chapter 1
How do you build trust?
- Building rapport and trust
- Encouraging openness and honesty
- Improving collaboration
‘Either we’re a team or we’re not. Either you trust me or you don’t.’
Ally Carter
Self-assessment
Before reading the chapter, do the following quick self-assessment.
How would you rate the following in your team?
A team on paper only
The meeting hadn’t started yet, and the 14 people around the table were all on their smartphones or laptops. They were tapping away or had their phone headsets on, acting as a barrier to shield themselves from their immediate surroundings. Apart from two people having a hushed conversation, there was no other interaction going on between the people around the table.
The group was waiting for their leader Davide to turn up. He had summoned them here for a monthly team meeting. All working for a French construction company, they were based in different locations around Europe. They had officially been a team for three months and had met on several occasions and yet, with the exception of a couple of people, they didn’t know each other at all. Their average age was late 40s and there was a wealth of industry experience in the room. It represented a gold mine of opportunities for this team to be very successful.
There was a sudden burst of energy as the door flew open. Heads turned towards Davide, their leader, as he raced into the room, pulling out his earphones while finishing a conversation in an abrupt manner: ‘I need to go now. I’m starting a meeting, talk later.’
His dramatic entrance was met by raised heads followed by a quick return to what they had been doing before.
‘OK, let’s get started. We have a lot to get through and not much time.’ He rattled through the agenda, which was far too ambitious, making everyone painfully aware that they weren’t going to be able to do all of it. Everyone nodded as none of them was courageous enough to say what they really thought.
There was no chitchat going on, which meant Davide could get started straight away on his list of agenda topics. And he didn’t invite any small talk either. Going around the room, each person was asked to give an individual update. This was mostly in the form of a dialogue with Davide, and no one else intervened. The other 13 people were like an unwilling audience, some of them still on their smartphones which they now held under the table.
Why do I have to be here? This is a waste of my time. I have so much to do. I wonder what my team is doing now, I should have been there instead. I can’t wait until this weekend and some time off. Is it really three hours to lunch? Oh, here we go again, another boring update!
These were some of the thoughts running through the minds of those present.
Davide continued to move the agenda along, listening to each person’s update, asking some questions and then moving on, never encouraging any interaction or sharing, simply expecting a straightforward report. Fred was half way through his update, when he mentioned how some key metrics of the production scorecard were improving at the manufacturing plant in Germany.
Jon was suddenly paying attention. The information had filtered through to him despite his apathy, and the reason was he knew straight away that Fred was not telling the truth. Jon had been at the plant the previous week and knew these metrics had not improved. He had even participated in a meeting where this had been discussed. Jon felt acutely uncomfortable but tried to hide his reaction. He didn’t know Fred, he didn’t even know Davide very well or any of the others; and he didn’t feel he could bring this up. He asked himself why Fred would not be sharing the true state of affairs with this team. He must have his reasons, he thought. But as he didn’t know or trust him, he decided to keep quiet, making a mental note to tread carefully in this team.
Exploring the problem
In the example above, the group of people is a team on paper, but not really functioning like a team in reality. The lack of interaction suggests they are a group of strangers rather than an effective team.
There are some obvious issues with how this team is acting and behaving. These issues apply to many teams.
Interaction
There is no natural chitchat. Even though they are all in the room together, only two people are talking to each other.
There is no eye contact between people. They are even actively avoiding it by getting stuck into their gadgets instead. And without eye contact, no real contact can be made.
They are all doing their own thing, reading emails, talking on the phone – the way people do when they sit on a train with strangers.
Respect
When the updates are being made, they are not interested in or respectful of each other and each other’s updates. They are not paying attention and they are instead on their smartphones under the table. You could argue that if everyone is doing the same thing, no harm is done, but the fact is that most people would still find it disrespectful if it was done to them.
The team snubs their leader as he enters the room, but he doesn’t really notice that. He is not attuned to or aware of what is going on in the room.
