Forget perfection

The idea behind looking after yourself and finding balance isn't to pile on further stress and goals, or to make you feel like a failure for not doing certain things. Rather, it's about taking small, practical steps towards a more balanced, more content life. It's about understanding what you need to do in order to feel fulfilled in both areas of your life—work and nonwork—and then committing to those steps.

You'll notice that the word “time” crops up a lot in this chapter. But let me stress that balance isn't about packing more into your day or being more productive. That's not to say time management isn't an important skill (it is; see Chapter 17)—but it's not the secret to finding balance. Balance is about feeling fulfilled and content.

Easily said. Not so easily done. In fact, it feels like modern society is setting us up to fail at this whole balance thing. Gone are the days when (most) families could live on one income, which means many of us are juggling a full-time job alongside the responsibilities of caring for a family (and/or other caring responsibilities). Finding time for things like hobbies or exercise may seem like a pipe dream! However, true “balance” means taking care of yourself as well as others. In order to show up for others, be a good carer or parent, be a good partner, and perform well at work, you have to show up for yourself as well.

As part of this, you may need to make some tough decisions. You may need to say no to certain things, assert stronger boundaries at work, have a more disciplined morning routine, or whatever. I'm not saying it's a piece of cake (remember, this is something I have to work at, too). But a more balanced, more content life is certainly worth striving for. And like all journeys, even tiny steps add up over time.

How's your balance at the moment?

Before we move on, it's worth assessing where you are right now in terms of balance. Ask yourself:

• What am I currently prioritizing? Am I paying more attention to one part of life than the others? How are the other areas affected?
• How am I feeling, emotionally and physically? Am I often frustrated, angry, or tired?
• What is causing me to feel that way? Are there, for example, specific things that are causing stress?
• What needs to change? The practical tips at the end of the chapter should help you devise an action plan that works for you.

Introducing the SHED method

When I came across the SHED Method, developed by performance coach Sara Milne Rowe,¹ it immediately struck a chord with me. SHED stands for Sleep, Hydration, Exercise, and Diet—and according to Milne Rowe, building positive routines in these areas helps us to feel more in control of life. But she also talks about tapping into our five key energies, and this is the part of the book that I found particularly interesting.

The five energies are:

• Body energy. The body is the foundation of the other energies, so this is all about doing things that give your body energy. This is the SHED part, basically—taking care of your Sleep (and rest), Hydration, Exercise (which includes movement of any kind), and Diet. By doing this, you fuel your next energy, mood.
• Mood energy. This involves finding ways to keep your mood calm and positive, and learning how to change your mood when it's not serving you (for example, taking some deep breaths when you feel anxious).
• Mind energy. Positive mood energy in turn boosts your mind energy, which gives you the ability to concentrate, solve problems, make better choices, be curious, and so on.
• People energy. Who you spend time with affects how you feel. Therefore, this energy is about surrounding yourself with people who boost your energy—rather than sap it.
• Purpose energy. This means connecting to whatever drives you (usually something outside of your own self-interest) so that you feel excited about life. Without purpose—without the “why am I doing this?”—life can easily feel like a treadmill.

Milne Rowe says that managing these five energies has a huge impact on your ability to be and feel your best. It makes sense when you think about it—making any sort of sustained change in life (in this case, finding more balance and building lasting self-care habits) requires commitment. And commitment requires energy. If you can increase your energy by building good SHED habits, doing things that boost your mood (and mind), spending time with the right people, and connecting to your bigger purpose, it'll be much easier to make lifestyle changes stick.

Less stress

Stress can have a negative impact on your body, sleep, emotional state, and even your behavior. It can contribute to health conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.² And even comparatively mild physical effects—things like chest pain, fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, upset stomach, heartburn, and poor sleep—can take a significant toll on your physical and mental well-being. You may feel depressed, or go off sex. You may catch cold after cold after cold, because your immune system has been weakened. You may experience relationship problems, because you're snappy and distracted. Stress can leach into every facet of your life, making it difficult to get even a moment's peace.

What I find really concerning is the sheer prevalence of stress these days. One UK study found that 74 percent of people have felt so stressed they were overwhelmed or unable to cope (this was pre-pandemic).³ And when we feel overwhelmed, even small everyday obstacles or decisions can feel insurmountable. The American Psychological Association surveyed Americans about their stress levels during the pandemic and found that a third were so stressed they were struggling to make basic decisions, like what to wear or eat.⁴

Stress can have many causes: ill health, the ill health of a loved one, financial uncertainty, global uncertainty, comparison to other people's (seemingly more successful) lives. But there's no denying that work is one of the biggest causes of stress. According to one survey in the US, a whopping 83 percent of workers suffer from work-related stress.⁵

The thing with stress is that we often turn to coping mechanisms that are exactly the opposite of what we should be doing to alleviate the stress. Almost half of people from that UK survey admitted they turned to unhealthy food because of stress, and around a third either starting drinking or drank more. It's a classic catch-22 situation; because we feel stressed, we eat crap, or polish off a bottle of wine, or laze on the sofa instead of going for a walk. Then we feel even worse as a result.

