Chapter 4

FACE YOUR FEARS HEAD ON

Where Does Fear Come From?

Did you know that we are born with only two fears? The fear of falling and the fear of a loud sound. All other fears are taught and acquired through experiences, associations, and what we are told. Some of the most common fears I’ve heard others share include fear of dying, fear of heights, fear of closed spaces, fear of public speaking, fear of taking risks, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of success—and that’s just for starters. While fear is both a learned behavior and a part of human nature, oftentimes it’s just a figment of our imagination, a negative anticipation, or a suspicion of what might happen in the future. In my faith, we define fear as False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR), meaning that our mind can magnify anything we worry about and make it seem insurmountable even when it really is small. We also describe fear as being the opposite of faith.

Fears come from what we’ve been taught and experienced. If fear is a learned response, we can unlearn our fears and relearn a different response. My mentor Mr. Les Brown says, “We are either living our dreams or living our fears.” Which one are you living?

Fear is an emotion that results from some real or imagined threat to our well-being. It diminishes our confidence, denies our potential, destroys our relationships, devalues our existence, and defers our dreams. It leaves us living in a state of complacency because we’re afraid of the obstacles along the way or the outcomes at the end, or both. Before even starting we end up in a spiral of self-doubt and worry. A life lived constantly in fear will never move forward but instead will become more frustrated as time goes on, as we wonder if things would’ve been different if we had made some different decisions. This is where I lived for years. I call it living in a state of woulda, coulda, shoulda, and one day. Only when we acknowledge and admit to the fear can we take that first step forward toward releasing these limits.

Walking and living in fear can cause us to create what I call a Golden Cage around ourselves as a safety mechanism that protects us from the world but also blocks others out. If we stay in that cage too long, it gets comfortable and familiar. We can even start to accessorize our cage so that it looks and feels pretty and comfortable to live in. And even though we feel safe and the cage is all dressed up, we don’t realize that we are isolating ourselves from others and creating self-imposed limitations that keep us from living our best life.

This was the case with a former coworker I’ll call Stephanie. Due to the circumstances surrounding her story, I have chosen a different name to protect her identity. On the outside she had the perfect persona and everyone believed what she portrayed. No one knew that it was a facade, and by the time we found out it was too late.

Stephanie’s Story

Stephanie’s story may be your story. Maybe it doesn’t end the same way, but the feelings of failure, betrayal, hurt, and bitterness may be your current reality. Are you shutting yourself off from others who want to help you? Are you isolating yourself from reality because the pain of your past makes it too hard to face your future? Have you built a Golden Cage and accessorized it to be your comfort zone? Are you giving voice to those negative, self-defeating, life-limiting questions that could cause to you meet Stephanie’s fate? Maybe you are still alive, just not living.

In the last chapter I detailed some of the most common disempowering “What if?” questions that cause us to abandon or avoid pursuing our dreams or new opportunities. I shared many of those that I experienced personally, which shaped and influenced the way I perceived myself. At the heart of my disempowering “What if?” questions was fear. For years I was living my fears and allowing my dreams to diminish. Fear can cause us not only to give up on our dreams but also to give up on living if we don’t face them head on.

What do you fear? Why? How has it affected your dreams and your future? Are you willing to face your fears head on?

Facing My Own Fears

Because of fear, I stayed at jobs far beyond my expiration date. I was afraid to quit because I didn’t know if the grass that looked greener on the other side was actually artificial turf. I’ve vacated many great ideas—ideas that could have impacted someone else’s life but I talked myself out of them because of fear. I could have launched my own business a decade ago, and been successful, but I was afraid it would fail and I would be in more debt as a result.

I’ve even avoided getting involved in relationships because I was afraid they might be another abusive, toxic, or unhealthy situation. Fears I developed from experiences I had at an early age followed me into my adult life and impacted my decisions for years. Some of those fears were beyond my control; I didn’t see them coming, nor could I have prevented them.

Developing My Fear of Deep Water

One such event happened when I was just thirteen years old. I was attending a pool party with my softball team at the home of one of our teammates. We had just won the championship game. We were celebrating and having a blast with lots of great food, music, and games in the backyard. As I was walking alongside the pool, someone pushed me in from behind and ran off. I never saw it coming, and before I knew it I was ten feet under water. I had not yet learned to swim, and no one knew that. After a few seconds I panicked and started fighting the water. Because everyone was playing and laughing, no one immediately noticed that I was struggling to get to the top. Moments later, after seeing my life flash in front of me and feeling even more panicked, I felt a hand grab my arm and push me up. Then someone pulled me to the side of the pool and others helped to lift me out. I emerged coughing, choking, shaking, and crying from so much fear. I never forgot that near death experience. OK, maybe I wasn’t near death, but it felt like it to me. I saw my life flash before me. It put into my heart a paralyzing fear of deep water that I didn’t have before this incident, and now, forty years later, as I write about it, I can still see it like it was yesterday.