Leader behaviours
The leader is late, but doesn’t apologise or comment on this. He seems unaware of the fact that it could annoy people that he has left them waiting. And as he has not spent any time bonding with the team, they will be less forgiving of this kind of behaviour.
Davide’s agenda is his own rather than that of the whole team. He’s not involving the others in the agenda or asking for any input. This makes the team members feel like order takers rather than mature contributors.
Any interaction is purely one-to-one rather than inclusive of the team. The conversation flows between leader and individual team members only.
Openness
The limited interaction between team members means there is limited exchange of experience and the team is not benefiting from the extensive experience represented in the room.
Information is not honestly shared, as represented in the last two paragraphs of the example. And when people realise that, they get cautious and suspicious.
Dishonest disclosures are not challenged. Even though Jon knows that Fred is not telling the truth, he keeps quiet, which further stops any effective teamwork.
These actions and behaviours do not lead to trust and if they continue over time they create active distrust, which is counterproductive to effective teams and team results.
Teams where people don’t trust each other don’t create teamwork, they just create work. And more work than needed. Pretty silly, huh?
The reasons for lack of trust in teams
The first common reason for lack of trust is simply that people don’t know each other. It’s hard to trust someone you don’t know. In this example, the members of the team are simply individuals reporting to the same person, nothing more nothing less. They don’t know each other and are showing no wish to change that.
There are of course a number of problems with such a scenario. If people don’t know each other, then they don’t understand each other, and they don’t want to engage or take an interest, because they haven’t made that human connection. Therefore they don’t trust each other.
A human connection happens when two or more people meet and talk to each other about more than just the facts. In the example above, Davide is simply asking for a factual update. This process means that they are not relating to those facts, they are only relaying them. It’s transactional rather than relationship driven. Mere facts may interest people but will rarely engage them on an emotional level. As a result they are unlikely to share information with each other unless they have to, good or bad. This leads to a hesitance to share what they know, which creates a lack of trust. This means they never get to know each other outside the factual dialogue and can’t create an effective relationship, let alone a working one. Would you choose to work in those circumstances?
A brilliant working relationship demands a great personal relationship, as people don’t leave their persona at home when they come to work. Additionally, when people bring their thoughts and feelings to the team, it provides more valuable information about the subject and it becomes easier for people to relate to. This makes them more engaged and willing to participate, sharing their knowledge and experience. It’s a win–win strategy that benefits the individual, the team and ultimately the business and its customers.
The reasons why team members don’t know each other
Here are the top reasons:
- They just want to get on with the job tasks, and are not seeing working relationships as part of that job.
- They are busy enough as it is when they meet.
- It’s not encouraged by leaders or others.
- They don’t see it as important, they don’t see the point.
- They don’t prioritise it.
- Personality differences exist.
- Negative first impressions have been formed and can be hard to change.
- Egos get in the way of connecting with others.
Whatever the reason, not knowing each other has an impact.
The impact of team members not knowing each other
- They withhold information and also don’t share their ideas and experiences with each other.
- They don’t feel comfortable telling the truth. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are lying or having a negative intent. It simply means they are cautious with what they say for fear of the reaction they will get. This could be the result of previous experience where truth was not welcome, where a leader ‘shot the messenger’, didn’t like what he/she heard and punished the person who was being honest. It could also be because they are noticing that others are not telling the truth.
- They miss out on opportunities for quick answers and resolutions to problems. In the example above, Jon actually has previous experience and connections, which could help resolve the issues at the German plant quickly and easily. As Fred doesn’t know this he doesn’t invite Jon’s input. And, as Jon doesn’t know how Fred will react, he doesn’t offer.
- What is interesting to remember is that the behaviours described here are not always conscious, intentional behaviours; they are often merely part of a survival or coping strategy. We will look further into behaviours later on in this chapter and throughout the book.
