Chapter 8

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THE PAYOFFS OF LIVING BEYOND “WHAT IF?’

A Recap of My Journey

I opened this book by sharing the vivid imaginations and dreams I had as a child, a teenager, and into young adulthood. Back then I didn’t have any limitations, fears, or worries, and everything seemed possible. At a young age many of the childhood dreams I had became reality. I had not yet experienced any major disappointments that caused me to believe I couldn’t achieve anything I imagined. Rather, my accomplishments caused me to dream bigger and keep imagining more—until a series of unexpected, unwelcomed, and unimaginable events exposed me to the “real world.” I felt like a boxer being knocked against the ropes in the boxing ring of life, getting punched from the left, punched from the right, punched in the face, and then punched in the stomach. I was getting a complete beat down and the referee was starting the countdown to my demise and defeat. For more than twenty years my dreams were dealt major blows.

I suffered through and survived several near-death experiences, failed relationships, betrayal and broken trust by close friends and family, financial devastation, rejection, loneliness, career setbacks, and experiences of being minimized, marginalized, trivialized, overlooked, and undervalued while overperforming in many of my career roles. These experiences left me feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and searching for meaning and purpose. I was living neither my dreams nor the life I had imagined. In other words, I was living and surviving, but I wasn’t thriving and enjoying life.

When I started my inward journey of self-development and reinventing myself, I experienced a shift, and the payoffs began to manifest. One payoff was that I entered into a new and different phase of my life in which I went on the offense instead of being on the defense. I took control of my life and felt empowered and emboldened to achieve better. I also got out of my own way. I had to do what my mentor Les Brown urged me to do for years: get out of my head so that I could step into my greatness. I removed the self-imposed limitations of procrastination, present bias, fear, doubt, and insecurity and began to get a larger vision for my life. I stopped entertaining disempowering “What if?” questions and replaced them with empowering responses that enabled me to build the courage and faith to believe in my big dreams, take them out of the nightstand, and begin to make them a reality.

Realizing the Payoffs

One of the most invaluable payoffs came as a result of developing the best possible relationship with myself and with my Creator. I discovered my purpose and passion, and established my life plan, which yielded greater peace, confidence, and direction. I became unapologetic about being myself and no longer felt the need to please people at the expense of losing me. I stopped wishing that I looked like, thought like, and acted like someone else. I celebrated my own diversity and uniqueness and was able to help others embrace the same. This was the most liberating and rewarding experience on the entire journey.

I confronted my fears and developed the courage and determination to take more risks and to ask for (and sometimes insist on or demand) what I deserved, such as being promoted and moving up the corporate ladder to become a senior executive, asking for an increase in salary, earning my doctorate degree before my fortieth birthday, providing for my daughter and ensuring that she was set up for success in life, becoming debt free and more financially savvy, buying my own home, winning a national pageant title, writing books, traveling all over the world, and running my own global consulting firm.

Some of these dreams were from my childhood and followed me into my adult life. Others developed over time, growing stronger and stronger and not going away. Today I understand that the dreams that remain in your heart and follow you over time and the dreams that never die are those that are tied to your destiny.

Another part of my process was that I unfollowed, deleted, unfriended, and blocked toxic and unhealthy people from my life. Then I surrounded myself with quality, supportive, and mutually beneficial relationships that led to a myriad of new possibilities and contracts, access to extensive resources, and a global network.

It was because these payoffs far outweighed the pain and hurts that I didn’t give up. As hard as life got, with its many tests and trials and the many times I wanted to give up, I am so glad I didn’t. Even when all hope seemed lost and I couldn’t see my way out of dark situations, somehow a glimmer of light pushed me to keep fighting. I’ve come to learn that there are lessons in every test and trial. When you are prepared you pass the test and move to the next level in your life. When you are not prepared and you fail, you have to take the test over again and again until you pass. I’ve also come to realize that the battles we fight are not just for our personal satisfaction and grandeur. They are for us to learn, grow, and become wiser so that we can help others.

I’m so relieved that I didn’t give up and that I took this path in my life; otherwise I would have missed out on another important and rewarding payoff: to impact and inspire those assigned to cross my path by sharing my story. I know that sharing the most personal parts of one’s life is not easy and comes with some risks. At first I was a bit apprehensive about being so open in sharing the painful, hurtful, and embarrassing parts of my past, but I came to realize that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and wiser. Our past doesn’t have to determine our future if we learn from it.

