THE JERK WHO THREW A TANTRUM

After the shock, her first thought was to protect herself.

It wasn’t personal.

Kayla had wanted to work in publishing ever since college. She found a spot in public relations, but as her experience shows, unsavory characters can be part of the job:

I took this novelist to a television interview. We were in the green room. A Japanese woman and her assistant were with him, filming B roll for a promotion. He had an Asian female friend with him too. TV stations don’t allow other film crews to work in the building, so the show’s producer asked them to leave, and they did.

When the author finished hair and makeup, he saw that I was the only one there. He demanded to speak to the producer, who hadn’t realized the author’s friend was not part of the crew. Actually, no one had to leave; they just couldn’t film.

The novelist lost it. He started screaming: “I want to speak to the head of the network! My lawyer is going to speak to you! I want to speak to your lawyer!” He accused everybody of being a racist and believing that all Asians looked alike. He screamed at the producer: “It’s impossible to make this up to me!” I thought the producer would burst into tears. The author was shaking with rage. It was a disaster.

I was frozen, afraid to move because the author might turn on me. He had been exceedingly rude and condescending in e-mails, but I didn’t know about his rages. It was pretty scary. I was trying to maintain my composure and maintain a relationship with the producer. I wanted us to stay on track for the interview. Then the novelist did the interview as if nothing had happened. That was even scarier. Everyone thinks this man is so charming. People have no idea that he is seething underneath.

Kayla kept it together. Once she took leave of the author, she rushed back to the office to see her boss. She didn’t know if she could continue for two more days:

There was no reason to cry or be upset about failure. I had done nothing wrong. I just couldn’t believe a person would behave this way and that I had to witness and be subjected to it. I was so uncomfortable.

No one was surprised. My boss put our next actions into motion. My boss’s boss sent me an e-mail to apologize. Everyone came together to help. Then I e-mailed the show’s producer and apologized, stating it was a misunderstanding, but the author’s behavior was unacceptable.

It was obvious that we could not fix the problem. I had to suck it up and do a few more events, seeing the author again. We worked it out so that the editor went on the other interviews—not her normal role.

When Kayla dropped off the author at the airport, she was relieved. He continued to bully her by e-mail, calling her an idiot for getting a date wrong. It took Kayla years to be reconciled to what happened:

You never know what’s going to go down. You’re not going to like everybody you work with. I had lingering anger and frustration.

I knew I had done a good job and that my mistakes were small. It was such unnecessary drama that I thought, I don’t need this in my life. I had never seen a person change so dramatically in an instant. It was unexpected. Amazing.

Looking back, Kayla would have liked to have gotten through the experience more calmly, but she knew the novelist’s behavior reflected only on himself.

THE MONSTER WHO TURNED GOLD INTO DUST

Sometimes the only thing to do in a bad situation is to cut your losses and go.

Hannu grew up in a very small town in Finland, an only child. Passionate about physics and mathematics from the start, life was lonely. So he left home for college and a life of mathematics and science with like-minded colleagues:

I was in Edinburgh learning about string theory, as was Sam. We were fascinated and enjoyed it, but about 10 people in the world cared. Sam wondered how to use mathematics to solve real-world problems. We got our idea for the startup in a conference where companies were recruiting academic mathematicians. Our big turning point was when we took part in a business competition. The judge became our advisor, and then we made her CEO of our consulting startup.

Dream come true? Not quite. Things took a turn a few years later when the CEO brought her husband into the firm:

We started with trust. Things were going well for a year or so. He was an older Frenchman, charming and friendly, with a background in psychiatry. He was only our advisor and not involved with the work.

But at some point, it became a rule that he attended client meetings. He was very aggressive, and we lost some clients. After that, he started to edit every report. Sam and I tried very hard to understand him, but it was difficult. He had elaborate ideas on AI, with no substance. When we pointed that out, he exploded. He shouted and swore.

He would never apologize; he blamed us. The CEO would speak to us individually about how badly we had behaved, and she would schedule a meeting where we apologized to him. It got worse. We could not write a single e-mail without his approval. Our e-mails went through him, and then his wife, and back to us. He started to get paranoid. He was convinced that Chinese spies had hidden microphones in the office.

The couple had kept our salaries very low, using dividends instead. We had a draconian shareholder agreement that meant that we would lose our entire stake if we left before five years. We also had a noncompete.

Hannu was in denial with many good reasons for why. But he could not ignore his deteriorating health:

It was pretty scary. This was our company, our shared dream, and we had built it from scratch. We had hired really good people and developed them. We had good clients and an exciting space project under way.