The impact on the business, its customers, employees and stakeholders
When people don’t know or trust each other it leads to a hesitance or unwillingness to work together, which makes it hard to perform even the simplest of tasks.
In a recent situation that we observed, a team member expressed frustration as she felt her team members were dismissive about the importance of her work. This disinterest was a result of the team members not knowing each other, rather than them being intentionally dismissive. Not realising this, she felt angry, defensive and helpless, which made things even worse. Subsequently she didn’t want to work with them and started to avoid them, which impacted communication and team spirit even further.
Ultimately this affected one of their clients, who didn’t get a promised report on time, because communication had broken down between the colleagues. The client complained about the breach of contract this entailed and a penalty clause kicked in which meant the client didn’t have to pay.
That’s the link between the lack of trust and the bottom line. It’s not the only one though.
The lack of cooperation means it takes longer to get the work done, which affects productivity, which in turn affects costs.
And let’s not forget that when trust is low, loyalty is low too, leading to higher employee turnover, which leads to more costs. There are the costs of hiring and training new people. There are also costs related to loss of knowledge and experience that impact the customers and their loyalty and spend. This link between lack of trust and additional cost is rarely made by leaders.
Let’s look at another example, involving a team member who we will call Howard. Howard felt so alienated from his silo-working team, there was no sense of belonging, which made him think: Why should I do things for them, when they are not doing anything for me? This made Howard feel as if he was in it alone. He had no attachment to the team and therefore no obvious desire to stay. He jumped ship as soon as another job offer came up. He walked away with crucial knowledge that was no longer available to that team, and it took them a year to close the knowledge gap. It was a very costly process, all a result of lack of trust and loyalty across the team.
In really extreme cases, lack of trust will also lead to the loss of customers. Enough said.
Solutions
A team needs to spend time together, and it is important to invest time in getting to know each other in order to trust each other. It’s actually that simple. If you are the leader of a team, you can make this happen by recognising that it needs some thought and follow-through. It is simple to do.
Let’s get specific on how to do it.
Solution 1: Encourage your team members to talk
Whether you are a leader or a member of the team, you can be the one that takes that initiative in encouraging team members to talk. It isn’t rocket science, it is as easy as that. It just takes someone to start it, someone needs to step up to the plate and be the hero, the one that makes it happen.
This can happen in team meetings, where it can form a regular spot on the agenda. It can also be encouraged through having employees buddy up on job tasks where talking can happen naturally as part of working together. And one of the most effective ways to get people to talk is to show genuine interest in them by asking questions. Tread carefully though – asking too many questions can sound like an interrogation, no matter how well intended they are. Pick one or two to get the conversation going, and take it from there.
Some questions that work:
- So, what did you do before you started working here?
- Where do you come from?
- Where did you go to school?
- What was your very first job?
- Did you always intend to work in (this industry)?
- What do you do outside of work, do you have any particular hobbies/interests?
- Where do you live?
- What do you think we could be doing differently as a team?
- What do you enjoy the most with your job?
- If you could do anything, what would you do?
- If you were CEO, what would you change about how we do business?
Solution 2: Disclosure breeds disclosure, leading to greater openness
If you want others to talk and share, you need to first share something about yourself and not just your work image, but something about you as a person. You need to demonstrate trust to get trust; if you trust them with personal information about you, they are more likely to do the same. As mentioned earlier, you can do this in meetings, over lunch, during informal huddles, in the lift or while waiting for the bus. People are naturally curious about each other and if you show that it’s OK to talk about yourself, people will feel good that you were interested enough in them to share something about you.
Solution 3: If openness is lacking where you work, you can decide what you are willing and prepared to share
Work cultures can vary greatly and some cultures are naturally open and trustful. In such a culture, opening up is easier and forms part of the norm. In more guarded cultures though, where people have learnt to watch their words, it would be unwise to be too open as this may be met by surprise or even suspicion and could be damaging for the person’s standing in the organisation. A safe starting point is sharing work knowledge and experience; you can progress through to more personal disclosure as trust grows. You can also praise people for opening up when they do it, as this can encourage others to do the same.