As I grew older, matured, and healed, I understood that I had been through and survived so much for a reason. It made me a better person and it caused me to take nothing for granted—to live each day with gratefulness and intention and to live it to the fullest. Today I don’t look like what I’ve been through. There is more good in my life than bad. There are more successes than failures. And because my perspective changed, when bad things happen today I look at them differently.

Dreams Still Get Disrupted

Even on this side of my journey, yes, I still experience setbacks and unexpected disruptions. This is called life. Just a few years ago I went through a devastating relationship experience that completely caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time because I was so busy growing my business and traveling around the world. I happened to meet him on one of my trips.

I decided to let my guard down and open my heart to the possibility that a dream I was still waiting to have fulfilled—to live happily ever after with my “Mr. Right”—could be right in front of my face. The relationship started out beautifully, just like a Hallmark movie, with everything falling into place. The chemistry was there, we had similar goals in life, we were both soaring in our businesses, we talked about everything, and we complemented each other in so many ways.

But within a year this dream turned into one of my worst nightmares. Through a series of events that exposed a plethora of his secrets and lies, insecurities, mental instability, and personal inadequacies, none of which he was honest about, the relationship ended abruptly. It left me confused, hurt, and feeling like I had been hit by a twenty-ton truck and left on the side of the road like roadkill. Yes, the disempowering beliefs resurfaced, the doubts and fears returned, and the humiliation and pity party started—and it went on for months. I kept a smile on my face in public while privately I cried myself to sleep at night.

With the help of wise counsel from my closest confidants, sound legal advice, and lots of prayer, I got through it and ultimately realized that I had dodged a bullet. I finally fully recovered and healed from it, and I learned so many lessons from that experience that it deserves to be told on its own one day. So that dream of finding my Mr. Right remains unfulfilled, yet I am determined to keep hope alive.

I also still believe that my other dreams will be fulfilled, such as attaining certain financial goals, growing my business to another level, traveling to other places around the world, launching my own podcast or online show, to name a few. The point is that as long as we are alive and breathing, there is still more for us to do. We still have a purpose and relevance, and no matter what disruptions we experience we should not stop dreaming and believing.

Another major disruption that caused me to regress into fear, anxiety, and despair even while writing this book was the global pandemic of 2020–21. Who can ever forget it? Within a few days my entire life and business were turned upside down, as was the case all over the world. Contracts were put on hold, events that I was scheduled to speak at were canceled or postponed until further notice, clients’ businesses were shut down, scheduled coaching sessions were canceled, and all forms of income seemed to come to a dead stop.

Yes, panic immediately set in. A few times I found myself pulling off onto the side of the road of life and wondering and praying, “God, what am I going to do now?” Eventually I recalled my past victories and drew on my lessons learned (so as not to repeat the same mistakes), and I got creative. I had to look at things through a different lens. I couldn’t look at them as if I were about to lose the business I had worked so hard to build, but I had to shift my thinking and look for ways to innovate and meet client needs in an unprecedented new reality.

After months of trying to recover and figure it out, my team and I finally found a way to do just that. We turned every product and service into a virtual and hybrid offering that could be delivered in multiple formats. We developed new and relevant content that clients needed to help their workers thrive in a new environment.

Additionally, I pulled on my own network and personal board of advisers for support, and before I knew it my internal GPS had recalculated, and both myself and my business got back on track. It was a catastrophic experience that affected me personally, and millions of others around the world, and my heart still breaks for the many lives that have been disrupted and lost as a result. I am just grateful to have survived.

Amid these disruptions I have come to realize that no matter how much you think you have evolved, life has a way of continuing to test you and throw you curve balls. When that happens, you have to be ready to duck or strike back. I have come to understand that life is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you. And the lessons, the wisdom, and the successes that come from your experiences are not to be stored in a bottle, put on a shelf, or hidden under the covers. They shouldn’t be the best-kept secret. They should be shared with others as testimonials that bring hope, light, and fulfillment. Today I share my stories all over the world with people from various backgrounds, cultures, beliefs, languages, and personalities. They seem to resonate across all ages, stages, and phases of life.

Yes, I believe that in life people are assigned (or destined) to cross each other’s paths for a reason—that we are each meant to transfer something to the other. It’s been said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I have been blessed and inspired by so many who have shared their stories with me after hearing my story. The wonderful payoff is that they continue to affirm that my journey was not in vain, and as fate would have it they were waiting for me to get to the other side of that journey just so I could pass on the lessons, the wisdom, and the encouragement to them. So, as I come to the conclusion of this book, I want to share two more compelling and inspiring stories—those of Dr. Alexandria White and Lisa Assetta—that I hope resonate and push you closer to realizing your dreams.