I generally have quite an optimistic outlook. I believe that most problems are solvable. I thought the CEO and her husband would change through discussion. They might go away. I feared that the CEO’s husband had more business experience, and maybe I didn’t know how things worked. He said he could try to be less volatile and we could all work on the communication, but nothing really changed. We had the stress of attracting clients, carrying our staff, and travel.

Sam and I began to experience panic attacks. I got them every Sunday night and every time I checked e-mail. I had shortness of breath, pressure in my chest, butterflies, and a cold sweat.

Nine months later, Sam and Hannu faced the facts. They went to see a lawyer and prepared for a showdown:

The CEO requested a letter from us outlining her husband’s contributions. Instead, we prepared a letter with our lawyer. When we finally met, they exploded, calling us snakes, scorpions, and other unflattering names.

During that meeting, we maintained a veneer of complete calm. We had pulled the trigger. We had the satisfaction of standing up to the bully.

Six years in, Hannu and Sam walked away from the company they had founded. Hannu went on to cofound an exciting medical devices startup, and Sam became a successful software contractor.

THE MEAN GIRL WHO INTERFERED

Whether his colleague felt shame or changed her ways was irrelevant. John had proved himself the bigger person, able to forgive.

John’s mother raised him on her own as she studied and worked. When she decided to homeschool John, his outlook on life changed forever:

I was in fifth grade in a public school, looking for validation from friends, when my mother snatched me out of that environment. She was a teacher by nature, always doing math with me, but I also got to explore what I was interested in. I begged for a keyboard.

At Christmas, I got one and started producing music. Music gives you the ability to express things you don’t know how to express with words. It relieved my stress; it helped me connect. Music shaped my identity in my community. It has done a lot for what I bring to work.

Although not well off in material things, John’s mom, grandmother, and uncle loved him deeply. At the end of his first year in college, he won a scholarship to study business and his world opened up:

My mom cried, obviously. My family has a history of working-class jobs, but she wanted me to have a better life than her. She pushed me to apply. I thought business was great because we need more entrepreneurs in the black community. And I’m a nerd! I loved it.

I joined an African-American fraternity. I was very ambitious, and this put me in line with a lot of black men who showed me what professional looks like. I realized how much intention I could have.

Still, John started work in a big retailer with self-doubt that grew more powerful when a former colleague intervened to hold him back:

In my first few months, I was trying to get my bearings at work. I was the inventory planner on a team with an experienced merchant. She reminded me of the characters in Mean Girls—cliquey, fashion forward, popular. Two months in, I got feedback that I had areas for improvement. Taking that to heart, I improved and was placed on other teams.

A few years later, I started having conversations about moving to a new category to broaden my experience. A meeting was set up, and the new manager was going to take me on. I was pretty excited!

On the morning of Friday, the 13th (it was), I received an e-mail I should not have seen. It involved several managers including my old manager, the new one, and that mean girl. She was dragging my name through the mud. Had she seen my numbers, she would have known I was top tier, but her early impression had lasted. You wonder how people perceive you who do not interact with you.

John’s response surprised his managers. He behaved with understanding, setting aside anger and regulating his response:

When I saw the e-mail, I was shocked and hurt. Then I became angry. Feedback is a gift, but this wasn’t. People smile in your face, and then they say mean things behind your back.

I asked my manager how it all went down. She had tears in her eyes; she was embarrassed. But I took it graciously. The incident enabled my leaders to see how I dealt with adversity. That boosted their confidence in me. I met with my prospective manager. He still offered me the lateral promotion. I took the same role in a different category.

I’m now cautious in how I deal with people who see me in a limited way. Even though my manager defended me, I realized I had to be smarter about how I focused. Retention and engagement of blacks and Hispanics are challenges overall. We’re working in predominately white institutions. Instances of racism or prejudice are happening all over. It’s why companies lose great talent.

I have friends from the best Ivy League colleges, and I’m friends with people who have criminal records. I’m hyperconscious. A lot of friends are struggling with the world around them.

Promoted next to manager of diversity and inclusion, John’s new responsibility was companywide leadership development and engagement. Good things are happening.

THE 24/7 CRITIC

Live more in the present. That means letting go of past decisions and, for the moment, future ones.

Tara had it made. Popular and class president in high school, she went on to a top university. There she got top grades. Offered a job by some choice tech companies, Tara was also accepted by two business schools. It doesn’t get any better than that. But in her first year after college, the company Tara joined restructured. No matter. She took the generous severance package and began to weigh her options:

Weirdly, I didn’t panic. Initially, I was excited about the layoff. It was a great opportunity to try something else; I was nervous I would not maximize that opportunity, though. What if my choice was not optimal?

There were all these things I had wanted to get done in that job. I thought I should have accomplished more. With another month I would have gotten so much more done! I started thinking, Did I have any purpose while I was there?

