The Third Key
STRIKE A POSE AND EMBODY YOUR POWER
“When I’m feeling a little low, I put on my favorite high heels to stand a little taller.”
—Dolly Parton
Say the words “strike a pose” and the first thing that comes to mind is Madonna’s 1990 number one dance hit “Vogue.” What most people don’t know is that Madonna borrowed (or stole, depending on your point of view) the idea of “voguing,” a highly stylized house dance, from black drag queens in Harlem. In the nightclubs, the drag queens mimicked the rich, glamorous white women who strutted down Fifth Avenue and posed as models in magazines. They used intricate hand movements and exaggerated poses to tell stories of how they dressed in drag, applied makeup, put on stockings, and styled their hair. Full of these glamorous poses, the dance was called “vogue,” after the well-known fashion magazine. Many dancing drag queens today use some form of voguing in their performances. The more current form of voguing involves spins, dips, duckwalks, and the death drop.
Whether they’re voguing during a dance number or just standing in one place lip-syncing a dramatic ballad, drag queens radiate fierceness onstage by using powerful body positions that demand all eyes on them. From the moment a queen steps onstage she owns the place. Body positions and movements can increase feelings of power and confidence, and the rest of us can vogue in everyday ways by putting our bodies into higher power posture positions.
Are you ready to learn how changing your movements changes your ability to take risks? Are you ready to overcome your fear of owning your sexuality? Ready to use your body to become more confident in your everyday life? And to incorporate drag movements into your work, your social life, and even your exercise routine? Then let’s do it!
Petrified in Pasties at Burlesque Class
When I (Jackie) first decided to do drag, I knew there would be a lot to learn. I don’t have a background in acting, theater, or dance. I decided I would have to put myself through my own “drag boot camp.” Drag queens are experts at seducing a crowd. This really scared me, because I’ve never considered myself a sexy person. As I’ve said, I was a computer science major and worked at IBM for over a decade, so I feel like I’m a bit of a dorky nerd. I’m goofy, not seductive. I’ve never really tapped into that sexy side of myself, and on the few occasions when I’ve tried to, I’ve felt like an idiot. Lady Trinity is supposed to be sexy and sensual, and so I thought the best way to learn how to express this was to do one of the scariest things I have ever done: take a six-week burlesque class.
I was incredibly apprehensive about going to the first class. I remember thinking when I got to the studio: “Are you insane? Why the hell would you sign up for a class where you have to strip down to pasties?” I was so nervous that I screwed up the time of the class and got there two hours early. The front-desk person at the dance studio suggested that I could fill the time at the restaurant next door and grab a drink. Yes! That was exactly what I needed—alcohol! Maybe it would help calm my nerves. Two glasses of red wine later I showed up back at the dance studio, ready to whip those clothes off! Well, not really.
Our instructor was a woman named Wendy Sanders, aka Ginger Snaps when she performs in burlesque. Wendy is a thirty-four-year-old vivacious, buxom redhead and immediately commands a room, whether her clothes are on or off. There were six women in the class, and Wendy suggested that we sit down on the floor, have everyone introduce themselves, and tell why we were taking the class. I could see that some in the group were already self-conscious. It was interesting to hear why these women were there. Most were in their thirties and mentioned wanting to tap into their sexiness for their boyfriends or husbands. One pretty petite young woman who looked to be around twenty-three—let’s call her Lacey—excitedly explained: “I take other dance classes here, and I thought ‘Ooh, burlesque seemed like it would be fun. So I thought I would take this!’ ” I envied Lacey her cheerful, nonchalant confidence in tackling this thing that I was actually petrified to try.
Then it was my turn to say why I was there, and I sheepishly explained, “Well, I’m studying to be a drag queen.” I could see the looks on the others’ faces, which was mostly “Um, what the what?” I explained I was writing a book on drag and felt that in order to write the book properly, I should do drag myself. Crickets. The silence added to my feelings of insecurity because I wasn’t sure what they thought about my explanation.
Wendy had us stand up and start learning some basic burlesque poses and moves. They did not come naturally to me at all. One move was to stand with your back to the mirror, then turn and pose toward the mirror, all the while running your hands up your body, real sexy-like. We all tried this move, and I felt like a fool doing it. Meanwhile, Miss Lacey was next to me exclaiming in her girlish voice, “Oh, this is so fun!” With her flirtatious, ruby-red Mary Jane heels, short black pixie hair, porcelain skin, and red lips, she was gazing at herself in the mirror, pouring on the sex appeal, and looking just like a pinup model. I was now full-on jealous of Lacey, with shades of irritation. Every perky word she said was like nails on a blackboard. The more she exuded this unabashed sexuality, the more I felt inferior to her. This was exasperating, because I hate not being good at things. I hadn’t come to terms with the fact that this isn’t my strong point, so I was being hard on Lacey and extra hard on myself.