Alexandria’s Story

“BE BRAVE EVEN WHEN YOU’RE SCARED”

She was born on the southside of Chicago, the only girl of six children and a first-generation college graduate. While in high school, she met and fell head over hills in love with an older man and ultimately got engaged to him at her high school graduation party. She was accepted into the University of Mississippi but almost avoided attending because it would mean being away from him. But Alexandria went, and made the best of a new situation.

She was a very social person so she immediately got involved in school activities. She became an orientation leader, which taught her everything about the campus and provided extra money and free housing in the summer. She also became a football recruiter, which allowed her to be around the players and attend all of the games, which was a big deal in the South. With all of these activities going on and trying to maintain a relationship, her grades suffered. She was put on academic probation and decided to change her major from fashion merchandising to family and consumer science. This move turned out to be a benefit because it helped explain some family and personal issues that were all too familiar. However, it didn’t help her break away from old high school friends who were neither academically focused nor supportive of her education efforts. Eventually her grades suffered even more as she continued to hang out with them just to “fit in.”

While she was away at school her fiancé began to complain about everything, from her classes to her spending too much time in study sessions to the outfits she wore. Soon he also accused her of sleeping with the professors and became verbally abusive. Alexandria was so blinded by love, however, that she mistook his insecurity, abuse, and controlling ways as endearing and loving. In her second year of college she got pregnant by her fiancé and suffered a miscarriage. The relationship didn’t improve; it got worse. His complaining and accusations went on for months, until one day it escalated into violence. One night he drove two hours to her campus apartment and physically attacked her by choking her until she lost consciousness and the apartment looking like a construction zone.

Fortunately Alexandria had told a close friend prior to this incident that he was threatening her and she was afraid he might turn violent that night. The friend kept watch over her apartment that evening by driving past periodically. She called the police when she heard screaming, and they responded immediately. As a result, Alexandria abruptly left college without contacting any of the school’s personnel or her professors to explain her sudden departure.

She left the state of Mississippi, running for her life. She had to be brave even when she was scared. She left behind a large school bill and a 1.1 GPA. Yes, that’s what I said—a 1.1 GPA. As she shared all of these details, she went from a serious tone to laughingly admitting that she even earned an F in jogging. This decision would later come back to haunt her in many ways. Most immediate were the effects that the physical and verbal abuse had on her mental state, the fear she felt for months that her ex-fiancé would find her, and the humiliation of loving someone who could attempt to take her life.

Then it was feelings of failure that tormented her—being a first-generation college student who didn’t take her academics seriously and dropped out. Feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem became her daily disposition. She suffered from many disempowering “What if?” questions such as, What if I continue to perpetuate generational poverty in my family and remain dependent on government assistance? What if I fail in college again? What if my ex finds me and assaults me again? What if I can’t pay my college tuition? And so on. These questions plagued her for years and drove her to place limits on herself while putting many of her dreams on pause.

She relocated to Indiana after being invited by a good friend who offered her shelter and safety from her ex-fiancé. Eventually she and the friend became romantically involved and had a daughter together. Additionally, due to a tragic incident in her family, she was named legal guardian of her two younger brothers and became a “mom-sister.” For three years she worked different jobs, but none seemed to work out, mainly because she lacked an education.

Eventually she landed a job at a bank. She worked there for a few years and loved it but advancement was limited because she did not have a degree. This situation was the push she needed. She had three dependents to care for, she had seen the consequences of some of her decisions, and she knew that a degree was her ticket to greater opportunities. She was ready to take her education seriously and was committed to finishing what she started. So, at age twenty-six, five years after miscarrying a child, after being nearly choked to death by her fiancé, and after making a sudden exit from college, relocating, and starting over in another state, she applied to Indiana University. But there was another problem. She had a 1.1 GPA on her transcript from her previous college and owed more than $12,000, so the University of Mississippi would not release her transcript. To make things worse, Indiana University wouldn’t accept students from other universities without a transcript or fully paid bill. Alexandria was desperate. She petitioned the school to make an exception by telling her story. As fortune would have it, they agreed to make an exception and accepted her enrollment on a probationary basis, on the condition that she pay her bill at the University of Mississippi.

Alexandria knew she couldn’t screw up this opportunity, and now she had three other reasons not to—her daughter and her two brothers. Her determination paid off and her life began to take a turn for the better. In her first semester, she earned a 3.6 GPA and went on to be placed on the dean’s list for three consecutive semesters. She applied to be and was accepted as a McNair Scholar. She began to imagine herself beyond receiving a bachelor’s degree, seeing herself as a doctor. Later she also applied for and was accepted into the Delta Sigma Theta sorority, mainly because of her grades, her personal testimony of overcoming so many adversities, and her persistence to excel.

