, work, and school. The second pillar was that we could actually learn how to be more optimistic. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a copy of the book and I continued to throw interceptions and my pessimistic thinking followed me through the entire season.¹

It didn’t end there, as my first job out of college was with a large payroll company as a salesman. Every day, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., I made cold calls in person and over the phone. On Tuesday mornings, we had what was referred to as a “phone blitz.” Our managers gave us lists of companies to cold call and we were on the phones, non-stop, for three hours. It was brutal. People routinely hung up on me. They were rude and some even yelled at me, saying that if I ever called back…well, you get the point.

Every once in a while, I needed a break. If you took too many breaks, your manager would inquire about what was wrong and quietly escort you back to your desk while telling you, “It’s a numbers game, Doug. You make more sales when you make more calls. Don’t take it personally when you get rejected.” Then I usually got some encouragement and ignored it completely. After about six months of doing this, I started to look for another job. I had no faith in my ability to sell payroll services and I wanted to quit. In fact, it started to affect my feelings of self-worth and overall confidence as a person.

So, now you understand that my default tendency is to be pessimistic when the going gets tough. I am also an “intravert” (I spell it with an “a” because it signals that I get my energy from within), and guess who I tend to seek out when I’m troubled? That’s right, me. So, the spiraling down used to be pretty dramatic. I tell you this because being resilient is not so easy for me. I have been studying this concept for a long time and want to share what I have learned through the years with as many people as possible. In fact, I have spent the better part of the last 11 years finding new tools, tips, and methods for fighting through tough times and even thriving in them. Although I hesitate to refer to myself as an expert, I can tell you that I work at being more resilient every day. One day I might need to work on my flexibility while the next it is my optimistic thinking. Or, I could be spending so much time alone that I remember to re-engage in supportive relationships.

Learning about this did not happen overnight. It wasn’t until almost 11 years ago that I realized there were psychologists studying happiness, engagement, meaning, purpose, and resilience using the scientific method. In 2005, a Time magazine article featuring the research of Martin Seligman, Ed Diener, Richard Davidson, and Robert Emmons focused on “positive psychology.” They talked about happiness exercises and how they have been studying this for decades. Their research pointed to happiness and well-being as characteristics that were likely to lead to promotions at work, more satisfying relationships, less depression, and higher levels of achievement in school and sports.²

I read that edition of Time from cover to cover. I talked about it with everyone I could and bought several books on the subject. In short, I was hooked and (as my best friend would say) it almost became an obsession. For example, I started to practice gratitude when arriving home from work to help me transition from being a manager to being a husband and a dad. What I quickly realized, however, was that being happy and expressing gratitude only got you so far. It wasn’t always enough to help me cope with life’s ups and downs. And, this realization kick-started a more concerted effort to determine what makes some people resilient while others are less hardy and break down in the face of adversity.

Before exploring the concept of resilience, however, let’s come up with a common definition. When we ask workshop participants to throw out words that come to mind when they hear the word “resilience,” we routinely hear:

• Strong.

• Flexible.

• Agile.

• Bend but don’t break.

This discussion goes on for several minutes and we almost never escape the exercise without also hearing the words “bounce back.” In fact, Webster’s Dictionary offers the following as one of the definitions: “The ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.”³ An article that I read about resilience on Inc. magazine’s website defined it this way: “The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”⁴ When applying this definition to a psychological state of mind, we would say that resilient people are able to get back to “normal” after a divorce, being laid off from work, or even the death of a loved one. I do not disagree with this concept.

However, I offer up that resilience is much more than just bouncing back.

Bouncing back is critical but it does not tell the whole story. Bouncing back also implies that we return to our original shape. That is, we are supposed to be the same as we were before we were hit with adversity. My experience with resilient people is that they are never the same after effectively managing adversity. In some cases, resilient people experience a profound amount of growth and can be more empathic. And adversity can be linked to more psychological flexibility, more loving and caring behaviors, and can lead to more optimistic thinking.

When I consider the academic research and my own experiences combined with thousands of interactions with clients, friends, and family, it is easy for me to see that resilient people are not just capable of bouncing back in spite of adversity, they are stronger because of the adversities they faced and how they faced them.