Playing the role of a sensual tease is miles away from anything I’ve ever experienced. I think perhaps it’s because when I was growing up I saw my mother constantly push my dad’s playful kisses and hugs away, which taught me to keep people at bay, especially men. So outwardly showing sensuality and vulnerability is very hard for me, a real struggle. (With that in mind, let’s all take a moment of silence to acknowledge my poor, poor exes and the struggle it must have been for them too. Amen.) I managed to finish the class despite all of this, walked back to my car, and just sat there behind the wheel thinking, “How am I going to do five more weeks of this? It’s only going to get worse.” First, I couldn’t believe I was arguing with myself about this in the car. And second, I was writing a book about fierce drag queens and self-confidence but was afraid of a little public sexiness? Oh hell, I was studying to be a drag queen. Well, then, what would a drag queen do right now? What Would a Drag Queen Do?
“What Would a Drag Queen Do?”
I thought about the advice I had gotten from Courtney Act, an international drag star, pop singer, and former Australian Idol semifinalist. She’d told me: “Whenever you’ve got a fear about something, it’s not really real. It’s your perception of how other people are going to react about how you think about yourself, in relation to the external world. Anytime that you have a fear, I think that is a sign for you to focus on it and understand why this fear of [yours] is something that is holding [you] back, because fears obviously hold you back. I think my advice for you [getting through the fear of something], is to do it and enjoy it. Why not?”1
So I took Courtney’s advice and went back to that damn class. I made it through all the rest of the classes, but it wasn’t easy. One of the hardest was learning how to twirl nipple tassels. I’ll never forget when Wendy announced at the beginning of class, “OK, tops and bras off! Let’s get those pasties on, ladies!” as she unceremoniously whipped off her shirt and bra. For the uninitiated, pasties are small cloth patches that are stuck on a person’s breasts to cover the nipples and areolae. Long fringed tassels are attached to each pastie. As I mentioned earlier, Wendy is a full-figured beauty. When that bra came flying off, she was just standing there, exposed in all her glory, with boobs as big as your head. It was inspiring to see Wendy so fearless about her body. I thought to myself, “Oh my God, look at her, she’s not insecure at all. She’s living for it! Why can’t I be this unselfconscious?” I wanted to be as strong and liberated as she was. So I did something I’d never done before: I commanded myself to take action in spite of my fears. And that’s where I found liberation. I silently yelled at myself: “Fuck that shit. If she can do that, I can do this. So take off the bra, and stick on the pasties, Jackie!”
Slowly, five out of the six of us in the class did as we were told and removed our shirts (one gal left her bra on). Wendy lent us all multicolored sequined and/or beaded pasties with string tassels affixed and showed us how to use double-stick tape to stick them onto our own breasts. Apparently the nipple tassel twirl is not as easy as you might think. Getting those suckers to twirl involves trying different techniques: bouncing up and down on one’s toes or doing the back-and-forth shoulder shimmy. There is something about standing there half-naked, boobs a-bouncing, watching the tassels go round and round in the mirror that brings on uncontrollable laughter. Try it for yourself and see what happens. You’ll crack yourself up as much as we did.
Perhaps most daunting of all, each of us had to put together a striptease performance as graduation from our final class, including picking a burlesque stage name. Of course I used Lady Trinity. This burlesque performance was to be the first “outing” of a version of Lady Trinity, but luckily it would be performed only for the small audience of my instructor and five classmates. I choreographed a Marilyn Manson song titled “Ka-Boom Ka-Boom,” complete with sexy poses, shimmies, and glove reveals that finally culminated in wearing vinyl boy shorts, fishnets, high-heeled boots, and nothing above the waist but the custom leather pasties I’d gotten from Etsy.com.
Performing for my class was one of the hardest things I’d done up to this point. Only three of the students including me even made it to the final class; maybe the rest were too scared to show up. One shy classmate performed her routine without ever removing a stitch of clothing. Who was the other student who made it to the final class? You guessed it: the personification of my insecurity, Miss Lacey, who, of course, killed it in her performance.
When it was my turn, I remember the music starting and just repeating to myself, “You can do this . . . you can do this.” It was all a blur afterward, but I think I hit my choreography, and Wendy and my classmates were kind enough to whoop and holler during my performance. I had someone record a video of it, but to this day I can’t bring myself to watch it. Yet I remember feeling victorious! If I could do a burlesque routine and strip down to pasties, then I could do anything! I felt much more comfortable and confident with my body after going through this experience. It really was a great preparation for forthcoming drag performances where my outfits would be a bit skimpy. What I learned is that the best way to get over something you are afraid of is to just try it.