The other experience that caused me to develop a fear I didn’t have before was the story I shared in chapter 1 about being held at gunpoint during a bank robbery. That experience had a different effect on me than nearly drowning. As a result of that life-threatening and life-altering event, I am still afraid of guns. I know it’s been said that it’s not guns that kill people, it’s people that kill people, but having had one pointed directly at my head changed my perspective about them forever. I don’t want to be in the same room with a gun, don’t want one in the house, and don’t want to learn to use one. Even when I’ve seen movies that have a violent bank robbery scene (such as Set It Off, Inside Man, and Going in Style, to name a few), I’ve been triggered and have remembered my experience all over again, like it was yesterday. On both of these occasions I experienced fear in such a significant and unforgettable way that they still affected me decades later. One of them I conquered (my fear of deep water), the other one I have learned to live with (fear of guns).

This is how we learn to fear. The experience may not be as traumatic and life altering as the two I have shared, but with fear there is always a reaction. Sometimes we are paralyzed or panicked from the fear. Sometimes we flee from fear, other times we avoid doing something because of fear. And sometimes we have to confront fear head on. I’ve been in all of these situations many times. Here are a few instances of how I conquered some of my deepest fears.

Facing My Fear of Deep Water

Until a few years ago, I was still deathly afraid of swimming in deep water. Every time I took swimming lessons and tried to conquer the fear, I would be overcome with the memory of drowning. And it was hard to trust that anyone who was teaching me to swim was not going to throw me into deep water and expect I would learn that way. It affected me so much that when my daughter was a baby I made sure she took swimming lessons so that she would never have the experience of being pushed into a pool and not knowing how to swim.

Here’s how I finally conquered my fear of deep water. One year I was on a speaking tour in Barbados with a group of fellow speakers and friends. Everyone wanted to rent WaveRunners and go out into the ocean. Immediately I refused and told them I’d wait for them to return. I shared my story of why I was fearful, not to mention that I was also afraid of sharks from watching the movie Jaws and hearing of shark attacks. Several of my companions assured me that it was perfectly safe and a lot of fun, and we would be wearing life jackets. Two I was close to and trusted most responded that they would let me ride on the back of their WaveRunner. I paused to consider while they continued to assure me that it would be fine and that they were skilled at riding these vehicles. They also made the case that it was time for me to get over my fear, and what better way than with friends.

After much consternation and an interrogation of the WaveRunner rental agent about the safety of the vehicle, the death record of other riders in the past, and how often shark attacks occurred in Barbados, I reluctantly agreed, with the caveat that I would ride on the back with one of the friends who had offered. I put on my life jacket and off we went, out into the expansive ocean. We started out slow so that I would feel more comfortable. Then we sped up. After a few minutes I was enjoying it and agreed we could go even faster. At full speed we approached the turn to come back to the hotel. My friend did not slow down enough and as we took that turn, down went the WaveRunner into the water, throwing me out into the deep. Immediately fear gripped me, and all I could think was that I would drown or that a shark was nearby about to attack. But within milliseconds I calmed myself and remembered what the WaveRunner agent had said in response to all of my questions: “In case of an emergency or if you fall into the water, don’t panic, stay calm. Your life vest will cause you to float to the top.” He had also told me I didn’t have to worry about shark attacks there.

This time I didn’t fight the water like I did when I was younger, and I didn’t panic. I talked to myself and stayed calm. Within those milliseconds I felt my body rise to the top (not fast enough for me), and when my head came above the water, I could see my friend get back on the WaveRunner, immediately come to me, grab my hand tight, and help me get back on. I didn’t have a choice but to get back on, and this was a good thing because it forced me to confront my fear from the previous experience in the midst of facing fear in my current situation. Yes, I was terrified at first, but I caught myself and remembered what to do, and it turned out OK. We rode back much slower, but I was OK. I was glad I had asked the rental agent a lot of questions about what to do, and that I was with people I trusted who knew what to do. It helped me to face my fear. The next day I went back out again, riding on the back of the WaveRunner with another friend, and we did not fall. We had a blast. More important, that trip was a turning point for me in facing my fear of deep water.

Facing My Fear of a Bully

A bully tormented me throughout my high school years. I was petite, weighing only 90 pounds, and she was much taller than me. All of my classmates were afraid of her, but I knew I couldn’t cower when she threatened to beat me up. If I did, she would increase her attacks and all of my friends would make fun of me.

In our 12th grade year, near the end of third semester, she announced to the class that she would meet me at my bus stop after school and beat me up. Of course that generated a lot of spectators who normally didn’t take my bus route from school. The bus stop was a few houses down from where I lived. Fortunately my bus arrived a few minutes before hers. I got off and ran into the house. As much as I wanted to hide and pretend that I wasn’t home, I knew I had to confront my fear and defend myself. And that I did. Her bus arrived a few minutes later and she and the crowd walked to my house. Someone yelled my name and announced that she was outside and that I should come out and get my butt whooping. I had changed my clothes and shoes and prepared myself for the fight. I walked outside and into the street, where she was, and as soon as she hastened toward me I threw the first punch. Some called it a haymaker, but I kept throwing them, mostly out of fear that if I stopped she would hurt me worse. It turns out they had to pull me off her. I had won the fight.