Gwen Farley, an attorney for the state of New Jersey and mother of two teenagers, has been fighting to keep the environment safe for more than 10 years. When I asked Gwen if she was resilient, she quickly answered, “I am now! I really don’t think I was before.” For three years, Gwen helped her husband Marc fight a rare, deadly form of cancer that ended up claiming his life. She is adamant that her experience offered her no choice but to “stay strong” and “continue standing.” Of course, her love for Marc was a driving force, but so was the meaning and purpose she derived from caring for two children. What I have come to understand about resilience is that it is a much deeper, richer, and more complex construct than just bouncing back. Although Gwen would do almost anything to have Marc back, there is no doubt that she is stronger today.

Growth is an essential element of resilience. Resilient people learn from the situations they confront as well as the mistakes they make. They are then capable of taking that knowledge and changing their approach as opposed to saying, “Well, there was nothing I could do better.” Or, “It was inevitable.” Resilient people are able to listen to feedback from the environment and other people while owning their own development as human beings. They seek to improve. Not that all of them love receiving negative feedback but, in time, they are able to process the information in a way that allows them to grow.

Because they learn from their experiences, resilient people do not shy away from difficulties. They do not shrink from a challenge. In fact, when challenges are presented, those with an abundance of resilience can be motivated by what is in front of them. Instead of contemplating how bad their situation is, what could go wrong, and the consequences of the worst possible outcomes, they can reframe the scenario into a challenge or a game to test their abilities.

Jennifer, a manager at a Fortune 100 company, is a single mother to two kids with severe disabilities. When things get tough for her, she recalls a scene from one of my favorite Disney movies, Finding Nemo, in which Dory tells Marlin to “just keep swimming…just keep swimming.” Jennifer knows that after a first marriage to an alcoholic, dealing with several verbally abusive boyfriends, and raising two beautiful kids (now in their 20s), she just needs a little reminder from a children’s movie.

Another element that we see in most resilient people is the belief in their abilities. They have the confidence and a sense of hope that they can handle the situation in front of them. They are not overly optimistic, however. They know that they usually have the resources (including the help of others) to come through okay.

Jim, an elementary school teacher who focuses on writing skills with his students, almost never backs down from a challenge. He is routinely subjected to what seem like interrogations from highly educated, affluent parents in his school district. His methods are questioned. Grades are a point of argument and recommendations for remedial work are often met with skepticism. He is often asked to give his credentials as part of the rationalization. Instead of making it a battle, Jim empathizes with the parents because Jim is a parent himself. And, he tells himself that he is the expert in the room. He is the one who is qualified to teach the child and make recommendations. Jim listens to the parents’ recommendations and stands up for himself because of his years of experience in the classroom, his education, and his intuition.

Chang Liu (pronounced Chung Leo), director of library services in Loudoun County, Virginia, was born in China shortly after the Cultural Revolution led by Mao Zedong. When I listen to stories of Chang growing up in a one-room apartment and not having much in the way of material goods, it is not hard to think of how difficult life must have been under these conditions. She says it really wasn’t that bad because “everyone in China was poor back then.” Chang only tells me about this because I ask her specific questions. She is not burdened by her past, nor does she use it as an excuse when things do not go her way. Her face lights up when she talks about her family, and her life’s narrative gets really interesting when she shares the story of an English teacher who voluntarily got up at 5 a.m. to tutor her. This anecdote brings us to the last fragment of the definition: support and connection with other human beings.

Chang, and virtually everyone else I spoke with regarding the topic of resilience, pointed to other people when we discussed the sources of their resilience. In Chang’s case it was her mother and the teacher. In Gwen’s case, it was the connection with her kids and her incredibly supportive friends and family. On the contrary, one of the most iconic figures in the last 50 years may be the cause of the biggest myth associated with resilience: the belief that resilience is a characteristic of the individual alone. The Marlboro Man (part of a cigarette ad developed in the 1950s) is a lone cowboy toughing it out in wilderness conditions. However, the research is clear that we really do need close, supportive, intimate relationships with other human beings to thrive and be resilient. (Later, we will also discuss how resilience can be shared with or stolen from others.)

