The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla

Sex—the fact of it, the illusion of it—is the third rail for professional men and women. It can topple leaders (General David Petraeus is but one of a series of high-level casualties), destroy careers (Dominique Strauss-Kahn would agree), and torpedo the public’s trust (often manifested in plunging share price: Hewlett-Packard stock took a 10 percent haircut when Mark Hurd was forced to step down in mid-2010 after he had an affair with a female subcontractor of HP²). The PR damage done by an illicit affair, given the media feeding frenzy that it inevitably unleashes, is so astronomical that firms waste no time in jettisoning their liabilities, however costly it will prove to replace them (as ESPN demonstrated when it fired both baseball analyst Steve Phillips and his twenty-two-year-old production assistant Brooke Hundley). Little wonder that most senior men (64 percent) are hesitant to have one-on-one contact with a potential protégé who happened to be a younger woman. There’s just way too much downside.

This goes a long way toward explaining why men are so much more likely to sponsor other men, inadvertently perpetuating the old boys’ club and keeping the boardroom barren of women. It also shows why women consider sponsorship to be a dirty game, one they’d rather not play. Perhaps if there were more women in power, up-and-coming females would seek them out as sponsors, thus skirting the whole third-rail hazard of a one-on-one relationship with the opposite sex. But because there aren’t, up-and-coming women tend to conclude that sponsorship, sexually fraught as it might be, is something they don’t actually need. More than three-quarters of the women we surveyed perceived promotions at their firm to be a function of hard work, long hours, and strong credentials. They’re convinced that if they work maniacally hard to hit targets and meet deadlines, someone senior will eventually acknowledge their hard work and reward their sacrifice with a promotion.

But if nearly forty years of stalled-out female talent are any indication, this strategy simply doesn’t work. Quite reasonably, senior management awards leadership positions to those who show initiative and actually demonstrate leadership, forging relationships with power brokers, seizing challenging assignments, rallying staff and resources, and driving team results for the firm. The worker bees who labor diligently at their PowerPoints and dutifully cross tasks off their to-do lists do not get to become queen bees. They stay in a support role because they spend all of their time proving they’re good at support.

Men seem to intuitively grasp this. The vast majority (83 percent) we surveyed readily acknowledges that “who you know” counts for a lot. Fifty-seven percent perceive their own recent advancement to be a function of personal connections. It’s not that they discount the need to be a producer: two-thirds acknowledge the enormous importance of credentials and track record. Rather, they perceive the value of relationship capital, utilizing it not just as a lever to leadership but also as a demonstration of leadership ability. Mobilizing other people to do your bidding—to help you win promotion or help you drive corporate profits—is precisely what leaders and would-be leaders do.

So men not only grasp the importance of strategic relationships with those in power, but also have no trouble cultivating or leveraging them to get ahead. Whereas women, leery of instrumental relationships and wary of alliances with the opposite sex that might be misconstrued, fall behind.

What can be done?

No Silver Bullet

Let’s acknowledge that sexual tension in the workplace is a problem that’s not going to go away—ever. So long as men and women are in proximity, sex lurks as a possibility. Indeed, with the world economy facing continued difficulties (flat-lined economies in Europe, an easing off of high-growth rates in Asia), men and women will be putting in even more hours away from home and family, making less time for an emotional life outside work and adding to the pressure to develop one at the office or on the road.

Let’s also acknowledge that there are no easy fixes. I’m haunted by a story told to me by a senior leader at a blue-chip investment bank, a woman with a large team reporting to her. Midway into her career, newly a managing director, this executive became aware that her boss was holding regular meetings with the other managing directors (four men), at his home, over barbecued ribs and beer. “He invited them, but excluded me,” she said, “and then they’d all lie to me at work about where they’d been that weekend.” Months went by. Finally, she received an invitation and one summer Saturday joined the group at her boss’s home. “Then I saw the dynamic at work,” she explained. “Here I was, a youngish woman out on the pool deck with the guys, with my boss’s wife hovering in the kitchen, peering out at us.”