Backup Dancers Make You Feel Like Beyoncé
Most queens in the clubs come out solo, lip-syncing a song. If they are comedic, they may use props. If they are good dancers, you may see a split or a death drop. Or they may be really good at interacting with a crowd. As a woman doing drag, I wanted to be more theatrical and more over-the-top than what I saw most of my local drag queens do. So I decided that I would always have backup dancers. I’ve never had formal dance training and just picked up choreographed dance moves from watching videos on MTV as a kid. I made it on to the drill team in high school—like the Rockettes but with pom-poms—and that was my last real dancing type of performance. Hello 1983! Drag queens who compete in pageants sometimes have elaborate dance numbers complete with backup dancers, so it’s not unheard of in the world of drag. It’s just not that common. Plus, if I’m going to be really honest here, at least I wouldn’t be out there on the stage all by myself.
For my first set of performances, I was going to be a guest in the top drag show in Austin that is hosted by my drag mother, Kelly Kline. The show was at Oil Can Harry’s, and I’d be performing with a cast of seasoned local queens. For the first show, I found a playwright/actor/director in Austin named Bastion Carboni to conceive and direct it. Bastion also dabbled in drag as his slutty, meth-thin, politically sardonic alter ego, Pilar Salt. I decided to use the song “Amazing” by the electro pop duo Hi Fashion. The song is a perfect anthem for knowing you are fantastic and not caring at all what others think of you. Here’s a bit of the lyrics:
I don’t care if you don’t like my hair
Because I know it’s amazing.
And I don’t give a damn if you don’t like my tan
Because I know it’s amazing.
And I don’t give two hoots if you don’t like my boots
Because I know they’re amazing.
And I don’t give a shit if you don’t like my tits
Because I know they’re amazing.2
Bastion and I conceived the number with Lady Trinity playing a dominatrix-type role with her two backup dancers acting as her submissives. Besides dancing behind her, the dancers, at one point in the song, got down on all fours and formed a chair for her to sit and then lie on, while she continued lip-syncing. I have to say it felt really powerful to realize that these dancers were going to be my playthings. (On the stage only, people! Get your mind out of the gutter.) When we actually performed the number, I tried really hard to think of myself as this powerful bitch of a woman who was in complete control of herself, what was happening on stage, and two hot male dancers. What really helped me to inhabit this character were the wig and costume, very similar to what I had worn in my Lady Trinity photo shoot. By the time I got this whole getup on, I felt like the baddest bitch in the room. And the submissiveness of the dancers just fed into this feeling of being powerful. The key to the performance is radiating that power through your body at all times, whether you are moving or standing still. Shoulders back, tits out, fierce eyes and facial expressions. Drag is about standing in the limelight and completely owning your own power.
For my second performance on a different night, I wanted to push myself to do something even bigger. So instead of two backup dancers, I got four! My song selection was the dance hit “Smack You” by Kimberly Cole. While I can’t identify with, or condone, the premise of the song, which is one woman wanting to fight another woman over a man, I did like the forcefulness of the lyrics, especially one line in the chorus, “Tonight I’m gonna smack a bitch.” My friend Vu, who choreographs for his own flash mob group, put together a kickass dance routine, and I found two guys and two gals as backup dancers. It was a bit intimidating to be out in front of four really good dancers. I decided to let them do most of the hard moves and I would come in on the easier ones. For the costume, I got a brand new silver sequined body suit and studded cropped black jacket. I stacked two long brunette wigs with a third short wig curled up underneath for height. It somewhat resembled a 1960s-style bouffant look à la Jane Fonda in Barbarella. I felt so glamorous in the long sexy hair. When I took the stage with four backup dancers this time, I felt like Beyoncé! Now I certainly don’t look or dance like Beyoncé, but I felt the power of having this supporting cast, whose sole mission was to make me look good. All eyes were on me! Ordinarily, so many of us women try our best to fit in, not stand out. But here in drag, it is all about standing out.
Crafting the mechanics of my drag performances taught me how important physicality is to feeling confident. I could have chosen any style of song to perform to, but I was drawn to heavy beat-driven dance songs. I liked the forcefulness of the strong dance moves, which fueled my feelings of power as I performed them. Thinking about how to express power with my body in drag performances has made me pay attention now to how I express power in my body in everyday situations: when I walk on stage to give my keynote speeches, when I walk into a conference room with my consulting clients, or when I attend a networking event where I don’t know anyone—for all these types of situations I have learned that one of the best ways to look powerful and command attention is to make sure that one’s body movements and posture express those goals.
Dragercising Will Help You Look Good and Feel Gorgeous
“Honey, know your words.”3 This was one of the first pieces of advice I got before I started doing drag. D. J. Pierce, better known as his drag alter ego, Shangela Laquifa Wadley, impressed this upon me in an interview the next day after he’d hosted the Austin, Texas, PRIDE Parade. “If you’re performing . . . you want to connect with your audience who’s watching you. You don’t have to be a super experienced dancer, but if you’re going to connect through lip-syncing, people connect through songs. If you don’t know what you’re saying, there’s no way they can connect to you.”4
I really took the advice seriously. I started listening to my performance songs all the time. I would lip-sync in the mirror when I was getting ready in the morning, but putting on makeup while moving your mouth is not the best idea. I found that one of the best times to practice my lip-syncing was when I was walking my dog.