Another iconic figure, Steve Jobs (founder and former CEO of Apple), has received many accolades for his technological and business prowess. He was instrumental in many areas of the computer revolution. His achievements are unquestionable: Apple computers, the iP-hone, the iPod, the iPad, and iTunes, to name a few. He and Apple have truly changed the world, and not always for the better (we’ll talk about technology and resilience later). And many times, his business, marketing, and technological accomplishments required overcoming many difficult obstacles. Apple faced bankruptcy, his new product ideas were up against timelines that seemed impossible, and technical glitches constantly stressed the team.

Many would say that Jobs was resilient because of these things. I disagree with this notion. Jobs was brilliant and he did demonstrate the ability to bounce back, but he could be incredibly cruel in the process. Some of his employees were able to thrive under the pressure of his leadership, yet others wilted as he threw out insults, denied financial rewards, and ridiculed their hard work. Some close to him said he had some narcissistic tendencies that made him incredibly self-centered; this self-centeredness probably lowered his capacity to empathize with others. Yes, Jobs was focused on his goals and helped many reach untold levels of wealth and success, but he left a number of people in his wake.

Jobs is often lauded for his ability to imagine, design, and produce unbelievable products. (I’m writing this book on a MacBook Air!) He was wary of market research because he was creating technology that people did not yet know they needed. Many times, Jobs just knew he was right…until he wasn’t. For example, he hired John Scully to run Apple in the early 1980s. Scully later had Jobs fired and then tanked the company. Jobs originally said that only Apple could create apps for the iPhone. He later changed his mind after several months, but never admitted he was wrong. And, most importantly, when he was first diagnosed with cancer, he dismissed his doctors’ recommendations and pursued changes in his diet and other homeopathic options. His doctors recommended surgery almost immediately. Jobs spent almost six months experimenting as the cancer grew. There are some who say he would be alive today if he had simply recognized that he might be wrong and that there were other ways to look at solving this problem.

This is not a moral judgment of Jobs (or anyone). We all tend to exhibit resilient behaviors and we make our fair share of mistakes. Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte, in their book The Resilience Factor, write that “resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, learn from failure, be motivated by challenges and believe in your own abilities to deal with the stress and difficulties in life.”⁵ My addition to this definition is that resilient people create and sustain supportive, intimate, mutually beneficial relationships with those around them. (Too often, Jobs got what he needed from others while their needs were ignored.)

So, why write about resilience? Why is it so important now? First, resilience is a required ability in the pursuit of meaningful goals. Being a great parent, business person, or athlete forces us to continue on in the face of adversity. The parent is faced with a teenager who is...well, a teenager. The manager is given an almost impossible deadline to achieve. And the athlete faces tougher competition as she climbs the ladder, as well as injuries and fatigue. Almost anything worth pursuing is not going to be easy. It is the journey that we end up cherishing just as much as reaching the goal.

Resilience is not only valued in the pursuit of goals; this is the second and possibly most important reason for writing this book. Based on my objective and subjective view of our society, there is an enormous amount of stress, anxiety, sadness, and anger that seems to engulf us. To make matters worse, much of this is self-inflicted. Our fast-paced society is only making this worse.

For the last 50 years, sociologist John Robinson of the University of Maryland has been studying how people use their time. Although many of us feel busier than ever, when we actually start to track the 1,440 minutes in each day, we find that we are actually working less. People are starting to exaggerate how much they work, as it is now a badge of honor.⁶ So while we may be “at work” less, we are more connected. Work is on our minds, constantly.

Some studies show that when we are at work, we are switching tasks every three minutes on average.⁷ The impact of this is enormous. We never feel like we’re getting anything done, we are constantly being interrupted and restarting, and even though we make progress on a project after some deep thinking and using our wisdom and talents, the phone vibrates with the notification of a new email. We then read the email, make three decisions about how to handle a new obstacle, and then the phone rings or someone stops by our office. This cycle continues throughout the day, every day. And, once again, because we’re always connected with work, we have almost no time to relax and be with ourselves or loved ones. In fact, research shows that too much multi-tasking decreases the ability to solve problems and think in a flexible, agile way.

On top of all this task-switching (sometimes referred to as “multi-tasking”) is the constant threat of economic catastrophe. The Great Recession of a few years ago was certainly devastating. In 2008, almost a million families lost their homes, an 81 percent increase since the previous year. This number tripled in 2009 when three million lost their homes.⁸ And it was all over the news, day and night. People were (and still are) traumatized by losing homes, getting laid off, and not seeing a pay raise for years. A friend of mine worked for a high-tech company in New Jersey for six years. He estimates that the company had more than two dozen rounds of layoffs. His wife stayed at home with the kids and his income was all the family had to rely on. The stress of producing for fear of being laid off led to chest pains, lack of sleep, getting sick more often, and simply being “on edge” with the family.