She could see how difficult it was for him to include her in any informal work gathering outside the office. But she fumed with frustration, because by excluding her, he signaled to the rest of the management team that she was not part of the inner circle. She knew full well, too, that the men had developed a special camaraderie by meeting like this, and that she had lost out on the trust built over months. “I understood his bad behavior was a function of his discomfort,” she reflected. “But what may have felt like a minefield for him was a career killer for me.”

Well, not quite a killer: this woman rose to a fairly senior position. But she feels her rate of progression suffered because she had no sponsors, and she had no sponsors because she could not figure out how to mitigate the third-rail risk for her male superiors. “There were men I reported to who wouldn’t get into a cab with me, who wouldn’t allow their admin to schedule them on the same flight,” she recalled. “Looking back, I think this is what kept me always just outside the inner circle. I had a couple of near misses with sponsorship, but in the end, my bosses just couldn’t afford to go there with me.”

Corporate policies are no panacea for this, either. Even when companies have strict policies governing office romances or prohibit sexual relationships between managers and their subordinates, most people don’t even know that these policies exist. As many as 64 percent of women surveyed and 65 percent of men said they weren’t aware of any rules or sanctions around a consensual sexual relationship between a boss and a subordinate. And even if companies were to succeed in making clear the consequences for illicit affairs, that’s not tantamount to preventing them.

But let’s agree: we’ve got to make the workplace safe for sponsorship, because we all lose when someone with outstanding ability, whether as an innovator or a team builder, languishes or has to leave because of that third rail. Sponsorship is vital to fulfilling your potential, turbocharging your career progress, and delivering your dreams. And remember, during economic downturns and corporate restructurings, it’s often the only thing between you and the door.

As an ambitious young woman, you cannot allow the threat of sex, scandal, or innuendo to keep you from cultivating sponsors, not in good times and especially not in bad. It’s imperative you network, not just laterally but also vertically, not just with women but also with men. Having targeted an appropriate sponsor, it’s then essential that you initiate and establish an alliance for the long haul, one that’s founded on enough trust to enable you to ask for as well as provide the heavy lifting your aspirations demand. Cultivating a relationship that works to the professional benefit and not the reputational detriment of both parties isn’t a question of should; it’s a question of how. Specifically, How can I initiate this relationship with someone of the opposite sex without invoking the specter of an illicit affair?

How to Make Yourself a Safe Bet

DON’T HAVE AN ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH A SUPERIOR. To hear our interviewees tell it, everybody loses. You lose the job you have, the job you deserved, or the legacy you’ve built. If you’re female and the more junior party, our survey respondents confirm, you lose the most. Seventy percent of women surveyed say the junior female disproportionately bears the brunt of an affair, which is not surprising, but 53 percent of male respondents agree. That’s because the woman endures a two-pronged punishment. First, when the affair is over her career trajectory changes, either because she requests a new position or one is forced upon her. Second, her reputation takes a dive from which it may never recover. “Men don’t pass judgment on the guy,” says Annalisa Jenkins, head of global drug development and medical for Merck Serono. “They’ll say, ‘Well, that’s just who he is,’ or, ‘These things happen.’ Whereas the woman is perceived as something of a prostitute or somehow lacking in social and moral values.” That scarlet letter will not only make her an outcast at her firm, it will likely diminish the sponsorship she might expect from her network, dimming the possibility of her escape to another firm. “Her sponsors may not want to step forward and risk linking their reputation with hers,” explains Kerrie Peraino, head of international HR for American Express.

RELENTLESSLY TELEGRAPH PROFESSIONALISM. Another critical pointer: do not send mixed messages. Flirting is a no-no. Sexually loaded jokes are off the table. Research CTI conducted on executive presence reveals that, for both men and women, making off-color jokes or comments is a top communication blunder (second only to making racially biased jokes or comments). For women, tight dresses, plunging necklines, short skirts, or barely buttoned blouses also send the wrong message. Seventy-three percent of leaders we surveyed cite provocative clothing as the number-one appearance blunder for a woman attempting to climb the career ladder. This is not to suggest, if you’re female, that you suppress your femininity in the workplace. But it’s imperative you be aware of what your clothing, makeup, hairstyle, body language, and communication style convey in the way of ulterior motives. Pat Fili-Krushel, chairman of NBCUniversal News Group, recalls having to take aside a new hire from Texas to spell out the style code in New York. “She was a great candidate, which is why I hired her, but her attire was inappropriate and gave the wrong impression,” Fili-Krushel relates. “It can be awkward to give someone feedback on their style or appearance, but it is a part of an executive’s total package, so I advised her she needed to adopt a more businesslike look”—or she was going to find herself in the corner office “for all the wrong reasons.”