There was a park across the street from my condo building near downtown Austin called Sand Beach Park. The park was a giant rectangle with a concrete sidewalk bordering all sides, around one-third of a mile long. This was my usual route to walk Béla, my small white toy poodle. With earbuds in my ears and my sunglasses on, I would blast my performance song on my iPhone while walking the dog around the square loop over and over again. But I didn’t just nonchalantly mouth the words to myself; I lip-synced the shit out of that song! Not a sound was coming from my mouth (or at least I couldn’t hear it), but I was acting out the lyrics with facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language. I was strutting to the beat like I was on a runway in heels. This helped me practice expressing power through my body as I took every step.
I’m sure I was a spectacle to other joggers and dog walkers as I was feeling the fantasy, walking around the park over and over, and gesticulating to music that no one else could hear. At first the looks I got made me self-conscious, but after a few more walks I didn’t care! I was living for my lip-sync walking, or “dragercising” as I began calling it. I started doing this a few times a week. I found songs other than my performance songs that were fun to dragercise to. One of my favorites is “Looking Good and Feeling Gorgeous” by RuPaul. Who knew there was a way to get your fitness time in and practice your lip-syncing skills and power moves all at the same time? Plus you get to hone your “I don’t give a crap what people think of me” skills as well. I can’t wait for you to try it and report back! Go to EntertheQueendom.com/dragercising for a playlist of songs to dragercise to.
notes FROM THE STAGE
Jujubee Has Two Left Feet but Can Still Own a Room
Boston-based drag queen Jujubee doesn’t dance or sing live, but she slays the children with her fierce lip-syncs. Thirty-one-year-old Jujubee (real name Airline Inthyrath) studied acting in college and uses those theatrical skills to channel the emotions of the songs in her performances. Jujubee was second runner-up on Season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race due in large part to her magnetic personality. She is the most followed drag celebrity from the show on Facebook, with over five hundred thousand followers. In 2010, she was nominated for a NewNowNext Award for “Most Addictive Reality Star.”
Jujubee
(Photo by Nick Lovell)
While other drag queens are jumping into splits or death dropping the house down, Jujubee channels all of her energy and power into her lip-sync instead of moving all around the stage. She shows that there are different ways to channel power through the body. Whether it’s a ballad or an upbeat pop number, Jujubee uses her facial expressions and the lines of her body to act out the song. It takes an innate fierceness to entertain audiences while not using up much of the stage. Jujubee explained to me, “I can’t dance and I’ll never claim that I can. I won’t lie to you, but performance for me is just evoking an emotion. I don’t care if it’s good or bad. I want to tell a story, and that’s the kind of music that I love. . . . Say if you listen to a Jennifer Hudson song or a Whitney Houston song, you know when this song is about love, that she is in love and she wants to tell this man or this person that she wants him, now. Or if there’s a song where somebody’s really upset, I want to convey that story as well.”5
I’m not a dancer, but I’m not not a dancer! I can identify with Jujubee and asked her advice on how to connect with an audience. She advised: “The most important thing about drag performance is to just go out and perform for the audience, because the audience is there to see you. They’ve paid money, but they also want to see that you’re having fun and that you know what you’re doing on the stage. You could just stand there and perform, and if it’s telling a story and it’s exuding that love for the art, they’re going to love it. Then there are the [queens] that go out and just dance and do kick splits and stuff but there’s a disconnect. You almost feel as though they’re just going through [the motions], and it’s beautiful movement, but you don’t feel it sometimes. So, balance that.”6 She also gave me advice on owning my power on stage, which is also relevant on this stage we call life. “You may not feel as confident inside, but if you’re exuding that confidence, people are going to [get] that from you. . . . They’re going to see that if [you] can go over that rock or whatever is stopping [you], [they] can do it, too. I think that’s inspiring.”7
No matter what situation you’re in, people are connecting with you, reading you, reading your body language and facial expressions. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, whether you are in a boardroom, on a sales call, or negotiating while buying a car, you can project power by using physicality just like Jujubee does. She has a quieter power than her dancing-and-death-dropping drag sisters, but she shows us that you don’t have to be gregarious and perform with over-the-top antics to command attention.
