It's not just what you say …

It's also how you say it, because it turns out that vocal and nonverbal cues like body language, eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, head movements, and hand gestures speak volumes. In fact, the overwhelming majority—as much as 93 percent—of communication is nonverbal.

Very often, these nonverbal signals are delivered and understood without us even realizing it, because our ability to communicate nonverbally is instinctual and innate, and as such often matters more than words themselves. In one study, participants' responses to spoken words were more dependent on the tone of voice than the connotation behind the word itself, so even a negative word like “terrible” was perceived neutrally or positively depending on how the word was delivered.¹ (If you've ever had someone tell you they were “fine,” when their entire demeanor screamed that they were very much not fine, I'm sure you can relate.) This led the author of the study to conclude that the interpretation of a message is only 7 percent verbal, 38 percent vocal, and 55 percent visual, thus giving us the oft-quoted figure that nonverbal communication makes up 93 percent of understanding.

This is important because the ways in which we communicate have shifted drastically to written communication—emails, Slack chats, social media comments, and so on—in which these precious nonverbal signals are lost. Have you ever misconstrued someone's comment online, mistaking sarcasm or a joke for rudeness? It's because the nonverbal subtleties have been lost. Chances are, if it had been a face-to-face encounter, you would have gotten the irreverent meaning behind the comment loud and clear.

Luckily, more and more remote meetings are taking place via video platforms, which allows us to pick up on the nonverbal side of communication, as well as the verbal. I talk more about communicating remotely later in the chapter.

What type of communicator are you?

We don't all communicate in the same way. Broadly speaking, there are five different communication styles. You may not fall exactly into one category; you may recognize elements of two or more categories in yourself, or revert to a certain style in certain situations. The key thing is, if you can recognize your own communication style(s), and the styles of others, you'll be better placed to tailor your communication style to match different audiences.

The five communication styles are:

1. Assertive communication style

   Generally considered to be the most effective communication style, this means communicating confidently and calmly, clearly expressing your needs, but without riding roughshod over others in the conversation. Assertive communicators tend to use a lot of active “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated when you show up late for our meetings” as opposed to less active statements such as “You need to stop turning up late.” They communicate without emotional manipulation; rather, they consider and respect the rights and opinions of others, while standing up for their own needs, expectations, and boundaries.

   If you want to be more assertive in your communications, inject confidence into what you say (even if you don't necessarily feel confident). Replace woolly words such as “could” “may,” and “might” with “will.” Listen actively to what others are saying and respond with clarity and calmness, while looking for mutually beneficial solutions.

   To communicate well with an assertive communicator, ask them what they think and give them the space to share their ideas. They are solutions-oriented people, so they respond well to suggestions—and even criticism, providing it's delivered with respect.

2. Aggressive communication style

   While the assertive communicator seeks solutions and values what others have to say, the aggressive communicator wants nothing more than to get their own way. As such, they are frequently hostile, demanding and intimidating in their communications, and act like what they have to say is more important than everyone else in the room. Even if what they're saying is correct, the way in which they speak often turns people off.

   If you want to get on with others, this isn't a style that I'd recommend you deploy at work. But what should you do when you encounter an aggressive communicator? First things first, be prepared for the fact that they might try to steamroller you or communicate in a way you find off-putting. Then get to the point of the conversation as quickly as possible, keeping it short and sweet.

3. Passive communication style

   These communicators are people-pleasers, plain and simple. They're easygoing and out to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means they don't convey their own opinions and needs (which may eventually lead to resentment). Passive communicators are happy to let others take the floor, and go along with the ideas of others, and as a result their contributions may not be heard.

   If this sounds like you, try to inject a little more confidence into your communications and emulate the assertive style (even if you're faking it at first). Remember, your contributions matter. Practice setting boundaries and saying no to unreasonable requests, so you don't end up overloaded and resentful.

   To communicate effectively with a passive communicator, give them the opportunity to be heard by directly asking them what they think. Never dismiss their ideas outright or get confrontational, as it will dent their confidence; instead, keep things positive.

4. Passive-aggressive communication style

   A hodgepodge of passive and aggressive, this type of communicator may appear passive and easygoing on the surface, but underneath lies aggression, frustration, and resentment. As a result, they may go too hard on the sarcasm or come off as patronizing.

   Again, this isn't a style you want to be deploying in the workplace. But you'll probably come across passive-aggressive types at some point; in which case, don't be tempted to respond in the same style. Model an assertive, positive tone instead. Also, look for clues on why they might be communicating this way; for example, does their passive-aggressive style come out only at certain times, such as when they're stressed?

5. Manipulative communication style

   This type of communicator rarely says what they mean, and instead uses lies, manipulation, and emotional arguments to get the outcome they want. They may come off as two-faced, fake, or even patronizing. The manipulative communicator knows exactly what they want—just like the assertive communicator—but unlike the assertive communicator, they don't express it directly.

   If you find yourself falling into this style, try to emulate the assertive communicator and be more direct about what you want—while recognizing that your needs are no more important than anyone else's in the conversation.