Alexandria would continue to show this kind of persistence as life continued to throw obstacles and personal attacks at her self-confidence and courage. When the global pandemic hit in March of 2020, she joined the millions of people who were furloughed from work. Fear set in immediately and she started to rehearse those “What if?” questions again: What if I end up back in a one-bedroom apartment and have to share the bed with my children? What if I end up on government assistance again? What if I get the virus and end up with a boatload of medical bills? What would my children do?

These and other questions plagued her and nearly took her peace of mind. But drawing on the lessons from her past, she stood up to the fears and the uncertainties and began to answer her disempowering questions, recalling that she had made it through worse and survived. She began to have a conversation with herself and with her God and was determined to keep her eyes on the future and not dwell on her failures. Her fear and desperation turned into creativity and innovation. She recalled the dreams she had that were deferred and derailed and thought, “Now is a do-or-die situation and if ever I needed to make this dream happen it is now.” She decided to start her own business as an independent consultant. She reached out to previous coworkers, professors, and friends and sought referrals for clients. A new consulting and training company was birthed, and it has enabled her to take care of herself and her children without losing her home, having to share a bed with her kids, and having to rely on government assistance. She overcame her fears and her doubts and demonstrated what it means to “be brave even when you’re scared.” As Alexandria shared some of her life story with me, I encouraged her to consider writing a book about it with this quote as its title. I told her I was confident it would inspire many who still suffer from fear and self-doubt and need to know they can be brave while still being scared.

Alexandria is truly a success story of what courage, determination, focus, and strength can do to move a person out of self-defeating behaviors, attitudes, and actions. She turned her negative and unfortunate circumstances (some of which were beyond her control) into new doors of opportunity. Today, as Dr. Alexandria White, she exudes enthusiasm, passion, and positivity and is living beyond her “What ifs.”

Lisa’s Story

“THE BEST WAY OUT IS ALWAYS THROUGH” A THREE-TIME CANCER SURVIVOR

Lisa began her thirty-year career as an administrative professional while a newly divorced single mom. She needed a job to support herself and her four-year-old daughter. She had not attained her college degree, so her job prospects were limited. She didn’t care. Her desperation to provide for her family pushed her to take risks by applying for jobs she was not qualified for and doing whatever it took to succeed. She knew she was a passionate learner and detailed-oriented, so she negotiated with a small business owner to hire her as a secretary even though she had taken only one typing class in high school. Her tenacity worked and she found her career path.

In the years that followed, she pursued other administrative jobs in customer service and eventually landed in executive support. She became an expert at what she did and was hired by multiple large corporations to support high-level executives. When one of them downsized, she was suddenly out of a good job. It took a few days to get over the shock but she quickly started a job search with the help of an outplacement firm. She also utilized her strong network of colleagues in her industry and community and called on favors. After five months of searching she was approached by an employment agency offering her a position to support the office of the CEO of a major airport. After an extremely thorough vetting process that took months to complete, she was hired.

Lisa was ecstatic and in awe that she had landed such a prestigious job, considering where she had started years earlier. She would finally have the financial stability she desired and could now move beyond those goals and start to dream bigger. She wanted to find ways to contribute to the success of others, her organization, and her community in a meaningful way, and this job was her ticket to achieving that, or so she thought.

Her excitement was short-lived. The reality of what the job would be like hit her very quickly. Everything about it was difficult. She worked tirelessly to change that and make things easier, and she succeeded. She would tell everyone that she loved her job even with its challenges, even though it was the hardest job she’d ever had. She was constantly facing barriers with her direct supervisor and coworkers, yet she persevered with her usual determination to succeed. She had dreams of this being her last job and of retiring from it. She thought she could stay and change the place for the better.

And then the diagnosis came. It was cancer—again. She had been diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer five years prior to taking this dream job, and she had beat it. She had moved on into her future and never looked back. Now another cancer diagnosis was staring her in the face. Her focus shifted from the challenges she was facing at work to fighting this enemy that had returned. And other enemies had come with it—paralyzing fear that she might not beat it this time, and disempowering beliefs that made her ask, What if I lose my job and cannot take care of my daughter? and What if I lose my medical benefits?

It was scary even after beating it the first time, but at least she had a victory to draw on. The cancer treatments would include six weeks of radiation that would impact her ability to focus on work. She reluctantly took the time off that she needed for her treatment and recovery, but she had to. The treatments were hard, but she was determined to beat cancer again. And she did!