notes FROM EVERYDAY QUEENS
How Brendan Jordan Posed His Way to Viral Success
“Day one coming out of my mom’s womb, I was already showing attitude,” says Brendan Jordan, the Las Vegas teenager who became a viral sensation in 2014.8 In October of that year, Brendan stole the spotlight from a reporter who was broadcasting live at the celebration for a new mall opening in his hometown. He just happened to be standing behind the reporter but in front of a huge crowd when “Applause” by Lady Gaga began playing on the loudspeakers for the party. Gaga is his favorite artist, so he began to mimic the choreography from the video—posing, turning, and giving fierce looks right into the camera. Using his sheer diva presence, he grabbed viewers’ attention and made it impossible to concentrate on what the reporter was saying. A video of the news segment was posted on YouTube, and overnight it went viral, thrusting the fifteen-year-old into the social media spotlight. Media outlets around the world, including The Today Show, MTV.com, the Huffington Post, CBC.com (Canada), and the Mirror Online (UK), were infatuated with the “diva kid” who video-bombed the reporter with his dance moves and attitude. The media attention led to an appearance on the Queen Latifah show, with Brendan doing his signature diva poses. RuPaul was such a fan of the teen that he sent a drag queen to the show to invite Brendan to the finale taping of the next season of Drag Race.
Brendan Jordan
(Photo by Brendan Jordan)
Capitalizing on all of this attention, Brendan started a YouTube channel on which he discussed fun topics ranging from his favorite fashions and his eyebrow makeover tutorial to serious topics such as his coming-out story. As of this writing, Brendan has 553,000 followers on Instagram and 243,000 subscribers to his YouTube channel. His videos have been viewed over ten million times. Retailer American Apparel tapped Brendan for an advertising campaign after seeing the teen wearing outfits on Instagram created by mixing items from both its men’s and women’s lines. He has even walked the runway in a fashion show for celebrity fashion designer Marco Marco, known for his outrageous, glamorous, and over-the-top costumes for Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, and Britney Spears.
In mid-2015, Brendan declared that he was gender-fluid after first coming out as gay the year before. Gender-fluid people do not feel confined by the restrictive boundaries of stereotypical expectations of women and men. In other words, a gender-fluid person may feel more female on some days and more male on others, or possibly feel that neither term describes him or her accurately. Hearing of Brendan’s public coming out as gender-fluid, pop star Miley Cyrus subsequently invited him to be part of a photo shoot for her Happy Hippie Foundation, a nonprofit whose mission is to rally young people to fight the injustices facing homeless youth, LGBTQ youth, and other vulnerable populations. Miley and her foundation partnered with Instagram for a campaign, titled #InstaPride, to bring visibility to the lives and stories of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals. Brendan, his sister Hailey, and mom Tracy all participated with Miley in a photo shoot for the campaign with other LGBT youth that was covered extensively by Time magazine and other mainstream news outlets. Brendan was excited to be part of the campaign because he wants to be a role model for LGBT teens and inspire them to be out, proud, and confident of who they are.
When I asked Brendan where he got his confident attitude from, he said it might have been from one particular family member: his great-grandmother Maci. “I think my great-grandmother is a very big inspiration because she’s so sassy. She’s eighty-five, and she tells me the stories how other men would whistle at her. She’d tell everyone she’s not married when she really was, just to make herself look younger, and how she’d always go out in five-inch heels to the grocery store.”9 Brendan also loves drag and is inspired by the drag performers he has met. “Drag queens have opened my eyes to a whole other world. . . . [They] have probably inspired me to be confident because I see other people doing what they see [themselves] as and that makes me want to do it. I’m not only copying them but I’m just making it my own.”10 He says the sassy, confident Brendan character we see in the videos is him, but amped up a bit for his online audience. “I classify myself as a shy person. Believe it or not. I really do. . . . I think Brendan is a character. I think Brendan is a drag queen if that makes sense . . . the makeup and sassy outfits, that’s all part of the Brendan character.”11
In fact, I first met Brendan in person in May 2015 in Los Angeles at RuPaul’s DragCon, the first drag queen convention in herstory. As a YouTube star, Brendan was invited to appear and be part of a session where he would be put into drag for the very first time. Phi Phi O’Hara did Brendan’s drag makeup and styled his Lady Gaga ARTPOP-inspired wig before an excited crowd of fans in a breakout room at the convention. When I asked Brendan about the experience of being in drag for the first time, he told me, “You honestly feel the change. You feel like your soul has left your body. It’s really like you’re a new person. . . . You just got charged. Batteries are put into you or something. It’s weird.” He says that in drag, “there’s no flaws about you, and you know that. . . . I feel like an angel, if that makes sense. I feel like [I have] no insecurities at all.”12
All you have to do is look at the comments on Brendan’s social media to see how much he has inspired people of all ages. Even LGBT people in their twenties and thirties tell Brendan they wish that they had had this much confidence to be out and proud at such a young age. Unfortunately, one cannot have as many YouTube views as Brendan has and not get haters making vile comments on his videos. Not only does he get homophobic insults lobbed at him on social media, he also has received criticism, surprisingly from gay men, for being so openly flamboyant. Brendan is as deft as a drag queen in deflecting all of this negativity. “I can’t spend my whole day thinking about what one person said to me,” he told me. “If a person hates me, then, ‘Oh, well.’ . . . My strong support system is the reason why I do not give up. I know myself to not let that one thing get [me] down. I know where I’m going. I know my future. That person might be a little pebble or rock in my future, but I’m stepping over it. I know where I’m going. . . . That’s why I’m not letting it get to me.”13
Make no mistake; Brendan is more than just the latest viral sensation. He is committed to using his fame to advocate for the LGBT community. Pride Toronto, one of the largest annual Pride celebrations in the world with 1.2 million attendees, selected Brendan as their first ever Youth Ambassador in June 2015. He’s participated in LGBT anti-bullying and anti-smoking campaigns, and filmed coming-out videos with other LGBT YouTube stars. Brendan believes we should always showcase our inner fabulousness to the world. “I feel like that’s what God makes us. I feel like He makes us all drag queens. We just get out of costume sometimes.”14
All of these amazing things have happened to Brendan because he wasn’t afraid to be himself behind that reporter at the mall. He wasn’t afraid to showcase his signature diva poses when his favorite Gaga music came on the loudspeaker. To borrow a phrase from Anelica of the MOB Wives, Brendan was born “genetically fabulous” and he knows it. But here’s the amazing truth: So. Were. We. Who knows what wonderful things might happen to us if we dare to showcase our fabulousness to the world?