I have a theory that we have evolved a new human emotion: overwhelmed. (This just happens to be the title of a great book by Brigid Schulte that chronicles our state of affairs in much greater detail.) Never in history has so much information been delivered to human beings on a regular basis. What used to take days, weeks, or months to reach us is now delivered instantly to our phones. As a result, the average American adult checks their phone every 6.5 minutes. The average teenager sends about 100 texts a day and most (almost 80 percent) sleep with their phones. As it turns out, all this electronic face time may not be so good for us. Although we think we’re keeping up with email, connecting with friends, and staying on top of our work and personal lives, it turns out that keeping up with everything might actually be keeping us down. Research shows that frequent multi-tasking with social media is associated with higher levels of depression and social anxiety.⁹

The engineers and marketing folks at Apple and Samsung promise us higher productivity, connectivity, and control. And, as much as I love my Samsung Note 3 (after two years, its capabilities still amaze me), I am not sure that it can follow through on any of those promises. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, writes that “resistance is the mind.”¹⁰ When we don’t give our minds a rest, we risk constant resistance. The phone has become an appendage that makes it much harder to rest the mind. Research by Daniel Gilbert and Matthew Killingsworth of Harvard University sheds even more light on the wandering mind. A study involving more than 2,000 volunteers reported that participants in the study were mind-wandering almost 47 percent of the time, which resulted in lower levels of happiness.¹¹ This is a fascinating statistic. Almost half of the time, people are not present. When we’re not present, we not only experience less happiness but we miss some important stuff.

I was at Disneyworld in March 2002 when the person I was with excused herself to go to the bathroom. I started to take it all in. The Magic Kingdom is one of my favorite places and I decided to simply be present. I noticed the smell of popcorn, the warmth of the sun on my face, and the Disney architecture that makes you feel like you’re in a movie. I was able to enjoy the moment. Then, I turned to look at Cinderella’s Castle only to see a beautiful little girl on a bench while her mom was banging away on the keyboard of her Blackberry. The two did not talk about what to eat for their next snack, the beautiful weather, or the height of the castle. The moment for that mother was lost forever. Little did I know that Mr. Jobs would make these devices even more addictive in less than five years....

Enter Sherry Turkle, director of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self. Turkle has been studying the impact of technology on human beings for more than 30 years. In her most recent book, Reclaiming Conversation, she writes about the “subjective side” of people’s relationships with technology. She wanted to explore the following statement: “It’s just easier to send a text.” What she found was fairly disturbing. Among other things, she discovered that college students are showing a 40 percent drop in empathy in recent years, which she claims is a result of too much electronic communication and not enough face-to-face conversation. Turkle also explored the effect of “always on” devices, such as your smartphone, and found that they are having an adverse impact on romantic relationships, family connections, work, and education. She describes online dating as “friction free.” If you are not interested in someone you meet online, you simply don’t reply to him or her. Through many hours of interviews, she cites examples of parents focused on their phones at dinner time or taking pictures of the family and posting them on Facebook.¹² Finally, the mere presence of a phone or laptop can inhibit learning and conversation. How often is a phone sitting on the table when you meet a friend for lunch?

Another study published by the Pew Research Center in 2015 demonstrated several interesting findings:

• 31 percent of cell phone owners never turn their phones off.

• 45 percent said they rarely turn them off.

• 89 percent said that they used their phones during the most recent social gathering they attended.

• 76 percent of cell phone users between the ages of 18 and 29 use their phones in public for “no particular reason.”¹³

We pull out our phones in line at Starbucks because we can’t stand idle for five minutes without checking email, the weather, the news, or what our “friends” are doing on Facebook. As Turkle writes, we have lost the ability to be bored. Boredom is simply a signal to look within ourselves for something interesting. In one particular study, participants resorted to administering mild electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Now, when I’m in line at Starbucks, I look around. I make eye contact with people or I strike up a conversation with the person behind me. When my kids say they are bored, I reply with, “That’s great news!” to which they respond by rolling their eyes and walking away.

