“Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day. Little Johnny wants to play,” the nursery rhyme invites. How do you prepare for the cloudy weather? Just when you least expect it, it arrives and changes how you want to play. After a fabulous start and great progress in the game, you roll the dice one more time, and you're asked to return home. Or you draw a card and you have to give away your best prizes, the ones that took you the longest to get. However, you know that if you still want to play, you have to be a good sport. This is the skill of the Flexibility Hand. Just when you think you know the rules, they change. People who play this hand well are able to accept change, let go, change habits, break old rules, and move forward to the future.
And the rains came. . . .
The wedding plans were set. Everything was in its place. The hotel was reserved, the flowers had been ordered, the last guests had RSVP'd, and the cake frosting finally selected. Then the rented tuxes arrived—surprisingly, in lime green.
They were the best next-door neighbors you could want. The women co-hosted birthday parties. The men grilled out. The boys played into dusk with sticks and bugs. Then Jay's corporate headquarters moved, and new neighbors moved in with a red-haired baby girl who couldn't play with sticks and bugs at all.
The team was thriving, largely because of Joe. Everyone loved him. He was a manager unlike any boss they'd had before. He was a truly genuine, caring kind of guy. Unexpected corporate battles were making national news, however; mid-level managers were getting outplaced right and left—and then the company outplaced Joe.
The kids were grown and settled in cozy apartments with nice start-up careers. She was in her early sixties and her hobby as a porcelain artist had grown into a nice little home-based business that allowed her and her semiretired husband to travel to interesting trade events. A yearly physical checkup seemed routine—and then there was the cancer diagnosis.
“The best laid schemes o'mice an' men, gang aft agley,” wrote Robert Burns in 1786 in his poem “To a Mouse.” Burns' inspiration occurred when he accidentally upturned a mouse's nest while plowing a field. The challenge of disruption and the force of change have fed the creative minds of great writers for centuries. When the reality of change hits you personally, it can be either inspiring or devastating.
Some of the changes you face are universal human conditions: birth, life, death, partnership, relocation, children growing up, progress. Other changes you face are tied to the times you live in: technology, the market, war or peace, the economy, or transportation. For example, job loss has been a devastating change for many people in recent history. In fact, in the first two years of the twenty-first century, more than two million jobs in the United States were lost. When you lose your job, you often lose your bearings because your job is the anchor that grounds your identity. Even being transferred to a different location can be a big adjustment.
Deb did a great job of appreciating small moments throughout a sizable change in the daily structure of her life. When the company asks you to commute farther or work with new people, let the small things bring you happiness. The small things will begin to add up.
Both Deb and Linda learned to find happiness in specific aspects of change. For Deb, it was her colleagues and even her commute through the woods. For Linda, it was a chance to be both a mom and a professional who earned a repeat customer. Earlier you read about your joy sensor. Remember it now and be mindful of what brings you joy during change. Change in life is inevitable. You might as well accept it and find happiness where you can.
Living an active life means living through setbacks and failures. Try asking anyone you know, What's the last thing you did that was perfect? See what kind of response you get. Most people will not be able to come up with much. Getting through imperfect, difficult days, weeks, and months is a challenge for anyone, and people who get through most successfully are able to engage in some form of letting go. Some people exercise; some write poetry or call old friends. Others talk to themselves.
With a little effort, you can put bad traffic in perspective. With a little more effort, you can put an argument with a colleague or the loss of a major account in its place. To be flexible is to let go. Like Lou, you could adopt a mental mantra, a simple mental incantation to adjust your attitude. Some people say, “This too shall pass.” Others use, “Don't worry. Be happy.” Maybe your mantra is just “Chill,” or “Take it easy.” Nobody else will do this for you. The mental commitment is yours. Buddha once wrote, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.” Your thoughts are yours to master.
You could be holding on to bad relationships. You could be holding a grudge needlessly that's affecting your morale. Is there someone or something that you just don't want to be tied down to any longer? Speaker and psychologist Beverly Smallwood, Ph.D., often ties an audience member to her with a rope around each of their waists when she speaks about change. The visual of two people tied with rope really demonstrates how you can carry around dead weight—all those past issues never addressed and those past relationships never healed. What should you do when change that you don't like, don't want, and don't need surrounds you? Let it go. When you get a parking ticket, the best thing to do is to pay and mail it. Let it go.