Since we're very unlikely to eliminate all forms of stress, we need to get better at lowering our stress levels. Taking care of ourselves and creating a more balanced life is the way forward, because it involves doing all the things that help us feel calmer, more focused, less prone to overwhelm, and ultimately less stressed. I cover these practical strategies later in the chapter, but we're basically talking about eating better, sleeping better, exercising, having firm work boundaries, and so on.

Better physical and mental health

Aside from lowering your stress levels, there are other physical and mental benefits to creating a more balanced life. Looking at the physical side, the human body isn't designed to spend eight hours a day, or more, indoors hunched over a desk. We need to move, be outside, get fresh air. Part of leading a more balanced life is creating the time in your daily schedule to get away from the desk and move your body, whether it's simply walking around the block on your lunch break, going for a run after work, or indulging in whatever form of movement floats your boat.

Then there are the mental benefits. I know I feel calmer when I'm getting the balance right. And a calmer mind is generally better able to deal with anxiety, challenges, and negative thoughts when they occur (as opposed to a stressed mind, which might react with panic or catastrophize problems into a much bigger deal than they are). In other words, when you feel balanced and in control, you have the mental breathing room to recognize and process thoughts in a healthier, more considered way, as opposed to just reacting to them.

Better relationships

I'm not just talking about having more time for family and friends here, although that is a clear benefit of finding balance. More importantly, balance gives you the ability to be present when you're with others. You're not distracted by work emails on your phone. You're not thinking about work. You're not snappy or irritable. You're not tired. Of course, sometimes you will be these things. Nobody's perfect. But by implementing habits that help you find balance, the idea is you'll generally be less irritable, tired, stressed, and so on.

Better performance at work

You know those entrepreneurs and business leaders who boast about only getting 4 hours sleep a night and working 20 hours a day? I mean, good for them, if that truly makes them feel content and fulfilled. But the rest of us should leave them to it. Because success doesn't require a one-track, all-or-nothing mindset. You can thrive at work, and still have plenty of bandwidth to thrive in all the other areas of life. (Again, achieving this may require you to prioritize carefully, delegate, or set firmer boundaries, but we'll talk more about the practical stuff later.)

I know for me, having a proper work–life balance and having clear boundaries between my work and nonwork life makes me more successful at work, not less. When I'm at work, I'm more focused. I can concentrate on getting the work done. And I'm more relaxed because I'm taking care of my body, mind, and mood.

More creativity

Things like stress, ill health, lack of sleep, and other symptoms of imbalance all hamper your ability to think creatively because they take up so much mental capacity. This is a problem because creativity is an important part of living a successful, fulfilling life (see Chapter 8). By finding balance—by building some separation between your work and nonwork life, and prioritizing self-care—you make room for creativity. Think of it this way: have you ever been stuck on a problem, then gone for a quick walk and—bam!—the solution pops into your head? This is what happens when you give the brain space to imagine.

Looking after your body

Starting with physical wellness:

• People who do regular physical activity have a lower risk of all sorts of diseases, from bowel cancer and heart disease to diabetes and dementia.⁶ Therefore, it's vital you make time for regular physical activity (walking, running, yoga, etc.). In the UK, the NHS recommends adults do at least 150 minutes of physical activity per week—that's around 20 minutes a day. The easiest approach is to make activity part of your everyday routine, for example, by cycling to work, or walking (rather than driving) to the train station.
• Get outside as often as you can, even if it's just a quick coffee in the sunshine on your morning break.
• Eat a balanced diet, as much as possible made up of whole foods (as opposed to highly processed foods).
• Limit your alcohol consumption.
• Drink more water!
• Practice a good sleep routine. We don't all need nine hours of perfect sleep a night, but we do need a solid, restful sleep routine. So try to go to bed and get up at roughly the same time each day (even on non-workdays). Stay away from your phone, tablet, and other screens in the hour or two before bed. Ensure your bedroom is set up for good sleep (for example, with blackout curtains). And if you choose to have your phone in the bedroom (although, really, you'd be better off just buying an alarm clock), be sure to put your phone into “bedtime” or “do not disturb” mode so you aren't bothered by notifications.