notes FROM THE COUCH
The Psychology of Nonverbal Behaviors and Their Effects on Hormone Levels and Risk Tolerance
It is absolutely stunning how changes in dress, movement, and posture can affect how we experience ourselves. Science tells us that nonverbal behaviors have a much larger impact on our lives than most of us imagine, especially when it comes to self-confidence and a personal sense of power. When researchers examined people who demonstrated power in their relationships with others—that is, determined who was the “alpha”—they noticed some striking similarities. The indicators of power, or being in charge, according to Thomas Shubert and Steffen Giessner of the Netherlands, are a steady gaze, an expanded posture, and greater height and/or size relative to the people around one. Specifically, whichever person is taller, larger, or simply occupies the physically higher space in a room will possess the hormonal surge that accompanies these actions. The first indicator, the steady gaze, was researched by Yale professor John Dovidio and his colleague Steve Ellyson.15 They measured the amount of eye contact that a speaker and listener maintained and discovered that the person who was perceived as more powerful was the one who held eye contact while she or he was speaking, and not while she or he was listening. This implies that if you want to assume power, the first thing to do is hold eye contact with others while you talk or perform.
Expansive posture, the second indicator, happens to be a popular topic these days in the plague that is commonly called “manspreading.” If you haven’t seen images of average-sized men, legs wide apart and taking up two seats on the subway, I encourage you to look this up online. Women do this in a different way, usually by parking their purse or tote bag on the seat next to them. The reason we tend to have a somewhat negative gut reaction to this behavior is because it is a not-so-subtle display of power. Organizational behavior professors Larissa Tiedens and Alison Fragale examined subjects who were seated opposite an unknown collaborator who changed posture from a constrictive, arms-and-legs-tucked-in-close position, to a more expansive, arms-and-legs-spread-wide position. Even though the subjects would try to match whatever position they were presented with in order to feel more comfortable, they were mostly maneuvered into adopting the opposite posture. All subjects reported feeling more powerful when they were spread out and less powerful when they were tucked in tight.16 In addition to self-perception and feelings of power, scientists have also measured the change in testosterone levels of people who change their posture. In fact, doing two one-minute expansive poses is enough to boost testosterone to a level that can cause people to feel more powerful.17 What this tells us is that if you find yourself feeling less powerful than you wish, try taking up more space than you normally would. Spread your arms out to the side and see what happens!
The third indicator of power, height and size, is pretty straightforward, with an added twist. It’s not just larger and taller people who command more power; it’s also being perceived as higher or bigger that makes a difference. Researchers Serena Chen, Annette Lee-Chai, and John Bargh studied the effects of sitting at a desk in a large chair versus sitting at the desk in a small chair. As you would expect, whoever sat in the big chair felt more powerful and was perceived as more powerful, regardless of their actual size. The opposite held true, too. Those who sat in the smaller chair felt inferior, even if they were actually larger than the person in the big chair.18
These posture changes affect us in such a powerful way due in large part to the neurotransmitters in our brains and the hormones in our bodies—specifically, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and testosterone. It’s biological. Confidence, it turns out, is created and sustained by more than one of our genes, these hormones, and the combination of how we think and what we do. Our thoughts, actions, and biology all play parts in how we perceive ourselves as powerful and confident; so this means that how we use our bodies can cause changes in our brain, and those changes can help us feel more powerful. It’s a wonderful cycle.
