APPENDIX  A

Resolving Intergenerational Conflict

Conflict is a normal part of all work environments. People disagree about everything from how work should be done to who gets a better parking space. Often, these conflicts can be traced to differences in generational orientation. A Baby Boomer’s need to have buy-in from the entire team before making a decision may clash with a Gen Xer’s desire to make a unilateral decision and move on. A Gen Yer may need direction that her Gen X boss doesn’t think he should have to take the time to give. A Traditional may find a Gen Yer’s lack of formality and manners offensive.

As a manager in these situations, it would behoove you to consider the generational factors that can influence the situation. Here are some questions to ask and some steps to take as you deal with the situation:

What generations are involved?

Is this conflict generational or is something else going on?

What values are at stake for each generation involved?

What are the perceptions each participant has of the situation?

How would each participant describe the positions of those with whom they are conflicting?

How can I communicate to each of them that their values are important?

What Mode Management style normally works best with each of the people involved?

Is that management style appropriate for this conflict? What do I need to change to improve the situation?

What would be the ideal outcome?

What solution would I find acceptable?

What will I do if the situation remains unresolved?

Steps for Resolving Conflict

Since conflicts often arise in a multigenerational environment, it’s helpful to have a forethought strategy. Here are some suggestions, based on the concept of Constructive Confrontation as covered in Absolute Honesty: Building a Corporate Culture That Values Straight Talk and Rewards Integrity, by Larry Johnson and Bob Phillips.¹

1. Do Your Homework

If possible, take time to think about the disagreement. Prepare your thoughts, get your data together, think about what you want to accomplish, and prepare a plan for the discussion. We always do better in any kind of discussion or presentation when we are prepared. This step helps you prepare for the confrontation.

The steps for doing your homework are:

1. Identify the issue. If you don’t know exactly what you want, how can you clarify it for the person you are confronting?

2. Decide if it is an issue. Not all issues need to be confronted. Balance the wisdom of picking your battles with the need to teach people how to treat you.

3. Identify the desired outcome. If you don’t know what you want as a result of the confrontation, you’ll probably end up with something else. Defining what you want ahead of time can help you avoid confronting the person just to make a point, prove yourself right, or punish the person.

4. Determine your interests and theirs. Behind every “position” taken in a negotiation or an argument, there is an interest. If you can identify your interest and theirs ahead of time, you will raise the odds you will find an agreement that meets your mutual interests.

5. Identify alternatives. It is rare that the outcome of a confrontation is exactly as you planned. In fact, this is appropriate since a confrontation always involves the input of one or more other people. If you have thought about the alternatives prior to the confrontation, you are more likely to arrive at an outcome that will be satisfactory to you and the others involved.

6. Create a plan to get there. Even if your plan doesn’t end up being the one followed, it provides a starting point.

2. Open the Debate

Ask the other person to describe the issue as she sees it. Then ask her to help you define the best outcome for the discussion: for example, increased profit, reduced risk, improved quality.

Describe the problem or issue specifically. In clear, concise, nonaccusatory terms, describe the problem in detail.

Use “I” language. The word “you” in a potentially negative situation will almost always be interpreted as accusatory. The thrust of Constructive Confrontation is to focus on, and solve, problems and disagreements. It is not to focus on the faults and foibles of people.

Focus on the “present” and “future.” It is impossible to change the past. When the discussion dwells on events that have already occurred, there is a tendency for all involved to defend their positions and not move to solve the problem.

3. Open Your Ears

Listen to the other person’s point of view without prejudice or thinking about the arguments you can marshal against her point of view. Ask questions to clarify her position and to validate the data. Good listening includes:

Attending. This includes eye contact, body language, and the nonverbal clues that let the other person know that you are listening.

Paraphrasing. This does not mean repeating exactly what the other person said. It is simply summarizing the content that the other person conveyed so you know that you interpreted it as it was meant.

Clarifying. This usually takes the form of asking questions that ensure that the content you received was the content intended. It also can clarify if your interests will be met, and if not, where you can focus to meet those interests.

Empathizing. Until the other person understands that you understand how he feels about the issue, he will not be willing to listen to what you have to say about the issue.

Contributing to their reality. This is simply a way of showing respect for the other person’s side by taking his perspective and adding to it.

4. Open Your Mouth

Offer your point of view in a clear and firm manner supporting your view with data. (Having done your homework really helps here.)

Use “I” language. Remember, the word “you” can be accusatorial. Instead of, “Joe, you’re wrong on this,” try, “Joe, here’s the way I see it.”

Focus on the present and the future; beware of the past.

Claim your reality as your own. Phrase your case in terms of the way you see it, not as if it were the “truth.”

Be clear and firm about what you need. To paraphrase Mick Jagger: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try … you can get what you need.”

Remember the difference between “position” and “interest.” What you need is your “interest”; what you want is your “position.”

5. Open Your Mind

Direct the discussion toward a goal that works for both of you and, more importantly, is the best solution for the company.

Agree on the outcome. Ask the other person to help you define the best outcome for the discussion: for example, increased profit, reduced risk, improved quality. The point is to mutually agree on a goal for the discussion that rises above turf or ego issues and goes directly to the heart of what is best for the company, the community, or even the world. Then direct the discussion to that end.

Review the data. It is tempting to try to reach a solution before all the facts are in. Doing so will often result in a poor decision.

Integrate their concerns and wants if possible. Remember, their trust comes from knowing that you have their interests in mind as well as your own.

Ask for possible solutions. There is usually more than one way to solve a problem. By asking the other person for ideas, you increase the chances you will get a solution she can live with.

6. Close the Deal

Restate the agreed-upon solution. Assign responsibilities and follow-up dates. Agree to disagree and commit if necessary.

Clarify who will do what. In a heated conversation, often the final assignments associated with a resolution of the confrontation can be vague. It is important to make sure each person in the discussion is aware of what he or she is going to do differently as a result of the confrontation. You might even want to write out the agreement to minimize misunderstanding.

Agree to disagree and commit. No matter what your feelings are at the end of the confrontation, whatever decision made must now be supported. Bad mouthing a decision or the outcome of a confrontation is not acceptable.

Follow up and measure. Set a date to rediscuss the issue to ensure that the solutions you agreed upon are working.