In short, we are exposed to massive amounts of information on a daily basis and we crave these “hits” of information like a drug addict craves a “hit” of his favorite drug. We are constantly reminded of things we need to get done at work and at home. In addition, we’re spending more time on mobile devices thinking we’re more connected to friends and family, yet the data says otherwise. As a result, I believe this can sap our resilience and make it harder to deal with the nicks and cuts that occur every day. At its worst, information overload makes everything look like an emergency. At best, it forces us to make dozens (if not hundreds) of decisions that drain our energy. Diverting your attention to a screen to see who “liked” a picture of an ice skating cat draws you away from your 10-year-old son, who craves your attention.

Current Trends

When I was a kid back in the 1970s and 80s, my parents bought me a subscription to Sports Illustrated. Several times a year, there would be an offer to buy posters. On the offer page, there were thumbnail pictures of Roger Staubach, Terry Bradshaw, and other well-known sports figures. Halfway down the page was a dotted line (this is where you were supposed to cut the page) and below that was a form where you filled in which posters you wanted, the total amount (yes, you had to calculate this yourself), and your mailing address. Just below the form was some text that read: “Please allow 8 to 12 weeks for delivery.” Not “8 to 12 hours” and not “8 to 12 days.” Can you imagine how people would react with that kind of message today? I wouldn’t want to be the marketing manager who was on the hook for that product. Today, if we want a song or an app to entertain our kids in the car, it takes almost no effort and about 30 seconds to have the newest song from Adele or the latest version of Angry Birds.

Some other thoughts to consider: Forty years ago, almost two-thirds of kids walked to school. Today, that number is down to a paltry 10 percent. Why? Is it a shortage of resilience? Not really. Parents are afraid to let their kids walk to school for fear of being hit by a car or being abducted. (Too bad our parents didn’t love us this much.) And, we’re wealthier than ever. Even adjusting income since 1970, families are making more money. I would argue that, overall, we have more material wealth than any society in history at any point in time.

So what? This is progress, right? In The Upside of Your Dark Side by Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener, it suggests that we have an “epidemic of comfort.”¹⁴ I couldn’t agree more. Things are easier in many ways. And, when things are easier, we get upset at the smallest inconvenience. Our expectations of everything getting to us quickly and meeting our standards are virtually impossible. The new technologies that marketers want us to buy claim to make our lives easier, but is this really good for us? If we’re with a group of friends and we’re talking about a certain movie fact are we better off looking it up on our phones or talking about it? What do we gain from getting a product in 48 hours versus learning how to anticipate the arrival over several weeks then savoring the moment it comes in the mail? Today’s engineers are hyper-focused on making our lives easier but are they considering the impact on society?

The other price that we pay for all this convenience is a much faster pace of living. Although we consistently use the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) as a measuring stick for the overall health of an economy and its society, this is not necessarily the best indicator of well-being. In fact, higher GDP, as you could imagine, is associated with faster living. Faster living, in turn, is related to things like more energy consumption. When we have more disposable income we tend to buy bigger refrigerators, bigger houses, more electronics, and bigger cars. All of these, of course, consume more energy. In addition, higher GDP may be ratcheting down our ability to engage in self-control. Societies with a faster pace of living are shown to have higher rates of death from coronary heart disease and higher smoking rates. They also have lower rates of achievement and they save less money.

The point of this research with regard to resilience is two-fold. First, we see that greater wealth does help us achieve more comfort, but it comes with a price. We end up having less self-control and maybe not taking care of ourselves as well as when we’re climbing the economic ladder. The second point is that our expectations begin to exceed reality. Life’s pace quickens but we expect things to get easier. Because we have more stuff and we’re engaged in more activities, more can go wrong. It’s inevitable, but our expectations don’t seem to change and we are disappointed more often.

As I am writing this, we just experienced the largest single snowfall in Northern Virginia in 20 years. We were pounded with almost three feet of snow in just 24 hours. Schools were closed for a week. People couldn’t get to work.

Yes, things were difficult but we didn’t lose electricity. No one was going to starve or freeze to death. Yet, my neighbors were livid that our street took so long to be plowed. Once it was plowed, they complained about how long it took and that the plows did a terrible job. No one realized that our county didn’t have the resources to deal with such a spectacular storm and that everyone (including those driving the plows!) was inconvenienced.