She was excited to return to doing the work she loved. Although she was passionate about her return, things seemed different in the office, or maybe things seemed different because she was different. Facing and fighting cancer was life-altering and Lisa believed it changed her for the better. She considered it a blessing in disguise. She was a survivor and she still had an opportunity to pursue her dreams.

She still wanted more out of her work life. More than anything, she wanted to be able to make that meaningful contribution she mentioned earlier. But now that contribution was going to be bigger—not only to her job and her community but also to the world. She cared about leaving a legacy and knew it would be lost if she stayed at her job. So she resigned from what she had considered her dream job and decided to search for another dream job. During her search she thought she had found it once. She accepted the position but quickly resigned from it. That job was definitely not “it,” and she wasn’t settling.

She continued her job search, and then the world started changing around her. Not only was there a global pandemic, COVID-19, but cancer struck again in her world. Talk about a double whammy! She was diagnosed with a new breast cancer less than two years after defeating her second cancer diagnosis. It was a familiar challenge, yet it was occurring in an entirely new environment. The world had shut down, with mandatory stay-at-home orders, schools closed and kids sent home to learn online, businesses closed, work getting done remotely and virtually, and access to health care limited due to rising cases of COVID-19.

Lisa had to face this reality head on amid all that was going on around her. She had fought this fight twice before, so she was ready to take it on again. The determination, positive mindset, and courage that carried her through her challenges before would give her strength to stay the course. She was determined not to be a victim. She embraced a “fighter’s mentality” and knew it would sustain her. Yes, she wondered how many times a person could fight cancer successfully in a lifetime, but she accepted the challenge. As in her other battles with cancer, she followed the mantra “the best way out is always through.” She learned that it was unproductive to spend time pondering the why of it. She was a woman on a mission.

This time, the cancer was aggressive. She would need surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and immunotherapy to beat it—one full year of treatment. She took it all in stride; there was no other choice. She was going to do everything she could to get to the other side of this cancer. But this time she wasn’t employed. She looked at that fact as good on the one hand because she could take the time she needed to get through treatment and recovery without the pressure of having to get back to work. On the other hand, it wasn’t so good because she had no income. Her husband was self-employed but they would still miss the salary and benefits from the types of jobs Lisa had held.

For Lisa there was nothing more important than health, so she considered it a blessing to be able to focus on it solely, maximize the benefits of her treatment, and take time to recover fully to ensure that this cancer would never return. But she still wondered, What about my dream job? How could I find it now? and Will I ever achieve my dreams?

After her surgery and before her chemo treatments started she decided to restart a business she had launched ten years before. Symbolically, on Administrative Professionals Day, she registered her company with the name Office Assistance Plus. She was a business owner again and she did this in the midst of a cancer battle! She experienced such freedom and joy by starting it, because it gave her something else to fight for; she was creating her own legacy.

Lisa started a blog and became active on social media to connect with followers and build a community where together they could face life, work, and world challenges. Today, on a weekly basis she shares stories about her cancer journey to provide hope to others who are facing the same battle. She offers executive virtual assistance and virtual organizing solutions, and this is her dream job. She admits she still has a lot of work ahead to make her vision sustainable. Armed with her “fighter’s mentality,” the support of family, friends, and her network, she is still fighting her battle with cancer, but she is winning it and excited about her future. Lisa believes that she can do anything. She believes that her dreams are possible and is on her way to living beyond “What if?”

These and all of the other stories I have shared throughout this book illustrate significant resilience, determination, and fortitude in the midst of life’s worst circumstances. All of us agree that if we had to go through it all over again to learn the lessons we did, to become the people we are today and have the peace of mind and fulfillment we now enjoy, we would take on the challenge.

African American author and poet Dr. Maya Angelou’s first book of essays is titled I Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey, and this is exactly how I feel on this side of my journey. I know that Stephanie, Dr. Alexandria, Lisa, Dr. Katrina, Adrean, and Meghana would all agree. Over the years I’ve come to appreciate this slogan even more. One of my favorite hymns sums it up in these words I’ve made personal for myself: “Through many dangers, toils, and snares I’ve already come. It was grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

When I look at the woman on the cover of this book, I am proud to be her. It’s still hard to imagine how far I’ve come and, more important, how much I’ve overcome. Every day I wake up with such gratitude that I withstood the tests of time. I am not only a survivor, I am also an overcomer. My journey was scary at times; it was lonely along the way and I felt like making a few U-turns and taking some detours, but I’m glad I stayed the course so that today I can enjoy the rewards and payoffs of living beyond “What if?”

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