   To communicate effectively with a manipulative communicator, try redirecting them away from emotional arguments and towards facts. Calmly but firmly sticking to your guns is a good way to show that you don't respond well to manipulation.

You can read more tips for boosting your interpersonal skills later in the chapter.

The importance of storytelling in communication

Twenty years ago I saw a presentation that forever changed how I give presentations. They delivered a speech with PowerPoint slides, yet every slide had nothing but pictures on it. No words—maybe the occasional number, but otherwise just pictures. The speaker then told a story around each slide, using anecdotes and real-world examples to give context. I was so impressed, I copied their approach, and continue to give presentations in the same way. It's revolutionized a part of my job that used to make me really nervous.

This was probably when I first learned the importance of storytelling in communication. By incorporating stories into your communications—especially presentations—you engage people and help them better understand your message. Storytelling is especially important when you're talking about numbers (see Chapter 2, “Data Literacy”). Numbers alone aren't engaging or memorable. Stories are. Which is why it's better to craft a narrative than spew data at people. For example, when I talk about the proliferation of smart, connected devices in our homes, I could reel off any number of statistics about the projected number of smart devices by 2030. Or I could paint a descriptive picture of the smart homes of the future, with smart lighting and speakers that use sensors to gauge your mood and adjust the atmosphere accordingly, and smart fridges that can tell when you're running low on ingredients and automatically order a grocery delivery for you. Which is more interesting?

Companies employ this storytelling strategy all the time. They tell stories of their history and values in order to engage employees and inspire customer loyalty. Politicians tell stories about themselves and their backgrounds in order to create an emotional connection with voters. Take a leaf out of their book and build storytelling into your own communications.

For individuals

• Consider your goal and audience. You want to tailor your communication to your goal and audience, both in terms of style (see different styles of communication, earlier in the chapter) and the medium (email, telephone call, face-to-face, etc.). So think about what it is you want to achieve (are you asking for something, for example?), what action you want the audience to take, and then decide on the best method to achieve that goal.
• Brush up your written communication skills. Spelling and grammar matters, so always proofread any written communications before you hit send. Make sure your message is clear, concise, and free of waffle. Also, be wary of sarcasm because it's really hard to convey it in writing. If you're wanting to portray a particular emotion, try using emojis to reinforce the underlying sentiment.
• Tell a story. When you're communicating a lot of information—such as in a presentation or report—try to tell a story, rather than relying on straight facts and figures. Before you start, distill the information down to one core message, then craft a narrative that really drives that message home. Also try to link the information to real-world events or anecdotes that, for example, bring a struggle to life or demonstrate why the information matters—basically, you're aiming to attach emotions to the information you're delivering. But keep it simple and authentic. You're not looking to win an Oscar here!
• Overcommunicate. One key thing I've learned from experience is to overcommunicate. Even if you think you've made something crystal clear, say it again. And maybe again after that. This leads to the next point.
• Recap information. At the end of a meeting, call, presentation, or even a written report, always quickly summarize the key points (much like I do at the end of each chapter in this book). Also take the opportunity to reiterate any actions that others need to take. Then check for understanding by asking whether it all makes sense and whether anyone needs further clarification.
• Detach from your phone. It's so important to practice active listening. This is why I make it a rule never to have my phone on in a meeting—it's just not fair to everyone else in the room. I highly recommend either leaving your phone elsewhere or switching it off for meetings.
• Show that you're listening. You can do this by nodding, making encouraging “mmm-hmm” sounds, making eye contact, taking notes, and asking follow-up questions.

For teams

Here are some additional pointers if you're working as part of a remote team:

• First things first, revisit the pointers from Chapter 9 on collaborating effectively in remote teams. Collaboration and communication are hugely intertwined.
• Acknowledge that communicating remotely is different from communicating in person. This is especially important if you're used to communicating with your colleagues face to face but now find yourself spending more time working remotely. You may need to tweak communications in line with the new working arrangements—for example, holding meetings at different times to accommodate home life, or making meetings shorter. An hour-long video meeting between 12 people, for instance, could get cumbersome, even if that's how long the meeting used to take in person.
• Use the right communication tool for the right task. For example, you might use Slack for informal conversations, email for formal work-related requests and info, and project management software for project status updates.
• If in doubt, pick up the phone. Especially when you're primarily conveying emotion rather than information, you may find it's better to jump on a call rather than send a written message.
• Use video chat as often as possible. In audio-only calls, you lose those precious nonverbal signals that are key to understanding. So encourage others in the team to embrace video as the default remote meeting format, and for one-to-one chats.
• Remember that you're on camera. When you're on a video call, always remember others can see you! So no reaching for your phone. Watch your body language and facial expressions. And make plenty of eye contact with the camera.
• Don't forget to make time for casual interactions, of the sort you'd have every day if you were in the office.

A quick note for organizations

The above tips for remote teams apply to organizations just as much as individuals, and will become especially important as more teams transition to remote working. Technology is your friend here, so invest in the technology platforms that will help your people communicate effectively from a distance—and perhaps set guidelines on which platform is most appropriate for which type of communication.

Do also revisit the practical steps in Chapter 9 (collaboration) as these will help you boost communication within the business.