According to some psychologists, our emotions have evolved through time to help our species adapt to the environment and survive to create more little human beings. For instance, when we’re embarrassed, it is a signal to us that we may have lost our standing with the group. This was incredibly dangerous to our ancestors. Being shunned from the group meant almost certain death. The group provided food and protection from dangerous animals and rival groups. On the other hand, happiness is a signal that we are safe. When we experience safety, we can relax and be less vigilant. But there is a price to pay. We are also less motivated. If we have what we want, why strive for more?

Every one of the resilient people who were interviewed for this book either came from humble beginnings and/or experienced a fair amount of adversity at one point in their lives to help them stay motivated to make things better. Our school teacher from New Jersey, Jim, experienced loss early in life when his parents split up. This was a financial hit for the family, as it is for most people who experience divorce, and Jim had to pay for just about anything he wanted, such as a car, gas for the car, clothes, and so on. Almost nothing was easy for him growing up, especially since he lived in a wealthy community and most of his friends wanted for little.

Chang’s family barely had enough money for one new dress for her a year. Her mom didn’t just buy her a dress, as that would cost too much. Chang’s mother would buy the nicest cloth she could find and then sew it by hand, saving every little penny she could. Chang told me that when her mother would give her the dress, she felt like “the best dressed kid in the neighborhood.” In the summer, her mother would take her for ice cream, once a week, but her mother never ate. She just sat and talked with her daughter. It was only later that Chang understood that her mother couldn’t afford ice cream for both of them.

Jennifer had a great childhood and likes to recall how her father was “almost gushing about how fabulous” she was at everything. Unfortunately, Jennifer’s mother passed away at an early age, but her dad was always there for her. After college, Jennifer met a nice guy, got married, and had two beautiful children. Nice story, right? It turns out that Jennifer’s first husband was an abusive alcoholic and her kids have a rare genetic disorder called Pelizaeus-Merzbacher Disease (PMD). Her kids’ bodies do not form something called myelin, a covering that protects nerves and assists in the transmission of nerve impulses. People with PMD have limited or no ability to walk. They may not be able to talk, as well. Most of those affected are boys, but Jennifer’s son and daughter both inherited PMD. Jennifer left her first husband and raised her kids on her own until remarrying just a couple of years ago.

And then there is Marilyn Frazier of Massillon, Ohio. Marilyn is also a single mother who raised three kids after a divorce. As the divorce was being finalized, she took a secretarial job for the city of Massillon. Marilyn demanded good grades from her kids and told them that a good education was the one sure way to be financially independent and secure. If you didn’t get a 3.0 grade point average in Marilyn’s house, there were consequences. In the end, all three kids went to excellent universities and two of the three went on to earn graduate degrees. When the kids were in college and Marilyn’s daily parenting responsibilities slowed down, she went back to college at a state university and earned her bachelor’s degree in sociology. Just recently, she retired as the head of housing authority for the city of Massillon.

I am not suggesting that you invent some adversity to improve your resilience, of course. I am asking you to consider reframing that which life throws at you into learning experiences and opportunities for growth and achievement. Jennifer, Jim, Chung, Marilyn, and Gwen are all stronger because of what they faced, not in spite of what they faced.

Ran Zilca, author of The Ride of Your Life, decided to buy a motorcycle, get his license to drive it, and then take it across the United States. Along the way, he interviewed a handful of self-improvement gurus and psychologists to get their take on happiness and the meaning of life. Ran did his best to prepare for bad weather, being away from his family, and getting lost. But, it was still very hard. Rain made driving very dangerous and missing his family seemed to be the worst part of it. It was agonizing for him to miss his son’s birthday and not be there to help while his wife dealt with issues regarding her business. In the end, however, he knew that taking the ride was an important journey for him and he (and his family) would benefit from what he learned. In fact, because it was hard, it was more meaningful than he had ever hoped it would be.¹⁵

I asked Jennifer what really tested her resilience. She paused and said that she handles the “big things” pretty well. Then she talked about how when the “easy stuff is hard,” that’s when she can break down, lose her temper, or need a moment alone. She has helped her son into his wheelchair countless times, but every once in a while it is a difficult task. It’s times like this when she just stops and says, “Are you freaking kidding me?” Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.....