MEET YOUR SPONSOR IN PUBLIC. On-site meetings can work well; for example, bagels and coffee in the conference room or lunch in the cafeteria. Alternatively, choose a restaurant well-trafficked by office personnel, where you can take the opportunity to wave to people you know and make it clear you have nothing to hide. Dinner on a business trip may be unavoidable, but make sure the venue isn’t the kind of place you’d ever go on a date, and don’t order alcohol. Ideally, you want to routinize the time and place of your sponsor meetings, because regularity is what ensures nothing will appear irregular about you getting together with your sponsor one-on-one. An officer at Intel related how she chatted with her sponsor on the corporate shuttle, which ferried executives between sites twice a week. “It was the perfect opportunity to have a private chat, publicly,” she says. It also won her her current position. “We would sit together on Monday and have conversations about the weekend, his kids, my kids. Then we’d start talking about what’s going on at work this week, ‘I have this meeting,’ and so on. One Monday, I said, ‘There’s this job I’m thinking about.’ He said, ‘You can do that job.’ He got off the shuttle and made a phone call. When I saw him on Friday, he said, ‘You got that job, didn’t you?’”

BE UP-FRONT ABOUT THE PERSONAL OR FAMILY COMMITMENTS YOU VALUE. Talk about your significant others—spouse, partner, fiancé, or ongoing relationship, as well as your kids, godchild, nieces and nephews, or adored pet. Make known the extent of your outside commitments—to church or temple, athletic league, community organization, yoga class, or poker group. Put photos on your desk or screensaver that assure others you have a network of emotional ties outside work. This doesn’t mean inflicting your personal life on others. But you should give your sponsor the impression you’re a person whose personal needs are met, who isn’t overly vulnerable or available, and who’s a safe bet to spend one-on-one time coaching or conferring with.

INTRODUCE YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO YOUR SPONSOR. Long before you’re put in a position where your time with or proximity to a superior of the opposite sex might be misconstrued—a project demanding after-work and weekend work sessions, a series of out-of-town client meetings, or even that biweekly trip on the corporate shuttle—take advantage of social occasions to introduce your main squeeze to your sponsors or would-be sponsors (the Intel manager had met her sponsor’s wife at a dinner by the time she and he were meeting on the shuttle). These occasions might be business functions—award dinners, community outreach events, weekend conferences—or they might be social gatherings, such as company-supported sports events or charity galas. By so doing, you’ll telegraph the richness and coherence of your private life and tamp down any hint of an ulterior agenda.

BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND WHERE YOU’RE GOING. This is especially relevant if you’re a young woman working among senior men, according to a global leader at a large pharmaceutical company who referenced her own missteps as a promising young manager. Coming from a place of vulnerability, she observes, she committed the classic mistake of misconstruing signals from her male superior and inadvertently fanning the flames of a spark she should have snuffed out. “He was a bright, charismatic type with a big personality,” she recalls, “accustomed to working long hours with a bunch of us high-achieving, ambitious young women. We connected on a professional level, but then, because he liked taking control, and because some of us weren’t getting our emotional needs met outside of work, the energy changed.” Alarm bells should have gone off, she adds, “but I was confused, because the attention this guy showed me felt like reinforcement of my good work—like a gold star.” She managed to disentangle herself without major damage, but it taught her a lesson. She’s now doubly committed to helping young women benefit from her hard-won wisdom. “Start from a position of strength,” this executive suggests. “Know your professional goals and what you need to do to achieve them. Once I was secure in that view of myself, I was never in a position of vulnerability again.”