Dopamine is the brain messenger that gets us moving. It is the substance associated with curiosity and risk taking. Without it we become bored, passive, and depressed; too much of it and our brains become swamped and unable to think clearly. The two genetic variants of dopamine clearance in the brain will move us either toward adventure or toward fear and fighting. For the purposes of this book, we’re looking at the person who perhaps tends to worry about making the right choices. They may sometimes overthink things or get stage fright and freeze up under stress. As you think about taking the risks this book recommends, this could be you. However, taking risks can actually help you process stress by removing the built-up dopamine so you can keep moving and avoid giving in to a flight, fight, or freeze response.
Then there’s serotonin, which works in our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that makes thoughtful, rational decisions. Serotonin also quiets the amygdala, the more primitive, reactive part of our brain that, if left unchecked, can cause us to fight, flee, or freeze during stress, and eventually leads to depression. When we find ourselves under duress—for example, in a roomful of scowling people who are waiting for us to speak—we might shift into a freeze mode because the memory of a similar time in third grade when the class laughed at us is readily available to our brains. But if we have an adequate supply of serotonin in our systems, then our brains can shift to the upper lobes and access rational thought. The memories of successful events are stored there. So the more successful events we create for ourselves, the more serotonin we have stored. When we are successful at taking risks, it helps our brains as well.
Oxytocin, another neurotransmitter, floods our system with hope and happiness. It’s called the “love hormone,” because scientists have examined the brains of people who are in the throes of a new love relationship and found that they are awash in oxytocin. People who tend to have a high level are more optimistic, more resilient under duress, and are able to access their prefrontal lobes faster than those who are low in oxytocin. The good news is that oxytocin isn’t just for lovers—any positive social experience can increase it. That’s why a person who can walk into a room and smile at folks will feel all warm and fuzzy inside when the smile is returned.19 And that’s another reason why it’s important to push ourselves to take risks and find new positive social experiences to build up our cache.
What you should take from this section is that stepping up, striking a pose, and shining those pearly whites can bring about positive changes in your brain, which will mean more powerful brain chemicals lined up to support you!
notes FOR YOUR DRAG DIARY
Feeling the Fantasy in the Boardroom and the Living Room
Now let’s look at how you can create confidence by manifesting the fabulous person in your head and moving her into reality or, in drag slang, “feeling the fantasy.” Are you ready to let the world see your power? Here’s the thing, though: by exhibiting power using your body you are going to draw attention to yourself. This attention is what gives you power. You have to get comfortable with standing out, knowing that it is for the right reasons. You aren’t always going to feel confident in every situation, but you need to will your mind to make your body take power positions anyway. You learned earlier that just by putting your body in these positions you will feel more powerful.
You may feel that some of these ideas are silly or wacky. That’s the point! The idea is to take action—to do something—that forces you to try new things and learn from them. Some of these ideas will test you, will force you not to care what other people think. You’ll be surprised. Many people are going to say, “You go on with your bad self!”
Dragercising
We’ve already talked about the concept of dragercising. Now it’s time to try it. Put a few songs on your phone or iPod that are upbeat and you know the words to. (Don’t forget you can always use our playlist at EntertheQueendom.com/dragercising.) Put on your workout gear, bring your earbuds, and make your way to a place that is good for walking. With your earbuds in, turn the music on, begin walking, and start your lip-syncing! Use your facial expressions, your hands, and your body to act out the song as you walk with the beat (get dance songs for some good cardio!). If you see someone looking at you, just smile and keep on going. Sunglasses really help here, because you can pretend you aren’t seeing people. You’ll be surprised at how amazing you feel as the energy of the songs propels you onward. You’re belting out the songs but you aren’t making a sound! Record in your Drag Diary how the dragercising went—how you felt when you first started, while you were doing it, and after you finished.
Walk the Runway
Where others might see a hallway, grocery store aisle, or mall concourse, drag queens see a runway. It’s a place to showcase your fabulousness just like a supermodel. This activity involves walking in an ostentatious yet casual manner, typically with exaggerated movements of the hips and shoulders, otherwise known in the drag world as sashaying. Drag star Miss Fame explained to me how she thinks about the way she carries herself in public: “When I walk, I walk with purpose. In my head I imagine that there is fire burning behind me, or the ground is breaking beneath my feet. Even in high school I did that. Something in my head said I was meant to be seen and I was supposed to do it that way, visually. It’s about imagining yourself in this greatness and giving yourself this sense of ownership that you’re worth it.”20
Find your runway. Any longish space with a clear pathway will work. Now, with shoulders back and chest out, stare directly ahead. Put a defiant look on your face that says, “You wish you were as fabulous as I am!” Now put one foot in front of the other and walk with long strides. Imagine that you are walking on a rope by keeping one foot in front of the other, which will allow your hips to swing from side to side in that classic model way. Wearing heels will make you feel even more powerful. If you are in a place where you can play some dance music and walk to the beat, even better. Walk to the end of your runway with your gaze locked straight ahead. When you get to the end of the runway, stop and cock your hips to one side, and place one hand (or both) on your hip(s). Give an acknowledging look to your invisible admirers on either side of the runway. Turn with flair and walk back down the runway toward where you started. If you are doing this in public with other people around, again, dark sunglasses can help. They make you feel mysterious and cool and give you a sense of anonymity. If you are taking part in the 50 Days to Fierce Challenge, have a friend record a video of your fierce runway walk. Then post it to Twitter or Instagram, tagging @jackiehuba with #FiercelyYou.