Women in pioneer America got together for quilting bees. Farm life was often hard, and quilting helped connect them. They gathered around a large wooden frame and all worked on a single quilt. They often quilted outdoors when daylight was plentiful during the long summer days. You can imagine that they laughed about their children or worried about their families' crops as they quilted, sitting on a variety of mismatched farm chairs. This was their network—their bridge to each other. A quilting bee was their telephone—their communication connection.
Today, especially in times of change, it's important to communicate with other people as much as you can. Arrange your own form of a quilting bee, even if it's just coffee or drinks at the local pub. Like the traditional bees, it could also be a hobby-based gathering. Scrapbooking is one popular way for women to get together to talk and create, often with their children. Men and women can also connect during a sport, such as golf or a softball league. Take time to reunite with people you haven't seen in a while, such as high school friends. When you compare your feelings with others in your own age range, you'll typically find some common ground that will help you feel more at ease. Retreats are popular for many reasons; the main one is that they inspire relaxed communication. You can plan your own retreat by asking friends to contribute to room rental and food at a local low-cost hotel.
If your organization is in the midst of a change, merger, or acquisition, it's important to talk about it. Ask your team leader or your manager to help you understand what is happening. Volunteer to organize a meeting. If you manage others, you should tell your team members that you appreciate them. Try to provide incentives and opportunities to keep people motivated and interested and don't forget to provide forums for people to talk. People don't like to guess about why things are happening. Negativity can fester if it's not given a way to vent.
If you're new on the scene, it's important to take the initiative to establish important communication links. Do it as soon as possible. In the first chapter, you met Gary, who moved his family to the South to build a career in financial services. Even before his family joined him, Gary knew that gaining the trust of the other employees in the organization would be important. He got to know them, learned their culture, and communicated a lot. One day, one of the key players said to a major client, ”You've known me for 30 years; now let me tell you you've got to see Gary; he's got some good ideas.” Gary learned that he had to communicate to the internal team first.
Like Gary, Melanie, and Kathleen, you will find that a move to communicate is a move to connect. People today are too busy, for the most part, and communication is often poor because of assumptions. People assume that they are understood. They don't take the time to check. Don't be afraid to ask questions and, if you're in a communication disconnect, take the initiative to say something to correct it. One moment to clarify will waylay hours of guesswork and frustration.
When you want to change a habit, how long do you think it will take? Chances are that it will take much longer than you want. Most skills and behaviors take months and years to change. If you've ever hit a backhand in tennis or changed a diaper, you know how experienced you get with practice. If you've ever managed people or chaired a project, you know how much better you are the second time around. So the first key to changing habits is the honest awareness that it will take time. Research actually suggests that it takes from three to six months to change an old habit.
The next key is to have realistic expectations. Dieters are told that if they fall off for one meal, it's important not to just give up and eat chocolate chip cookies all day. They should get back on track the next day or even the next meal. No matter what change you're undergoing, allow yourself some imperfection. You will probably fail in some aspects, especially at first. In fact, studies of people who are successful at long-term change suggest that they just don't let themselves fall into the “all-or-nothing” trap. They monitor their behavior. They create incentives for themselves to stick to their goals. They also see difficulties as little detours rather than major washouts.
Another key to changing habits successfully is to redouble your effort. Try harder. People who succeed do what others don't do. Don't judge yourself too quickly. Self-evaluation is good, but give yourself a chance. You need to ask yourself, Was that attempt sincere or was it just a half-hearted one? Am I really committed to this? Maybe I need another plan. Maybe I need help. The good news is that most people who fail the first time try again. Only 15 percent give up totally.
Michael's incredible story ended in love . . . and horses. He never gave up on himself. He knew that he was better than the face he saw in the mirror. Everyone stumbles, and if you accept your stumble as just a setback in a natural process of getting ahead, you will never give up on yourself. What can you do to move on? One thing is to get specific. Specifics really help. It's the difference between saying, I wish I had a bigger income, to I'm going to get online tonight and research what I need to do to advance my skills. It's the difference between complaining, I wish I could talk; to my teen, to committing, I'm going to take a teen parenting class. Researchers once thought that people should address only one change of habit at a time; today there's strong evidence to suggest that it's possible to tackle multiple habits, provided that they're related. So you could take a teen parenting class as well as work on cooking simple meals at home. They both relate to improving your habits with your family, and together they support your core values.
Aristotle is noted for saying, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Why not make it yours?
Children have a special perspective about breaking the rules as this story illustrates. A mother and her six-year-old daughter were in the kitchen. She was doing dishes while the child was eating a peanut butter sandwich at the kitchen table.