Another issue draining our resilience is the idea of balance. Companies are instituting polices to help employees with “work-life balance.” These policies include working from home, flex hours, and company-funded gym memberships, to name a few. The problem is that today’s employee is more fearful of losing his job than ever before and making time for the gym is not an option when he is doing the work of two or three people in today’s downsized corporations. Working from home simply adds more hours to the work day without a commute. When the kids get home from school, it’s even more stressful.

One well-known organization eschews the term “work-life balance.” Instead, the employees at this successful organization talk about work-life flexibility. The employees are encouraged to be proactive with making arrangements that allow them to get their work done and fulfill their family obligations, make time for their hobbies and build a meaningful life outside the firm. It is not always easy and it is sometimes met with skepticism, but there are people at the highest levels of the organization who are making it work. One executive I know never misses a ski weekend as he literally takes conference calls from the ski lift. Another executive coaches three youth league baseball teams while running his multi-million dollar part of the business. It takes a lot of planning and coordination with his staff and his family, but he feels it’s worth it.

What do these people know that we don’t? Just ask Marilyn Frazier. As Marilyn began to tell her kids about the importance of education, she realized that to secure her own financial future, she needed to get her bachelor’s degree as well. For one whole year, she worked a full-time job, took classes from a state university at a local campus, and managed the house all on her own. Then, the kids started to play sports and participate in other extracurricular activities. Marilyn had plenty of friends in the area but she knew that she had to do the majority of driving to make this work. So she put college off until her kids went off to college. She said it wasn’t a difficult decision because Marilyn knew what was important to her. She understood and had prioritized her most coveted values. For her, helping her kids succeed was her number-one priority.

Ann-Marie Slaughter is currently the Bert G. Kerstetter University Professor Emerita of Politics and International Affairs at Princeton University. From 2009 to 2011 she served as Director of Policy Planning for the United States Department of State. She was the first woman to hold that position. After two years at her “dream job,” she quit. It turns out that she could not find balance in her work and personal lives. The position at Princeton offered her more flexibility and allowed her to pay more attention to her family. She recently published a book entitled Unfinished Business, which is an attempt to argue for better day care funding so that more women can enter the workforce while their kids receive the care they deserve.¹⁶ What I think is sometimes lost in discussions about Slaughter is the courage that she exhibited to make a difficult decision and leave a dream job. In short, she knew what was important to her (family) and she has not looked back.

In addition to our epidemic of comfort, technology that keeps us “always on,” and taking on more than we can handle, there is one more thing contributing to our hectic lives: choice. Economic and technological progress has brought us an unprecedented amount of choice to our lives. And, according to Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, all this choice is making it harder for us to make decisions, which is actually sapping our resilience.¹⁷

Schwartz believes that most or all of us fall into one of two categories when we make an important choice. The first category is what he calls Maximizers. People in this group go to great lengths to make the best objective choice possible. The objective of a particular choice might be, for instance, the lowest price for the product they want. They tend to agonize over their decisions. The second category is called Satisficers. People in this group tend to make decisions very quickly because they set up parameters for the decisions that make it easier. Keep in mind that we are all Satisficers and Maximizers at times. But, for big decisions, we usually go one way or the other.

An example of how this might play out can be easily explained when we imagine two people buying a car. Our Maximizer might create accounts on several car-buying sites, spend an extraordinary amount of time researching the value of his trade-in, and he will reach out to dealerships within a two-hour drive. Our Satisficer might simply say I am going to call the three closest car dealers, ask for the best deal they can give, and just go with the lowest price. On average, Schwartz found that our Maximizer was much more likely to get the objectively better deal but (and here’s the real interesting point) he will be less satisfied with the deal. It turns out that the Maximizer buys his car but continues to think about how if he had just talked to one more dealership he might have shaved off another $100 on the price. He may also second-guess the service plan, delivery options, and anything else that he felt could have sweetened the deal. The Satisficer, on the other hand picks up her car and values it for the handling, the new car smell, and is happy that she got a fair deal. She does not necessarily settle for mediocrity; once her criteria are met, she takes action. In this case, she pulls the trigger on buying the car.