The next day at school, all of my classmates were calling me Sugar Ray Leonard (an American welterweight boxing champion from the 1980s). Because I defended myself, the bully left me alone, and I sent a message to others that I wasn’t afraid and they shouldn’t mess with me. The truth is, I was still afraid of the bully even after the fight, but I felt a sense of pride and relief that I had faced my fear of her, and discovered I had a pretty nice right hook.

I learned a few lessons from that incident that followed me into my adult life. First, when I was fearful, I didn’t realize my own strength until I had to come face to face with my insecurities and inadequacies. Second, had I not stood up to that fear (the bully), the torment would have continued. In other words, you cannot conquer what you aren’t willing to confront. Third, when faced with fear, it may not be as big and as bad as it appears. It may just be sounding off a lot of noise but not be able to overtake you.

Facing My Fear of Dentists

Another lingering fear I had to face was going to the dentist. Oh, how I dreaded even the thought of making an appointment. As a result I would procrastinate or reschedule. Many years ago I had to undergo a root canal, and on another occasion I had to have a tooth extracted. On both occasions I lived a nightmare. The dentist who pulled my tooth was rude, demonstrated no empathy, and after an hour of drilling and handling my mouth really roughly, told me he couldn’t get the tooth out and would have to refer me to a specialist. I developed not only a fear of dentists but also a disdain for them. Years later I had an abscess and was in a lot of pain. Remembering what I had endured from the previous dentist, I knew I had to confront my fear.

First, I sought out referrals from friends who’d had great experiences with their dentist. Second, I read those dentists’ Google reviews to confirm that they were highly rated by others. Third, I asked the dentist I picked a lot of questions in order to get a lot of assurances before scheduling the procedure. Ultimately, it turned out to be the best experience I had ever had with a dentist. She was very nice and gentle, talked me through every step, and checked to see how I was feeling and if something was hurting too much, and her soothing voice made all the difference. Later that evening she called and checked on me to ensure that I was recovering OK. Ever since then my fear of dentists has diminished substantially. Today I am pleased to report that I have been using that dentist for the past four years and have no more fear. Her amazing “bedside manner” continued and made all the difference for me. I have even referred her to several others who also were afraid of dentists.

Throughout my life there have been many other fears that I have faced head on. I have confronted friends, family, and partners who betrayed or abused me and made me feel small, insecure, and afraid to say anything. I have confronted bad bosses who belittled and berated me in front of others and made me feel powerless and undervalued. I’ve also learned that some fears don’t go away and you have to learn to live with them, such as my fear of guns. I also learned that some fears may go away but also return, such as my fear of failing and my fear of getting hurt. But you have to learn to confront them again and again, sometimes with a different strategy. Some fears are stronger than others and some I am still working on overcoming, but at least I have conquered most of the fears that paralyzed me and kept me from realizing my dreams.

Six Steps for Facing Your Fears Head On

I have shared my truth about living with a lot of fears and how I faced them. Here is a summary of the steps I took and some lessons I learned by doing so.

First, I shifted my thinking and my attitude about my fears by acknowledging them. I learned that what you resist will persist, and that you cannot conquer what you are not willing to confront. I recognized that fears are a normal part of life and all of us have them.

When I took on another job or decided to leave a bad relationship, I wrote down every bad thing that could happen, then listed how they would affect me. Beside every fear I listed some strategies for how to respond. Doing this exercise took the power out of the fears I had, and I felt more in control. Turns out that most of the things I worried about never happened anyway.

Second, I asked a lot of questions and sought to dismantle my fears by seeking reassurances like I did in the story of getting on the WaveRunner or finding a new dentist. When I was considering a new job assignment, I sought out people who had been in the role prior to me and asked them a lot of questions so I could understand what I was getting into. I took the same approach in dating relationships as well—asking a lot of questions. Sometimes it turned the prospect off, other times it was a welcome exercise for getting to know each other.

Third, I jumped out there and gave it a try. I decided not to be paralyzed by fear, whether fear of failure, fear of drowning, fear of getting hurt, fear of getting beat up, and all of the fears listed in the previous chapter. I faced one fear at a time. I didn’t overwhelm myself by trying to conquer too much too fast. I took baby steps, but I did step out. And when I faltered, I immediately tried again before fear set back in.

Fourth, I built up my self-confidence and sense of self-worth by speaking positive and empowering affirmations. There is power in our words and we can use them to build up instead of tear down. When I felt fear, I chose to calm down and not panic. I remembered what others who were more experienced told me to do, and then did it.

Fifth, when I conquered a fear, I wrote down what I did and used it as a testimonial to recall for the next fear I faced.

Last, I continued to imagine my dreams becoming reality. I learned to see myself beyond my fear and to think of the best-case scenario instead of dwelling on the worst-case scenario. These six steps helped me to release the limits I had placed on myself.

Think of the fears you need to face. Consider how they have affected your life and the decisions you’ve made. More important, think about how they have kept you from seizing opportunities and realizing your dreams. Remember, we are either living our fears or living our dreams. Fear is the single biggest limitation that holds us back and causes us to procrastinate, make excuses, and stay stuck. But fear doesn’t have any special power other than that which we give it. That means we also have the power to release fear and begin living beyond “What if?”