“Mom,” she said, “you know how when you have an emergency and you do something you're not supposed to do?”
“Yes . . . ,” the mom answered cautiously, knowing her daughter's past antics and wondering what she had conspired this time.
Her daughter continued brightly, “Like just now I had peanut butter stuck on the roof of my mouth and I had to gulp my milk.”
The mother, trying hard not to laugh, solemnly said, “Honey, that's OK; you did what you had to do.”
Perhaps you, too, have felt that you're stuck with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth. You gulp your milk, but you have an awkward sensation that something is just not right. It's just not supposed to be that way. It could be that you're in a crisis situation, or it could be a sense of misalignment: What you value most just isn't in the right position in your life. The top five global values, according to a 2002 Roper Reports Worldwide survey, are first, protecting the family, then honesty, health and fitness, self-esteem, and knowledge. In 1990, 70 percent of U.S. consumers considered being an executive the number one status symbol. Ten years later, only 68 percent agreed, replacing that status with having a second home. If you're like most, you're looking for ways to get out of the rat race. You want to protect what you value most, and you don't mind breaking the old rules that your parents followed if it means more happiness for you.
It's not easy to break the rules. It's just not the way people are raised. In a game, rules make everything work. They keep people on track. If you break a rule, supposedly, you are punished and you have to go back home. Sometimes, however, risk taking means breaking old patterns of behavior and defining new expectations. Maybe you need to build a new game.
How you deal with change in your life is up to you. You can make your own rules. Take your own path. Learn over time what you value most and live your values. Beth Copeland Varga writes a heart-tugging ode to the passage of time in her essay, “Mothers' Wishes come True Too Soon.” She is inspired to write as she watches a neighbor's little girl playing in the backyard next door: “A sunburst of tousled blond curls, short chubby legs, a round rosy face,” as her tired-looking young mother follows her around the yard. Beth is transported back in time to when her own fifteen-year-old daughter was a toddler: “The sticky lollipop feel of her hand as we crossed the street together, the weight of her head on my shoulder as I read to her at bedtime.” Later, she pauses at her teen's doorway: “A typical teenager's room: an empty 7-Up can on the desk, stuffed animals, rumpled sheets, balled-up socks on the floor, CDs scattered like dominoes across her carpet, a wet towel in the corner. . . .” She shares, “We're passing through the fire of adolescence, the years of slammed doors and driver's ed, of hormones, MTV and curfews. The children who once clung to me and vied for my attention now talk on the phone behind closed doors and roll their eyes skyward when I offer suggestions about clothing or hairstyles. . . .” As more memories come, she realizes how important it is to cherish the moments with your children. She closes the essay: “The wishes of sleep deprived mothers come true. Little girls grow up and move away. And their mothers stay home, missing them. Wishing for one more dandelion bouquet.”
If your heart and mind tell you that you need to take some time heading in a new direction, as William and Chris did, or appreciating your small children, as Beth did, do it. Take a time out. Take a detour on the game board. Wait one turn. Skip two spaces instead of one. Break the old rules of the game.
The last play in the Flexibility Hand is to move forward. Nothing happens without action. Great ideas and attitudes are only the beginning. You need to put them into play. Watch, listen, and learn what's going on around you so you can make a winning move.
Sometimes the best moves forward are made after careful looks backward. Tim not only discovered a new career, but also he and his wife took the opportunity to relocate to an area they loved. They were excited by the fresh start. Moves offer a chance for greater happiness and adventure, often when you least expect it.
Being able to learn from mistakes and move forward is a lesson repeated in many of the hands in the game. People who have the biggest toolboxes have the most wisdom when it comes to fixing things. Toolboxes equip you to meet the demands of life and work today. They also help you prepare for the future.
All solutions lie in the future. You can study the past and experience the present, but you're always looking forward to get better. Who would have ever thought that google—“to google someone”—would become a verb that would be trademarked? Who would have guessed that authors would write and editors would edit books on a computer screen without ever seeing each other? Who would know that our average life span would keep rising every year? You never know when or where your next opportunity could lie.
To be flexible in life is to be free from bindings and hard-and-fast rules. Rules exist to guide you, not to stifle you. Plans change. Lime green tuxes can actually look nice with yellow boutonnières. New neighbors bring new stories and fun to the block. New managers who are even more motivating than the old join the company. Unexpected diagnoses put life's real treasures into perspective. Your Flexibility Hand, played well, will allow you to play all of these situations and move forward. Now it's your turn to play.