Looking after your mood and mind

A healthy body certainly feeds into a healthy mood and mind, but here are some other steps that have helped me boost my mental health:

• Set strong boundaries between work and nonwork. When I'm not in my office, I'm not working. I'm not checking emails. I'm present with my family or enjoying some quiet time to myself.
• Find ways to unplug and relax. Personally, I find that reading, mindfulness, and running help me to unwind. For you, it could be deep breathing, meditation, long baths, walking in the woods, or getting a massage.
• Make time for hobbies, such as gardening, painting, watching movies, cooking, dancing, or whatever.
• Try to live in the moment, rather than always thinking about what has been and what might happen in the future. Mindfulness is brilliant for learning to be more present because it teaches you to kindly acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, and notice what's going on around you.
• Talk about your feelings, especially when you feel stressed or troubled. And don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, from friends and family, or local/national mental health services.
• Maintain connections with others. There's nothing like a face-to-face catch-up with a friend or loved one, but when getting together in person isn't possible, make time for a call, video chat, or at least a message.
• Reframe unhelpful thoughts. How we think and how we feel are closely connected. Try to recognize unhelpful, negative thoughts that don't serve you and literally turn them upside down. For example, “This presentation is going to be a disaster” becomes “This presentation is going to go smoothly.”
• Let go of worry. It's easy to get into a toxic spiral of anxiety—many of us feel that if we worry about something enough, we can stop it from happening. But your thoughts don't control external events, and if you spend precious time and energy worrying about something before it's happened, you put yourself through the ordeal twice (and that's if the bad thing even comes to pass; often it doesn't). Try to let go and accept that, even if the worst does happen, you have the tools, strength, and support system in place to deal with it.
• Write a letter to your future self. Deep down, you probably know what makes you feel mentally strong, and what to do to take care of your mental health. So, when you're in a good place and feeling strong, write a letter to your future self, to read when things aren't going so swimmingly. In the letter, outline some steps that you know make you feel more positive, and perhaps even list some things that you're grateful for. Save the letter so you can read it in tougher times.
• Embrace imperfection. Perfectionism can lead to stress, so remind yourself that you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to be the best. Being good enough is, well, good enough!
• Remember that finding balance is a journey, not something you achieve once and then you're done. You will constantly have to work at building and maintaining these good habits. It's worth it.

Looking at people and purpose

In terms of these final two energies:

• Look carefully at the people you spend your time with and ask yourself, does this person give me energy or sap my energy?
• Keep company with people who make you feel good—people who are positive and supportive of you.
• Wherever possible, avoid or limit spending time with “energy vampires.” You know the kinds of people I mean—people who leave you feeling drained. People who take rather than give. People whose negativity is contagious, so you find yourself echoing their negative speech when you're in their presence.
• Obviously, if you're part of a team, you may not have a say in who's on that team. Even so, you can spend less time listening to the people who sap your energy and more time around the people who infect you with their positive, can-do attitude.
• Purpose is about doing something meaningful with your time and talent. I know this is often easier said than done (we all have bills to pay). But if you can do a job you love, that's a good starting point.
• If your work life doesn't feed your purpose energy, it's not the end of the world—seek out nonwork activities that give you that precious sense of purpose, whether it's volunteering for a local charity, mentoring or educating others, writing a novel, or whatever.

Making a conscious decision to stick to it

As I've said, building a more balanced life may require you to make some difficult choices and reprioritize. Here are some tips for making better decisions that support your journey:

• Say no to things that aren't a priority for you. Yes, it's good to help people whenever you can, but there will be times when their request clashes with your own priorities. In that case, learn to kindly but firmly say no (or “no, not now”).
• Let go of non-priorities, and outsource or delegate these tasks whenever you can. Circle back to the time management chapter (Chapter 17) for tips on prioritizing your to-do list.
• Eliminate the time-wasting aspects of your day, such as social media notifications that suck you into your phone, and before you know it half an hour has gone by. Switch off app notifications, and ensure your social media activity (or news scrolling, or whatever) takes place on your terms, at times that suit you.
• Treat your time like the precious asset it is. For example, if you're invited to a meeting but you're not sure it's the best use of your time, try saying something like “I don't think I'm the right person to attend this meeting,” or “I don't think I can add value to this conversation, but I look forward to seeing the email recap afterwards.”
• Set strong boundaries—for example, not answering work emails after 5 p.m. or on the weekend—and enforce those boundaries when people try to test them.
• If you work from home, try to create a dedicated workspace that you go to during work hours, and leave behind at the end of the working day, even if it's just a corner of the spare room or an alcove under the stairs.
• Remember to work smart, not work long (again, see time management, Chapter 17).
• When work expectations are simply too much, speak up. Talk to your manager or HR and let them know that the demands are unsustainable.

A quick word for organizations and leaders

Finding balance isn't just the responsibility of individuals; we need workplaces to step up and help people live more balanced, more content lives. The link between stress and productivity (or rather, lack of productivity) is argument enough for this; numerous studies have identified that greater stress leads to lower productivity.⁷

Bottom line, organizations cannot afford to ignore this topic. That's why I believe businesses must:

• Encourage a culture of openness, so people feel free to speak up when the pressure gets too much.
• Ensure leaders model a good work–life balance, for example, by taking regular breaks, getting out of the office at lunchtime, not emailing people outside of work hours, and so on.
• Offer flexible and remote working where possible.
• Train managers to spot signs of stress and poor work–life balance. Have systems in place to support those who need it.
• Let employees take time off for volunteering activities.
• Encourage activities that promote physical activity and lower stress, for example, through subsidized exercise classes, on-site yoga sessions, or gym discounts.
• Ask your employees what they would like the company to do to boost work–life balance.