I was nervous about finding the next step. I got a startup offer pretty quickly, but I wasn’t sure I was 100 percent excited. It was a substantial pay cut. That was unimportant. I felt unsatisfied and nervous about making the wrong decision. Should I go somewhere with a good brand name? I still have misgivings today. I question if I did the right thing. What else should I be doing? Honestly, I know there’s no way to know if it’s good for my career. But even in college, I still wondered, Should I have gone to the other college I got into?!

My way of coping is to go over the decision and see if the benefits I thought I would get are turning out to be true.

The startup job fit Tara’s criteria, and after more consideration, she joined:

I liked knowing everyone. I sat next to the CEO. In my second week, I led a companywide meeting! I led the charge to change our analytics infrastructure. It felt like a big step up.

I was a little nervous because I felt like I wasn’t ready to have the analytics responsibility. Maybe I should have gone to a place where people would train and teach me. Only time will tell if this was the right decision.

A year later, Tara quit. She wasn’t happy there. It was time to start living in the present. So Tara talked her way into a six-week marketing analytics internship, working for the globally acclaimed rock star she had idolized for years. Afterward, Tara joined a big tech firm and started in the foreign country where her grandparents lived. Both items had been on her bucket list. When we talked again, Tara felt more satisfied, although still reviewing some decisions.

THE BOSS WITH A BAD RAP

Even a difficult character has strengths to appreciate.

Make it your business to find them.

Caleb started life in Ethiopia, coming to the United States when he was a baby. His father moved the family again for his UN work, this time to Italy. Caleb was 14 and miserable:

That Christmas, my parents sent me home to friends. When I returned, I had a rare moment of maturity. I realized that they were doing this to help us. I told myself to stop being a brat! Four of the best years of my life followed. I learned to see other people’s perspectives. That’s become my key personality trait. I put myself in other people’s shoes.

Then my father fell ill with cancer during my sophomore year in college. I was in a bad place. I stopped going to classes and practically flunked out. I moved home to help my mom. It hit me that my dad passed away when I was not achieving. That burden stayed with me.

Caleb finished college, and after a few years in a corporate job, he went to film school. Unexpectedly, his stint in the movie business readied Caleb for working with a difficult boss at the financial institution he joined a few years later:

In film school, we worked in small groups, rotating through every role. By day 2 of everyone’s project, I was invited to be assistant director. I thought, Maybe some of the skills people think I have I actually have! I was the only one who could work comfortably with everyone on the team. At times, the student director did not know what he was doing, and I was able to guide him without making him feel pushed around. I learned to speak with people in a way that reduced friction.

I use that today. I had seen the earlier feedback on my boss. The last two folks in my role had had a horrible experience. Word was, she was very difficult to work for. I’m not sure what the other people were doing. I came here without judgment and with an open mind, understanding that I was the new person. I needed to understand how the ecosystem worked without trying to shape it. I picked up things quickly and didn’t need a lot of hand-holding.

My boss was very bottom line and detail oriented, so I focused on those things. I asked the right questions versus being off base for what was not important to her. She had little patience for tangents. She had to trust me with work, and I was able to deliver early. That bought me the benefit of the doubt and a cushion; I had some credit to work with.

A lot of her work personality overlaps with mine. I know when to ask questions, when to interrupt, when to check in versus working independently. I also know how to deflate tension with the right joke at the right time. I rephrase my questions to match a solutions orientation. She feels comfortable with me, and I with her. We get along fantastically well.

Where other people saw a difficult boss, Caleb saw a talented manager with valid needs. His father would have been proud.

TAKING ON YOUR

PEOPLE CHALLENGE, PART II

Everyone has the capacity to be a jerk at work. We all have our moments. Some bosses are tough, aggressive, direct, and task oriented. That’s acceptable even if it doesn’t suit you. Bob Sutton defines “certifiable assholes” as people who are out-and-out rude and who have a sadistic tendency to make you squirm, leaving you feeling demeaned and de-energized.*

Certain conditions exacerbate some people’s tendency to get nasty: poor health, lack of sleep, junk food, long hours, not enough breaks, constant job stress. They take it out on you via their brashness, meanness, and hotheadedness. When Matthew came up against that kind of behavior, he withheld judgment. John responded with forgiveness. However, some villains pose greater challenges. Tara had to untangle an entrenched pattern of self-bullying driven by fear. Caleb chose to adapt and focus on his tough boss’s strengths. Kayla and Hannu faced extreme bullies. They may be rare at work, but certifiable assholes devastate everyone in their path.

While these difficult situations are unpleasant, life improves once you face them. In all cases, there’s a lot you can do to improve your experience at work.