Triage

You can make yourself a safe bet and still find yourself bumping up against the third rail. Your peers or subordinates may still perceive you as having something more than a professional relationship with your superior. They may shun you for simply receiving more than your fair share of the boss’s attention. Or you might be exiled by leaders who cannot afford to be tainted by the suspicion that you’re special to them. In these situations, your best response may be to confront your detractors head on.

WHEN THE GOSSIP MONGERS IDENTIFY YOU AS A LEADER’S FAVORITE, PROVE YOU WARRANT SINGLING OUT. It’s tough being on a team when one person is consistently favored. It’s even tougher if you’re the person singled out, and you’re one of the few women. If you find yourself tapped for the really plum assignments, pulled into meetings where you’re the most junior person, or consistently chosen over your worthy peers, make the most of your opportunities. Come prepared to wow everyone with your contribution, work ethic, and devotion to the mission. Make known the kind of work you’re putting in, the extra hours you’re devoting, and the special skills you bring to warrant the consideration you’re being shown. In a word, own your special status.

This may sound counterintuitive, but that’s why it works: people who complain that you’re receiving special attention or find ways to punish you for it are insinuating that you don’t deserve it. If you behave as though you don’t deserve it—if you’re clearly embarrassed to be in the spotlight, or try to paper over the favoritism by acting surprised, or try to make it up to your peers by being super nice—you inadvertently reinforce their insinuation. Annalisa Jenkins of Merck Serono experienced this as a young physician in the British Navy. One of very few female officers onboard a ship at sea in a war zone, Jenkins couldn’t help but attract the attention of her commanders. If there was a social event, she’d be asked to attend. If a general was coming onboard, she’d be assigned to the welcoming party. If a newspaper did an article, her face was the one photographed. “They called me ‘the duty skirt,’” she recalls. “And there’s no question, I was getting favored treatment.” To compensate, she tried to be civil and gracious to everybody. “I thought if I were nice to everyone and worked really hard that would overcome suspicion of me using gender to avail myself of opportunities not open to others,” she says. In hindsight, she realizes she might have fared better had she just exuded the confidence of someone who actually deserved the attention of powerful figures.

IF YOU’RE IN FREE FALL, PULL THE RIP CORD WHILE YOU STILL CAN. Sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge that nothing can be done—and leave. If you’ve been pinned with the scarlet letter and have done everything in your power to assert or prove your innocence and still can’t shake the shroud of gossip, move on. Don’t wait until your reputation is in tatters. Act while you still have good will to leverage. Carol, now a global media firm executive, imparts that advice, having endured, as a twenty-four-year-old, the Hester Prynne ordeal. She was an analyst at a Swiss investment bank, and her job entailed client service. With one client, a married man in his mid-fifties, she struck up a tennis friendship, playing a few Saturdays at his racquet club. On one of these occasions, he showed her some documentation he wanted to change. He was positioning his firm for an initial public offering and wanted Carol’s input. Carol not only helped him with the documents, she persuaded him to let her bank handle the offering. “My math and accounting skills weren’t as good as others at the time, but I was young and smart and a good listener,” she explains. The IPO turned out to be the biggest piece of business the bank brokered that entire year, an outcome that should have translated into a massive promotion for Carol. But no sooner had she landed the account than her boss, accusing her of having a sexual affair with the client, took her off the account. “The whole idea of a young woman winning a big piece of business made him uncomfortable—and suspicious. He just couldn’t believe I’d built a business relationship,” Carol remarks.

Not everyone in management drew her boss’s conclusion. The bank’s CEO insisted she join the road show for the IPO, a vote of confidence she appreciated. Still, for the duration of the road show, she made a point of abstaining from all after-hours socializing, to the consternation of the client. “I did not dress provocatively, I didn’t go out at night with the client or my colleagues,” she recalls. “I did not want to be perceived as needing to do anything inappropriate to win my deals.”

Once the deal was done, however, Carol quit the firm. “I really had no choice,” she reflects. “There was little I could do to change their perceptions. In retrospect, I’m glad I acted when I did, before I lost credibility—and my self-esteem.”