Solution 4: Decide to invest in building relationships
Taking time to get to know people is critical and yet people often see it as a waste of time. If you change your way of thinking and instead think of relationship building as part of the job, then you’re not in danger of seeing it as a time-consuming addition to the job and avoid it. It is simply a part of being successful, by creating a great team environment where work can be more effectively performed. Think about when an issue arises at work; it often comes down to resolving the issue by going to the person you know, whom you have the best relationship with and who you trust will be able to help you. This then allows you to resolve the issue quickly and more efficiently. So make the investment, carve out time for building relationships unless it’s already part of your daily agenda.
Solution 5: You must spend time on getting to know each other
Do this outside of formal agendas and business meetings. You need to create informal opportunities to spend time together as well. These can include:
- Office breakfasts
- Lunches
- Huddles
- Coffee/tea breaks together
- Drinks after work
- Dinner
- Sports
- Other social activities.
Keep in mind that for many people it’s hard to meet up outside of work hours and this is part of work after all. It doesn’t have to be very time consuming, but it needs to be regular. Some teams even have a rule that says ‘we are not to talk about work’ during these social informal times together. Realistically this can be tough sometimes, so some teams put money into a hat every time someone talks about work, then they donate that money to charity.
Solution 6: Explain why it’s so important to know each other in order to work well together
You need to carve out the time needed and you need to be explicit about what you’re doing, so that the team knows why it’s important to know each other. Create an interest in it, help people to feel how beneficial it is, share examples of where it’s been useful and successful – invite the team members to share their examples. People can often remember a time when they were in a powerful team and remember how well they knew each other and what that created for them. Team members don’t always make the links from knowing each other to being part of a successful team, so help them see that link.
Solution 7: Keep promises
There’s nothing quite as powerful when it comes to building trust, as doing what you promised. When promises are met, other people can relax, safe in the conviction that they know what is expected and what they can expect. So holding each other to account and doing what you say you will do is part of knowing each other. If I know I can rely on you, then I understand you better and know you better, and therefore I have greater trust. So creating an environment where promises are made and kept is important. Even using the word promise rather than commitment makes a difference. There is something very powerful in saying ‘I promise’.
Solution 8: Stop sticking your head in the sand (if you are)
Having team members who know and trust each other is not just a ‘nice to have’, it is a crucial business strategy. It’s your job. You could leave it to luck, but let’s be frank, success is rarely, if ever, down to luck. Actively consider the benefits you can reap by getting proper ‘teaming’ to happen in your team. The team members don’t need to be best friends, they just need to know and on some level like each other.
Let’s look at the team we met earlier and see how they employed this solution.
A month after the meeting in Champagne, Davide had organised another team meeting. On the agenda this time was simply ‘getting to know each other’. That was it. Everyone had received the invite and no one was sure what to expect with the apparent lack of regular business issues on the agenda.
There was an initial hesitation when people walked into the room, as the layout was very different from previous meetings. Where meeting rooms normally have a table in the middle, this room had 14 chairs arranged in the shape of a horseshoe, and no table in sight. There was nowhere to hide.
This time the team didn’t have to wait for Davide, he was already in the room with plenty of time to spare. He welcomed them and asked them to take a seat.
Gingerly they started to take their positions in the horseshoe. There was some jostling of chairs as a few people readjusted theirs. Some even moved their chairs slightly outside the circle, as if to already distance themselves from this unfamiliar process.
Jon awkwardly tried to find somewhere to put his notepad, and ended up putting it under his chair.
Fred felt exposed and realised that he wouldn’t be able to sneak onto his smartphone without everyone noticing.
Davide explained that this team meeting was different from the previous ones, that they needed to get to know and trust each other in order to be a well-functioning team.
He then continued by asking his team members to talk in pairs, and to reveal something about their professional as well as their personal life that the others wouldn’t know. Afterwards they would be sharing the information with the whole team.
