Conclusion
Parting Thoughts

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

—WINSTON CHURCHILL

Imagine a life with no stress, no anxiety, no sadness, no deadlines, and no adversity. All of your relationships are in great shape. Your health is absolutely perfect and money is not an issue. Sometimes I imagine winning the lottery or selling so many books that my financial future is completely secure. When life is a little tougher than usual, it’s easy to drift off into this fantasy. Eventually, however, I realize that life is so much richer and more meaningful with the challenges that we face every day. Of course, it’s nice to get a break every once in a while from difficulty. Winning and getting your way are the fruits of our hard labor.

Instead of comfort and ease, I urge you to imagine a life in which you are continuously tested; a life with ups and downs, victories and failures. Imagine a life in which you create and maintain close, supportive, intimate relationships and others help you bounce back and learn. Keep in mind that the only way to truly know if you are resilient is to be tested. And it’s important to understand that you will be continuously tested. The good news is that you are already resilient. Of course I don’t know you, but I do believe that everyone has the capacity to be resilient. The trick is to keep your sanity on the way to discovering this about yourself.

I used to visit my grandfather in the nursing home and he would say to me, “Douglas, I wish you all the luck in the world.” It always made me feel good (and maybe that’s why I feel so lucky). And for much of my life I have been focused on being successful financially, physically, emotionally, and any other way you can measure success. But please don’t equate resilience with success. Some people are just plain lucky. Some are good and make their mark when luck presents itself. And, some sacrifice emotional and physical well-being for a life that measures success in dollars, cars, the size of a house, or even how many they count as friends, instead of being intimate with a few.

The basic point is that being “resilient” does not guarantee success in these other areas of your life. Being resilient does not bring a promise of financial success. It does not assure you that your relationships will be fruitful or that you will get the promotion at work that you have been striving toward for the last two years. Resilience can bring something greater: peace of mind that you have done your best and you can live your life according to your most deeply held values.

I have spoken with multiple, qualified psychologists about resilience and about how to measure it. Although there are assessments that probably do provide some interesting feedback, we are in agreement that no one has cracked the code on how to measure it yet. I chose to interview “resilient” people based on my subjective judgment of them. And so it is with you; you will know when you’re being resilient and when you’re not. You’ll know when you’re making progress and when you’re regressing. Treat all of it like learning and you will be better off.

As we have seen in each of the five skills of resilience presented in this book, too much of a good thing can lead to poor results.

• Flexibility. There are times when our ability to see the situation from multiple points of view can paralyze us.

• Optimism. When we’re overly optimistic, we fail to see the warning signs of impending risks and we end up unprepared and devastated.

• Curiosity. The thirst for information and knowledge can lead us away from doing, experimenting, and achieving. The human brain benefits from times when it is mindless.

• Uplifting. Too much positivity tells us that everything is okay and lowers our motivation to improve and strive for greater heights.

• Support. Never being alone and focusing on the number of friends can actually make us lonely and dependent. Too much attention on developing and maintaining relationships leaves no room for us as individuals.

But, what about resilience? Can you have too much of something that is so essential to survival and a meaningful life? I believe the answer is yes. Feeling the pain of life’s ups and downs is uniquely human. Striving for perfection is unrealistic. It’s dangerous and it robs us of opportunities to learn. We learn about our resilience. We gain tremendous amounts of confidence and build our self-efficacy when we overcome obstacles and act in resilient ways. Of course, we value the opinions of loved ones, bosses, coaches, and teachers. But the opinion that matters most is your own.

My group of resilient people see the space as well. I asked each of them the following question: If you were only able to give others just ONE piece of advice to be more resilient, what would it be?

Here is what they said:

• Jennifer (corporate training professional): “Don’t hold on to the negative; let it go!”

• Daniel Porter: “Understand that struggle is the force nature exerts to create beauty and meaning. Resilience is the ability to embrace the forces railing against us to produce the meaning lying within us.”

• Joe Valerio: “I feel resilience is best experienced when there is a known support group that you have confidence will be there for you in times of failure, trouble, and success. Therefore, ensure that you have built relationships with those who you can count on so you can try new things and experience lessons in failure knowing someone has your back.”

• Marilyn Frazier: “I would have to say, remember, ‘this too shall pass!’ Difficult situations and circumstances may arise, but they don’t have to define who we are. We should continue to plan and prepare for a better future in spite of such occurrences. As I have said before, prayer and meditation helped me remain focused on a positive future! Everyone has to find what works for them.”

• Chang Liu: “Be relentlessly positive and surround yourself with people who bring joy to your life!”

• Gwen Farley: “Just keep moving forward.”

• Jim (elementary school teacher): ”My advice is about recognizing the need for resilience for the long haul and not just for the present. For previous generations, it seems that if you worked hard during your life then you would be granted a time in your life where you could relax and enjoy the fruits of your labors. I think this generation needs to think about the possibility that we are going to need to be more resilient than ever before and not just for the next 10 or 20 years. We need to be resilient for good, for the long haul.”

• Marco Moreno: “Grand Master Rorion Gracie says: ‘Self-defense is not just a set of techniques; it’s a state of mind and it begins with the belief that you are worth defending.’ Along these lines, I think to be more resilient the person has to start with the realization that he/she is worth fighting for.”

Any book or person that promises you the one and only path to happiness, resilience, and success is selling you something that does not exist. I hope you made some notes in this book and that you find a way to incorporate some of the content to help you lead a more resilient life.

As I approached the end of the book, I paused to think about how it would end. What last piece of advice or concept could I share to get you on your way? I paused for a couple of days to distance myself from it and allow it to come to me when it was ready to reveal itself.

As my oldest son and I were leaving a very productive jiu-jitsu class, I remembered a saying that the students in our school like to share with each other. So, I asked my son, “Do you know what a black belt is in jiu-jitsu?”

Right on cue he answered, “A black belt is just a white belt who didn’t give up.”

As we have discussed, the right choice for you at a certain time might be quitting. The real thought behind the black belt saying is to keep showing up, keep breathing, keep swimming. You are already a black belt, it’s just a matter of time until you see it in yourself.