Womanspreading
“Manspreading” made it into the Oxford English Dictionary in the year 2015. As Shelly mentioned earlier in this chapter, the term refers to men on public transportation who splay their legs wide apart and encroach on neighboring seats, to the dismay of women everywhere. Whatever motivates the men who do it, it’s a dominant power move. It says: “I own this space. You find another place to sit.”
Expanding our posture is a power move everyone can use, not just men. In the “Notes from the Couch” section, we talked about how placing the body into positions of expanded posture changes our physiology and makes us feel more powerful. It also can send a message to those around us that we are the power player in a room. Try one of these power poses the next time you are in a room at work or in your personal life in a situation where you want to assert your power.
• Stand with your hands on your hips like Wonder Woman.
• Stand in front of a table, lean forward, outstretch your arms so they are straight, with just your fingertips touching the table. This works especially well if you are leading a meeting and you’ve lost control of the discussion.
• Sit back in your chair, lean backward, place the palms of your hands behind your neck, and interlock your fingers.
Make Yourself Bigger
This concept is similar to womanspreading, but instead of using expanded body positions, we use everything else we can to make our presence bigger. Just as in drag, bigger is better when it comes to most things. Here are some things for you to try:
• Bring more stuff. Are you in a conference room at work where you need to show confidence and power? Get to the meeting early, sit near the middle of the table, and take up as much space as you need for your paraphernalia (laptop, notebook, phone, etc.). Taking up space at the table commands attention.
• Wear heels. Being taller expands your appearance. At those times when you need to be powerful, more height is helpful. Take a lesson from the professional women in New York City who carry their heels with them on their commute and change into them before they walk into the office.
• Stand up straight and tall. This works especially well in a meeting if it’s done with finesse. If you are seeking to command attention, find a way to get into a standing position. Perhaps go to the whiteboard and diagram the concept you are proposing. Suddenly all eyes will be on you and you’ll become the most powerful person in the room. Use that power wisely, though; refrain from monopolizing the meeting.
In your Drag Diary, write down the strategies that worked best for you and think of new situations where these power moves might also be successful.
For the Drag Curious
For our advanced readers, here are some adventurous ideas that really make a fierce statement. To be sure, they involve more costuming, but if you can find a way to try them, you could incorporate a version of them into your everyday life.
• Wear bigger hair. Bigger hair makes you look bigger. It adds to your presence. It could be just wearing your hair long, in waves or curls, or teasing your hair for more volume. Or it could be—our favorite—adding a wig. Now you may not do this at work, or maybe you will! But perhaps first just wear a wig to a normal (read: not costume) party and see how you feel. You will get attention, but it will also make you feel powerful. Don’t forget to post your big-hair photos to social media, tagging @jackiehuba with #FiercelyYou.
• Make an entrance. Enter a room with confidence and capture people’s attention. Perhaps no one enters a room like a drag queen more than Taraji P. Henson’s Cookie Lyon character on the hit television show Empire. Cookie is a “whole lotta sass” and a “whole lotta ass,” and she’s not afraid to use both of them to steal a scene. She’s a master at knowing how to make an entrance. She often makes her presence larger by wearing huge fur coats and flashy animal-print outfits. Google “Enter Cookie: An Empire Supercut” to watch a video montage of her best entrances from Season 1 of the show.21 Now perhaps you don’t need to be as flamboyant as Cookie when entering a room, but here are some general tips:
(a) Take your time and don’t rush into a room. Pause outside the room if you need to gather your thoughts and composure.
(b) Make sure you have a strong posture. As you enter, walk with confidence but not arrogance. Keep your head up, your shoulders back and down, and smile.
(c) Stake out a position on the other side of the room and stride confidently toward it, not hesitating or getting sidetracked. Motion captures attention.
(d) Make direct eye contact with those you want to stop and speak with.
Using power moves to project confidence and steal the attention is a drag queen’s superpower. But all that attention tends to draw criticism too. Another drag queen superpower is the ability to ward off all criticism as if wearing an invisible shield. Going outside your own comfort zone, and doing things that surprise your social network will also draw criticism. So how do you deal with that? How do you shake off those comments? And, more important, how do you get that inner critic, the one with the most power to scare you, to shut the hell up? Well, aspiring queens, we are here to help.