Not only is our Satisficer happier with the deal on the new car, she is happier overall. Why would a decision-making tendency have this big of an impact on a person’s well-being? My theory is that this is adding to our busy, cluttered lives. We’re overwhelmed by our to-do lists and our schedules. Maximizing a decision can take time away from areas of our lives that bring us more value such as family, exercise, friends, and even our careers. But it is the mental burden of constantly trying to make the “perfect” choice that really comes into play. Brigid Schulte’s research into why working mothers feel so overwhelmed even when their husbands volunteer to make dinner stems from a question their well-intentioned partners are inclined to ask: “What should we have?”¹⁸ It turns out that actually making dinner is not really the hard part. But when you add the burden of coming up with a menu that everyone will like, figuring out if you have the right ingredients, determining how long it will take to cook, and then assessing if it’s healthy is what drives up anxiety and stress. And, so it is with agonizing over a decision; it’s just stressful.

The other element that maximizing seems to bring out in people is social comparison. The theory is that those who constantly compare themselves to those around them are never satisfied. When we determine our social worth and self-worth through comparison we set ourselves up for failure. On a planet of more than seven billion people, there is almost always going to be someone more athletic, smarter, and better looking than you. Those who engage in too much social comparison will feel bad about themselves when they can’t afford the nice car that their neighbor just bought or they won’t really be able to enjoy the beach house of their friend because they want one of their own. Social comparison is not just for Maximizers, but they are more likely to look for proof of their self-worth in others¹⁹.

Barry Schwartz published The Paradox of Choice in 2006. Since then, we have witnessed the introduction and mass appeal of the smart-phone, which has put almost infinite choices at our fingertips. Imagine for a second that one of your New Year’s resolutions is to be more organized. You want to stop forgetting things and be more productive this upcoming year and beyond. So, you go to the app store on your phone and do a search for a “to-do list.” It’s overwhelming (there’s that word again). There are hundreds of choices and only a couple of ways to distinguish good from bad on the surface. Or maybe you want to brush up on your management skills, so you head over to Amazon.com and type in “management” at the top of the page and get more than half a million choices. Good luck with that one....

In the chapters ahead, we’ll talk about five and a half skills (not half a million) that you can address to cope with and thrive in today’s overwhelming, stressful, and anxious world in which we are bombarded with information constantly. One thing I ask you to consider as you read on is that these are not the five secrets of resilience. These are simply five areas that I believe can have a great deal of positive impact on your life. I believe this based on the research of the last 40 years and based on my experiences both personally and professionally. The next section will prepare you for change and give you some tips on how to prepare for the journey.

Take It or Leave It

• Take it from an introverted, pessimistic-thinking author: If I can be more resilient, so can you. Be honest with yourself, ask for feedback, and make the effort.

• There are scientists who have been studying happiness, well-being, resilience, and other areas of “positive psychology” for more than 40 years. Don’t take my word for it. Do some research and go back to being a student.

• Remember that the type of resilience we’re talking about is a rich and deep concept that enables you to flourish. While bouncing back is a key part of the definition, resilient people are also good at learning from their mishaps and finding motivation in big and small adversities. They know how to make deep, intimate connections with other people.

• While some people may be naturally resilient, others learned how to believe in themselves, take on new challenges, and bounce back over time. The resilient people interviewed for this book all dealt with major adversity and challenges to strengthen their abilities.

• It’s not easy being resilient in today’s world of “always on” smartphones, economic uncertainty, and social comparison. Give yourself a break and recognize that you are already resilient and you can build this muscle with a little time and effort.

• Remember that progress and achievement are good, but they come with a cost. Our “epidemic of comfort” may just be making us less resilient. Consider how your expectations are affecting your reactions to life’s little disappointments. And think about how making something easier may not always be what’s best for you, your family, your kids, or your employees. Instead of scooping out pre-made cookies on an aluminum pan, make them from scratch.

• This new emotion of being overwhelmed is simply a sign to slow down and reconsider your priorities. Yes, making more money, having your kids get good grades, making a travel sports team, and getting promoted are all important. What I ask you to consider, however, is that they are not all equally important. Sit down and map out your top five to 10 priorities. Only one item can be the most important.

• Think about some of the bigger choices that you have to make and consider the research of Barry Schwartz. Are you generally a Maximizer or a Satisficer? Remember the consequences of trying to make the “perfect” decision. It’s exhausting and actually leads to lower levels of well-being and even lower levels of satisfaction with decisions (even though Maximizers make objectively better decisions).