Later, Davide led the way by sharing that his first job had been working as a ski guide in Courchevel. There were some surprised smiles, followed by some mumbled comments of ‘I had no idea!’, coupled with the more direct comment of ‘I didn’t have you down as a ski bum, Davide!’, which was rewarded with his chuckle. This demonstrated to everyone that it was OK to be open with each other. Davide then continued to deepen his story by elaborating on how he met Francesca, his wife, on the slopes, and how they still enjoy skiing whenever they can. ‘Next year we are going to Canada for the first time,’ he said.
‘What, the whole team?’ said Fred and winked. He was beginning to enjoy the more relaxed atmosphere.
Davide grinned, ‘I’m not sure what Francesca would say!’ He surveyed the room, noticing that everyone was paying attention, there was not a single smartphone in sight. It’s working, he thought.
Over the next 30 minutes it was revealed that Fred was an avid guitar player who used to be in a band, that Tom loved sailing and had a big boat, that Alain had been a junior French tennis champion, along with many other interesting stories. Surprisingly, they found they had more in common than they would have previously thought.
After some laughter and friendly teasing, the atmosphere had changed. It had become easier to talk and they moved their conversation into the plans for the next year. Greater interest was shown than in previous meetings. Everyone had input and Davide noticed that there was more direct conversation between people than he had observed before. It was a good start. He knew there was more work to be done, but he was pleasantly surprised by how effective this simple approach had been. It was definitely a good start.
Behaviours of team and leader
Under ‘Solutions’ above, we have listed a number of ‘how to’ actions. These solutions work best when carried out with these supporting ‘how to’ behaviours. The solutions on their own will only get you so far. With the right behaviours you will speed up the process of building familiarity and trust.
We’ve focused here on useful behaviours when it comes to creating familiarity and trust.
When intentionally practised over time, they become powerful, impactful habits that happen naturally.
Thoughts and feelings of team and leader
On average, a person experiences around 70,000 thoughts per day.1
Many of those thoughts are habits that affect a person’s mindset or outlook.
What we think affects how we feel, and how we feel affects how we think.
When wanting to improve familiarity and trust within a team, actively replace thoughts and feelings that are counterproductive to that. Here are thoughts from the story, their impact on feelings and how they can be changed.
Summary
Team awareness
Team members absolutely need to know each other, both professionally and personally.
If people don’t know each other, then they don’t understand each other, and they don’t want to engage or take an interest, because they haven’t made that human connection. As a result they don’t trust each other.
Team building
A team needs to spend time getting to know each other. This can happen in team meetings, in-house or offsite, through formal and informal get-togethers. Teams we’ve worked with have monthly dinners, weekly breakfasts etc. They ensure that they have lunch with each other regularly, as a whole team as well as one-to-one. Sometimes they even ban talking about work, and keep it at a purely personal level – those are the teams that enjoy each other’s company the most and perform the best.
According to Gallup’s study on Employee Engagement2, one of the 12 employee engagement factors is, ‘I have a best friend at work’.
It does have an impact on the bottom line
In our example, there is a direct correlation between people knowing each other and trust and the bottom line. We can make many links every day from a behaviour, and follow that link through to the effect on the bottom line. All of our solutions and actions in this chapter demonstrate how important it is for people to build trust. So don’t leave it to chance. You wouldn’t leave an important business meeting to chance, would you?
Reflection questions for the reader
Look at your team and consider:
- How well do people know and trust each other generally?
- How well do they/we know each other personally (beyond work roles)?
- What can I do to create more openness and trust?
- What behaviours am I demonstrating to create more trust?
- What can I do to let others get to know me?
- What role am I playing in the team’s current level of openness and trust?
- How much time am I devoting to getting to know my team/colleagues?
Self-assessment
After you have implemented the solutions in this chapter, answer these questions again to see the progress you have made.
How would you rate the following in your team?
